Aaron's Notes

I’m wearing facial hair that is far too trendy for me, and I don’t like it. But it’s growing on me. This is going to end up being a long one, it’s a real thought dump, but it’s just a check in. I’m saying nothing of note, so don’t dwell or feel obligated.

Follow-ups: My niece’s high school graduation happened, and from my perspective, it was very nice. My brother gave the impression that he and my sister-in-law are not happy with the school, though I haven’t followed up on that. I know some of the struggles regarding it, and I’d be pretty pissed, too. It’s not my place to say anything here, and it’s barely my business anyway. I’m more interested in my place as providing some manner of support, even if it’s just lending an ear. As far as I’m concerned, my niece graduated from a prestigious high school and got into a prestigious college, so they did their job and did it well. Take the ‘W’. I’ll tell them that next time we chat. Also, I was right about the sport coat, but panicked in the moment that I’d be overdressed so didn’t. I should have stuck with the coat.

The rest of my social situations that were lined up for last week shook out pretty well. The guitar get together went great. We didn’t actually end up playing that much, and I’m sorry to say that it did turn into a bit of a remedial class for me, as I had feared, but he didn’t seem to mind. Some of it was chatting about shared musical influences, hearing him out on some of his musical philosophies, and more or less trying to get a vibe for the learning grove he’s found. Provided this wasn’t a total drag for him, and I hope it wasn’t, I suspect we’ll get together more, and next time we’ll actually play. I also think he’s going to join the drummer and I for practice this upcoming Sunday, which would be great. The bassist is out of town, so one of us guitarists can fill in. I do play a little bass, but I think he might use a pitch-shifter on his guitar, which would give me a chance to focus on my parts.

The drummer and bassist of this band are among my closest friends, and we’ve all been going through a variety of difficulties the past few years. The drummer just lost his mother after years of battling with cancer. She was an awesome lady, and it’s quite the loss. Meanwhile, the bassist is in the Philippines, and just proposed to his long time, long distance girlfriend. She said yes, so I suppose I should upgrade that to “his fiance”.

As a result of the loss, a bunch of the drummer’s close friends, to include me, gathered at his house to keep him company and help him “get cross-faded”, as one does. He was in good form, which was quite impressive. I do hope I provided the friendship and support asked of me, and I think I did. I question this because I had a great time, and I worry I was a bit selfish in so doing. I got to joke around, talk mad shit about stuff, catch up with folks I haven’t in a while, and pet some dogs. I even got to catch up with the bassist’s sister whom readers might recall I made things awkward and shitty with because I took a romantic shot at her some months ago. I think things are smoothed over now, and I got quite a few good laughs out of here, though I did walk away with some new anxieties there as well.

I’d wanted to catch up with her all night, but I didn’t want to just cut in on an ongoing conversation and I didn’t want to get her alone and make her feel like I’d cornered her. Nearing the end of the night, she was slowly wrapping up and not entirely in on the conversation she was physically nearest, and nor was I. So I moved in for a chat. When things from the other conversation got loud, I instinctively moved us a little away, which immediately felt a little shitty of me, like I was taking advantage of the situation to pull her away. So I stopped a few steps out, as to not get too far.

Other friends inserted themselves into our conversation, which, I don’t know, it’s a party, so that’s normal. Often welcomed, really, but in this case, a bit of a bummer, because I was trying to get her thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to get those out of her in the group conversations, because she often hangs back in them, letting the rest of us make asses of ourselves, which is generous of her, but then she just gets edged out. And that’s kinda what happened here, where it became less of a conversation with her and more of a chance for the boys to perform. I don’t know what to feel about this. Sometimes it feels like I’m being chaperoned. I’m not, of course, but I don’t think we got three minutes with just the two of us, while I got long stretches of one-on-ones with just about everyone else there that night.

Though I know I’ve not always been great at it, these days, when I see my friends get into a one-on-one conversation, even if it doesn’t seem particularly private, I tend to leave them be. They have entered into a dynamic that lets them form and develop real connections, and they don’t need me showing up to perform “The Aaron Show” and change that dynamic. That I can’t seem to do that in this situation gives me the impression that I’m doing something wrong. Maybe I am, I don’t have any ownership of this woman’s time. But it always results in the intended conversation being diminished, because if I don’t make room for them, now it feels like I’m being rude and weird. Though they don’t mean to, they end up taking the room that I was trying to make for her, and I lose the conversational dynamic I was hoping for, the chance to practice my one on one skills, and the bigger chance to just hear from her, unfettered by group dynamics. I also end up performing for the changed dynamic myself, which I think might make me come off as disingenuous.. It’s certainly not any of their faults or problems, and may very well just be me reading too much into things. And then I also feel like the additions made her stay even later, after I’d already selfishly prevented her from ducking out when she’d wanted to. In the attempt to repair the overstep, I think I’ve made some progress. However, in trying to bolster the friendship part of the relationship, I think I’ve made some new mistakes and lost ground. I don’t know, I’m sure I’m overthinking it, but I feel like I’ve been a dick, and I’m not sure how to fix that.

I suppose it’s relevant, and I don’t know the last time I mentioned romance, so maybe it’s worth stating – I’ve decided to take it off the table entirely for the time being. I don’t want to come off as though that one, misguided attempt is going to shut me down entirely. It wasn’t just that, for one, it was also online dating, and a couple of conversations in the wild that I think I could have pursued, but I just had nowhere to go with it. it’s also very much not forever. I’m sure I’ll get back at things eventually. But I just don’t got it right now, and feeling like I need to get it while I’m just so out of sorts and have so little offer is not helping. I mean, look, I don’t even know who I am anymore, but I’m pretty sure I want more than a hookup, and that seems incompatible. I’m not saying I’m avoiding it, look, it would be great to have sex again. Goddamn, would it ever. But I don’t get out much, and when I do, I’m not thinking about pulling some strange, I’m thinking about the friends that I’m out with. Maybe that’s because I’m plagued by the lingering inadequacy left by years of constant rejection, but that’s a conversation for therapy. Either way, I just can’t deal with that right now. So I’ll just stay the course on my various self improvement projects and squash the rest of the wants for the time being. When it’s time again, I’ll be ready.

Health / Fitness: My walking treadmill is broken and has been for a while. I’m pretty sure it’s fixable, and I know exactly how it got this way – I didn’t maintain it. Likely complications are that I never cleaned it or lubricated any of its parts, the contact between the platform and the track in particular. So that probably really hurt the motor, which I suspect is also very dirty. Though I suppose it could just be extremely damaged. The plan was to open it up, clean it out, and repair whatever is broken. I opened it up today and… I don’t think I’m going to do that. It doesn’t, honestly, seem all that hard. But it also looks like the construction of this thing is such that it isn’t meant to be repaired. Not that this would normally stop me, but in order to get in there to repair it, I think it’s likely I’d do more damage, some of which might not be reversible. There’s a lot of plastic bits without screws going on. Also, I think the damage already done might not just be dust and hair caught in the motor, I think the extended use without proper maintenance may have degraded the operation in the motor itself, which I’m not sure cleaning would actually help. And these units are so cheap, both in price and construction, they’re clearly meant to be replaced. I hate that, but I also might need to just accept it. Replacing it may be the only real option. I don’t know, I’m going to think about that, maybe take another stab at it the next time I have nothing to do on a weekend.

Otherwise, things have just been moving along as intended. I have finally started losing weight again, but I’m not back to my end of last year weight-in yet. I should get there over the summer, and the summer is a great time for me to catch up. And then I’ll be in school, and I’m really not sure what to expect there. In the meantime, bumping up the protein and fiber in my diet seems to have been a good move. So here’s to hoping.

Academics: I’m still doing the mini-precalc module. Right now, I’m getting up to speed on Trigonometry, but I’m definitely not all the way there. I need to challenge myself with more problems, since I learn so much more quickly through my mistakes.

I have had a few revelations on it that would have definitely made my high school AP Calc experience better had I known or understood them, which I’m thinking I might write about later this week. In addition to just enjoying writing, I’m finding that the act of writing about things actually helps me better understand them. One thing worth mentioning off the top is that, in the study of Trig, by its nature, you dive really deep into just one topic. It’s all triangle, largely just the right triangle in the unit circle. So you can really focus in on it and gather insights you otherwise wouldn’t jumping from subject to subject. It’s like when you need to solve everything to do with one single process, you can’t help but get all the way up to your elbows in it. There is a huge advantage to this, because you’ll end up seeing some of the same information but from different angles, which both helps to reinforce the knowledge you’ve been gaining, but also helps to broaden connections, but making them more abstract, open to explore, and more concrete, available to apply.

