Author: Aaron

I’m feeling a bit behind and also overwhelmed, and I need to check in how things are going. So let’s do that. This is not an April Fools post, by the way. I don’t think it looks like one, but it is the 1st, so just to be clear. Just a good ol’ fashioned existential crisis.

Follow-ups: My stolen car was determined not worth repairing, otherwise known as “a total lost” or just “totaled”. So I’ve agreed to a settlement for it with my insurance company. I got the advice to reject their first offer, but not only do I not know how to do that while guaranteeing a second, better offer, the first offer was frankly worth more than the car would ever be on the open market. The offer may well have been more than double what the car is actually worth, considering it has been sideswiped while stationary causing enough damage for a few weeks of repairs, then needed another couple of weeks of repairs to replace the shitty engine it had. Plus some minor cosmetics. Add in that it’s over a decade old, is a high theft-risk make and model, and a number of other problems. So I took it. It’s about $7k, which isn’t enough to just out and buy a solid replacement. The options I’m looking at are… well, actually, not bad. I do think I found a solid Corolla for like $8k, and those things last forever, so there is hope. Especially since the decent cars these days can easily last well into 200k-300k miles, I should be fine. But it’s a lot of stress and I need to wrap this situation up as soon as possible, because every day it isn’t is going to cost me money and risk worse prices. Then again, it may be that the used car market is about to collapse, and if I buy before that, I could be throwing money away. Wow, what a fun world we live in, huh?

Fitness & Health: I’m running more, which is great, but not getting as much strength training as I should. I’ve been pretty caught up in other life stuff, as evidenced by the previous and next topics, so I’m not going to beat myself up about it. But it stinks. I’d really like to get back to just getting it done. At least I seem to be getting back on track with this part of my life, so let’s take that win. I’m not sure where I am on weight. I clocked in on my scale as high as 250 lbs, but then immediately dropped to 245 lbs the next morning. I don’t know, man. I’d fall back on trends, which is the most reliable metric for my situation, but I haven’t really been keeping a consistent or regular log. I guess it’s past due to start that back up as well. Either way, as long as I keep this up and make sure to keep my intake in check, I should hit my goal of 220 lbs well before the year is up. If I get even close to that, I’ll be pretty happy.

Academics: I’m feeling the pinch of time pretty hard right now. I was looking at my progress so far, trying to work out a roadmap ahead of me, and considering options. I think this review was the gut check I needed, because it made me feel physically sick to my stomach. Maybe I’m over-correcting, but I’m feeling like I need to drop everything in my life that isn’t helping me get to this goal and just lock all the way in. Or maybe that’s exactly the correction that I need. I feel like I needed to have enrolled already and that even though I’m so skittish about my skills and ability to learn, I should have just already gotten in there and if I’m gunna fail, I should have failed already so I could get this ambition out of my system. I mean… that’s very fatalistic, but that’s the feeling I had.

Stepping back for a minute, I know things aren’t that dire. I can still do this. And I’m at the very end of this Algebra course, and doing pretty well. I need to lock in on that, finish it, do a good, solid run-up of Precalc and Calc I, and enroll in my local community college as soon as I can. And I need to talk to an advisor, sooner than later. Because at this point, I need to also lock in on the path, which is almost certainly Engineering. And that also makes me feel a little ill. It’s going to be so hard.

The thing is, a big part of my initial plan has to be abandoned. The old idea was more or less to get an IT or similar degree online for as cheap and quick as possible. That idea is probably my smartest one still, but I just can’t get motivated for it anymore. Losing my last job and reflecting on it over the past… I don’t know, year and change at this point, is it? Well however long it’s been, the only thing that makes me feel even more sick is to just take another job where my efforts are so diminished that I find it hard to even try. I worked so hard and I advanced, for sure, but it was so clear just how throwaway I was, and through my entire adult life, I’ve found myself doing so very little towards any of my own personal goals. Maybe I’d feel differently if I was being paid better. But I was really being paid just enough to keep me at the time.

I don’t know how to trust my gut on this, to be honest. At the risk of sounding like a petulant child, and perhaps I am one, but I feel stuck between programs that I’m not interested in and programs that feel too hard. The IT track would be so much easier, and I could do it so much quicker and for so much cheaper. Engineering seems like a really bad idea, though, because it’s so hard and I’m a busted middle-aged dork. I think the risk of this is really getting on top of me right now. I need to be very sure this is what I want to do, and if it is, I need to do everything that I can to make it happen. Because after investigating all of my options, it really is the closest I think I can possibly come to setting up the life that I actually want. I just wish I’d have ever had any clue along the way before this.

Moving on…: I’m feeling a bit out of sorts right now, but I’ve got a plan. For my next car, other than budget vs. initial cost, my main concern is reliability. I’d be more concerned with fuel efficiency, but my annual mileage is actually pretty low. I’m much more concerned with maintenance and repairs, though if I can get both, that’d be dope. So here are the cars I’m looking at, with the hybrid versions preferred where they exist and are affordable:

• Toyota Prius
• Toyota Corolla
• Honda Civic
• Honda Accord
• Toyota RAV4
• Honda CR-V
• Mazda3
• Mazda CX-5

The CX-5 is my top choice, but it means eating at least 6k out of pocket up front, because nobody is going to give me a loan despite my extremely good credit. And I really don’t want to eat that cost, but it does solve a bunch of other problems. If I can find a good Prius deal, that’s what I’ll probably do. But it’s tough to find one, the often referenced “Toyota Tax”, where the maker’s reputation helps cars hold value out of its previously renowned affordability. But Mazdas seem to have just as bulletproof engines, they keep their transmissions simple and don’t use turbos in these models. A Mazda3 would be cheaper, and is maybe tied with Prius, Corolla, and Civic for reliability. But a CX-5 would give me some additional practicality and some peace of mind. But I don’t know, it’s possible that none of these options are really open for me, so we’ll just have to see how things are, and hopefully I’ll get that payment real soon so I can just get it over with.

