Author: Aaron

Yesterday was MLK jr. Day, which is still a holiday in the US. I keep expecting our present shit leadership to cancel it and/or concoct a reason to replace it with their own birthdays. But it seems to have survived another day, so I guess let’s call that a victory. Have I gotten into my political leanings on this blog? Is it obvious if I haven’t? It is a personal blog, so I suppose I should at some point, but usually when I sit down to pop in my Monday check ins, I’m just not interested.

Left, in case it matters. Been pretty left for most of my life, and everything I learn and every experience I have always reaffirms that, though some do give me good reason to more deeply examine those leanings and the values that drive them. This moment in our country’s overall existence has been extraordinarily strange. But today, like most other days, I really don’t want to get into.

Let’s do the main checks, then maybe chat about something else.

Academia: I’ve tightened up my learning plan to try and finish my two lingering courses as soon as possible. I had initially planned to make it by the end of the month with room for that to spill over into February, and it is seeming more and more like February will be the target. But I do feel much better about my chances of finishing them at all. I’ve been stuck in Stats on Hypothesis Testing and finally convinced myself to do the thing that I’ve slacked off on since probably my Junior year in high school ever, which is to actually buckle down and study the thing from every possible aspect until I actually get it. You know, I generally try to avoid using extremely elder-millennial-coded blog tropes, like excessive ellipses, comedy strike-throughs, and mountains of em dashes, but I felt this was a good one, so we’re stickin’ with it. Anyway, I did the reading (and am still doing it, ’cause there’s more to go), did a bunch of practice, and even leaned on some internet stuff like youtube, google, free math lessons, and even AI. I don’t even like AI or think that it’s actually AI. But I also think that, if it weren’t torching down a lake every time you run a query, this is the sort of thing that I think these LLM and similar technologies would be perfect for. If we set things up the way I’m using it (is that a brag?), then I would actually think it’s a great idea to have them in classes. To have a personal teaching assistant for each and every student to do press with endless “why, why, why” and have it never tire or snap would, I think, be absolutely clutch.

Also, I finally settled on my homepage project for the CS50 class, I just haven’t finished executing on it. I think I’ll spend more time on that tomorrow. Maybe a bit tonight, if I can give that to myself. I’d really like to wrap it up and get started on the next problem set.

Fitness: No real changes, other than to log down that I’ve been slacking a bit on both my exercise and watching my intake. So this is sort of a note to my future self as to why I’ve been in a bit of a holding pattern this season.

Health: I’ve been feeling a bit swollen lately, which probably means I’m having a little edema episode, if that’s how I should refer to it. I don’t think this one is entirely natural, and I’d guess this is more related to my fitness update – not getting enough exercise and getting slightly too much salt. But whatever the cause, I’m going to take some of the powerful diuretics I’ve been prescribed for exactly this, which means I’ll be visiting the bathroom a lot more than I already do, which is already too much. There is more bad news, but not in my actual health, rather with health insurance. This year I’m on Medicaid, though I’m already regretting it, because my cardiologist doesn’t take the MCO I picked. I did not want to pick this MCO, which is like, the provider company, I guess. I think the one I picked is otherwise fine, but many of my preferred doctors only take one MCO, which is the one that is currently not available. Health insurance in America is a fucking joke and any asshole who defends it is either a dipshit or a fuckstick, likely both.

But that’s the end of the bad news, my health in general seems to be doing quite well. Though the fitness part is currently static, that’s frankly good compared to my past, especially since I’m lighter and fitter than I’ve been in literal years, possibly decades, heart and liver not withstanding. The good news comes from my GI following an ultrasound and some blood work. Now let’s not get it twisted, my liver is still hot garbage. It is heavily scarred, so I need to give it every chance I can and avoid all of my favorite poisons, but it is apparently otherwise working again. When I was hospitalized at the beginning of 2024, that was not the case. It was so busted and nonfunctional that they were pretty sure they’d have to replace it. So hey, that’s great news! He, the gastro doctor, also recommended stopping one of my medications, which I would love. However, I think my heart doctor wants me to keep taking it, so I’m going to need to check with… well, they don’t take my insurance anymore, so I guess maybe my GP can answer that. I don’t know, there is a lot to figure out. Extremely annoying all of this is, but at least I got some really great news. Things are getting better, slowly but surely.

This post feels a little rushed and slap-dashed, but I still think I’m going to squeeze a little more studying in tonight, so that’s just how it’s going to be. Anyway, that’s what’s up this week, keep it easy.

My Health and Fitness update today is static. No real change. I suppose I could talk about my healthcare situation, but I really don’t know what it is just yet. I’m on Medicaid, which I think might really suck, but I guess I’ll find out soon.

Academically, I haven’t had much progress either. The decision I made at the end of last month to focus almost entirely on my English Comp I. turned out to be a good choice. So this month, I’ve decided to only spend time on my Stats and Computer Science stuff and nothing else.

I think I’m over the halfway point in my Stats class, but the way it’s stacked up and paced, I’m not really sure. I’m at least halfway, which is good. Wherever I am now, the difficulty curve has definitely increased. Not so much that I don’t think I can do it, I most definitely can, and will. But I need to spend more time actually working on it. The big thing I’m doing now in that class is splitting my time between revising previous lessons while trying to get my head around the next lessons. Revising, a term I’m borrowing from British student traditions (and am not sure I’m using correctly), is basically a targeted review of lessons, trying to figure out which areas I need work on, and then focusing on them. You know, when I actually state it this cleanly, it seems like a pretty obvious thing to do. But you know, it’s not something I’ve ever really done. Pair that with another thing that I’ve known about and often skipped is doing the actual reading. Especially in Math classes, I would just skip right over the reading, expecting to understand the material from the lecture, which I likely also didn’t pay attention to. I mean, there was a time when that did work for me, and then I’d have a bunch of time to play or slack off, so you can see how I got into this pattern. It’s kinda wild how hard it is to develop this habit as an adult, but this, too, is possible.

Anyway, that’s working, but I continue to feel pretty slow at it all. It’s been about four months, maybe more, since I started this Stats class, which I’m pretty sure is longer than a traditional, in person class. I don’t know if this bit of knowledge encourages or deters me from enrolling in an in person class, but it definitely has me feeling a way.

Likewise, I’m way behind on that CS50, which I know I’ve mentioned before. Probably a couple of times, really. I think this is similar, but it took me months to even figure out that there were other materials, or to internalize lessons of process. I’m still working on process, to be honest. One of the books I’m reading now is about that exactly, trying to develop an ongoing framework for problem solving. Developing that skill makes me wonder how I ever got anything done in my life before.