On my coding project, things have been progressing slowly. This is because I’ve also switched over to Linux from Windows as the OS on my daily driver desktop PC. I’m currently dual booting the machine, but I’ve been comfortable enough on the Linux side (cautiously running a Zorin OS distro for the time being), that most days I don’t need to boot to the Windows side at all. However, I have already found a few problems that I’ve not been able to solve in Linux. I also have an Apple laptop, and that seems to solve most of those, but it’s annoying that there are still things in 2026 that not only don’t bother to make themselves available on other systems, but actually needlessly lock them out. The most popular web browsers are all available and work perfectly fine in Linux, some are even optimized for it. But there are webapps that you access through any normal browser that then make their own checks for the OS, see that it isn’t the most current Windows, and says, “nah”. Maybe there are some key parts of the architecture that make this make sense, but dawg, your webapp is just not that special, how could it possibly need to care what the OS is?

That whole annoying situation aside, things have stalled a little for setup. I’m sure I could have finished setup earlier, but I needed to do some research, and I didn’t want to lose steam on my other projects, so I didn’t dedicate all of my time there. On the steup, dev tools seem to never work out of the box, which in some way feels like its on purpose. This isn’t a Linux problem, though. Setting up dev tools is a pain in the ass on every OS. Even XCode, Apple’s native development tool, can take like a day to actually set up to work the way you want it to, especially if you want to run your app on a physical phone. It’s almost like you have to prove that you want it bad enough before you can use it.

I’m still working out a few kinks, but I’ve gotten my main setup using Android Studio on my Linux box at least working. The toughest part has been getting the Android emulator working. One more annoying thing is that I ended up trying out VS Code again, and I think I like it more. The annoying thing is that I can’t seem to solve getting the emulator working as well for VS Code. If it works at all, which it usually doesn’t, it’s slow, laggy, chunky, and prone to crashes. What a pain. Additionally, I still have to tackle connecting it to my physical devices, which I haven’t gotten working on either. However, I’ve got that covered on my other machines, so it’s a low priority. The priority is dropped even more now that I’ve started using github a little more closely to as intended. I’m pushing and pulling code now! Commits with comments! No hands, ma! Some hands, actually, I’m not comfortable going fully automatic.

Anyway, the app is working, but it’s messy, not very inviting, and missing some key features. So I’m going to fix that all up in a few phases, and see if I can’t just publish this thing between now and the start of school. So that’s the study balance right now – the math ramp-up continues, I’m sprinkling in some Chem and Physics, and trying to keep up with the coding project. I think those are going to consume my life, but also, that sounds kinda great.

Next Time: I should have some follow-up on college enrollment, which I’m writing here as added reason to hurry up and do it. I really don’t know why I’m dragging my feet. I’ve made an account, I should just start filling out the forms already. I also have a couple of medical appointments this week, though I don’t expect any revelations from them. I guess you’ll hear about it if I do. I want to take a closer look at some gamedev options, because it would be rad to make a little one this year. I think it might be a slightly bigger monster than I want to take on right now, but I’m always thinking about it. I also have a mountain of books that I’ve been wanting to talk about, and the pile keeps growing, so I should hurry up and do that. Also all of the math thoughts I’ve been having, I really need to write those down, so I can stop storing the thoughts in my head. That’s not where those belong, I need that space for the right now of it all. Oh my god, this week is already filling up so quickly, I have to stop thinking!

Alright, that’s it. I’m cutting me off for the night. Until next time, y’all.

I think the changes to my diet may finally force me to start eating lunch again.

Follow-ups: I don’t remember the last time I brought this up, but I’d been going on about how bad I’ve gotten at being a social person. I’ve had times in my life when I’d been quite social, had many friendships, had both actual romance and a variety of flings. I’d keep pretty busy and lately, I’ve just not been able to muster it. It’s too early to really say, but I do think I’ve been getting back on that horse. It feels a little overblown to even say this, but I kinda feel like I’m finding myself again. On the romance front, though, I think what I found is that now is just not the time, which might be part of why I’ve been so shitty at it lately. I think I’ve been self sabotaging, partly because I don’t really want a fling and what I really want just doesn’t fit right now. A fling would actually fit perfectly, to be honest, but my lack of effort and follow through indicates I just might not be up for it. But goddamn, could I use it. Other than my heart not being in it, I think I have genuinely gotten shitty at it. So I’ve been working on it, and I’ve started to remember the steps to that dance. I can’t quite dance that like anymore, to continue the metaphor, but I’ve begun to modify movements so I could find more fitting footing in my present age. As this continues, I may pop a “social” heading into my posts, but not just yet. For the time being, I don’t think I need regular updates on it. I’m still just getting comfortable, again, with being myself. And that just takes practice. 

One social plan I’ve been thinking of is scheduling myself a day in the middle of each week where I watch a movie or two, and that it’s on a regular schedule or cadence. This will help me get through my many lists of works I’d like to see. I think I’d also like to schedule a few other things, like regular (though probably not weekly) visits to parks, museums, theaters. You know, culture stuff. And in all cases, those could be good times to invite others along, whether it be an open invite to whomever or a specific invite to a specific event. This is tough, though, since so much stuff takes money and everything takes time, and I am limited in both resources at the moment. So we’ll have to see. But it’s a thought I’ve tossed around for years, and have only recently begun to see it as a real possibility.

Health & Fitness: The prospect of having a giant potato and 16 entire ounces of steak all to  myself sounded wonderful, and so I piled myself up a big ol’ plate of it last night. But by the time I made it through my salad and other greens, I was already starting to feel it. Now I am glad I got my greens in, no complaints there, but I did not make it through even half of the steak and potatoes. It seems the strategy of getting the bulk of my protein in one, big, beefy meal might not have been a good one. I just couldn’t make it through, and I’m a big guy with a big appetite. Then again, the efforts I’ve made in re-balancing my diet over the past few months have started to stack up and change the gut math for me. So I do think I’ll have to stop skipping lunch to make the math work again. 

I still haven’t hit that point that most people get to, and that I used to hit when I was younger, of feeling just totally run down in the middle of the day, then having that midday meal that pumps you back up. In fact, part of why I started skipping lunch is because I started feeling the opposite, the lunch would just put me down, even a small one. I’d be tired and lethargic the rest of the day. Just about the only thing that worked for taking in midday calories was spacing out smaller, less impactful snacks. Mostly fruit, sometimes chips, crackers, or cheese. Fiber and protein bars have had their occasional place. I used to love a mid afternoon V8 with an apple and string cheese, but the sodium of that combo just doesn’t work for me anymore. I have started to feel midday hunger pangs, actually, though they usually pounce on me later in the afternoon, when I’m already thinking about dinner. I imagine that added to the idea that I could just take down a pound of beef in a single sitting. If I can manage to get past my next weight goal, I suspect I’ll start feeling that hunger amp up more, and maybe earlier. The morning hunger returned in the past year or so already, and only intensified, so it would seem to make some sense there.

Also, it does seem I’m finally starting to lose that weight I’ve been worrying about. Unfortunately, as always happens, the timing on it is such that I couldn’t actually point to a specific action as the cause. I had a lot going on, and in my concern, just started throwing everything I figured would help at the problem. Really, it could be just about anything. I’m going to take that as a sign that at least a little bit of everything is useful, and as long as I keep up the healthier habits and things continue to trend in my preferred direction, we’ll take that as a win. One of the bigger signs that weight loss is oncoming, which is a big increase of piss breaks, came on before I got all of my scripts filled. That’s a little gross, sorry, and I’m not 100% sure it’s true, but it’s happened to me before. I just gotta pee so much, and then it starts getting easier to get results. I definitely think being back on the drugs helps, let’s not get it twisted. But I think the two things we’ve always known to work are working, they just took my body some time to catch on – the top thing is to get the diet in check, the second is to get your exercise in check. Medical complications aside, and I’m lucky to only have a few, that’s the basic math of it all. A regularly shared opinion of experts and practitioners, you build abs in the kitchen, you tone them in the gym (or functional workouts, you know, exercise or whatever).

Also, I feel a little better. Health wise. Less headaches, which I’m pretty sure is just the meds. Well, I guess I’ve been feeling better in most respects over the past few years, to be honest. I’m very worried about my future, but it doesn’t feel dire. It all feels very doable, even though the roadblocks seem endless. I suppose that’s why I’m trying so hard to have this school thing work out.

