I’m feeling a bit behind and also overwhelmed, and I need to check in how things are going. So let’s do that. This is not an April Fools post, by the way. I don’t think it looks like one, but it is the 1st, so just to be clear. Just a good ol’ fashioned existential crisis.
Follow-ups: My stolen car was determined not worth repairing, otherwise known as “a total lost” or just “totaled”. So I’ve agreed to a settlement for it with my insurance company. I got the advice to reject their first offer, but not only do I not know how to do that while guaranteeing a second, better offer, the first offer was frankly worth more than the car would ever be on the open market. The offer may well have been more than double what the car is actually worth, considering it has been sideswiped while stationary causing enough damage for a few weeks of repairs, then needed another couple of weeks of repairs to replace the shitty engine it had. Plus some minor cosmetics. Add in that it’s over a decade old, is a high theft-risk make and model, and a number of other problems. So I took it. It’s about $7k, which isn’t enough to just out and buy a solid replacement. The options I’m looking at are… well, actually, not bad. I do think I found a solid Corolla for like $8k, and those things last forever, so there is hope. Especially since the decent cars these days can easily last well into 200k-300k miles, I should be fine. But it’s a lot of stress and I need to wrap this situation up as soon as possible, because every day it isn’t is going to cost me money and risk worse prices. Then again, it may be that the used car market is about to collapse, and if I buy before that, I could be throwing money away. Wow, what a fun world we live in, huh?
Fitness & Health: I’m running more, which is great, but not getting as much strength training as I should. I’ve been pretty caught up in other life stuff, as evidenced by the previous and next topics, so I’m not going to beat myself up about it. But it stinks. I’d really like to get back to just getting it done. At least I seem to be getting back on track with this part of my life, so let’s take that win. I’m not sure where I am on weight. I clocked in on my scale as high as 250 lbs, but then immediately dropped to 245 lbs the next morning. I don’t know, man. I’d fall back on trends, which is the most reliable metric for my situation, but I haven’t really been keeping a consistent or regular log. I guess it’s past due to start that back up as well. Either way, as long as I keep this up and make sure to keep my intake in check, I should hit my goal of 220 lbs well before the year is up. If I get even close to that, I’ll be pretty happy.
Academics: I’m feeling the pinch of time pretty hard right now. I was looking at my progress so far, trying to work out a roadmap ahead of me, and considering options. I think this review was the gut check I needed, because it made me feel physically sick to my stomach. Maybe I’m over-correcting, but I’m feeling like I need to drop everything in my life that isn’t helping me get to this goal and just lock all the way in. Or maybe that’s exactly the correction that I need. I feel like I needed to have enrolled already and that even though I’m so skittish about my skills and ability to learn, I should have just already gotten in there and if I’m gunna fail, I should have failed already so I could get this ambition out of my system. I mean… that’s very fatalistic, but that’s the feeling I had.
Stepping back for a minute, I know things aren’t that dire. I can still do this. And I’m at the very end of this Algebra course, and doing pretty well. I need to lock in on that, finish it, do a good, solid run-up of Precalc and Calc I, and enroll in my local community college as soon as I can. And I need to talk to an advisor, sooner than later. Because at this point, I need to also lock in on the path, which is almost certainly Engineering. And that also makes me feel a little ill. It’s going to be so hard.
The thing is, a big part of my initial plan has to be abandoned. The old idea was more or less to get an IT or similar degree online for as cheap and quick as possible. That idea is probably my smartest one still, but I just can’t get motivated for it anymore. Losing my last job and reflecting on it over the past… I don’t know, year and change at this point, is it? Well however long it’s been, the only thing that makes me feel even more sick is to just take another job where my efforts are so diminished that I find it hard to even try. I worked so hard and I advanced, for sure, but it was so clear just how throwaway I was, and through my entire adult life, I’ve found myself doing so very little towards any of my own personal goals. Maybe I’d feel differently if I was being paid better. But I was really being paid just enough to keep me at the time.
I don’t know how to trust my gut on this, to be honest. At the risk of sounding like a petulant child, and perhaps I am one, but I feel stuck between programs that I’m not interested in and programs that feel too hard. The IT track would be so much easier, and I could do it so much quicker and for so much cheaper. Engineering seems like a really bad idea, though, because it’s so hard and I’m a busted middle-aged dork. I think the risk of this is really getting on top of me right now. I need to be very sure this is what I want to do, and if it is, I need to do everything that I can to make it happen. Because after investigating all of my options, it really is the closest I think I can possibly come to setting up the life that I actually want. I just wish I’d have ever had any clue along the way before this.
Moving on…: I’m feeling a bit out of sorts right now, but I’ve got a plan. For my next car, other than budget vs. initial cost, my main concern is reliability. I’d be more concerned with fuel efficiency, but my annual mileage is actually pretty low. I’m much more concerned with maintenance and repairs, though if I can get both, that’d be dope. So here are the cars I’m looking at, with the hybrid versions preferred where they exist and are affordable:
- Toyota Prius
- Toyota Corolla
- Honda Civic
- Honda Accord
- Toyota RAV4
- Honda CR-V
- Mazda3
- Mazda CX-5
The CX-5 is my top choice, but it means eating at least 6k out of pocket up front, because nobody is going to give me a loan despite my extremely good credit. And I really don’t want to eat that cost, but it does solve a bunch of other problems. If I can find a good Prius deal, that’s what I’ll probably do. But it’s tough to find one, the often referenced “Toyota Tax”, where the maker’s reputation helps cars hold value out of its previously renowned affordability. But Mazdas seem to have just as bulletproof engines, they keep their transmissions simple and don’t use turbos in these models. A Mazda3 would be cheaper, and is maybe tied with Prius, Corolla, and Civic for reliability. But a CX-5 would give me some additional practicality and some peace of mind. But I don’t know, it’s possible that none of these options are really open for me, so we’ll just have to see how things are, and hopefully I’ll get that payment real soon so I can just get it over with.
Other than that, I think my path is also pretty clear, at least in the immediate future:
- Get a hold of my dang self, for corn’s sake.
- Get the ball rolling on community college application
- Do the FAFSA application
- Investigate and get on top of all possible grants, scholarships, and loans
- Start getting a feel for low-stress, low-time commitment income options
- Clear out all things from my life that aren’t a part of my core needs.
- I guess determine what those needs are, which means this should go above the other, but I don’t feel like reordering, so you get it.
What are those needs? Should I make another list? I don’t think I have one just yet, so let’s just… School, friends/family, fitness/health, funding my stupid life. I’m not giving up on music or projects, which I see at a minimum as part of my mental health strategy, and possibly part of my overall career strat. Especially some of those projects, many of which tie directly into subjects that I’m learning or planning to learn. Maybe that’ll be next week’s topic. Anyway, I gotta get back to it.