Other than that, I think my path is also pretty clear, at least in the immediate future:

1. Get a hold of my dang self, for corn’s sake.
2. Get the ball rolling on community college application
3. Do the FAFSA application
4. Investigate and get on top of all possible grants, scholarships, and loans
5. Start getting a feel for low-stress, low-time commitment income options
6. Clear out all things from my life that aren’t a part of my core needs.
7. I guess determine what those needs are, which means this should go above the other, but I don’t feel like reordering, so you get it.

What are those needs? Should I make another list? I don’t think I have one just yet, so let’s just… School, friends/family, fitness/health, funding my stupid life. I’m not giving up on music or projects, which I see at a minimum as part of my mental health strategy, and possibly part of my overall career strat. Especially some of those projects, many of which tie directly into subjects that I’m learning or planning to learn. Maybe that’ll be next week’s topic. Anyway, I gotta get back to it.

Busy couple of weeks. Let’s start with a follow-up, then my check-ins, and then what’s been up if I have time.

Follow-up: My stolen car has been found. It also seems to have been involved in a crime or time while away, other than just being stolen. But it seems like there wasn’t much damage, so with some hope I should have it repaired and returned to me any day now. Hopefully soon, because the rental I’m in now is busted. It’s a much newer Mitsubishi and the model itself seems fine, maybe even nice. I think it might qualify as a crossover or a small SUV, I’m not sure, but it’s very comfy and the modern amenities are great. But because it’s a rental, the alignment, tire balance, and who knows what else are just fucked. Getting up to speed means the whole thing shakes to all hell. I’m also very happy that I won’t have to buy a new car. I’m really not in the place for that right now. So dope.

Fitness/Health: I’m having a bit of a dispute with my insurance over a medication that I need to, you know, live. So hopefully I’ll get that cleared up soon. Also, I’ve become aware that I somehow managed to miss my annual physical all of last year, which ain’t great. So I’m scheduled to get one mid-April, and kinda hoping I can get in a little sooner. Fitness wise, I slacked a bit again last week, but at least kept up enough for maintenance. This week, I’m working on getting into a new “Spring” phase. I got in a walk that ended with a bit of a run, and that feels like a good start. Now I need to make sure I get in my remaining workouts for the week, and stay on top of my intake.

Academics: I have finished CS50x. And now there is a video of me. I’m going to link it here. So I’m pretty upset about that, but whatever. I didn’t have to take the class and I’ve known for a while that this would be how it would end. So alright, there we are.

In Algebra, I’m still working through my Exponential and Logarithmic Functions. I’m not finding these nearly as difficult as I have in the past, but also, I am taking forever. I do, however, think I should take forever. I’ve had so much trouble with these in the past, and I just know I gotta know ’em, right? So that’s the plan. The shit that’s up next is Series and Sequences, which I constantly see others complaining about, and I don’t remember doing at all. I’d love to finish Algebra this month, but I’m runnin’ out of month, and chunks of it are getting eaten up by other needs and obligations. So that’ll probably be mid-April.

I had plans to take a Python class, but I can’t find any that really meet my wants and needs. I might still do it, but I don’t know. I can find some for credit. I can find some that are online. I can find some that are self-paced. I can find some that are generally considered quite good. But I haven’t found one that hits all of those notes. It’s also come to my attention that, while I will likely want to use it in Engineering, I’m likely to learn what I need from other courses and don’t likely need a dedicated one. I’d already planned to continue my coding journey with some side projects and I think this will be a good place to get that fix for now.

I may find myself needing to enroll in actual school earlier than I’ve been planning, given that the vast majority of classes I’ll need seem to be considerably better in person. This bums me out. I was really hoping to save time and money on as many classes as possible, but I’m finding fewer and fewer potential courses that are actually available for-credit in the self-paced online format. I know there are other options, including self-study with testing, and I’m exploring those, but meh. Probably not good enough. Classes do exist for a few, and I’m planning to do as much Math as I can, possibly up through Calc II. I’m hoping I can pair Physics I with Calc I, and I was looking at a Chemistry course with Lab, but I’m hearing that might not be great. I don’t know. What else can I do that would count towards this?

Alright, last up, I might start check-in sections for music, projects, other stuff. I don’t know, but on the music front, I play with my friends most Sundays. And it rips. This last practice – yesterday – we had a guest. The guest is much better at guitar than me, at least in the genre that we’re moving into. And this is great news for me. I’ve been feeling extremely stuck and I’ve been both super into this genre but I’m also super anxious about doing it. Being able to play with him and watch his playing was great, and it’s melted a bit of that concern. His fingering and strumming were very crisp and clean, which is something I need to work on. Also, his understanding of keys and progressions is solid, which is another thing to work on. But just knowing that I have something to work on, especially since it so perfectly matches up with what I’ve been looking to work on, is great. But the biggest thing is that I could see up close and confirm my understanding of the play matches with what I saw with my own eyes.

Oh, um… Soul. I guess Neo Soul, because there’s like a helping of of Soul with a smidge of Jazz, a pinch of Blues, and a heaping scoop of Funk. The big revelation is how much of what he was playing was just identifying the key (which I do find quite difficult), finding the right chord progression, and then with that, just playing those chords and picking out arpeggios and solos within those chords and scales. If I pair that with some music theory, I should get there. Having something to aim for is a real help, though I now have to lock down a plan and then execute on it.

There’s other stuff going on, but nothing really worth getting into at this point, so we’ll leave it there. I’ll check in again next week, possibly earlier if I can find some time. I do have a few off-topic things I’ve been itching to get into. Keep it easy.

So my car got stolen. That’s super fun.

It’s a 2010ish Hyundai, so I guess I should have expected this. But I’ve had it for over a decade and also, to be honest, I thought that was just the Elantra and whatever the Kia equivalent is that were being targeted. I don’t have one of those, so I foolishly thought mine was safe. Shame on me, I suppose.