So CS50 is broken up into 10 weeks. Is a semester really just 12 weeks? Fuck, man, that hits hard. Anyway, each week has a core lecture, some additional lectures or short reviews, a few practice problems, and at least one but perhaps several assignments to actually turn in. Except for the last week, which I think might just be the lecture and final project, though I’ll be sure to check before getting myself in too deep. It took me way too many weeks into this project to learn that there was so much help to go off of – I really just thought it was the lecture and the assignments. Given that this started with the programming language C and I also thought that I couldn’t find any help elsewhere, it’s no wonder that it’s been taking me so long. It wasn’t until near the end of my work on Week 6 that I learned there was even more available in the form of notes from the lectures, all of which highlight the most important parts of the lessons and some seem to actually add in more information. I keep expecting to stumble upon even more reading that I’ve missed, which would really help tie this whole thing together, but I haven’t yet.

I’m on Week 8, which is all web stuff – html, css, and javascript. I have had experience with each, but very limited. This week only had one practice problem, which I did work on but slacked a bit on. It was good practice, and if I had more time, I might enjoy luxuriating on it. But I really wanted to get moving on the actual assignments, so I didn’t linger. I moved onto the assignments, of which there are two of for this week, pretty quickly. The first was easy enough, though did also take me some time. I’ve found myself a bit stuck on the second problem, which is to create your own website. I’ve found myself stuck on this problem, not because I’m not capable of doing it or that any particular things escapes me, although there are a few elements I’ve considered including that are rather ambitious for a simple school project. Rather, I find myself mired in the ideation phase. I’ve landed on the idea of redesigning one of my actual, existing websites, possibly this one, though I’m currently leaning on fixing up cookiesandramen.com, which is extremely busted on mobile. But whichever I go with, I can’t seem to settle on a design. The good news is that this has given me quick a fair bit of practice with html and css, and I think I’m finally getting the hang of them both. The downside is that I keep landing on designs that would take way too much effort, and I haven’t put in any practice on javascript, which is required to pass. I don’t even know what I’m going to do with it, though I suppose I can do as it seems most other students do, and lean on the crutch of having javascript handle the contact page.

As an additional positive, I think I already know what my final project is going to be. Though come to think of it, I don’t know what the actual parameters of that project are… maybe I should give that a preview before I get locked in.

I should post some of my process stuff up here at some point. That’d be fun, right?

I don’t know, it’s late and I’m tired, so I’m gunna wrap it for today. Keep it real, but not too real.

I just had a steak wreck my entire day and I’m not even mad about it.

My Mom and her husband took me out to lunch at a restaurant here in town that I am really growing to like. This does have a fair bit to do with them just having foods that I can fit into my low sodium needs. This includes a prime rib, my favorite cut of steak. It only comes with a side of green beans, but given my recent health needs, that’s plenty. Oh, it does come with both au jus and a creamy horseradish sauce, which probably cuts more into my sodium limit than I should let it, but… I’ve been risking it and haven’t had any problems yet, so hey, shut up. I also got desert, a very tasty Key Lime Pie, and the combination of calories really did me in. I got basically nothing done after that. It is nearing 9 PM now and, despite skipping dinner, I still feel pretty full while writing this.

The last week turned out to be pretty busy and I haven’t really made progress towards or lost any from any of my goals. It’s not like I completely slacked off or anything, I just had other things that needed tending. So no updates on my academic, fitness, or health lives today.

I’ll dip a little into my romantic stuff, though, which has been a little weird. I updated some pictures on the various apps and got more likes in the past week than I think I’ve had in the entire time I’ve been using them. I’d be optimistic about that, but I am very suspicious of these likes. Most aren’t very nearby and those that are seem pretty out of my league. I also trimmed a lot out of my bio, because I get the impression that if women see a long bio, they don’t read it, they don’t skip it, they just swipe away immediately. I suppose that’s fair, but whatever the reason, it seems that I should respond in kind. Now I have a couple of conversations going and I don’t know what to do with them. I kinda just want to ask them out to something, but this seems like a massive gamble. The aggregate of dating advice, both in person and online, is confusing and deeply unhelpful. Some say that’s the first thing I should say – skip any hellos or empty small talk, and just go right to, “Let’s meet up at this place on that day.” I think this might not be great advice, but I plan to get myself to a place where that is exactly what I will do. Why I’m not there yet is that I don’t know where and I’ve got some concerns about the whens. Also, while I’m not struggling for money, I’ve got to make what I have stretch, and I’m still pretty near the very beginning of my journey.

So I think this is going to be a more formal project for me. Not the dating, although I suppose that as well to at least some degree. But rather, I need to start figuring out places to go and things to do. Ideally, it should be things that I’m up to anyway, so I’m getting out more even without a date. It would be good to have more non-bar oriented outings with my friends, and there are things that I want to check out. I also need to get a better handle on places that I can eat, and what I can order there. I need a good variety of chains and local joints, different cuisines, price levels, and types in general. I have no idea how many dates I’m expecting to go on. Oh, that’s not true, I know exactly how many I expect to go on – zero. But I do hope to go on at least a few, and even if I could afford it, I don’t think I’d want to take them all to this one place where I like the prime rib. Frankly, I think a coffee date might be ideal, though I guess I need to update my understanding of those rules as well. That is not a prospect that I love, but whatever, I can worry about that after I get the non-dating-specific parts figured out. Stuff to do and places to go about town and some regular places nearby. Is this going to cost me a lot? It seems like it might. I think I might need to figure out the income part sooner than later as well. Hey, how ’bout museums? Those are free, right?

I don’t know, I still can’t think straight following big lunch. I need to go lie down on the couch.

I’ve been having a bit of a moment in this last year. Things have been on the upswing in a way that I haven’t felt in many years, and to a degree that I don’t think I’ve experienced ever. I regularly talk about myself and my life pretty negatively here, and that’s likely to continue, as “sad” is my default state. But as I experience more of some of my favorite parts of life, it regularly dawns on me just what parts of my life have been and are now quite good. Taking time to detach myself from work and reengage with… well, myself is only possible because of my past work and cleverness. Not singularly, of course, every part of this has also been influenced and often made possible by the help of others, but that part hasn’t been new information for me.

Being at the end of the year does tend to make me a bit self reflective. Unlikely as it felt at the beginning of this, in that reflection, it now seems like my current stance and situation were predictable, if not inevitable. I feel good. I feel very good. I did not accomplish all of the goals that I set out for myself, but I completed an enormous amount of them. More over, the goals I didn’t accomplish, I largely made progress towards. I started goals near the end of the year that I managed to complete, and because this is a year where I have been almost entirely in charge of my choices, I have no hang-ups regarding those goals that I let fall off. I think reflecting on these is good, and I think I might spend some time over the next few weeks getting more specific on those reflections – what I set out to do, what I accomplished, what I missed, and what I learned from all of this.