Academics: I’ve taken to writing a bit about what I’m working on as a part of my process. It’s like giving myself little reviews here and there, where writing it out actually makes me really consider whether or not I understand the things I’m learning. This has been helpful, as I regularly find out that I don’t, and then I spend time researching and practicing until I do. This tends to take the form of some janky review doc, not really meant for sharing. However, I’m thinking I might take one of those, polish it up just enough, and post it up here. I’m thinking this mostly because it’s a meaningful check-point of my progress. But I’m also thinking about it because of how blogs can be helpful for others in understanding their own struggles, and I love the idea of being a little helpful.

Otherwise, there hasn’t been much progress to report. I’ve been dragging my feet on enrolling for the Fall semester, but I think I’ll finally get moving on that this week. I need to lock myself in hard and early, and while I’ve been doing that in rebuilding my math skills and overall learning strategies, I need to start bringing everything together over the next few months. I’m still very worried that I can’t actually pull any of this off, and then I’ll just have burned through what little resources I’ve saved while building an extended unemployment period that I’ll have to explain for my next, likely terrible job. But if I can get even a little bit more out of this phase, it’ll be a professional boon instead of just a lazy break. If I can make it through at least a few of the critical courses, I’ll know I’ve got it, and I’ll be able to actually follow through on at least some of my ambitions. And wouldn’t that be nice?

Next time: This week I have a handful of social bits that I’m equally looking forward to and also feeling a little anxious about. I’m scheduled to play some music with a new friend, a fellow guitarist, tomorrow. He’s much better at it than I am, and I think that I can learn a lot from him. There isn’t really any reason to feel anxious about it, but I’m always anxious about social situations, even when it’s with my favorite people at my favorite places. I’ve been feeling especially inadequate at guitar lately, which I think will actually end up being a net good. But I have to resist the impulse to seem like I know what I’m doing when I don’t. I gotta be able to call out when I’m not getting something. The flip of this is that I don’t want him to feel like he’s just signed up for an unpaid remedial teaching gig. I’m sure he’d just like to jam, and I would like that, too, but it’s been so long since I’ve last jammed with other guitarists, I’m not really sure I know how anymore.

I’ve also got my niece’s high school graduation. It’s a private, Catholic school, and while I don’t give much of a shit what any of those types think of me, I also don’t want to embarrass her. So I think I need to find a decent looking, my nicest polo as a minimum, possibly a sport coat/blazer as an upgrade. I don’t have one of those, so I guess I should see if I can find one.

Alright, that’s it for today. I’ve got stuff that needs getting done. Until next time, y’all.

I’m only a day behind this week, and already feeling more back on track. That was a clunky sentence, and I’m not going to clean it up. I don’t think I have any follow-ups today, so let’s just get to checking things in.

Health & Fitness: Feeling back on track came in both health and fitness – I finally, FINALLY got my goddamn important heart medication prescriptions all filled. It isn’t what I was originally prescribed, or the very similar but slightly different drug they wanted to replace it with, but the generic version of the second one. Medical papers assure me it isn’t “second tier”, that they’re both first-rate versions of whatever this thing is doing. But then, they do also seem to indicate that this one is slightly less good at the main thing I’m taking it for. But, you know, it’s only my heart and all, so that definitely means it’s not medically necessary. Oh, right, it’ll be more efficient… to take the drug that isn’t as well proven to keep patients out of the hospital. The very, very expensive hospital. It once again seems we should be asking, efficient at what and for whom?

But with that, it seems like the health can take a back-burner in my check-ins again, at least for a while. I have a few other medical visits that might be worth mentioning at some point. I just did my first at-home sleep study, and that should be worth writing about when I get the results. I’ll say this now – it was like a zillion times more pleasant of an experience than the clinical, sleep-center version. If you need a sleep study and can manage getting the at-home one, you should do that.

I’ve also gotten back on that fitness horse pretty reliably. I’d been feeling like my latest routine changes might have been hasty and undercooked, but over the past week or so, I’ve really been pushing things as close to failure as I can. That’s clearly been a missing factor, and I am really feeling it. The regular walks and runs have also been great. I do need to make some tweaks to it. With my strength training, I’d really like to move into more functional, full-body exercises. I don’t want to spend hours in the gym each day hyper-targeting individual muscles. I do want to do some of those – I do have my vanity, and I’d love to have a nice chest, arms, and legs. But more than anything, I want to recover more of my lost strength, mobility, flexibility, endurance, and agility. If I can do that, I’d like to see if I can improve over my past self, though I don’t have any real benchmarks, so I guess that’ll be vibes-based, to use a slightly outdated parlance.

All of this together has had me back on a more regular life schedule as well – not staying in bed quite so long, not going to bed at night quite so late. Not lingering or dilly-dallying on BS quite so long or often during the day, either. I still haven’t hit my ideal pattern just yet, but I’ve meaningfully improved. Same with the diet. I’ve already found a pretty good rhythm with that, including saving a bit of money on all that dang chicken, and leveraging my years-long built knowledge and experience in cooking and food prep. It’s been a nice reminder of how spices really do go a long way.

Academics: With my last class firmly behind me and having gotten started on the next set, I’m also feeling a good bit back on track here. Let’s start with a quick recap on the plan.

I’m looking to head back to school and try my hand at a college degree. The real goal is the learn enough stuff and gather enough skills and experience in them that I can actually finish some of my many unfinished projects. The secondary goal is to gain enough credentials or experiential bone fides to bolster my resume and interview background. I would love to never have to work for someone else again, and I see this as my best way to do so. I also see it as a fantastic fallback if that doesn’t work out. And since I’m equal parts strategic and uncertain, I have fallbacks stacked on fallbacks.

The degree I’m most seriously thinking about pursuing is something in the Engineering realm. I think the world of Engineering gives me the best likelihood of actually pulling through on the greater plan, though I’m not really sure which area of study to pursue specifically. I really like the main areas in both Mechanical and Electrical, and have some notion that Mechatronics, which supposedly combines the two, might be up my alley. But given some of my other interests, I’ve had friend and family suggest Aerospace, Industrial, and Civil. I’ve had recommendations in just about everything, including a bunch that I’d never heard of before. It seems like a bigger field than I expected, which oddly, actually, seems like it should be expected. I don’t know, and I think I’m early enough to not need to worry about it just yet. I think I need to take some early classes to really get a feel for it.

My biggest concerns are money, time, and my own ability. I’ve been feeling like my ability has become extremely diminished over the years, and that is on top of it not being all that great to begin with. To help with the money and time, I’ve been taking courses online, some of which for credit*. From those, I should get credit for English Comp. I, Statistics I, and College Algebra I. I might be able to finesse a credit from an Intro to Computer Science class I took online from Harvard, and it seems I could get credit… for a few thousand dollars. I’m not sure if that’s really worth it to me yet. It’s not even the path I plan to head down, but then it would be 4 credits if I did. So maybe. I’ve also taken Micro and Macroeconomics courses, mostly Open Course Wear (OCWs) from MIT – because that’s free. I don’t think there’s a path to credits for those, but I think I will try to take some for-credit courses for them. I suppose that depends on time, because I’m planning on starting at my local community college in the Fall. Possible a summer class, but that’s coming up really soon. So maybe not.

I have had some struggles with parts of each of these, but I’ve so far been able to finish each. The bigger win, in my heart, is that I did better at each than I was expecting, and better yet, I really feel like I understand them. That’s pretty dope.

So where am I at now? Right, given that the plan is Engineering and that means a lot of Math, I want to tackle Calculus. I took AP Calc in high school and did fucking terribly. I think I may have technically passed, and I’m not sure if I took the AP test, but I’m certain I did not get any credits for it. I barely understood any of it. In retrospect, it seems the underlying problems were, of course, the foundations. I seem to recall doing pretty well in Algebra, but I think I started to fall off around the end of it. The bigger thing was that I somehow convinced my teachers to let me into Calc without taking Precalc or Trig. I think I might have promised to study them over the summer, which was absolutely a lie. The focus on Calc is that, so much of what I come across is really just concept and system, and once you can get a grasp of those things, you can really do anything. I’ve also been picked up by just how many absolute dipshits I’ve come across that have college degrees. Like, if these absolute drains can manage a degree, it really can’t be that hard, can it? Then again, the number of dipshits with Engineering degrees is a much, much smaller ratio. And frankly, after that high school experience, I’m pretty intimidated by Calculus.

