Category: Blog

I’ve been busy, though not so much that I can’t be making my weekly check-ins I’ve intended for Mondays. But I’m not. Anyway, I can still check in this week’s progress.

Health & Fitness: I’m feeling pretty good. My vitals have been pretty good and while my weight loss hasn’t resumed, I do seem to have begun rebounding from the extra Winter weight. I do have a few things I need to do and am dragging my feet on – I need to pick a few new doctors due to change in insurance, I need to do some maintenance (and maybe repairs) on my cheap walking pad, and I need to get back to consistency on a routine. I guess I need to establish a routine, first, but that’s never really been the way things work for me. I tend to sort of try things out and let the successes of my trial and error settle in. But let’s log some wins, not the least of which that I’ve been regularly (though still not consistently), getting back on my workouts. I’ve been walking almost every day for the last week and change and started getting out of bed closer to my intended wake-up time. Both of these are extremely useful for the rest of my life, and they even help each other. So that’s dope.

Academics: I’m about halfway through my Algebra class, and I’m doing pretty well. I most definitely still need some work. I’m still making some of the same dumb mistakes, usually sign-tracking or typos/copy mistakes. Really not great. Also, on the latest test I took, the biggest mistakes I made came from feeling rushed when I actually finished with some time left. I am pretty sure I know the solve for these and the rest of my problems, and that’s more practice. Which I am doing, but you know. Time sucks.

I’m also still not yet done with CS50. I have basically finished my Final. It’s rad, though in comparison to some of the projects other students turned in, mine is a little weak. But checking around, it seems like mine should be plenty, as long as I explain in my README and submission video how it works. I am really resisting making that video. I’ve had off-and-on thoughts of doing to youtubing that I always end up not following through on because it does kinda freak me out. In this case, most of that trepidation is tempered by being able to upload to an unlisted video, and I don’t think I actually have to show my face on it. Though I think I will show my face, I mean, might as well if it’s both unlisted and me showing off some work, right?

Other Projects: Have I talked about my other goings on in a while? I don’t think so. My friends and I have been playing music together for what we think has been about a year now. It’s been really rad, and we’ve all gotten much better. But also, I’m still not great, and we’re still not actually playing full songs just on our own. Given that my bandmates are basically coming from zero and we’re all self-taught, I suppose that’s still pretty good. But now we’re all interested in locking in, which is also rad. I’m more than ready for this.

A sub-project of this has been rigging up a pedal board. This is another thing that I’ve been off-and-on working on for some years, but this year, it’s actually a reality. I have a working and basically complete pedal board right now. I say basically complete because there are a few things left to work out. The main outstanding thing is dialing in settings on my pedals. And there are so many pedals. Next up is some rigging – all of the pedals but one are attached to the board with that ol’ hook and loop stuff and it’s all wired and cabled up, but I need to secure what’s left that’s loose. And the pedal that’s not secure is my Crybaby Wah, which is kind of always broken. I mean, I have it working(-ish) right now, but man… was that main switch always so stiff and shitty? Also, the bottom has them rubber feets, which complicates things. I could pick up a bottom plate that’s made for this sort of thing, and they’re less than like $20, so I really should. But you know. I don’t wanna. And anyway, I do still think I’m going to crack it open to see if I can do anything about that switch and maybe do some maintenance on that pot. But it’s not crackly, so that’s pretty dope.

Also, now I’m trying to learn how to play Funk. I love Funk, but rarely listen to it, and have never played it. And now that I’m trying, I’m realizing that I’m pretty bad at it.

Also, I can’t sing. I mean, I can sing, and I love singing, but I’m bad at it, and when I try to improve, I feel extremely self conscience, which does the opposite.

I should really get back on finding a new therapist, huh?

Well, alright, I’m going to try and get a little guitar practice and some reading in before I wind down for the night, so I’m going to cut it off here. Is anyone’s Crybaby Wah not at least a little bit broken?

As I approach the end of Winter and the transition into Spring, I am finding it a little easier to get back on track.

Health & Fitness: So I lost a few pounds, which is great. I’m still up a few from my lowest, which is also fine, and expected, but you know… I can admit that I’m a little bit salty. Just a quick recap – at the end of last year, I got down to abut 239 lbs. Over January and the beginning of February, I got up to 246. I expected some weight gain, but I was not happy about that 7 pounds. On the other hand, I think it helps me reset expectations for next year – prepare for a winter season where I could gain 5-10, and that’ll be fine. Anyway, I’m back down to 243, which I feel a lot better about. I do think that some of this is a medication issue, since I had a switch in some meds and an unscheduled break for a few days from some others. Not my favorite, but that’s the US medical system for you.