I think I’ll also put together a post on my plans for 2026 and, where I can plan them, beyond that. I’ve long since lost the desire for participating in the annual tradition of “New Year’s Resolutions”, or at least the way we approach them in our modern, American culture. However, I have greatly gained a stronger connection with my capacity to desire for real change and ability to plan my way toward it. But I don’t feel like getting super into that today, so those will be future posts.

For today, I want to go ahead and log a few of those accomplishments, the ones that most immediately come to mind.

On Academia:

The plan was to start taking a few college level courses and engage myself in a variety of higher leveled projects, readings, and study. I wanted to see if I could, really, and I was quite skeptical of that. I’d been out of school and so unwilling to pursue it for so long that I’d started to feel I’d lost the part of me that could. But I need to find out, so after dragging my feet for some time, I went ahead and returned to a few of the free online courses that I’d been miandering through since somewhere in the late 2010’s. It quickly became apparent that this is something I could do and that I wanted to do, and late into things, I decided that I wanted to finish the year with at least one class, for college credit, completed. As of this past weekend, I have completed this goal.

I finished my English Comp. I course with a 90.8% – it’s a low A, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t still an A. Though I haven’t finished them, I’m currently averaging A’s in courses on Algebra, Statistics, Computer Science, and a pair of Econ intros. I took some additional, non-credit courses, which I’ve found useful and think will help set me up for the next round of learning. I think that next round will be a bunch of Science intros. I still feel a little intimidated by the idea of returning to them, but I am also feeling significantly more confident in my existing skills and ability to learn new ones.

I also read an absolute shit-ton of books this year, or at least compared to previous years. In that same framing of comparison, the breadth of subjects those books covered was massive. I read books on learning, mathematics, economics, history, anthropology, cooking, travel, fermentation, and revolution. I’ve read more fiction this year as well, also across a variety of genres. I picked back up where I’d left off on Anna Karenina, and this year, I finished it. Adding in audio books, I’ve taken down enough books that I’m actually going to have to look up my borrowing and purchasing history to put together a list. Maybe I should think about keeping track from the start in 2026.

And I’ve been writing more. A lot more. I’ve written so many posts on this stupid blog, and as silly as they have been, that it’s now actually difficult to find specific subjects in the body of work. I’m pretty proud of that. I even got back to some of my older, previously abandoned writing projects, and started some newer ones, including starting on a few fiction books of my own. Those aren’t at a place where I’m ready to share them at large, but they did get to a point where I was comfortable sharing them with some friends, and that felt pretty dope.

On Fitness and Health:

I wanted to lose weight and get fitter, but when I set out on this idea at the beginning of the year, I was pretty uncomfortable setting real goals. I felt bad about this, but I didn’t beat myself up and instead fell back on some of my strongest training. I’m not sure if I’ve talked about that before, and I know that some people in my life think that my time in the Air Force was entirely negative, but this is not true. I might even say that the majority of my time in was positive, but it makes sense they would feel this way, because the bad parts were quite bad. Some of the better lessons stuck with me, and as I began to unravel myself from my pain, I found a few of the better ones more useful in this moment than ever before. This isn’t a post about that, but I really wanted to mention just how useful it is to sometimes just lock-in, even if you don’t know quite what you’re doing. Just get started, and just keep going. That was it with fitness this year – I didn’t have all the answers, I couldn’t reconcile the typical advice and my past experiences with my current life and needs, and I really didn’t know what the long term was going to be. But walking has always worked for me, so I got my ass out and did that, and tried to remind myself to just keep doing it. And I did it.

I don’t remember what weight I started this year at. I think it may have been around or maybe even over 270 pounds. I recently weighted in at around 239. I’m a little higher than that by a pound or two right now, but I think I’ve earned floating a few pounds while I close the year out. I don’t know what the plan is for next year, but I think the next goal is going to be the next 20 pounds.

But as delighted as I am at the weight, it has been the other aspects of my fitness that have really stuck out to me. I feel so much healthier, I can’t even begin to explain it. Following my hospitalization in the beginning of 2024, I found the simple act of walking to be terribly difficult. My entire body ached, and just putting one foot on the ground sent incredible pain shooting up through me. But I hated not being able to walk. I hate when I lose my agency, and this entire event took it all away from me. It completely shattered my ego, my entire sense of self, my reason for being. Pushing myself out to just take a little walk here and there was unbelievably restorative for me.

My heart and liver will never fully recover, but they have both recovered beyond the expectations of my doctors. I think it’s possible I might just have another 40+ years left in me, and I do aim to make that goal. I have found it easier and easier to manage my new health needs and dietary restrictions. The low sodium and low fluids aspects continue to suck, but since I already cooked, it’s turned out to be pretty easy to manage, actually. I’ve even come to start enjoying some of it, viewing this as a set of ongoing projects for learning new recipes, relearning old favorites, and figuring out how I can enjoy myself out at restaurants and bars. Speaking of which, I haven’t drank any alcohol since the end of 2023 – somewhere in October, I think.

A friend pointed out how I downplay this one, which I think some people take as my shame for my past behavior. I don’t know, I suppose there is probably some truth in there, but I talk about it without much regard otherwise. I think the biggest thing is that I don’t feel like I’ve earned it. I’m not struggling with a need or even want to drink. The other day while at a friends house, they were pouring some interesting gin and offered me a sniff, as thing I’ve mentioned still be fascinated with. But in this sniff, I could tell that the gin was high quality, interesting, and even that I think I would very much have enjoyed it in the past, but I could just not imagine myself ever drinking it again. It smelled so harsh, so much like nail polish, I almost gagged at the thought. I know so many people who struggle with addiction, and this has clearly been one of mine, but I don’t feel the way it would stalk my every moment like it used to. It’s just a thing I don’t do anymore.

I do still smoke pot, though. So you know, it is what it is. Though that was never something I did obsessively, and I find that even this indulgence has largely lessened. I like much more keeping my wits about me, when and wherever I can. I feel less and less the need to evade my mounting sorrows.

On my Social Life:

It feels weird to admit that I’ve been thinking of my social life as another project. But I have been, and I think it’s been quite helpful. My friends have been incredibly helpful in this part of my journey, and my progress in it as been incredibly helpful in the rest of my life. It has been wonderful to reconnect with my closest friends. We have had some great experiences together, watching movies, playing games, making music, and more. They’ve helped me rediscover the better parts of me and they’ve played their own part in helping me carry the burdens of my (semi) sobriety, dietary needs, social awkwardness, fitness and educational goals, and even my mental and emotional states. All of this has reminded me of important things about myself, like how my desire to help others is not a deflection from my own pains, it really is me. But that’s another subject for another time. In fact, I think I could go on for pages and pages about how important my friendships are to me, and I think I will, but not today.

Today I’m going to wrap it up here, and I’m planning to be a bit busy with some of those educational goals for the next few weeks. However, if I can weave them in, I’ll continue this reflection.