I got a rental car today, so I’m able to get around. That’s important, because it’s nearly impossible to get anything done where I live without a car. It’s really just the bigger cities and a handful of older towns in the US where you can be autonomous without a car. Thankfully, ambitious people who give a damn have taken notice. Unfortunately, most of what’s being done is not by them. But here in my town, there have been some steps in the right direction, and here’s to hoping.

I don’t know what’s going to happen with my car. A friend of mine got his boosted a few years back, and he actually got his back. The way car boosting happens around this area on the class of models my car belongs to, if they aren’t taking the catalytic converter (and I would guess they are), it’s probably just a joy ride. That’s not great, and it does probably mean some amount of damage, but it also means that I have a good chance of getting it back. Which is great, because I doubt my insurance is going to cover enough to really replace it, and the more expenses that stack up, the less flexible I am in my current pursuits. And that would stink.

Speaking of which, let’s check progress on those pursuits in:

Health/Fitness: The numbers are more of less static, which is not my favorite, but it’s not all bad. It always takes a few weeks for my results to catch up with my actions, and I do feel like I just restarted for the season. Which means I’m more likely still leveling off from my winter indulgences. On that front, I got in a couple of decent strength training sessions this past week. This week that just started, I need to up that. I need a minimum of 3x each week, and should really be getting 4-6x sessions total, split between lifting, calisthenics, and HIIT. I also need to reintroduce my cardio HIITs, like that miserable indoor bike program that feels awful to do but feels great when done. Other cardio wise, I’ve gotten in a good few walks this week. Also not enough, I should really be getting a walk every single day, and I didn’t Saturday or Sunday. I skipped today, too, which is not how I should be starting my week. I gave myself a break because of the car and all, but… they aren’t actually related, so it’s a poor excuse. However, I did run last week. Three times. I didn’t make a full, unbroken mile on any of them, but I also wasn’t shooting for that. What I was trying for was reestablishing the routine and getting a sort of gauge like, where am I right now after that bit of a winter break? And it turns out, I haven’t fallen off all that far.

I’m not sure if I’ve stated or even really established a goal for this year, and we’re already a few months in, so let’s slap something on the table.

Here are this year’s main goals:

220 lbs – At or Below by End of Year. – If I can manage to hit that earlier in the year, I’ll readjust to the next class. But I’ve really been struggling to maintain the 240 I achieved last year, and I don’t want to stress out too much. Though I also think that combined knowledge is informing me to readjust my diet. On top of the needed increase in workouts and overall physical activity, one thing is for sure – I need to calorie count again.

End of Year Running Goal(s) –

1) Regain ability to run 1 unbroken mile (before Summer)

2) Make this a regular feat (before end of Summer – maybe weekly?)

3) Run the majority of my typical walking route at least once (any time – about 3.5 miles)

Academics: Did I mentioned I finished an Algebra test? Well, I did. I did pretty well, but as always, I found some shortfalls. Over the course of that Stats class and this Algebra rebuild, I’ve started to gain a strong routine of learning from my struggle problems – I do a review of my tests, log where I got anything wrong as correct answers that I struggled with, and try to work out them out. I try to get the answer on my own, if I can, but also try to identify why I got them wrong, what I didn’t understand, what silly mistakes I might have made. That really helps. I’m in Exponential Functions now, which I remember having trouble with in High School. More recently, I had a lot of trouble with logarithms, which is also a part of this section. The exponent portion of it is so far clicking, but every time I revisit logarithms, something just ain’t working for me. But it needs to, and it will, because this isn’t just the end of my college Algebra I. If I understanding correctly, this stuff in particular is also critical to Calculus, which itself is critical to all of the technical careers that I’m looking at. So this is do or die time.

I mean, not literally. I’ve at least proven to myself that I can do school and, at a minimum, I can take some classes to boost my resume. If I quit this year without ever getting to Calculus, I will have already done something important to me. And if that ends up the case, I now have some great foundations for other options, which will probably mean leaning all the way into coding with various IT certs. I’m already hire-able. I was when I left my last job. These moves have already been enough to improve my job market position. So I’m feeling pretty good about that at the very least.

I am still dragging my feet on that CS50 final, but I have now locked the code. And it looks great, if I can brag a little. I’m thinking about where I can deploy that to share it outside of the class and, kinda what I’m thinking is this is another chance to indulge one of my Elder-Millennial wants and buy another website. I’ve got a few ideas on my mind, but have thus far resisted actually checking if any are available. Because I just know that if I check and any of my top picks are available, I’ll buy them on the spot.

I’ve also pulled out a smidge of my old podcasting equipment so I can hopefully have some OK audio. Right, did I mention? I think I did, but not in today’s post. A video is required. So for the video, I think I’ll be using either (maybe both) my phone or laptop webcam. I don’t really think I have any other options. I don’t know the last time I bought a camera that’s… just a camera. I have been looking for an excuse to get a camera that’s capable of taking great digital video. It looks like a lot of youtubers use the same couple of cameras, especially leaning on Sony’s. Those are pretty pricey, though, and even more so in this bonkers inflation we’re living in, and then there’s the whole car thing, so… yeah, maybe the phone is the best idea. Webcam is more than sufficient for a student project.

I did get my README and video script written, and I did practiced a few times. I did a dry run yesterday and one where I actually recorded today. Today’s recording didn’t use the podcasting equipment, so the audio was predictably bad. But not so bad that it would stop me from using it if it was my only option. I have a Macbook, so I’ll be using the included iMovie to edit. This ain’t gotta be fancy, just concise and legible. And under 3 minutes, which it currently is not. My first practice run was something like 4 minutes 30 seconds. I think a little more practice and editing to clip out the pauses and um’s should tighten things up.

You know, every now and then I entertain the idea of starting a youtube channel. I ultimately back out for one reason or another, usually practical ones. It really does seem like a lot of work, for one. For another, it would be some real exposure, and I’m really not sure that’s something that I want. If I do, it means I need to be a whole lot more professional than I tend to come off as. Since the video in question is required for a program that I intend to finish, I have to do it. Thankfully, it can be unlisted, which means I get to have the taste of the experience without committing to the full exposure. But I might list it, because it will be a professional thing. Or at least professional enough. So I think when I do the real recording, I’ll throw on a tie, work out some flattering lighting, and make sure I don’t talk too roughly.