So I figure that’s my real gut check. If I can pass and at least somewhat understand Calculus, then I think I can actually pull this thing off. And on the approach of the Pre-calc plan, I’ve discovered that College Algebra actually covers a good chunk of what I was missing from high school. I really struggled with a lot of the concepts that I should have had back then, and everything I’ve come across now, yeah it takes me a minute but… I get it.

So now the plan is do a strategic pass on Pre-Calc. I’m starting with all of the Trig that I missed, and it’s already going well. Not great, mind you. It’s only been a few days, and I’ve gleaned some knowledge, but I definitely haven’t committed anything key to memory just yet. But I’m getting there. I am eager to catch those Econ credits, but in this current phase, I’m not actually directly going for credits. Since most of the online credit-recommending options (stuff like Study.com, StraighterLine.com, Sophia.org – things that are like a modern take on CLEP or other ways you can “test out” of credits) bill monthly, or are free and culminate in a for-pay test or CLEP voucher, I figure the best way to use my time in this phase is to pre-study. Basically, I have a whole bunch of books and physical materials, and the internet is bursting with wonderful resources to study up on my subjects of choice, so how’s about I preload that knowledge while I ease off the monthly charge for a while?

So a Trig-heavy Precalc phase is under way. I’m going to see about layering in my Chemistry I and Physics I subjects as well. Since these are all core classes for some pretty intensive degrees, I’m not actually sure than any of the credits will transfer. I sure hope so, because, you know – time and money. But I won’t be crushed if they don’t. I also won’t be crushed if I end up falling back to a completely different degree or drop out entirely, to be honest, I’ll only be crushed if I meaninglessly give up. And if I take the classes and need to retake them for credit, I”ll just consider that extra practice. So Pre-Calc into Calculus I, Chem I, Phys I, Intro to MIcroecon, Intro to Macroecon. That’s the plan for the remainder of the Spring and Summer. If I can at least understand those well enough, then I think I’ve got a real chance.

I have so much else to say about all of this, but I’ve already said so much, and it’s late. I’ve gotta wind down for the night so I can turn in and get back at it early. Until next time, y’all.

My dog watch has been completed, and I may now rest. Let’s check the past week or so in.

Follow-ups: As previously mentioned, I spent last week watching my brother’s dogs while they traveled. Though I would have done it for free, it was a paying gig, which I do appreciate. Any extra cash to keep this project going is real boon. Anyway, it was nice to hang in the woods for about a week with some sweet pups and away from my regular routine.

It was also a little bit of a pain in the ass to be away from my usual routine, especially since I was just at the beginning of changing that routine up. But that’s how it goes, and I really don’t think I’m that much worse for wear, so all good.

Fitness / Health: The dogs and I did not go for those twice a day short walks I was expecting. Actually, I couldn’t seem to get them to go for even one single walk. It was really rainy all week, which I understand the older dog just won’t do. I don’t know, I get it. Anyway, I’m back home now, and I’ve started doing my daily walkies again, with occasional runs. Same with the strength training. I finally got around to assembling that pull-up bar I got on deep discount some time back, and wouldn’t you know it, it doesn’t fit any of my doorways. Not a single one. I have determined that I could use it in my bedroom closet, but I think I might need to take the door out. I did realize it may be possible to solve this by just, you know, turning it around. If I try to install it so I’d be hanging outside of the closet looking in while in use, the door itself is in the way. Doesn’t work. Could remove the door, and then it’ll fit. But then my closet will be sans door. However, I think if I hang it so I’m inside the closet and looking out into my bedroom, it might fit perfectly. Wait… I feel like I had this realization before. Did I already come up with this and forget? Well anyway, that admittedly obvious way to make this work just did not occur to me (possibly for the second time) until earlier today. And it’s a lower priority, so I haven’t given it a shot, and it’s possible that I’ll go ahead and forget again, so that’ll be fun. I have more fitness talk, but I want to hit the health first, so we’ll make a health sandwich with fitness bread.

I did finally get in to see my new cardiologist. I like him, I like the office, I like the folks that work there. Seems like a good fit. However, I still haven’t gotten the script for that critical drug that I need for my heart filled. This doctor made a new prescription and sent it directly to the mail order service for this shitty insurance. And they sure did deny it. Multiple cardiologists are certain that I need this thing, and without it, I’m going to end up costing a bunch of money going back into the hospital. But no, it’s more efficient to have this private insurer pretend to be part of a public system so they can deny preventative health measures. Nice. I’ve got another appointment tomorrow, this time about my sleep. I have a referral, but now I’m worried that I also need something else? I don’t have a reason to think that, other than everything is a huge pain in the ass, and I keep getting reminder texts from the place about it.

Okay, back to fitness. Trying to fit all of that protein and fiber into my diet has been a bit of a hassle, but I’m making it work. The most efficient way about it does seem to be the gym-bro chicken, broccoli, and rice, plus supplements plan. For the time being, I’m actually avoiding the rice. I’m sure it’ll find its way back in, but I’ve mostly been filling its place with stuff like high-fiber and/or protein wraps, bread, or noodles. Other leans meats, especially fish, and meat alternatives are on the menu, but you know, I’ve actually found fresh chicken breasts and thighs in those big-ol’ value packs are pretty dang affordable. The thighs aren’t as lean as I should be aiming for, but unless I need to trim some more calories or make for a higher protein-to-calories ratio, it’s not a huge concern. And thighs taste better than breasts, at least as far as chickens are concerned. Anyway, I can see myself having fun working out recipes and little adjustments here and there to the limited menu. Should be a good time.

When I started this change, I found it borderline miserable. All the powders, so many unpleasant and dry-assed calories, and the way your guts feel when you rapidly bump up your regular intake of protein and fiber… not a fun time. But now that my guts are catching up, this is actually going pretty well. I mean, I talk some shit, but I do like chicken and broccoli. Or any greens, really. And a well thought out pan sauce can really transform a dish. Now I’m trying to figure out the other meals. I usually skip lunch, but maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe it’ll be easier to split my calories up in thirds. Then again, I do like an end of day snack. I may have to do away with those, but if I can keep one, then I do have a number of foods that I can use to close my most common nutritional gaps. Yogurt, chia seeds, frozen berries, nuts, high fiber cereal, and more powders. I can do something with that, I’m sure. Fitting everything into the very restrictive box of specific macro goals with hard sodium limits is pretty tough. But it’s doable.

Academics – I finally finished that Algebra course and wow. I did not do great on the final. I think I got a high C. I got really hung up on a few early problems, the kind of stuff I really should have reviewed more. But you know, I thought that I had that stuff. When I got to the end of the test, it was all the stuff that I did review a lot, and that stuff was really easy for me. However, I didn’t get to all of them, because I lost so much time on the early stuff that I couldn’t remember! I straight up missed questions because I ran out of time, and they were the types of questions that I studied for! Ca-rushed!

That’s something I need to work on. Two somethings, really. First, to make sure I don’t get too focused on one area of problems that I end up neglecting critical early stuff. Second, to follow my test strategy. I had one, a test strategy, that is. If I’m struggling on a question for 30 seconds and don’t see the path to finish, I need to skip and move on. And I just did not do that. I should have marked the problems, moved the fuck on, and came back to finish them later. But whatever, I’d done so well up to this point, that I still finished the course with a low A. And I still don’t know if the grade is going to transfer or if it’ll just be a pass/fail. I’m not even sure if this will transfer at all, but I’m hoping this increases my chances that the credits will count.

I’m going to try and grab some easier credits in the next few months, and also see about studying up for my first round of actual, in person classes. The classes that are top of mind are Calculus I, Chemistry I, and Physics I. If I can at least get prepared for them, I’ll be pretty happy. I do think I’ll try to get those credits before enrollment, because every credit I can bank and get a transfer for saves both money and time. I’m a little worried that those credits won’t be accepted by my school, but also, I’m not that worried about it. The main goal remains to actually understand this shit, so if I take a course online and the actual school requires that I take theirs, I’ll be a smidge salty that I’ll have to spend more money, but also… it’s a community college, and their credits aren’t that expensive. The silver lining is that I’ll end up getting a more in-depth understanding of it all. And also be less stressed in class, presumably, which could mean that I could balance that additional depth with preparing for the next set of classes and try getting a jump on things. Wouldn’t that be nice?.

Alright, well I’ll probably have some more thoughts in cooking for this diet update. I think I can regularly do a riff on a Halal-Cart chicken, which I think something like farro would be a good stand-in for the rice. I’m not sure, though. I’ll need to do some real footwork with nutritional facts, so we’ll see.