OH! I almost forgot a big one. I can’t claim basically any of this except in my very small circles, and I really don’t think it’s so much me as much as the situation. But everywhere I look, more and more people are becoming more and more progressive. I’ve been hearing friends say things I used to say years ago, and saying them in a way that it’s clear they aren’t just spouting slogans. They understand these things and they mean it, really mean it. And it’s clear this is happening all over America. And that fucking rules.

I’m going to try to be quick on this one… let’s see how I do.

Fitness: Okay, here’s the big one – I made it below 240 pounds. Today’s weigh-in was 239.6. I’m like a week-and-change out from the end of the year, and I’ll probably rubber-band back up over 240 here and there, but fuck it, I’m counting this shit.

Academia: I’ve been working on that last essay for my English Comp. I class and it’s going well, but I think I need to put it on hold for a smidge. You see, I’m pretty close to finishing that CS50 class as well, but not so close that I can just waltz into the finish line by the end of the year. Actually, I’m not sure I could finish it even if I completely redirected my focus there, and I’m not sure if I need to. All of these classes are self-paced, but there is some language on Harvard’s website that this one might get weird with the turn of the new year. So I should really figure that out.

Health(kinda): I’ve been putting off finalizing my 2026 health insurance, and I really need to clamp that shit down on the super soon. With my current health, I do not have the option of not getting my mountain of pills, and the wrong plan could make that extremely expensive. My last plan also dropped almost all of my best medical support, so I’m hoping I can find a plan that not only covers my meds, but also brings back my good docs.

The recent dating app stuff did not turn out. I don’t know, I guess a few conversations are still ongoing, but I’m not holdin’ out hope. Given how many of my recent matches have clearly been scams, I just don’t see this as a viable options anymore. In a strange turn of events, this has actually put me in a pretty good mood. Maybe it was something else, I don’t know, but things do seem more correct like this and some of the scams were also kinda funny. I’ve known the apps had become trash for some time now. I think I’ll ride them out for the next week or so and cancel them all in the new year. At the very least, that should free up some much needed mind space.

I did have another thing I wanted to mention, but for the life of me, I can’t remember what. Well whatever, I did want to keep this short. So here it is, possibly more later this week. Either way, Merry Christmas for those who celebrate, and I hope you get the day off even if you don’t.

I’m going to check in quickly today. It’s about 9 PM on Tuesday and I am feeling a bit pressed for time.

Okay, on health and academics, I don’t have any big news. I seem to be stable for the time being in my fitness, and frankly, that’s great. No complaints. Academically, I’ve started my final essay for my English Comp and I’m about to finish Week 7 (of 10) in my Computer Science class. I’ve put the other classes on the back burner for now, because I just want to finish something before the end of the year, and I think focusing down will help.

I’ve been texting with a woman I met on Bumble for a little over a week. I’m not sure what to make of this. More often than not, I feel like we’re on the same page. I also find myself sometimes sharing things I generally don’t with people. But I also don’t always feel like I’m acting like myself. No, that’s not true, I am sharing a real part of me, but I feel like the most common parts of me aren’t being shared. Like, I’m not letting any of my silliness through. I’m not talking her ear off about whatever book I’m reading or Star Trek episode I just watched. I’m not making off color jokes or allusions to my various cultural touchstones like I usually do.

The other thing is that we haven’t met in person, and it doesn’t seem like we will. I don’t mean to be mean, but the state of online dating right now is just terrible, so I can’t help but feel suspicious that she is actually a bot or scammer. In the past week, I’ve had at least half a dozen run ins with exactly that, one of which asked me to send her something like $200 for a snowblower. I gotta hand it to whomever that was, at least this one was creative.

I recognize that I have been pretty down on myself in this arena lately, but in person, I rarely encounter any women that actually show interest in me. I’m pretty sure this is part of why I made an ass of myself to a friend not long ago. She – the friend that I kinda know and wish I was a better friend to – has always been very kind and understanding to me, and talking with her is really great. It’s only ever bad when I make things awkward with my insecurities or my out of practice conversational skills. I’m so starved for a woman’s romantic attention that her mere hint of friendliness read to me as something more. I saw what I wanted to see, and what I saw was something that was never there. It makes me worry that my assumption of her being open to a friendship are also not true, I’m just projecting that want of mine onto her and she is responding in a way that keeps her safe. Because, as it turns out, I am somewhat scary, which is another thing I really don’t like about myself. But this little pity-party wasn’t the point of today’s exploration, so let’s get back to that.

So now this very attractive, well put-together, smart, and worldly woman is interested in me? That seems unlikely. We met online and she’s not available to meet up in person. It seems like I’m just gullible, and this is some kind of con. But what that con is, for the life of me, I can’t figure. Would you really talk for this long if it’s a con? She’d have asked me for money by now, right? But instead, she’s made it clear that she is financially stable and doesn’t need money. So is she an AI learning bot? It might explain how she’s so often on the same page as me, just reading the obvious signs of my situation and reflecting it back at me. But there have been too many signs to the contrary. What’s the angle here?

So I don’t know. I’m very skeptical, and I don’t think this is likely to work out even if she is real and who she says she is. But you know, if this is a real woman, I don’t want to be shitty to her. I’ve been plenty shitty enough in this world. I suppose I should start trying to let some more of my personality through, though there also hasn’t been a lot of opportunity for it. Every way I think about this feels some kinda bad. If she’s real, I’m not really giving her my most authentic self. But I also feel like if I do give my most authentic self, she won’t be interested. But by giving her just a portion of the real me, if she’s interested in that version of me, she’ll be extremely disappointed in the fullness of my me-ness when she meets him… me. But if I give her my real self and this turns out to be the likely scam or whatever it is… Wow, this paragraph sucks.

And how am I so bad at talking about this? God, I really don’t want to read a relationship book. But maybe I should. But which, because every one I’ve come across looks like it sucks pure shit.

I hate dating so much. I sometimes wonder if my last good relationship was actually good or if I just hate having to go through the early parts so deeply that my memory is clouded by making it through the garbage. Like, I remember it better than it actually was, simply because I got to the part that I think I’ve gotten pretty OK at. Not good, mind you, but much better than I used to be, and I’d also wager better than the population mean of men. Sorry, I’ve been reading a lot of Statistics stuff.

I mean, we did break up for a reason. And that reason was me.

Sometimes in romance I feel like I’m a petulant child. Like I’m always just expecting much more from the woman sharing the relationship with me than I’ll ever be able to return to her. How did I get so bad at just being a person?

I gotta figure out the baseline social part. I’ve been thinking about this more and more, and have been expecting I could keep putting it off for a while. I just have too many things to work on, and in trying to prioritize, I figured that this is the last thing I need. But my dawgs, I am a yearnin’, and that ain’t helping me work on my other goals at all. So maybe I need to find a few places I can hang whenever I’m feeling up for, I guess, practicing being a person. That’s not my favorite way of putting it. But I don’t drink anymore, my dining options are limited, and I’m not very into shopping. In suburban America, that’s pretty much it. I guess I need to go back to the library or start hanging out at book stores or cafes. How do you hang out at a cafe? It seems rude, and being rude is another thing I’ve already done too much of.