Probably the biggest boon from all of this is just being able to stretch my organizational skills again, along with my ability to learn new things. That’s been really nice.

Anyway, that’s been enough thoughts on all of this for now. I’ll report back when done, or I suppose… sheepishly next week if I’m still not done.

It’s snowing in Columbia, MD. On March 12th. Should it snow in Columbia, MD in mid-March? No, it should not.

Temperature today is in the 30s (that’s Fahrenheit, looks like the 0s in Celsius… is that right?). Yesterday it was in the mid-70s (or low-20s C). I’m sure that’s fine. We live in hell.

Anyway, my Algebra journey continues, and I’d like to log in some of that. My return to Math has been going well, and it has also prompted some self reflection. I’ve been thinking about the lessons I seem to have missed, and from what I’m still struggling with, I seem to have completely missed how knowledge and processes build. Honestly, it feels a little silly.

In my high school days, our Math classes always had something we called “Word Problems”. I think they might still be called that, but I’m not in high school, so I wouldn’t know. But in these college level courses I’m taking, they call them “Applications”, and actually, I do prefer that. A part of me does find it a little stuffy and pretentious, but give the adolescent implication of the phrase “Word Problem”, I can live with that.

I find myself having a little panic at the start of every one of these. I’m trying to find the thing that I’m solving for and piecing together what bits of knowledge are dropped in it to figure out how to solve it. However, there always seem to be these keys that go entirely unnoticed by me. Stuff I do notice – square vs. cube. They are probably both dealing with lengths of sides but if the square problem goes beyond that, it’s probably about area. So your equations should be about length times width. Cube could also be about area, but there’s a good chance that if we’re talking about cubes, area is a stepping stone problem. Like, what we really want is the volume, and we don’t need to know the area to get the volume of a box – it’s LxWxH, right? Except what if you’re only given two of those dimensions and an area? Right, so now we have to setup an area problem, solve that for the missing variable, and then we can plug that into our simple volume equation.

I think I needed to write that out because, while that specific type of problem isn’t all that hard to put together, the biggest win from it is just how it informs, sort of previews harder problems. I need to find a way to remind myself of that as I encounter the more complicated stuff. Sometimes it isn’t even all that more complicated, I got thwarted by a surface area of a cylinder question the other day, but that’s not really that hard either, to be honest. But when I’m in the mindset looking for an A->B and not thinking of an A->B->C, then I’m likely going to get stuck just trying to remember some of the mid-problem math, like if it’s the pi or the r that gets squared. The implication of the materials trying to teach you to write, read, and interpret complex rational equations is that the technical world is chalk full of these types of problems.

I’m trying to put this all in perspective because I’m at least halfway through this online course, and the way it’s structured, I’d say I’m actually more like 3/4s through. I am feeling a lot more confident in my skills now, but I’m not 100%, and I need to lock in. I don’t want to jump to the next level still caring the baggage of decades of unlearned lessons.

It’s maddening that it’s already mid-March. The passage of time has begun to feel like a chase, and I’m not sure which side of it I’m on. Let’s hurry up and check this in, lest we dwell too long.

Fitness/Health: Seems static, which coming off of my Winter phase, I’ll take as a win. I do seem to have peaked on my weight gain, which is good, because that shit is driving me nuts. I no longer drink, I mostly eat quite healthy, and I exercise regularly. It’s infuriating when the numbers don’t seem to align with the effort. But also, I haven’t been doing all of that so tightly, and a thing I’d started to notice as I aged, even before my health turn, was that my fitness indicators seem to lag my fitness actions. I don’t know if that corpo speak makes sense, so let me put it another way. When I’m sedentary and eating poorly, my fitness suffers, that’s obvious, but when I was younger this would happen right away. The other side of this coin was also pretty immediate. If I started working out, I would start seeing results in my desired direction right away. I’m older, so it makes sense that it takes a few days for effects to catch up with me, but up until recently, there would at least be a moment between the bad fitness and the good fitness where things would level off for a while. I don’t know, I’m really just complaining to complain now. It’s fine, and I’m getting back on that proverbial horse, and it’s fine. I said it’s fine.

Academics: I still haven’t turned in my CS50 final, and it’s obvious to me that I’m dragging my feet. Two reason, both are silly, but that’s nothing new for me. Reason 1) I feel like my project isn’t good enough. Multiple sources tell me it is good enough, but I’m unsure. I wonder if there’s a way to check with the actual staff what they think?

Actually, I just googled it, and it turns out I was maybe supposed to submit a form for a project approval before I even started. So maybe I’m not done. You know what? I’m going to check in on that and see what’s up.

Anyway, the second reason is because it requires a video for submission. And I don’t wanna.

Algebra is going quite well. I’m a little frustrated because I continue to make some very silly mistakes, but as I’ve (mostly) stuck to my new plan of Math is Every Day – a thing that I’ll need to find a better name for, or at least a name that makes a fun acronym – I’ve been making fewer of those mistakes. I’ve also been finding it a little easier to pick up concepts that I’d previously missed or misunderstood. And that’s quite nice. It’s really starting to ease my concerns for my future Calculus classes. I hope it doesn’t start going to me head, though, because I think that being thoroughly humbled may be my personal key to Math. I guess we’ll see as I continue.

Other stuff: My recent successes in various projects has me hungry for more projects. In particular, I really want to give a shot at a project that I might be able to publish. I’ve been writing some fiction for a while, which does satisfy this want, but all of that will take a good while before it’s done. I’d really love to put together a tiny little app or game or something. Something I can put on an app store or itch or something. Or maybe a custom theme for WordPress. I don’t know, I want to make something that I can put my name on and start building a portfolio or body of work. I do, however, feel like this is still quite premature. However, it might be that this is where I start linking and personalizing my learning. I’ll get started on some projects, maybe bring back some of my favorite unfinished projects from back in the day, and see if I can make some progress on them. When I hit a wall, I’ll have a better idea of what to learn next. That seems like a good idea.