Alright, that’s it for today. Keep it easy.

I just realized that I haven’t checked in yet this week, and that’s something that I’d like to do. So let’s do that.

I’m at my brother’s house this week, watching his family’s dogs. Did I mention that last week? Let me check… oh, I did. Dope. Well, I’m doing that. It’s nice. The dogs are mostly chill, though I can’t seem to convince them to go for a walk. It has been rainy all week, so… relatable. But I could use the exercise. Anyway, it’s also been a busy week because I finally got most of my healthcare stuff figured out. Finally. You know what? let’s run it down.

Fitness/Health: The fitness has bee mostly about figuring things out. Not being at home, it’s been kinda difficult to stay on task with exercise. I’ve gotten in a little here and there, but there really isn’t anyplace for a long walk or jog or whatever. I could, and really should, be doing some calisthenics and body-weight exercise, but I haven’t. So that’s my bad. I have, however, finally sat down and started trying to work out my diet update. The good news is that I finally made sense of it. The bad news is that for at least the immediate future, I think I’m going to have to go full gym-bro. I’m not 100% on what this means for budget, though, I think it’ll be overall the same if not maybe a little cheaper. I’m going to have to buy more lean meat and plant-based protein. Yep, protein. I harp on this shit because I’ve seen so many folks get so hyper focused on protein that they end up doing permanent damage to themselves by ignoring other things or just incorrectly pursuing that goal. In my want, fiber is also paramount. And the goal revolves around lean and clear, whole-assed foods. I am going to have to cut most grains most of the time, which I’m not thrilled about. To that end, I think I’m going to lean on some of those weird pastas and noodles made from lentils or sea trash. Konjac noodles, you know. You scoop up a handful of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, throw it into an InstaPot, and BAM, noodles. I’m pretty sure that’s how it works.

If I ever do get around to breaking down my new exercise routine, I’ll include the diet. But more or less, it’s going to be a lot of frozen chicken, white fish, and broccoli. Yee-haw.

Also powders. Protein dust and dusty husks. That’s where the fun is.

It’s not all bad. For starters, I really do need to do this. I have to get in better shape, and I know that’s mostly done in the kitchen. I need to cut my snacking (at least by some), I need to eat more constructively, and I need to make it easy to do so. So the chicken and broccoli tradition is basically perfect.

OH RIGHT! The medical stuff. I finally, FINALLY got in for a goddamn physical. I’m doing alright, though my blood pressure is a little high. That backs up my concern that the meds I can’t seem to get filled are things I do in fact need. I should be seeing my new cardiologist tomorrow, so hopefully they can finally close that gap. I’m still working out vision. This is all such a headache. But hey, progress. So that’s good.

Academics: I continue to not quite find the time and focus I need to completely wrap up the Algebra course, so it does seem like this is going to go longer than intended. I probably won’t take the test until this weekend or early next week. But it’s not all bad there, either, because I have been accomplishing the things that I’ve been meaning to. I’m actually understanding things. And I gotta say, that has been pretty damn wonderful. In this exercise, I haven’t just caught up to where I was in high school, I’ve completely overcome it. In my current level of knowledge, I can now look back on my previous skill level and confidently say that there was a significant percentage of it that I simply did not understand. There are entire problem types that, if I ever got correct on any test, I was guessing. Now I understand them well enough that I can reliably answer them and even explain them. Practice was the biggest part, structured practice. I also love how my professional life taught me the value of approaching things systematically, and that this revisit of school has helped me shift that experience into traditional learning. Being able to see a problem and instead of panicking at not being able to immediately divine the answer, I can calmly identify the type of problem that it is and systematically set up and then execute on a process to arrive at and verify my answers.

And that is dope.

So the trend of me feeling more and more comfortable and confident in all of this continues. I’m pretty happy about that.

On my coding project, I’m in the clean-up phase of my first working prototype. It works, which fucking whips. But it’s clear that it needs some work. I need to add some features, I need to make it look better, I need to make the overall experience a little better. And to get there, I need to make it easier for me to work on and test, which I’ve started. I got a cheap(ish) used Android phone to start testing for that platform. It’s been a few years since I last dabbled in mobile app development and I’d forgotten just how much of a pain in the ass this all is. Although, and I gotta think there are folks out there that can really relate to this, I also think that’s kinda fun. Like, having to weed through the bullshit and figure out how to solve some stupid thing is… yeah, kinda nice.

I have, um, too many computers. And they’re all different platforms. I can explain myself, but I won’t, just know that I do. I’m writing this on a Macbook, my home computer is a Windows PC and I recently converted it to dual-boot with a Linux distro. It’s been a long time since I tried to daily-drive Linux, which is the eventual goal, so I went with Zorin OS to make it easy. I like it, but I already want to switch distros. But that’s a thought for another time. Every time I write something like that, I’m reminded that I’ve become a real parody of a person. Goddamn, I should tape up the bridge of my glasses and get it over with.

Anyway, one of the middle-projects of the past week or so has been to get the development tools up and running on all of my platforms and to get the app not only running, but to also get my devices able to run work as development tools. I have almost all of that figured out now. I still have some work to do on the Linux one. I’ve got my IDE working there, but there are a few things I need to work out before I can send to the app to my Android phone from it. I do have that working on my Mac and Windows platforms, and I think I know what I’m missing on Linux. I’ll deal with that next week. But hey! I’m able to run my shitty little app on my Android AND my iPhone! That’s a bit of a minor win for me, but a win nonetheless.

So finish the dev setup is now a lower priority. I’m considering how I might want to develop things in the future, as I know a lot of pro devs use virtual IDEs, but I don’t know much about that. In fact, I don’t think I actually know that a lot of devs use virtual boxes, that’s just something I’ve read here and there. Also, that’s a back-of-mind thought, because it’s not something I’m really in the position of needing to worry about now. And this setup is working well enough for now. Also, I’m not planning on being a dev, I just think these are skills that I will want in the future for other professional things and also hobbies.

One thing I’ve discovered, or I suppose rediscovered, is that I like making little things. This whips. I’ll see how I feel about it when I actually get to the end of this project. I could finish it and publish it now, but… no, I don’t think so. I do think I’m going to try and make something actually useful and nice. It’s meant to be a little kitchen helper app, full of answers to the questions I’m always looking for. It’s not quite there yet, and sure doesn’t look nice. So I’m looking at this as a more structured project now. I need to wrap up this phase first. Then I’ll lay out my intended features, plan the work in phases with planned points to reevaluate and adjust as needed. I should… write about that, in a more specific way. And add a screenshot or two. Not today.

Alright, that’s enough of a check in for this week. It’s late and I need to wind down. Until next time.

The busy continues. I mean, I’m not that busy. Right, I’m able to maintain a life here. But I’ve had to divert a lot of my planned activities to keep up. Speaking of which, I’m going to try to be a bit more brief in this check-in. Quick note – I’m going to rip through this post and not take an editing pass, so apologies for typos and otherwise stupid shit.

Health/Fitness: I’m getting in the exercise and getting closer to hitting my nutritional goals, like a real gym-bro. The bigger thing is that I finally got to see a dang doctor, and I think I picked the right one, because she got right on top of getting me the referrals I’d need to fill in the various gaps that switching insurance has created. I see her again next week. I have all of my referrals and otherwise needs scheduled, except for an eye exam. Though… the way the referral reads, I think she’s just sending me to get checked for diabetic eye damage? That can’t be right, right? Well, it’s fine if so, because she made all of her referrals to places in town, and I’ve never had an eye appointment last much longer than a cup of coffee. So even if I need to make another one to update my vision prescription, it’s no big. Speaking of prescriptions, I finally got my meds refilled! Hurray! I’m dying less slowly again!

Academics: This is the real bust on my time, because catching up with the health, the car, some home maintenance, some social obligations, financial decisions, school planning, cooking, and running errands, that I’ve had to put the actual learning stuff on the back burner. I’m pretty annoyed by that, but you know, stuff’s gotta get done. And the occasion of having my car stolen and the ongoing problem of having to deal with healthcare has highlighted that I’ve put a few of these items off for too long, which has definitely exacerbated the issues. So I think now is the right time to get caught up on all of my outstanding needs, especially given the timing, which will have me out of my home for about a week and change. I’ll touch on that in a sec.