Alright, I have to cut myself off here or else I’ll be up all night spiraling and editing and spiraling some more. Also, I have a headache, which I think is because I’ve had too much salt in the past week. Either way, I’m sure isn’t helping my mood. Here’s to hoping I’m less of a grouch for the remainder of this season.

I got a bit caught-up in my studies the past few days, and just did not get around to checking in. But I have some stuff I do want to mention, so let’s go ahead and do that.

Okay, I am finally in the last part of Anna Karenina, and the penultimate part ended astonishingly. Not wanting to spoil anything and also not being entirely sure what just happened, I’ll skip over that. Just know, I am definitely finishing this book this year. At this point, I don’t care how it ends, it’s already been amazing. The exploration of human experience, the depth of feeling, the economy of writing, they’re all just so wonderful. I am truly blown away by the author’s understanding of people and skill in describing them. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to write like that, but I will be holding Tolstoy as an example. A dragon worthy of chasing.

So all of my writing outside of my immediate academic needs is on hold until I can clear these first few credits. After that, I think I’ll be keeping my Sci-Fi story on hold, at least to some degree, while I do some writing practice. I’ve had an idea to write a shorter story in a fantasy world, and I’m thinking maybe modern fantasy or anachronistic, like the mix-ups of eras and technologies in Final Fantasy games or steampunk. But not steampunk. I haven’t really worked out the aesthetic, but in this case, i think that might be a little less important. I don’t know, we’ll see when I actually start writing it.

That leads me to another project that I’m interested in. I have a bunch of projects that I want to do, and this has been a problem in my past. I’d have so many on the docket, and such a huge proportion of those requiring skills that I simply don’t have, that I’d end up not only unable to finish projects, often I’d end up with a bunch of projects that I’ve barely even started. I have a few projects on my bench right now, which I don’t feel so bad about. They use skills I mostly already have and just need refreshing on. They also aren’t super timely, although some of the skills that will be needed align with some of the learning I’m trying to do. I don’t need to be coy – it’s music gear stuff. I used to do some amateur instrument and gear making. To get back into the swing of that, I picked up some kits a while back. Longer back than I care to admit, to be honest, which is part of why I’m anxious to get started. But shortly after I put them on my bench, I realized that, while I’d love the distraction, I really need to stay focused for the time being. And there will be time for me to do them, even when continuing the education load, in the not too distant future. So that’s fine.

But the other projects, the ones that will take more work, more learning, and have many unknowns, those are more complicated. What I’d like to do is to line my prospective projects up in an order that logically stacks. That’s was loosely the idea with these kits, to be honest. Some will take some woodworking, some others will take some electronics work, and they all take some project management. The woodworking is, at least as of now, just a hobby, but I think I’m going to need to continue studying electronics, and I’ll definitely need to practice my soldering. Those skills, and especially the project management practice, should serve me well in both hobbies and career. Really, I’d love to pair projects up with all of my learning, if I can. The writing fits in perfectly, though I suppose that came about more organically.

So I picked up a cheapish robot car and I think a friend of mine might have talked me into trying to make a visual novel.

The robot car has been a regular recommendation from a bunch of directions. Some version of engineering is making more and more sense to me, though I do continue to fear some of the math. But I hit a rough patch in my Stats class, and I seem to have overcome it. And that’s a great boost to my moral, so maybe it’ll be alright. The robot car rolls a whole bunch of skills and disciplines together to pull it off, and I’m really excited about that. I’ll get to practice more of that soldering, which I’m way into. It will also require me to be more care with my overall wiring, my cable management. It will also give me more practice with programming, and that’s what’s up with the visual novel. I had mentioned that I want to make a game, a small one, nothing special. And my friend told me that, with the right game engine, I can basically make one with the skills that I have right now. That was exciting enough news that I almost got started that weekend. But after a little bit of thought, it seemed a little too foolish even for me.

So I think that as an end of year project, I’m going to try and get a handle on the projects that I want to do next year, and try to line some of them up in an order that would be useful.

I’m going to give an abbreviated check-in on health, fitness, and academics this week.

Fitness first – I got in a few more runs, and they’ve been pretty good. But I have become far more sensitive to cold weather in the past few years, and it has felt so fucking cold out. I’m going to need to upgrade my winter workout gear.

Health is up next – I got back blood work and ultrasound results, though it’ll be in January when I have a full follow-up. From what I understand of the results, things seem to be going well, but I should also stop holding out hope for any miraculous recovery of either my liver or heart. Not that I’m really holding out hope for either, really, but you know. It would be nice.

Finally on Academics – I turned in that third essay for my English Comp. class and got another good grade. I think it works out to a mid-A. 230-something out of 240-ish. With the perfect score on the second essay and the first essay being, as it turns out, an F, that brings my overall score up to a solid B. So I probably won’t finish this class with an overall A, but that’s fine. I wasn’t sure I could even do it, and I still haven’t. So the real focus is still to just try and finish it before the end of the year. And I haven’t picked a topic yet, so… tic-toc. I mentioned the Stats class before, and that’s going well if a little slower than I’d like. Same with the Computer Science intro, though since getting to modern languages, things have definitely become easier. Python is a real dream compared to C. You know what? Fuck C, actually. If you are still programming in C in 2025, you deserve a medal. Fuck C. Oh, and I’m on SQL now, which is gratifying. I think after this class, I’m going to line up more in depth classes for both Python and SQL, as I’m pretty sure I’ll need both in where ever my career ends up taking me.

Alright, I’ve got some reading to do, and also I need to piss. And I think I’m getting a cold, that’s not fun.

I think I promised to give an update this week on a few things that were supposed to happen last week, but I didn’t take notes and I really can’t be bothered to reread last week’s entry. But I’ll try and check-in what I can by memory.

So last weeks’ plan to get together with friends for a gaming marathon weekend didn’t happen, and I’m a little glad about it. Not that I wouldn’t have wanted to see and hang with them, that would have been great, but my schedule just kept filling up with more and more shit every day. I do plan to try and schedule a few get togethers with friends this month. We have had a regular movie night that we’ve neglected, and I want to get in at least one more. I also really want to get in a pen-and-paper RPG session, and then there’s the aforementioned gaming session, which is more video and board games. They also don’t have the exact same rosters of friends. The week was a little strange in the moment, and a little stranger now that I can reflect on it, though maybe from a different angle.