A part of this has to do with this project – the idea of documenting my progress and also just finding reasons to write. I have a whole bunch of other things that I want to write about, and maybe share some of that fiction I’m working on as I go, but this blog, at least as it appears right now, doesn’t seem like the right place for it. Maybe if I could spruce this up to support more than just standard blog posts, like if I had something like a media zone or a more easily parsed category system. Or maybe I should just start shoving those thoughts onto one of my un-or-underused sites like cookiesandramen.com. I wonder how long of a project that would be? Spruce up that ol’ site and start posting some stuff over there? I’d love to get to doin’ some old-web stuff. Right? Wouldn’t that be fun?

My romance situation has taken an interesting turn. Not that I’ve found any, no, I’m still quite pathetic in that way. But I’ve started internalizing that if I ever want to reclaim my old rizz or, perhaps a better and more doable plan to have new rizz, is to treat it like a project as well, and let myself work and learn my way into a better me. I mean, that’s the point of all of this anyway, right? I’ve already gotten a bit of positive feedback from this. Just trying to be the generally and genuinely interested and open person has compelled me to actually converse with people and in situations that I ordinarily wouldn’t. I’ve had a handful of conversations at the checkouts of shops and other places I’ve visited. I think I might have engaged in a smidge of mutual flirting late-ish at a Royal Farms. I feel like flirting with someone while they are on the job on your are their customer is kinda shitty, which is one of the reasons I’ve not really done this, but you can be a smidge flirty or at least charming and conversation with anyway, unless they’re clearly giving the “leave me the fuck alone” eyes. Right? But don’t worry, I am still an idiot and really didn’t get the vibe that she might be flirting back until after I was already driving away. Not that I would have done anything about it anyway. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell for sure when it’s flirting vs. just being friendly. Also, I’m not sure it’s ever cool to hit on someone in that situation even if they are returning the flirt. Also also, I’m not sure how old she was. She seemed like she was in her 30s. I’m in my early 40s, so I think that’s fine but about my bottom limit. I guess, presuming we’re both legal adults (it was late enough at night that I think she legally would have to be), I maybe don’t care if it’s just a smash. But I’m also finding that, as desperate as I am to just smash, at this point in my life, I would like… I don’t know, but not that. So flirting with a mid-20s woman while she’s working seems ill advised.

My wardrobe refresh project is also continuing, though perhaps in fits and starts. I think it’s fair to not want to spend a lot on clothes that I’m hoping won’t fit me in the near future, so I’m trying to focus on stuff whose fit won’t significantly change, like shoes, or stuff that being oversized might actually be preferred, like most of the sweater and coat styles I like.

These last ones are also part of wanting to gin-up a new blog theme. I don’t know, maybe I can find one close enough that already exists. I mean, this place really needs a fix up. The picture of me up there is over a decade old. I don’t even have those glasses anymore, let alone the hair. But also, in the event that I want to come back through and read my way through a specific topic, I’d love for everything to be more cleanly and crisply organized before I start differentiating posts that are just about my clothes or just about my school. Maybe that’s also silly. It’s true that I am a very silly man. But it seems like a reasonable thing to want from my point of view.

This post is way too long. That’s yet another reason for the want to fix things up here. I end up taking more time than I want between posts because I don’t want to make a bunch of tiny little micro posts. But actually, maybe I do, because then I end up making a way-too-long post that rambles around and still manages to miss some of the things I’ve been thinking about. If this place had room for a wider mix of post lengths and types in a way that didn’t feel totally obnoxious, I’d be pretty happy about that. It kinda reminds me of how utterly disappointing I was with what social media had become before I eventually bounced the fuck off of it. There should be room to just drop my thoughts and also encourage engaging and fair discourse without things turning immediately hostile and packing full of Nazis. But the internet is and has always been full of Nazis, so… I suppose that’s just a pipe dream. But I don’t need to solve the engagement and fascism problems with my stupid blog. I don’t need to solve any problem here, I would just like to widen my options without limiting my utility.

I’ve been busy, though not so much that I can’t be making my weekly check-ins I’ve intended for Mondays. But I’m not. Anyway, I can still check in this week’s progress.

Health & Fitness: I’m feeling pretty good. My vitals have been pretty good and while my weight loss hasn’t resumed, I do seem to have begun rebounding from the extra Winter weight. I do have a few things I need to do and am dragging my feet on – I need to pick a few new doctors due to change in insurance, I need to do some maintenance (and maybe repairs) on my cheap walking pad, and I need to get back to consistency on a routine. I guess I need to establish a routine, first, but that’s never really been the way things work for me. I tend to sort of try things out and let the successes of my trial and error settle in. But let’s log some wins, not the least of which that I’ve been regularly (though still not consistently), getting back on my workouts. I’ve been walking almost every day for the last week and change and started getting out of bed closer to my intended wake-up time. Both of these are extremely useful for the rest of my life, and they even help each other. So that’s dope.

Academics: I’m about halfway through my Algebra class, and I’m doing pretty well. I most definitely still need some work. I’m still making some of the same dumb mistakes, usually sign-tracking or typos/copy mistakes. Really not great. Also, on the latest test I took, the biggest mistakes I made came from feeling rushed when I actually finished with some time left. I am pretty sure I know the solve for these and the rest of my problems, and that’s more practice. Which I am doing, but you know. Time sucks.

I’m also still not yet done with CS50. I have basically finished my Final. It’s rad, though in comparison to some of the projects other students turned in, mine is a little weak. But checking around, it seems like mine should be plenty, as long as I explain in my README and submission video how it works. I am really resisting making that video. I’ve had off-and-on thoughts of doing to youtubing that I always end up not following through on because it does kinda freak me out. In this case, most of that trepidation is tempered by being able to upload to an unlisted video, and I don’t think I actually have to show my face on it. Though I think I will show my face, I mean, might as well if it’s both unlisted and me showing off some work, right?