So what this means is that I haven’t closed the loop on anything I’m studying. I did get in some algebra study and practice, but I’m still waiting to take the final, because it’s 2 hours and I’m pretty sure I need to practice up on a few areas before I actually take it. The coding project I’ve started… have I talked about that? I don’t know, but I should at some point. Maybe next check in. Anyway, I did start a coding project a short while ago to continue that bit of learning, and that’s going well. But also, it needs considerably more work before I can call it complete. Especially since I’m planning to actually publish the thing. And I’m also still thinking about publishing the webapp I made for CS50 up on some personal site. Probably not here.

I did finish filling out the FAFSA. I’m not getting anything from it. However, it does open the door for me to start applying for scholarships and grants. And next up, I need to get on enrolling. It’s just my local community college, so there isn’t really a rush for this. However, I’d like to just get it done. At this point, I know I’m doing this, I just don’t know when. Getting the footwork done sooner makes it harder for me to put things off for longer, and may even convince me to jump in a littler earlier than planned. And also, and this is a big one, it would mean less stress. So I’ll probably work on that next week.

Follow-ups and What’s up: I did get in some reading, I did get in (very little) some cleaning, I did get in some studying (and some of it was really quite good), I did sift through my mail pile, I did make major progress on my health backlog, and there were a number of other things I either finished or made good progress on. But I’ve still go a lot of outstanding stuff, and a bunch of that is going to go on pause for a while.

It’s going on pause for a while because I’m going to be out of town. It’s not anything dramatic, I’m just going to stay at my brother’s house for a while. He and his family are going to travel for a little while. They have one or two obligations to fulfill, including an interesting conference my sister in law was, I believe, invited to in Germany. Good for her, right? I’m a little light on details, I’ve not had much occasion to catch up with them. I’ll have to get filled in on all of that when they return. Anyway, I don’t think those events are long, and the rest of their travel is for some family vacation time. Which is also good. They are busy, busy people, even when they take vacations, but at least that’s a type of busy that’s on their own terms.

They have two dogs that sometimes travel with them, but won’t be on this one. So I’m going to watch the dogs. Which will be nice. They have a lovely home in a nice little wooded area. And the dogs are great. It’s also not that far, just give or take 45 minutes away (depending on traffic). So it’s not like I’ll be completely cut off from my home and my stuff, but I don’t plan to commute back and forth each day – I’ll stay there unless I need to pop back up here. So while that will put a handful of plans on the shelf while I’m down there, it should also give me plenty of time to finally sit down and study up, take the damn final, and focus on some of the other things that have been shelved this last few weeks.

Alright, well, this was not as brief as I had planned, and I still have a mountain of other things I want to talk about. But it’s late and I need to start wrapping things or I’ll be up all night. So let’s call it here, and hopefully I can be a little less frantic and a little more on time come next week.

Wow, time is absolutely flying. I had most of this post ready to go yesterday and then got tired. I really gotta rearrange my life to accommodate my ongoing needs. Study, eat, sleep, clean, exercise, socialize, chill. Room for incidentals. Is there anything else? I’m not going to remember this thought. Anyway, things’ve been busy and I’m still playing catch up, so let’s check this week in.

Follow-ups: In my last post I mentioned that I was going into a busy stretch and made a list of stuff to work on when I had time. I got to almost none of it. Let’s look at the list and cross off what I actually got done.

• Basic clean-up of my condo
• Sift through my mail pile
• Double-check all bills are caught up
• Re-pot my poor, sad orchid
• A handful of car updates
• Algebra Final Prep / Study
• Flutter Project Progress
• Re-finish my carbon steel pan
• Bass guitar kit progress
• Soldering kit progress
• Start House Maintenance Schedule
• Start Auto Maintenance Schedule
• Read (at least 30 minutes)
• Exercise
• College stuff – FAFSA, grants, enrollment, etc.

I should give myself some credit, I have been putting off the orchid and my junked up pan for quite a while. Fixing that pan ended up taking a couple of sessions and I had to use a sander, rotary tool, and chisels. Yes, chisels. I needed to chip away at the carbon, rust, and otherwise burned in clumps of yuck with chisels. Don’t worry, I wasn’t using any of my nice ones. In fact, the chisels I used are themselves in need of some rehab, but that’s a further off project. But hey, my old Lodge 8″ carbon steel is back in action, and looks better than ever.

Fitness / Health: So I tried to switch health providers and after waiting forever for feedback, they just denied me with no second chance. So I guess I’m just stuck with it for the rest of this year, and now I need to find a new dentist, primary care provider, and cardiologist. I suppose I could have seen that coming and should have already done so by now. But I haven’t. So that’ll be a project that needs finishing ASAP.

Anyway, I’ve been getting back on track with the fitness of it all. I am back to walking most days, running at least a few times a week, and keeping up with my strength training. I’m also trying to catch little extras here and there. I’m not ready to post the routine just yet, but probably will some day. I’m pretty sure I posted one of the previous routines… did I? I’m not going to check. Anyway, it’s a modified Push, Pull, Legs leaning on supersets. I’m always interested in what other folks are doing, especially if our situations seem similar and their routine is working. It seems to me that I should at least to try participating in the sharing part of this equation. Though it’s too early to tell if my recent routine adjustment is working, so we’ll wait until we see some progress before that. It feels like it’s working, so at least there’s that.

I also finally started making those diet changes. Some of this is just returning to what was working for me last year, and some of it has been reevaluating some of those decisions given what I’ve learned. The whole foods are staying, but I’ve been putting off adding a few new ones because of my perception of the hassle involved in preparing them, like cooking beans from dry. That’s arguably the best way to go, the caveat being that canned or otherwise ready to eat beans are, well, ready to eat. But I tend to put off even canned beans, which is pretty silly. I know folks with family bean recipes and a sort of “bean culture”, if I may, like folks with “rice culture”, where they just are going to eat like that every day. I could totally crib recipes and meals from them, but haven’t. And I know beans is good. It’s like those somewhat overblown “Blue Zone” diets. Yeah, there is some BS in the hype over them, but what’s not BS is that they are food cultures that tend to just get in their veggies, and lots of them, every day. And without even having to think about it. I’ve been there before, but I’m not there now. So I’ve been working on that. I’m also finally giving in on protein powder, because I am in fact struggling to get in enough without. At least, if the current popular guidance on this nutrient is fair. Some of them are saying I should eat my entire weight in grams of protein every single day. 250 grams a day? Surely, this is a miscalculation. Also fiber, which I’ve been aware of and agree with the need, but also struggle with hitting that target every day. This week, I really haven’t, which has at least partly been due to being better at managing my sodium intake. So much of my food is from scratch anyway, so I can afford a few processed, sodium filled ingredients.

America has had a massively overblown obsession with protein for the past few years, which I’d imagine comes from hustle-bro culture. I don’t love that, but meh. I think followers of this advice rarely see how many of their advocates don’t live much past the age of 60. I am aiming to make it at least a bit past that, so you know. Vegetables. Those seem pretty good.

Academics: I’m at the end of that Algebra course. I have a 97.1% right now. The final is 60 questions in 2 hours, not exactly proctored but with more restrictions than the previous exams, and while it is “open book”, I’d like to be a little less reliant on looking stuff up. . So I’m spending the better part of this week studying up. It’s funny, I had planned to finish this course at the end of this month as a fallback, thinking I’d easily be able to finish by the middle of April and even finish earlier at the end of March if I pushed myself. Well, I didn’t exactly push myself, so that’s a bust. Now I’m in the middle of April and I’m certain I could finish it like, today. But I’d rather give myself the best chance of a high score on that final. The other thing is that I need to make sure I’ve got the important parts on lock before I move on, and for how I tend to study, it’s best that I do that before closing the book on this class. ‘Cause I’ll just move on when it’s done, you dig?

I paused on filling out the FAFSA. Something confused me or maybe spooked me, I don’t exactly recall, when I last left off. That was before the busy weekend, which is why it isn’t coming to mind. Anyway, I don’t think I’m going to get much from the FAFSA itself, which I think might be what bumped me. But I’m remembering that I’m not actually trying for anything from the FAFSA itself, but rather that by finishing it, that opens up my ability to get scholarships and grants. So I’ll need to get back to that work this week.

You know what, I’m going to call it there.