You know, a few years ago, I think I would have just not. I think I would have just come up with reasons to skip a bunch of the invites and obligations, and just stayed home where I could be away from everyone. So much of me does just want to be alone. I have felt this way for a long time, and I still feel it every day. Sometimes I can hear myself turning something down before I even consider whether it could be something I might enjoy. But I had momentum, and lately, I have been finding that momentum carries me through. And when I do go through, usually I find myself on the other side happy that I did.

I think I should have noticed that earlier in life. A lack of momentum almost prevented my high school graduation. When I was in the service, it was momentum that kept me going through some of the most desperate of challenges. In my last job, it was when I lost momentum and got bogged down in bullshit that I found it hard to be my best, and anytime I escaped the mire, it was momentum that kept me from dipping back in. And now I’m sick of writing the word “momentum”, and I suspect you are just so of reading it.

I caught a ride with my brother and his family up to see my Dad and his family up in PA for Thanksgiving. After decades of resistance, Dad finally took direction from my brother to adjust his dishes for people’s dietary needs. He wasn’t perfect, and there were still dishes that my sister-in-law couldn’t eat, although at least one of them can’t actually be made another way. I mean, it’s pecan pie. The first ingredient is sugar. Ain’t no other way to make it, far as I know. But that doesn’t mean he couldn’t make a different desert. Thing is, I can also see the other side of this. I’m going to forgo my thoughts on nostalgia today, but even from a practical aspect, it is both completely fair to expect a dish that you can eat at an event you’ve been invited to, and also completely fair of the host to not have that when they are already making so many dishes. I think this might be one of the places where people in my position need to step up and bridge the gap. If I can remember, I may send him a desert recipe that her gut may find more friendly. In fact… I just gave myself a note to look into it. Hopefully I’ll find that when I’m in the right mood for exactly that kind of project. The rest of the night was pretty good, too. I forced myself to be more active in conversation, including engaging others in their own interests.

A thing I keep noticing in people, and I’m sure I do this as well, is that they’ll just get stuck on a thing. I don’t mean how I turn every conversation into something about Star Trek, no. That’s a completely separate annoyance, and one I’m not prepared to explore today. Rather, it’s how we’ll get on a subject and even when people are agreeing with each other, they’ll have some particular point that they want to make and will keep trying to make it if they perceive that the point has been missed. I’ll also see people return to points when it was unambiguously received, even when received well, which I think is more about a feeling of confidence when filling conversational dead space with more words.

I can really relate to this instinct, but I don’t think it’s a good one. I think we come off as needlessly argumentative and maybe even a little dim when we circle this drain. There’s a trick in active conversation I think I’m coming to find, about engaging in other people interests, that I find particularly helpful here. You can really derail a runaway conversation by grabbing hold of someone’s attention with something they care about way more. I think in the wrong hands, this can be a really shitty tool of manipulation, and to be clear, I also think it is manipulative when used well. But we’re all manipulating ourselves and one another all the time anyway, perhaps we should be more aware of our actions and their results, and try to treat each other better by guiding conversations to places we know our loved ones will shine.

Or maybe that’s all a bunch of hooey, I don’t know.

The day after Thanksgiving, which is definitionally a Friday, was marked with a Friendsgiving. I think it received a few more loathsome monikers, like “Boyzgiving”, “Hugsgiving”, and my favorite “Boiz-2-Giving”. I don’t even get the joke on that one, but it does tickle my ribs. It was a great time. I got to hang with most of my closest friends, share some of my cooking, and stuff my fat face on some of theirs. I did end up making that French Onion Soup. I did not find out if the woman I wanted to impress liked it, but I did hear some good reviews from other friends.

I do think that woman is happy with our friendship, which I am grateful for. However, I did spill that I am romantically interested in her, and she was clear that the feeling is not mutual, and I feel like a real ass about that. I think I knew it was the case going in, and yet I still felt compelled to share it anyway. And now I’m worried that I’ve made her feel uncomfortable, and I’m not sure where to go with that information. If it did, then I think I should really just leave her alone. That would be a real bummer, though, because I was quite genuine in my pursuit of her friendship. Not knowing makes things difficult, because if I didn’t alienate myself from her, then this is actually great – it’s taken an unnecessary concern off of my chest, and I can just treat her like the friend she should be, like I thought I had been treating her before hearing some offhand comments (that I don’t think I was meant to hear) to the contrary. Going by previous history, I probably won’t see her again for a few months. Unless I do reach out, but if I do reach out, and it was uncomfortable for her… I am really not in the right headspace for this line of thought. I think I need to keep myself real busy for a while.

Saturday was meant to be a “free day”, but it became another family dinner. It was my brother’s team again, but instead of my Dad’s branch, it was my Mom and her husband. They decided to split dinner, so I ate for free, which was nice. My niece brought her boyfriend, conversations were mostly good, and I think I gave some solid book recommendations. Well, here’s to hoping they at least weren’t bad.

I was worried that Sunday’s band practice would be awkward, given that I made a pass at the bass player’s sister. He’d be well in rights to whip my ass, frankly, but nobody seemed bothered. I’m really hoping this whole incident can be treated as though it never happened, and I can go back to being my normal, hopelessly single, miserable self. Anyway, the practice was pretty good. Good, hearty laughs, and some strong performances. The week before, we all felt really off. But this week, I felt like we all leveled up a bit.

I have so much more to catch up on, but this has already been far too long a post. Maybe that should be my angle to try and post more – smaller posts. Well, I’m not starting that today, in fact I want to check in just a smidge more before I close out.

Academics – I finally revised that third essay enough to feel comfortable with turning it in. I kept wanting to just turn in a draft that I knew wasn’t great so I could get the actual teacher’s feedback, but something told me to that the pattern of small adjustments off of regularly updated feedback from tutors would make for a good process. I think the essay is pretty good, and I’m eager to find out if my grade agrees. As long as the grade isn’t total dogshit, I think I am going to take this as a good sign for this process. Now if I can just speed the dang thing up.

I have, however, neglected much of my other studies. So while I do want to spend time this week on any cleanup on that third essay, and/or hopefully get a strong start on the fourth and final, I really don’t want to spend the lion’s share of my time there. I need to spend time making progress on my Stats and Computer Science classes if I want any chance of finishing them this year. It’s already December! Fuck me! When did you get here?

Fitness – I got in exercise the last couple of busy and weird weeks. It was more than I expected to get, but less than I would have wanted. I forced myself to get back on it today, and I’m glad that I did. I’m gong to do a little calorie tally to make sure I’m good for the day, and if I’m where I think I am… I think I might use up some extra calories with a little treat. When I have a free afternoon, I would like to spend some time adjusting my diet, though. I am feeling more of a need to do something like gym bros do, that ol’ hitting macros thing. But I think my macros might be a little different from theirs. They’re always trying to max out their protein, and protein is a concern of mine, too. But my concerns are much more about my longevity than how jacked I can look. Not that I wouldn’t want to look jacked, in fact, I don’t mean that as a dig at the gym bros. I wold also like a six-pack. Well, with my weird body, I guess it would be more like a sevenish-pack. I don’t know, I haven’t seen my abs in a long time, and I can’t remember quite how they actually look. But the number of scars didn’t decrease, so… I think I’ve got a pretty good idea how that’s going to turn out.