Other Projects: Have I talked about my other goings on in a while? I don’t think so. My friends and I have been playing music together for what we think has been about a year now. It’s been really rad, and we’ve all gotten much better. But also, I’m still not great, and we’re still not actually playing full songs just on our own. Given that my bandmates are basically coming from zero and we’re all self-taught, I suppose that’s still pretty good. But now we’re all interested in locking in, which is also rad. I’m more than ready for this.

A sub-project of this has been rigging up a pedal board. This is another thing that I’ve been off-and-on working on for some years, but this year, it’s actually a reality. I have a working and basically complete pedal board right now. I say basically complete because there are a few things left to work out. The main outstanding thing is dialing in settings on my pedals. And there are so many pedals. Next up is some rigging – all of the pedals but one are attached to the board with that ol’ hook and loop stuff and it’s all wired and cabled up, but I need to secure what’s left that’s loose. And the pedal that’s not secure is my Crybaby Wah, which is kind of always broken. I mean, I have it working(-ish) right now, but man… was that main switch always so stiff and shitty? Also, the bottom has them rubber feets, which complicates things. I could pick up a bottom plate that’s made for this sort of thing, and they’re less than like $20, so I really should. But you know. I don’t wanna. And anyway, I do still think I’m going to crack it open to see if I can do anything about that switch and maybe do some maintenance on that pot. But it’s not crackly, so that’s pretty dope.

Also, now I’m trying to learn how to play Funk. I love Funk, but rarely listen to it, and have never played it. And now that I’m trying, I’m realizing that I’m pretty bad at it.

Also, I can’t sing. I mean, I can sing, and I love singing, but I’m bad at it, and when I try to improve, I feel extremely self conscience, which does the opposite.

I should really get back on finding a new therapist, huh?

Well, alright, I’m going to try and get a little guitar practice and some reading in before I wind down for the night, so I’m going to cut it off here. Is anyone’s Crybaby Wah not at least a little bit broken?

As I approach the end of Winter and the transition into Spring, I am finding it a little easier to get back on track.

Health & Fitness: So I lost a few pounds, which is great. I’m still up a few from my lowest, which is also fine, and expected, but you know… I can admit that I’m a little bit salty. Just a quick recap – at the end of last year, I got down to abut 239 lbs. Over January and the beginning of February, I got up to 246. I expected some weight gain, but I was not happy about that 7 pounds. On the other hand, I think it helps me reset expectations for next year – prepare for a winter season where I could gain 5-10, and that’ll be fine. Anyway, I’m back down to 243, which I feel a lot better about. I do think that some of this is a medication issue, since I had a switch in some meds and an unscheduled break for a few days from some others. Not my favorite, but that’s the US medical system for you.

Academics: Algebra continues to move forward. I’m feeling more and more comfortable with it, and I think I’m now better at it than I ever was. However, that’s not really a huge comfort for me, but rather a confirmation that I didn’t really understand it when I was young. Though I’ll say, I feel significantly stronger when it comes to fractions, quadratics, exponents, and complex numbers. But I’m not effortless with them yet, and I think I need to be. Related, there are still a few spots where I’m not just inefficient, I’m genuinely struggling. Applications are the big key, because that’s not just the math, that’s the intuition and understanding, and those are going to be what matters in other classes and the real world, especially if I do keep leaning Engineering. For my computer science jazz, I finished my final project… then I looked at some other ones and felt mine is inadequate and decided I needed to upgrade this thing. It’s not that mine was significantly under the expectations, in fact I believe it met them. But I can do better and, more importantly, I’m pretty sure there are some features and functionality that graders are looking for, and some of those are pretty obvious for my project. I also think I could have wrapped those upgrades in like, two pretty dedicated days. But instead I’ve only really dedicated one day, and keep chipping at the rest of the stuff in these smaller sessions, which end up adding time because I need to reset and fix up little mistakes I’ve made in previous sessions. Very annoying. And that also leads me to today’s topic.

On my mind this week: Aaronproofing was a concept I had years ago, the idea of recognizing some of my little shortfalls and setting up guardrails that kept me from stepping on the same rake over and over. Sometimes you just gotta recognize a thing you do as a trend, and then address it. Maybe. But if you want to You-proof a thing, you gotta G.I. Joe that shit first, because knowing is half the battle. So a trend I’ve noticed in myself that I don’t love is how I’ve come to treat my Mondays. And it sucks.

In my last month, I started to reorient my life around the job, but in a way that really started to work for me. Like, I got real good at that shit, and part of it was setting each entire week up on Monday. I’d come into work on Monday, ready to rock and with a full head of steam, and then I’d use that motivation to set up all of my work projects, make all of my appointments, just get everything that I needed done or ready to be done right then. It made the whole rest of the week so much easier, and I’d just get shit done like I never had before, and frankly, haven’t since.

And I’m not doing that these days. I find myself waking up late, listing around, and dragging my feet on basically everything. This has been particularly acute the last few weeks, compounded by my ongoing seasonal difficulties, which I think is why I’m noticing it so readily. But some level of this has actually been happening for the better part of a year at this point. I did get a bit more done this Monday than the last couple of weeks, which I suspect is also a part of the seasonal shift, but the problem still exists. Anyway, I’ve recognized it, so hopefully I can now do something about it.

The getting up on time has been the toughest, and that started following my hospital stay a few years back. It’s possible that this just has to be the new me, because it’s true that I just don’t recover like I used to. That’s also an age thing, but I know plenty of old folks that get up at the crack of with little to no issue. The thought I’ve been having today, which I have to imagine is going to prove rather naive, is that I just need to start doing it. That’s it. Set the alarm at the hour I want, and get the fuck up when it goes off. Doesn’t matter if I slept poorly or still feel tired or can sleep in. I’m circling a thought here, and I don’t feel like editing, so I’m just going to write what I’m thinking and that’ll be that. So much of what I’ve succeeded at came from the notion of just doing it. To do it – you do it. That’s it. And I feel like this is one of those. Like, it seems like I really did need the rest, and whether or not I do still, rhythms are rhythms, and mine needs resetting. Some resets are best in measured, careful phases. But I think this one is more like a bandage or cold pool – just do it. I think if I can, and then keep it up for a week or so, I’ll reset my rhythms and it won’t be so hard to get up any more.