Another late check-in this week. It’s weird how busy you can get regardless of the working situation. I have liked keeping myself busy with studying and projects. I’m not spending enough time on upkeep, and that needs correcting, though I do have a few fair excuses

Side note – I’m half paying attention to what I’m writing, which isn’t really a smart move… I should stop that. Anyway, what’s in my other ear is a Donut Media video about how everyone is driving bad. I do miss the old Donut, for sure, though I’m liking this current crew and it seems like they’re finally getting some creative leeway, but that’s not what this aside is about. It’s about one of the questions the host presents, which boils down to “how do we fix this problem?” The answer is trains. I mean, the answer is actually a system of a bunch of answers, but trains is a key part of the project. People get shitty about this answer because they worry that means they have to take the train and can’t have a car. Don’t get shitty and don’t get lock inside the identity you’ve crafted for yourself – this has never meant that you can’t have a car. I am a guy that likes driving so please take this argument in the good faith it is being given. As a guy that does really like driving, I don’t always want to drive everywhere and, more over, I’m also also sick of all the batshit drivers on the road. This is why trains, which is really a shorthand for increased and improved transit of all types across the country, and especially in our densest areas. Cities, obviously, but also regions like where I live. I live close to Baltimore but not close enough to be a part of its transit system, which is kind of hit or miss, if I understand correctly. DC’s metro, though much maligned, is actually pretty solid. But the suburbs and smaller cities are treated like little farm towns that have no need for transit save for a handful of busses, and that just ain’t so. We need an intermediary transit, which by the way exists all over Europe and Asia, to get between the commercial centers of our mini-cities at a minimum. It should be super easy to hop a few rails and get to any of these places, and we know we have the ridership because look at the traffic. But forget that, focus on the personal – More trains for people who can’t or don’t want to drive means less people you have to share the road with. It really is that simple. But no, you’re right, we shouldn’t change anything. Things are going great in this country.

Anyway, what was I doing? Right, checking in the week, which is going to cover everything from the last check-in on Wednesday, April 1st to now, Friday, April 10th.

Follow-ups: So I did end up buying a car, and it ended up basically being the one I wanted, albeit an older model with higher mileage than I’d been hoping. I got a 2016 Mazda CX-5 with a boatload of miles on it, though for a modern car in the Mid Atlantic, the mileage is actually pretty moderate. So I’ll just need to keep on top of maintenance and things’ll be fine. Grand Touring is the package, so AWD and very plush, minus some cosmic problems that probably helped me get it on the cheap. It’s my first AWD and my first moon roof. So that’s fun. I’m going to take what’s left of my budget and slap it back on my best performing index fund(s). Thus far, I’m pretty happy with my purchase.

There was some other stuff I wanted to follow up on… oh, right, there’s a bunch of stuff. I haven’t gotten to most, others will be in the regulars.

Fitness / Health: I am now certain that the medication I’m supposed to be taking but can’t get because of insurance problems is a major factor in my latest weight gain. However, I am also pretty sure that I don’t have to let it win, at least not entirely. I took an audit of my caloric intake, macros, exercise, and sleep and it was about as bad as I thought. Which is to say not really for any one factor on its own, but my system is pretty fragile these days. So I just gotta be more attentive about these things. Anyway, since restarting both running and more rigorous strength training, things have improved. Some with being a little more mindful of getting my proper fiber and staying under my upper calorie limit. I do think I’m going to spend a couple months, maybe the better part of the remaining year even, with some easier, more repeatable meals. Some real gym-bro meals, like the ol’ chicken and broccoli sad bowl. That’s a fun time. I do think that my cooking experience will help me boost those meals joyfulness without piling on too many extra calories. I mean, you can really make a meal with just a few spices and some creative combinations.

I had a physical scheduled for yesterday and was assured on their own check-in system that my insurance was valid. When I got there, I was told it isn’t. So no physical. So I’m still missing that drug and not about to get it anytime soon. I have initiated the process to switch to the provider that should work with all of my preferred doctors, but hell if I know at this point. I did, at least, confirm with this practice in person that they would accept it, and I got the same confirmation over the phone from my cardiologist. I guess I should make a quick call to my GI office just to make sure. I’m very annoyed by all of this, and I’m pretty sure that the low-level headache I’ve had for the past month or so is also from this insurance stuff. So that’s also super fun.

Academics: I finished the last unit test of my online Algebra course and all that’s left is the final. The final has different restrictions. It’s not quite fully proctored, but it is more locked down. That’s fine, because I’m planning to go in as prepared as I can be. I’m not going to take it at least until Monday, maybe later depending on how much time I carve out to study. On that front, the plan is to go back through all of my notes, touch at least a little on literally every topic the course has covered – maybe a full review of all tests I’ve taken in it

I’ve started my FAFSA and started collecting info on scholarships and grants to apply to. My brother lent a hand on that, which I appreciate. I haven’t started the community college enrollment, so I do really need to get on that.

What’s up now: Things really have gotten on top of me lately, and my weekend is pre-booked with a whole bunch of stuff. So I’m going to slow things down and focus in on just a couple of things for the rest of today and the free time I catch on the weekend. In fact, I’m making a list:

• Basic clean-up of my condo
• Sift through my mail pile
• Double-check all bills are caught up
• Re-pot my poor, sad orchid
• A handful of car updates
• Algebra Final Prep / Study
• Flutter Project Progress
• Re-finish my carbon steel pan
• Bass guitar kit progress
• Soldering kit progress
• Start House Maintenance Schedule
• Start Auto Maintenance Schedule
• Read (at least 30 minutes)
• Exercise
• College stuff – FAFSA, grants, enrollment, etc.

I may not actually have time for all of these, but that’s how it always goes. It’ll help to at least have a sketch of my plans.

Alright, I’m gunna go see if I can swap out some electronics in my new/used car, get that good mobile connection junk working. Have a good one, ya’ll.

I’m feeling a bit behind and also overwhelmed, and I need to check in how things are going. So let’s do that. This is not an April Fools post, by the way. I don’t think it looks like one, but it is the 1st, so just to be clear. Just a good ol’ fashioned existential crisis.

Follow-ups: My stolen car was determined not worth repairing, otherwise known as “a total lost” or just “totaled”. So I’ve agreed to a settlement for it with my insurance company. I got the advice to reject their first offer, but not only do I not know how to do that while guaranteeing a second, better offer, the first offer was frankly worth more than the car would ever be on the open market. The offer may well have been more than double what the car is actually worth, considering it has been sideswiped while stationary causing enough damage for a few weeks of repairs, then needed another couple of weeks of repairs to replace the shitty engine it had. Plus some minor cosmetics. Add in that it’s over a decade old, is a high theft-risk make and model, and a number of other problems. So I took it. It’s about $7k, which isn’t enough to just out and buy a solid replacement. The options I’m looking at are… well, actually, not bad. I do think I found a solid Corolla for like $8k, and those things last forever, so there is hope. Especially since the decent cars these days can easily last well into 200k-300k miles, I should be fine. But it’s a lot of stress and I need to wrap this situation up as soon as possible, because every day it isn’t is going to cost me money and risk worse prices. Then again, it may be that the used car market is about to collapse, and if I buy before that, I could be throwing money away. Wow, what a fun world we live in, huh?

Fitness & Health: I’m running more, which is great, but not getting as much strength training as I should. I’ve been pretty caught up in other life stuff, as evidenced by the previous and next topics, so I’m not going to beat myself up about it. But it stinks. I’d really like to get back to just getting it done. At least I seem to be getting back on track with this part of my life, so let’s take that win. I’m not sure where I am on weight. I clocked in on my scale as high as 250 lbs, but then immediately dropped to 245 lbs the next morning. I don’t know, man. I’d fall back on trends, which is the most reliable metric for my situation, but I haven’t really been keeping a consistent or regular log. I guess it’s past due to start that back up as well. Either way, as long as I keep this up and make sure to keep my intake in check, I should hit my goal of 220 lbs well before the year is up. If I get even close to that, I’ll be pretty happy.

Academics: I’m feeling the pinch of time pretty hard right now. I was looking at my progress so far, trying to work out a roadmap ahead of me, and considering options. I think this review was the gut check I needed, because it made me feel physically sick to my stomach. Maybe I’m over-correcting, but I’m feeling like I need to drop everything in my life that isn’t helping me get to this goal and just lock all the way in. Or maybe that’s exactly the correction that I need. I feel like I needed to have enrolled already and that even though I’m so skittish about my skills and ability to learn, I should have just already gotten in there and if I’m gunna fail, I should have failed already so I could get this ambition out of my system. I mean… that’s very fatalistic, but that’s the feeling I had.

