Things are busy and a little frantic, but mostly in a good way. It’s been a mix of academic, social, and administrative problems to solve. Having really dragged my feet on doing a more traditional college route has really caught up with me. I’ve been scrambling in this last minute to button up all of my classes, tuition, and generally shoring up whatever I could to help myself keep things on rails during this first semester. I’ve gotten some really great ego boosts from learning and from friends, yet I’m still having huge waves of feeling out of place and incapable. I’m feeling a lot like this whole endeavor is a very bad idea. That part of me that always feels like I don’t even want to start and that I should just back out now is clawing at my edges. I’m not going to back out. If I want to do what I want to do, I have to get started, and the time is now. I’ve never felt more like this is something I can do than I do now. So even though I can’t shake the feeling like I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m also pretty sure that as long as I just keep a handle on things, this’ll go alright.
Class starts in 15 days.
That’s a rough thought, but let’s go with what we know and follow the structure, shall we?
Follow-ups: I ended the last check-in with a good score on a math placement test but wasn’t able to sign up for the class that I thought I’d qualified for. The test I took turned out to be one of two mandatory practice tests before you could take the fourth test, which is the second and final one that counts. You cannot imagine what this did to my psyche. I twisted in the wind for the rest of that week worrying about why I couldn’t sign up for the class I need, figuring it out, having to hustle to retake the tests, feeling so close to barfing during each of them because they just kept throwing exactly the wrong questions at me, and then finishing and finding out I did just fine.
Let’s set the stage. After trying to dodge or find ways around the placement tests for Math and English, I finally realized that this was just how things were going to go. In preparing for the placement tests, I’d found out that each allow me to take them a second time if I didn’t qualify the first time. The English placement test went just fine on first try. I knew I wasn’t ready to qualify for placement in the Math test, but since I knew there would be a retest, I’d borrow from a previous plan and use it as a springboard to figure out my shortfalls and pain points, and then study up on those. So I took the first placement test.
76 out of 100. The cut-off for the class was 80. It completely gutted me to find out I’d missed the cut-off by just four points. The placement exam is administered through an online system with a sort of automated proctoring, letting you take it at home with a webcam and active microphone. It’s not my favorite, but it did alleviate some of the stress that I would have felt from having to schedule in person tests. It also turned out to be a great move because the exam proctoring is tied to a system that tells you how you did in the different areas of the test and helps you study up on them. this turned out to be a huge boon for me, and when I took the placement test for the second time, I did extremely well. I got a 98.
And then I waited. It should have been updated in the student’s credit planning section, but it wasn’t. I still couldn’t select that Calc I course that I needed, and it was driving me nuts. I went back to reread everything about this online proctoring system and found out that the two practice tests that I thought were optional weren’t and that they’d run exactly the same as the tests that counted. Not skip-able, not automatically picking up a score that maxes things out, just gotta do them. Plus a 25 hour cooldown between tests. And that clock was ticking. Classes were filling up and I’d just found out that they were going to stop allowing placement from the online system for the rest of this semester soon. Worst of all, I’d done so much practice on an extremely narrow band of problems that I wasn’t really sure where I was falling short, so I no longer knew what to study up on before the real test.
I was quickly losing confidence and the pressure was building, but man, all that studying really did pay off. The second practice test hit me with three questions in a row that I hadn’t seen in months, and I was rattled. But I slowed down, remembered that the test time was three and a half hours for just 25 problems, and decided that was plenty of time to just work it out. I got a 99.
the wait for the final test was nerve-racking. I took notes during the second practice run to keep tabs on what I needed focus on during the next downtime, and made sure to do exactly that. But then when I got to the final test, the one that would really count, it started with question that I’d never done. it STARTED like that.
A rectangular box with a half-circle inside of it. It wants the area of the space between them. And it only gave the length of one side, no other measurements. Fuck me, really? But slowing down had helped me before, and something I’d read from one of the books I’d been pouring through over the summer really clicked in that moment – just start listing what you do know. After looking at all of the pieces that you know, start trying to put together relationships. And then it occurred to me, with that one side’s length, they’d actually given me every measurement that I’d need. Because that scary half-circle was inside of the rectangle and because their edges touched, I could get every measurement just from the relationships, then just subtract the half-circle’s area from the box’s.
Then it gave me a rate problem, but a version I’d never seen before. Rattled again, I decided that I needed to slow down. I’d practiced everything, and everything so far, even the tougher trig stuff, even exponents and logarithms, they’d all come back to pretty much just good ol’ Algebra. Draw a diagram, list what you know, establish relationships. Work through the basics, remember how variables and equations work, and sub stuff out when you can. Check your work backwards and forwards and if the numbers don’t make sense, then it’s probably wrong. Don’t give up, just back up.