Well that’s the idea, anyway. I’m not entirely committed, which really is the enemy of success. So we’ll see, and I’ll report back if I can remember. In the meantime, keep it easy.

I need to log a quick check in because I skipped a week and am already a day late this week.

Fitness: I feel like I’ve gained a few pounds, but my weigh-ins are showing it more or less static. We’re getting close to the end of winter, which I’m already lamenting, but must admit that my health would benefit from the season change. I have gotten some exercise in, but it’s definitely not enough. I’m also going a little harder than I should on late night snacking. I think this might also be a seasonal thing, to be honest, I kinda think the winter changes my cravings, for lack of a better description. Anyway, I guess the season is getting to me.

Health: My insurance change is already proving to be a huge pain in the ass. I will need to find a new Cardiologist and Dentist, and I have a feeling that this isn’t the end of it. I picked the MCO that I did because the signup tool made it clear they were the only one that covered my current primary care, but my primary care is connected to the same root that my cardiologist is, and that system don’t take this. So I suspect they don’t take it either, so I’ll need another one of them. Now I’ll have to take a big chunk of at least one day to try and sort all of this shit out. The health care provider that I want would cover all of them, but isn’t currently available to sign up for. I would prefer to just coast and just, I don’t know, not go to a doctor for a few years, but given my health problems, that’s not an option. I can’t remain healthy and perhaps cannot live without medication any longer. So I am now being punished for the crime living. Yes, this is a very fair system with real Christian values, isn’t it.

Academics: I’ve finally made it to my final project in CS50, which I’m also already mostly done with. I didn’t do great on the second problem in Week 9, and since this class allows infinite resubmits, I think I might try to clean up that project and see if I can get a better grade on it. But I’ve done really well with all of the other projects, so I’m not really sweating it too hard. After that, the plan is to line up a Python class, but I want one that offers college credit, is online and self paced, and is still actually useful, and I’m having a bit of a hard time squaring that. You know what? I should check some forums. I bet someone’s asked this on reddit or something. I’m also thinking about other coding classes, but I think the main stuff I’ll need for any of the potential careers I’m considering are Python, SQL, and then specialty stuff that I’m going to need to pick up there anyway. Maybe I should see if those forums have some suggestions on picking areas of focus as well.

I’ve been working my way back through Algebra, and it’s going well. But I’ve still not internalized the pace of this whole learning thing, so I always feel like I’m going too slowly. I do keep making silly mistakes, which is tough, because those build and compound and often prevent other stuff from sinking. But you know, that’s how it goes. I do feel like I’m on the upswing with it, though, because I’ve been doing problems very regularly. Like most days, almost every day. I’ll usually get a few problems wrong, and almost always because of those dumb mistakes, but there have been some huge successes. I already feel so much more comfortable with fractions and exponents. I had some real revelations with some factoring that I thought I understood, but I really didn’t. Other then doing enough problems to really lock those in, I’m mostly still worried about logarithms. I understand them conceptually, and I’ve done a few, but I’m just still really uncomfortable with them. I need a strong breakdown and walk back through of the rules.

After that, I think I’ll do an abbreviated, personal, non-credit Pre-calc. This will depend on just how bad my Trig is, which I’m worried it may in fact be very bad. But if I can catch up quickly, that would be great, and I could hurry up and get into that Calculus that I’m so worried about. And when I’m comfortable with my pace in both the math and coding, I’ll pick up the other classes I’m looking at for this “simulated semester” I’m doing in my run up to real college.

Speaking of seasons, I’ve been thinking about seasonality. I’ve had the thought in the back of my head for some time and, not wanting to fall into an “appealing to the ancients” logical fallacy, I’ve largely resisted the idea that our modern human lives are seasonally locked. I still believe this, as many people live more or less a-seasonally and are successful and happy. But I think I could use some real seasonality in my own life. I’ve been viewing this phase of my life as building to the life that I want, or am at least comfortable with. A big part of that is the not-job part, and I’m increasingly thinking that both the job and not-job parts would benefit from seasonal distinctions. Like given this year’s experiences, I think I need to change my next year’s winter expectations and plans to both accept that winter is just a bit of a fitness dip, but also make it easier for myself to take care of my health on a winter diet. I think reorienting other aspects of my life to seasons would support this as well. Like if I can make my winter work load a combination of physical work to keep the blood flowing paired with some real book-shit so I can enjoy the weather next to a fire, I think that’d really set my soul about right.

Alright, it’s late and I don’t think I’m making much sense. I’m out. Have a good one and keep it easy.

It’s been a bit busy for me. I mean, not really, I don’t work. But you know, busier than it’s been for me. I’ve got a minute now, so I want to get my check-in… in.

Fitness remains relatively static, which is quite nice. I was really expecting to gain a bunch of weight and lose a bunch of my gains over the winter and, well, I guess the winter ain’t over. I have been dragging on workouts, to be honest, so jury’s still out. I skipped all of last week and have only gotten in one so far this week. I am pretty sure I’ll miss tomorrow as well, so maybe I’ll make a point of it for Friday and the weekend. Speaking of which, I have a pasta themed birthday party to attend this weekend, so I really should be getting in some steps. Gotta stave it off, one, two, three. And now you can count to three.

Health wise, it’s basically same-same, though I continue to lose access to my preferred doctors because of insurance and because we live in hell.

Academically, I do in fact have something good to report – I have finished my Intro to Stats class. I got a 95%. I’m feelin’ pretty good about that, though any moment I start feeling cocky about it, I remember that it was open book. But you know… still counts.