Stepping back for a minute, I know things aren’t that dire. I can still do this. And I’m at the very end of this Algebra course, and doing pretty well. I need to lock in on that, finish it, do a good, solid run-up of Precalc and Calc I, and enroll in my local community college as soon as I can. And I need to talk to an advisor, sooner than later. Because at this point, I need to also lock in on the path, which is almost certainly Engineering. And that also makes me feel a little ill. It’s going to be so hard.

The thing is, a big part of my initial plan has to be abandoned. The old idea was more or less to get an IT or similar degree online for as cheap and quick as possible. That idea is probably my smartest one still, but I just can’t get motivated for it anymore. Losing my last job and reflecting on it over the past… I don’t know, year and change at this point, is it? Well however long it’s been, the only thing that makes me feel even more sick is to just take another job where my efforts are so diminished that I find it hard to even try. I worked so hard and I advanced, for sure, but it was so clear just how throwaway I was, and through my entire adult life, I’ve found myself doing so very little towards any of my own personal goals. Maybe I’d feel differently if I was being paid better. But I was really being paid just enough to keep me at the time.

I don’t know how to trust my gut on this, to be honest. At the risk of sounding like a petulant child, and perhaps I am one, but I feel stuck between programs that I’m not interested in and programs that feel too hard. The IT track would be so much easier, and I could do it so much quicker and for so much cheaper. Engineering seems like a really bad idea, though, because it’s so hard and I’m a busted middle-aged dork. I think the risk of this is really getting on top of me right now. I need to be very sure this is what I want to do, and if it is, I need to do everything that I can to make it happen. Because after investigating all of my options, it really is the closest I think I can possibly come to setting up the life that I actually want. I just wish I’d have ever had any clue along the way before this.

Moving on…: I’m feeling a bit out of sorts right now, but I’ve got a plan. For my next car, other than budget vs. initial cost, my main concern is reliability. I’d be more concerned with fuel efficiency, but my annual mileage is actually pretty low. I’m much more concerned with maintenance and repairs, though if I can get both, that’d be dope. So here are the cars I’m looking at, with the hybrid versions preferred where they exist and are affordable:

• Toyota Prius
• Toyota Corolla
• Honda Civic
• Honda Accord
• Toyota RAV4
• Honda CR-V
• Mazda3
• Mazda CX-5

The CX-5 is my top choice, but it means eating at least 6k out of pocket up front, because nobody is going to give me a loan despite my extremely good credit. And I really don’t want to eat that cost, but it does solve a bunch of other problems. If I can find a good Prius deal, that’s what I’ll probably do. But it’s tough to find one, the often referenced “Toyota Tax”, where the maker’s reputation helps cars hold value out of its previously renowned affordability. But Mazdas seem to have just as bulletproof engines, they keep their transmissions simple and don’t use turbos in these models. A Mazda3 would be cheaper, and is maybe tied with Prius, Corolla, and Civic for reliability. But a CX-5 would give me some additional practicality and some peace of mind. But I don’t know, it’s possible that none of these options are really open for me, so we’ll just have to see how things are, and hopefully I’ll get that payment real soon so I can just get it over with.

Other than that, I think my path is also pretty clear, at least in the immediate future:

1. Get a hold of my dang self, for corn’s sake.
2. Get the ball rolling on community college application
3. Do the FAFSA application
4. Investigate and get on top of all possible grants, scholarships, and loans
5. Start getting a feel for low-stress, low-time commitment income options
6. Clear out all things from my life that aren’t a part of my core needs.
7. I guess determine what those needs are, which means this should go above the other, but I don’t feel like reordering, so you get it.

What are those needs? Should I make another list? I don’t think I have one just yet, so let’s just… School, friends/family, fitness/health, funding my stupid life. I’m not giving up on music or projects, which I see at a minimum as part of my mental health strategy, and possibly part of my overall career strat. Especially some of those projects, many of which tie directly into subjects that I’m learning or planning to learn. Maybe that’ll be next week’s topic. Anyway, I gotta get back to it.

Busy couple of weeks. Let’s start with a follow-up, then my check-ins, and then what’s been up if I have time.

Follow-up: My stolen car has been found. It also seems to have been involved in a crime or time while away, other than just being stolen. But it seems like there wasn’t much damage, so with some hope I should have it repaired and returned to me any day now. Hopefully soon, because the rental I’m in now is busted. It’s a much newer Mitsubishi and the model itself seems fine, maybe even nice. I think it might qualify as a crossover or a small SUV, I’m not sure, but it’s very comfy and the modern amenities are great. But because it’s a rental, the alignment, tire balance, and who knows what else are just fucked. Getting up to speed means the whole thing shakes to all hell. I’m also very happy that I won’t have to buy a new car. I’m really not in the place for that right now. So dope.

Fitness/Health: I’m having a bit of a dispute with my insurance over a medication that I need to, you know, live. So hopefully I’ll get that cleared up soon. Also, I’ve become aware that I somehow managed to miss my annual physical all of last year, which ain’t great. So I’m scheduled to get one mid-April, and kinda hoping I can get in a little sooner. Fitness wise, I slacked a bit again last week, but at least kept up enough for maintenance. This week, I’m working on getting into a new “Spring” phase. I got in a walk that ended with a bit of a run, and that feels like a good start. Now I need to make sure I get in my remaining workouts for the week, and stay on top of my intake.

Academics: I have finished CS50x. And now there is a video of me. I’m going to link it here. So I’m pretty upset about that, but whatever. I didn’t have to take the class and I’ve known for a while that this would be how it would end. So alright, there we are.

In Algebra, I’m still working through my Exponential and Logarithmic Functions. I’m not finding these nearly as difficult as I have in the past, but also, I am taking forever. I do, however, think I should take forever. I’ve had so much trouble with these in the past, and I just know I gotta know ’em, right? So that’s the plan. The shit that’s up next is Series and Sequences, which I constantly see others complaining about, and I don’t remember doing at all. I’d love to finish Algebra this month, but I’m runnin’ out of month, and chunks of it are getting eaten up by other needs and obligations. So that’ll probably be mid-April.

I had plans to take a Python class, but I can’t find any that really meet my wants and needs. I might still do it, but I don’t know. I can find some for credit. I can find some that are online. I can find some that are self-paced. I can find some that are generally considered quite good. But I haven’t found one that hits all of those notes. It’s also come to my attention that, while I will likely want to use it in Engineering, I’m likely to learn what I need from other courses and don’t likely need a dedicated one. I’d already planned to continue my coding journey with some side projects and I think this will be a good place to get that fix for now.

I may find myself needing to enroll in actual school earlier than I’ve been planning, given that the vast majority of classes I’ll need seem to be considerably better in person. This bums me out. I was really hoping to save time and money on as many classes as possible, but I’m finding fewer and fewer potential courses that are actually available for-credit in the self-paced online format. I know there are other options, including self-study with testing, and I’m exploring those, but meh. Probably not good enough. Classes do exist for a few, and I’m planning to do as much Math as I can, possibly up through Calc II. I’m hoping I can pair Physics I with Calc I, and I was looking at a Chemistry course with Lab, but I’m hearing that might not be great. I don’t know. What else can I do that would count towards this?

Alright, last up, I might start check-in sections for music, projects, other stuff. I don’t know, but on the music front, I play with my friends most Sundays. And it rips. This last practice – yesterday – we had a guest. The guest is much better at guitar than me, at least in the genre that we’re moving into. And this is great news for me. I’ve been feeling extremely stuck and I’ve been both super into this genre but I’m also super anxious about doing it. Being able to play with him and watch his playing was great, and it’s melted a bit of that concern. His fingering and strumming were very crisp and clean, which is something I need to work on. Also, his understanding of keys and progressions is solid, which is another thing to work on. But just knowing that I have something to work on, especially since it so perfectly matches up with what I’ve been looking to work on, is great. But the biggest thing is that I could see up close and confirm my understanding of the play matches with what I saw with my own eyes.

Oh, um… Soul. I guess Neo Soul, because there’s like a helping of of Soul with a smidge of Jazz, a pinch of Blues, and a heaping scoop of Funk. The big revelation is how much of what he was playing was just identifying the key (which I do find quite difficult), finding the right chord progression, and then with that, just playing those chords and picking out arpeggios and solos within those chords and scales. If I pair that with some music theory, I should get there. Having something to aim for is a real help, though I now have to lock down a plan and then execute on it.

There’s other stuff going on, but nothing really worth getting into at this point, so we’ll leave it there. I’ll check in again next week, possibly earlier if I can find some time. I do have a few off-topic things I’ve been itching to get into. Keep it easy.