Anyway, I didn’t loose significant weight, but I also didn’t gain any. So we’re gunna call that one a win. If I can make even a smidge of progress between today and Christmas, then I’ll hit my last goal of the year to get under 240. I’m not going to beat myself up if I don’t make it, but I will be so fucking jazzed if I do. So let’s try.

Trying has been the name of the game this year, and it’s mostly been working out. Well, maybe one thing to try in the future is to not be so incredibly thirsty. It’s hard not to be when you’re in the desert, but I suppose finding an oasis is another thing I should try a little harder at. This metaphor sucks, and I want to play a video game before it gets too late. And grab some of that low-cal ice cream. So that’s it for today, now kindly fuck off and have a lovely night.

The last week included moments of productivity, some catch up on reading, and setting up (but not actually starting) a few projects. Those projects are future stuff, so I’ll hold off on talking about for now. Today, let’s check a few other things in.

In the health and fitness zone, I’m still in the turn-over phase of my new routine, and I haven’t really had time to give it the full run-through. So other than being very sore, there really hasn’t been sufficient time or use to judge the change-up. Given the season, it may be a while before there is, and that’s fine. I’m still quite happy with my progress thus far. What is on my mind, though, is recovery time. I think it may be a subject of conversation this week. I mean, I know I’m older and recovery takes longer as you age, but goddamn. Is it just age, or is my recovery time taking longer because of my compounding health issues? How long is this taking my friends and otherwise contemporary’s?

Also I finally got around to fulfilling my orders for blood work and an abdominal ultrasound for my GI. The GI’s office got back to me very quickly, which was pretty dope. Everything seems good, though no miraculous liver recoveries. So boo to that, but it’s not like it was expected anyway. Unexpected, it turns out I am extremely B12 deficient. The PA who called me about the results did explain, but it’s all doctor speak, so I don’t… I’ll see about looking it up when I get a chance. Will I, though? Anytime I look up any medical issue, the results are always either it’s completely fine and I shouldn’t worry or I’m definitely going to die tomorrow. What I do remember is the PA said it wasn’t super urgent, but she did consider it a big enough problem that I should get in touch with my primary care for injections, because she thought that the normal route of supplements wouldn’t be enough. And that I should get on that soon. So… that’s not promising.

This is Thanksgiving Week. If I can find time, I’ll use it to wrap up some of those half-written posts that I’ve been sitting on. I do really want to talk about my current state of romantic feelings and pursuits, but that has turned out to be much harder for me to express than I had previously thought. Not that anything has happened, it’s more about just how lost and mired I feel, and also confused about a few interactions that I had thought were friendly and others seem to think were more. Writing that just now made something click, so maybe I’ll have an easier angle to get into it.

So far planned for this week, I have a trip up to PA with my brother and his family for Thanksgiving dinner at my Dad’s on Thursday. Shoot, that’s tomorrow, I guess I better make sure I’ve got my shit together. Friday will be Friendsgiving at Manny’s, which I am very much looking forward to. There are loose plans for the rest of the weekend to gather with a few friends and play some video games. I’m not sure that last one is going to happen, it was a very loose idea and involves friends that are alternatively chronically busy and chronically forgetful, not that I’m one to talk. But it would be quite nice if we did so.

Friendsgiving is with my closest friends. It’s always great to spend time with them, but I believe this will be the first year we’ve done this sort of thing. I’m hoping it will become a tradition, and I’m also scheming a similar summer get together. Ours isn’t the type community to have festivals or celebrate seasons, but I like the excuse to get together and overeat with my friends, so… I don’t know, I dig the idea.

Anyway, I’m hoping to see some folks I don’t see often. It’s also an event to bring a dish, which I’m usually super into, but I have a little trepidation about this time. At the behest of one of those closest of friends, an impromptu get together was formed yesterday. It was just a sort of “happy hour” type of thing, which I have shied away from in the past, even when I did drink. But I’ve come to really trust them, and true to that trust, they were helpful in keeping others from antagonizing me over my (semi) sobriety. This hang was comprised of a small subset of those expected in attendance of the Friendsgiving, and around the end of the night, or at least when I was on my way out, much hay was made in giving the event increasingly cringe-worthy names. This is a game that I very much enjoy, especially at how one half of the group love the activity and the other half of the group despises it. Well I wasn’t sure what I’d bring as a dish, thinking I might go with a standard Midwestern holiday or banquette dish, but it seems that noone is sticking to that kind of fare. Now, I love holiday foods, but life events have soured some of the experience, and I think I’d rather prefer the change up given the proximity anyway. One friend is apparently making chili, and I love chili, so I’m super fucking into that idea.

Over the past year, I have been either picking up new recipes or reworking old ones to fit my new needs, but very few of them would really work for a crowd. Hell, very few of them are more than a single serving. Well, a single Aaron-sized serving. Also, most wouldn’t travel and would be a real hassle to try and do on the spot in someone else’s kitchen, which isn’t to knock Manny’s kitchen. He has a very nice kitchen. But you know, it’s not mine. One dish I have figured out that would fit a crowd is French Onion Soup, and so I have made that. Entirely from scratch, perfectly caramelized onions, a mix of broths, herbs, settle spices and seasonings. I’ve even got some baguette croutons, which I sorta half made. I didn’t make the baguettes, I just cut and toasted ’em. So like… maybe a quarter made. Anyway, hopefully others like it. It’s been a long time since I’ve shared my cooking with anyone.

And I would like to share it with people. I’d like to get some feedback from others on whether my cooking has become bland or overdone or, I don’t know, anything. Also, cooking was one of the ways I could impress in previous romantic pursuits, and if I’ve lost that, man… I don’t have a prayer. Is that how that saying goes? Seems about right. Anyway, it’s also a risk. Not so much with my closest friends. If they don’t like it and talk shit, that’s fine. I’d expect nothing less – give me the honest feedback. Especially after years of me talking my cooking up so much? Yeah, I’d deserve it. But there will be others there that aren’t close friends, some I am hoping to become closer with, and others that I really don’t know what to think of. I do think my current state makes me better poised to handle however people take my cooking, and I suppose even if it is bad, it will still be a good topic of discussion. And there is one woman in particular that I’m hoping will be there, because I do always enjoy our discussions. I do also worry about those discussions in that I think I may be a nuisance to her, and I don’t want to be. I’d worry that my ego couldn’t take it, the knock on my cooking or the affirmation that I am a nuisance. But then, what ego is left to be bruised anyway? Oh, I gotta remember to dig up my torch. For the Gruyere.