Okay, so up next. I’m still working on the CS50x, currently on Week 9. Two problems in this set and I’m basically done with the first. There was a server error when I was cleaning it up, so I haven’t been able to submit it just yet. I’m pretty sure I have something wrong with it, but it should be easy enough to fix once I actually sit down and work on it. I haven’t started on the second problem, and I’m hoping it’s not too involved. But I do have a plan for the final project, and I’m pretty excited to jump into that. If I can keep my plan together, then I should be done with this intro to Computer Science class in a couple of weeks.

I’m revisiting my ongoing Algebra efforts, this time with an actual plan for credit and a whole lot more help. I’m throwing everything I can at it, because I am goddamned determined to come out of this class not just passing it, but being fluent in the language of Algebra. And if I can’t, then we reevaluate what I can do, but I will. And when I do, I’ll reevaluate to get more specific which path to follow. It’s feeling more and more Engineeringly, but… that Math really scares me. And I’m in my dang 40s, should I really be pursuing an Engineering degree at this age? All of my smart friends who returned as adult students were practical about it, and went for like, IT and Computer Security degrees. Those are doable with very tangible outcomes. My plan seems like a real dumb gamble, but you know, I’m always just doin’ me. And this could give me a chance to develop the skills I’ve been craving, stuff that gives me the ability to finish the projects that I get most excited for. One positive in this corner is I keep getting confirmation on the work from people whom have done it, that it’s just a skill like any other, it’s just harder to fake it. Talent or no, there is no substitute for doing the work. I had lunch with my Dad today and he gave me some advice that I think is pretty good, which I’ll summarize as, “Math is every day.” So maybe that’s what I need right now.

As I move forward, I’ve decided to treat the next few months like a sort of “simulated semester”, where I’m going to try and work these classes like school is my full time job, which it kind of is. And I’m going to take a heavier course load, and start incorporating more and more of the habits of highly successful learners. Some of them match up with habits I had to develop in work, so that’s nice. The current plan is to sign up for in person classes at my local community college come August, with a possibility of signing up as early as May, depending on how things are going by mid-April. I think I’m getting pretty eager to actually do some in person classes, though my anxieties and apprehensions are still rather strong.

Let’s talk other classes on the block. I’ve previously studied Economics, a couple of times actually, but none for credit. I think it’s time I revisited that, this time for credit. I think study.com has the best program for self-paced, for-credit online, but I’m still thinking about it. I really wish there was an easier path through stuff like OCWs, which I am already familiar with, but I don’t see one. They’re great if I don’t care about the credits, but now I do. Either way, I don’t want to make that move until I’ve finally wrapped CS50. I guess that’s true for everything on the block accept for the other math stuff, which is the only clear path I have right now. The math stuff goes about like this – finish Algebra, do some Pre-Calc, then it’s Calc I – III. I am told that I’ll want to take II & III in person, which seems reasonable to me. I’m considering Chemistry I, though I get the feeling that I’ll want to have Algebra finished for it, so maybe that should wait. Python is the obvious follow-up to CS50, and that might be the top choice. I have so many reasons to take it, and given my hobbies, sooner seems smart.

I need to get a look at a few typical syllabus…syllabi? That can’t be right. I need to see what classes I need to take for the various programs that I’m considering, to make sure I hit what I need without causing myself problems. For instance, I have an Intro to Nutrition course that I’ve started and looks easy enough, so I plan to finish that in my lighter hours. I think I’ll need the credits, and it may be that I can’t handle a full load of tough classes. I would have to guess that food science gets pretty tough, but an intro to nutrition just can’t be from the windows to the walls. But if it’s more difficult than I expect and if it’s not a useful credit for my area of study, then I shouldn’t be wasting the time or money.

I feel like some of my other interests and hobbies should also be able to integrate, like some art classes so I can get better at sketching (if ME is the path), pottery could give me insights into manufacturing, I’m sure I’ll have to take some kind of CAD course, right? I should get a better idea of what differentiates the specialties, shouldn’t I?

Alright, it’s late. I’m hungry. I need to wrap up and watch that Fallout finale. Have a good one and keep it easy.

Legit snowfall in the mid-Atlantic this weekend, which as the rare 40-something who likes that shit, I’m in a pretty good mood. And there is already news of possibly more snowfall, potentially a major storm. So that’ll be fun. For me. And nobody else.

Health & Fitness: More or less static. I knew I wouldn’t be making any real gains on the weight loss front during this season, and I’m pleased that I don’t seem to be losing ground. More over, the parts that I haven’t measured (some that can’t and others I’m just not interested) seem to be improving. I haven’t been very consistent with my updated lifting routine, but I have been keeping up with it enough to feel some changes. I feel a little stronger, a little less winded with harder movements, and I guess just a little fitter in general. Like, I think my clothes fit better, and I continue to see slow improvements on some of my highlights, like getting them shoulders back. Other than my latest good news on my liver, that’s basically it.

Academically: Also a bit of the same, though worth reporting a smidge. The push to focus in and really do the reading and practice worked. I got totally stuck in the first parts of Hypothesis Testing for days, maybe weeks. It sucked. I couldn’t even understand what the point of it. As I started to understand the meaning, I couldn’t figure out the analysis. As I kept pushing to understand the analysis, I got stuck not being able to work out the math. It didn’t help that the math sometimes skips the actual math of it, which is nuts. Or maybe I just missed it, honestly, that seems likely. Anyway, hammering against it really did help, and I actually think I understand the whole dang thing now. And I did pretty good on the section test. Now I’m in the next parts of Hypothesis Testing, and I’m not finding it nearly as difficult. And that feels great.

I didn’t finish my html homework for CS50, but I did make some genuine progress. Right now, I need to just wrap up a few pages, clean up a little code, check my work, and call it good. I can definitely finish that this week, though I’d like to finish it like… tomorrow. That’s probably not going to happen, but I’m close. Very close. I’ve also started watching the lecture for Week 9, and am already deeply into it. I haven’t finished the first half, and it’s already answered a whole series of questions that I had from the last problem set, including some that I’ve had for years and years. I have to say, this stuff is sort of revitalizing my enthusiasm for the whole project. And that also feels great.

We’ll see if I feel the same next Monday, but that’s it for today.