It was like this for most of this last test. In fact, I didn’t even get to any of the logs and Trig stuff I’d over-practiced for until near the end, and buddy when that shit came around, I was completely relieved. I soared right through that stuff, so quickly that even though I’d spent half an hour on the first problem alone, I finished the test in under 90 minutes and scored another 98.
A sudden wave of exhaustion flooded over me. and I became a little full of myself. I mean, I learned enough Trig over a few weeks to completely body this terrifying test. But the stress continued because even though I was out of tests and the system clearly said that I qualified for my intended course, the other side of the system still wouldn’t let me sign up. It would be a few days and a hopefully not too frantic email later before it would, and then some nerve-racking days of hoping I could make it past the wait list.
As of now, I have the two main classes that I wanted this semester registered – that English and Calculus I that I’d worked so hard to make. I’m pretty happy about that. I’m also trying to take Physic I, which requires a Lab class, and an Intro to Engineering Design. The three of those are all wait-listed, which is still driving me a little nuts. It’s not that I absolutely need to take them all this semester, but it makes everything line up a good bit better if I can. The Physics and Calculus classes are meant to go together. The Engineering intro is also a prerequisite to a bunch of classes, and it would be my first real exposure to the discipline, so I’m really hoping that I can get in.
I was also twisting in the wind about taking a sixth class this semester, because I’m afraid that if I don’t, I’ll get behind. I had read that a typical first semester for an Engineering degree is something like 15-18 credits, and the five classes that I have lined up would come out to like 14. But everyone I’ve talked to about it so far is like, nah dawg, you’re going to be plenty busy with those. Even an easy class could be over-doing it. Plus, I’m planning to take a class or two over the summer anyway, so presuming I’m not completely burned out by then, I’ll use that to do any catch-up I perceive that I still need.
Health/Fitness: I am now regularly running just under 2 miles without breaks. It’s not always perfect. I had a few days following some storms where humidity and pressure remained pretty high, and I just couldn’t. I had to keep slowing to a walk and huffing it out for a while. It’s surprising just how much more that effects me these days than it did when I was younger and fitter, but it’s alright. I’ve been hitting that near-2 mile multiple times each week, and a major piece of this puzzle is conditioning. I have to imagine that learning to deal with weather just is a part of this.
I’ve also continued adjusting my strength and resistance splits, adding in more calisthenics as I go. Burpies are still a son-of-a-bitch, but that’s more conditioning, so those stay. Crunchers and pushups are getting included in more and I’ve finally started trying to add in reverse inclines, if that’s what they’re called, because my pull-up game is still completely absent. I really don’t think I’m going to make that goal this year, but I’m happy that I’ve at least gotten started towards it.
Academics: Aside from the extended, academics focuses follow-ups, what’s left for the summer is mostly administrative. I’m going to spend the rest of the open time I have split three ways: 1) previewing my upcoming classes, 2) wrapping up whatever personal affairs I may be able to, and 3) getting some dang rest.
The preview list is thankfully short, especially since I don’t even know what could be in that Intro the Engineering class. Though I’m going to spend some time reading a few books on the on what I think will be related topics, watch some videos going over various fields, and maybe take some time working on some of the projects that I’ve left hanging for the past month or so. I think I don’t need a preview on English and Physics takes a lower priority to Calculus, given some feedback I’ve gotten regarding them all. Honestly, most folks are telling me to just take it easy for a while, but I just can’t leave the time entirely leisure. I feel like I just need to get ahead before things even start, and be ready to feel behind as soon as it does.
Social: Most of my social problems these days aren’t really “problems”. It’s mostly that I’m trying to be an overall better person, and in my relationships, that means maintaining the ones I have, repairing those I’ve damaged, and opening up to some new ones in a somewhat-but-not-too strategic ways. You know, I have the capacity in my heart, and there is definitely a utility in having those relationships, but I’m still learning how to manage that part of my time. So let’s not overdue it.
Next Time: 15 days.
I still haven’t gotten my oil changed or done my emissions test. I still need a haircut. I still have a zillion little projects open. I still haven’t caught up on my music practice and homework.
I should play a video game. And juice what summer I have left to spend some time with friends. Speaking of which, I need to get ready for some anime cosplay rave. It does mean being social, so I’m quite anxious about it. But it should be a good time.