I am approaching the final part of Anna Karenina and I’m totally losing my shit. This book is incredible. I just finished a chapter in which the titular character went round and round in her head suffering the assumed motives of her lover while trying to ignore the counter-wounds left by her husband from whom a divorce he refuses to grant, which plagues her so. She is a deeply flawed person and her situation is entirely alien to me, and yet I can’t help but to sympathize. I would give nearly anything to be able to write like this. I think this might be what my silly little sci-fi story needs, for me to take some of my actual, lived experiences and feelings, and put them on the page through and in the context of my strange, futuristic scenarios and characters. One thing is for sure, it no longer feels entirely self indulgent to have fragments of myself written into each character. So I think I will do exactly that.

Anyway, that’s enough for now. If I can remember, I’ll fill in the outcomes of any lingering questions that have found answers in the next check-in. Did I ever come up with a parting salutation for this thing?

I’m kind of glad that I’m keeping myself a little too busy to focus on what’s happening in the news right now. I mean, I’m still following it well enough, and wow, shit is nuts. Shit has been nuts since… well, always, but even grading on the curve of “modern politics”, like, is there anyone left who still thinks that this whole thing is actually working?

I don’t want to get into it tonight, but I just want to plant a thought here, what I hope will happen and what I worry will happen. I don’t have a prediction, I really can’t see where things are going. What I want to happen is for this and all the other stuff culminating in the end of another batshit era is that people finally wake up. You know, how the term “woke” was originally intended. Our collective nightmare was not our doing, but its perpetuation is. We don’t have to live this way. We don’t have to generate all of the value, toil our lives away, just to line the pockets of the rich. We don’t have to constantly feed a loop that not only makes them richer but also, even when it appears that we’ve made gains, only serves to further separate us from them, and by so doing make us truly poorer even when nominally or even relatively better off. Enough of us could finally see that we’ve been fed a steady diet of lies that just served to create a new aristocracy, that party lines don’t really matter, and even the most hot button issues, though they do absolutely matter, aren’t the real issues. We’ll wrangle in the rich and powerful, shut down the system that allows the evil to become so powerful, and finally start living for ourselves and each other in our best, most nurturing ways. We can do this, we already have all of the building blocks and are more than capable of providing all of the necessary resources. We just need the will.

But I worry that is not what is going to happen. I worry that things are just going to get worse. We may have a brief reprieve, though I doubt it, where an FDR type leader will recognize the pressure is too high and instead of having the courage to usher in a new era of equity, prosperity, and kindness, they open the valve just enough to quiet the majority back down. We won’t have a golden age, but it could be covered in gold leaf. Or, like so many tacky decorations new to the White House, gold spray paint. We need this change, even if things weren’t so crazy right now. The crazy is just the piss icing on the shit cake that has always been, and the only way that we can move forward without eating shit is to make a new cake. If that seems extreme, perhaps it is, but many, including reliable experts, believe that even throwing out the cake isn’t enough. Maybe I’m just too naive, but I don’t think we need to throw out the plate. I think the plate needs to be cleaned, but we can use it again. I’m hoping the water in the sink is potable, but this metaphor is well past its expiration, so I’ll dispense with it for now.

My real worry is that it will be much worse. The people too riled up, especially on the Right, are just too hopped up on that malice, and they might not be able to come down. I refuse to equivocate about the Left like so many others do – one side wants literally everyone but themselves imprisoned or dead, and this simply is not true of the other. I’m pretty lefty myself, and I can tell you that the majority of those that are, including (especially, really) people further to the left from me believe very strongly in the power of Restorative Justice, which isn’t interested in capital punishment or the over-packed carceral system. But that’s not the side that will come about, because the Centerist is always waiting for the next fear to be just enough to convert them into the Fascist who’s been living in their hearts all along. But I’ve already gotten way more into things than I wanted, so let’s leave things here for today.

Let’s check in where I’m at, which is what this was meant to be. Okay, I didn’t get in as much exercise or studying as I wanted to last week. I did get in enough of each to maintain momentum, so it’s all good. Between the gas leak, the cold, getting busy with chores and tasks, and just not entirely being able to concentrate, I was really in danger of getting behind. So I’m taking it as a win that I didn’t. I spent some of that time that I couldn’t concentrate on what I wanted to on other productive things, including working out a more concrete plan and schedule. I need to do something similar this week in regards to health insurance enrollment and school plans. In fact, I need to start dedicating a portion of every week to school plans until I’ve got that all worked out and nailed down. I should get something down on paper so I can get an idea of what needs doing, now that I’m thinking about it.

The gas is back on, which means I once again have heat, a working stove, and hot water. In case you missed it, check out last Monday’s post.

I worried about my neighbors, some of which had kids and had nowhere else to go while the gas was out. I’ve had it in the back of my head what I might be able to do for them in the future, but outside of spending money that I don’t have, I can’t think of much. The power was still on, so most of us that stayed in the building just got a space heater or two and used our alternate cooking methods – microwave, slow cooker, air fryer, that sort of stuff. I didn’t ask anyone how they were handling showers, but I was bathing in the sink. I hadn’t done that since my mid-twenties, and let me tell ya’, it sucked just as much now as it did back then. I’m a single weirdo veteran, so all of this was, you know, fine. But pretty shit for everyone else, and that really doesn’t sit right with me.

Anyway, before that gets me all up in my treehugging feelings, let’s get back to my check-in of my me. When the hot water was back to full capacity, I indulged in a truly glorious shower. With the stove working again, I also celebrated with a nice steak. Ribeye, just an 8 ouncer, but a very nice and well marbled cut. I carefully rationed out my days’ salt to be able to season it pretty well (relatively speaking), along with sauteed lacinato kale, roasted green beans, and even a massive potato. Oh, what’s that, did someone also make a wonderful mushroom pan sauce from the fond and drippings? How about a delightful horseradish cream sauce? You bet your sweet ass I did. And I somehow managed to keep momentum on my weight loss. How rad is that?

We are coming upon the holidays, and while I’m not planning to pig out, I’m also not planning to hold myself back too much during them. I’ve had some wins this year, which has been nice, but I could also use a couple rewards and breaks as well. At this point, I’ll be happy if I finish the year still around my current weight, but I think there is a very strong chance that I’ll hit my goal of getting below 240 lbs, and I’d like that very much. I feel like I met my initial running goal well enough for now, so we’re going to count it. I can’t believe just how much I’m feeling the cold on my walks these days, so I think the expectations of my running progress need to go on hold until things warm up again. Fitness goals aside, the rest of the year is focused on finished those early credits, spending time with friends and family, and wrapping up any outstanding items lingering on my “TODO” list.

End note: the “Bubba” thing can’t be real, right? Yeah, but we can dream. You can’t stop us from dreamin’.