Academics: Algebra continues to move forward. I’m feeling more and more comfortable with it, and I think I’m now better at it than I ever was. However, that’s not really a huge comfort for me, but rather a confirmation that I didn’t really understand it when I was young. Though I’ll say, I feel significantly stronger when it comes to fractions, quadratics, exponents, and complex numbers. But I’m not effortless with them yet, and I think I need to be. Related, there are still a few spots where I’m not just inefficient, I’m genuinely struggling. Applications are the big key, because that’s not just the math, that’s the intuition and understanding, and those are going to be what matters in other classes and the real world, especially if I do keep leaning Engineering. For my computer science jazz, I finished my final project… then I looked at some other ones and felt mine is inadequate and decided I needed to upgrade this thing. It’s not that mine was significantly under the expectations, in fact I believe it met them. But I can do better and, more importantly, I’m pretty sure there are some features and functionality that graders are looking for, and some of those are pretty obvious for my project. I also think I could have wrapped those upgrades in like, two pretty dedicated days. But instead I’ve only really dedicated one day, and keep chipping at the rest of the stuff in these smaller sessions, which end up adding time because I need to reset and fix up little mistakes I’ve made in previous sessions. Very annoying. And that also leads me to today’s topic.

On my mind this week: Aaronproofing was a concept I had years ago, the idea of recognizing some of my little shortfalls and setting up guardrails that kept me from stepping on the same rake over and over. Sometimes you just gotta recognize a thing you do as a trend, and then address it. Maybe. But if you want to You-proof a thing, you gotta G.I. Joe that shit first, because knowing is half the battle. So a trend I’ve noticed in myself that I don’t love is how I’ve come to treat my Mondays. And it sucks.

In my last month, I started to reorient my life around the job, but in a way that really started to work for me. Like, I got real good at that shit, and part of it was setting each entire week up on Monday. I’d come into work on Monday, ready to rock and with a full head of steam, and then I’d use that motivation to set up all of my work projects, make all of my appointments, just get everything that I needed done or ready to be done right then. It made the whole rest of the week so much easier, and I’d just get shit done like I never had before, and frankly, haven’t since.

And I’m not doing that these days. I find myself waking up late, listing around, and dragging my feet on basically everything. This has been particularly acute the last few weeks, compounded by my ongoing seasonal difficulties, which I think is why I’m noticing it so readily. But some level of this has actually been happening for the better part of a year at this point. I did get a bit more done this Monday than the last couple of weeks, which I suspect is also a part of the seasonal shift, but the problem still exists. Anyway, I’ve recognized it, so hopefully I can now do something about it.

The getting up on time has been the toughest, and that started following my hospital stay a few years back. It’s possible that this just has to be the new me, because it’s true that I just don’t recover like I used to. That’s also an age thing, but I know plenty of old folks that get up at the crack of with little to no issue. The thought I’ve been having today, which I have to imagine is going to prove rather naive, is that I just need to start doing it. That’s it. Set the alarm at the hour I want, and get the fuck up when it goes off. Doesn’t matter if I slept poorly or still feel tired or can sleep in. I’m circling a thought here, and I don’t feel like editing, so I’m just going to write what I’m thinking and that’ll be that. So much of what I’ve succeeded at came from the notion of just doing it. To do it – you do it. That’s it. And I feel like this is one of those. Like, it seems like I really did need the rest, and whether or not I do still, rhythms are rhythms, and mine needs resetting. Some resets are best in measured, careful phases. But I think this one is more like a bandage or cold pool – just do it. I think if I can, and then keep it up for a week or so, I’ll reset my rhythms and it won’t be so hard to get up any more.

Well that’s the idea, anyway. I’m not entirely committed, which really is the enemy of success. So we’ll see, and I’ll report back if I can remember. In the meantime, keep it easy.

I need to log a quick check in because I skipped a week and am already a day late this week.

Fitness: I feel like I’ve gained a few pounds, but my weigh-ins are showing it more or less static. We’re getting close to the end of winter, which I’m already lamenting, but must admit that my health would benefit from the season change. I have gotten some exercise in, but it’s definitely not enough. I’m also going a little harder than I should on late night snacking. I think this might also be a seasonal thing, to be honest, I kinda think the winter changes my cravings, for lack of a better description. Anyway, I guess the season is getting to me.

Health: My insurance change is already proving to be a huge pain in the ass. I will need to find a new Cardiologist and Dentist, and I have a feeling that this isn’t the end of it. I picked the MCO that I did because the signup tool made it clear they were the only one that covered my current primary care, but my primary care is connected to the same root that my cardiologist is, and that system don’t take this. So I suspect they don’t take it either, so I’ll need another one of them. Now I’ll have to take a big chunk of at least one day to try and sort all of this shit out. The health care provider that I want would cover all of them, but isn’t currently available to sign up for. I would prefer to just coast and just, I don’t know, not go to a doctor for a few years, but given my health problems, that’s not an option. I can’t remain healthy and perhaps cannot live without medication any longer. So I am now being punished for the crime living. Yes, this is a very fair system with real Christian values, isn’t it.

Academics: I’ve finally made it to my final project in CS50, which I’m also already mostly done with. I didn’t do great on the second problem in Week 9, and since this class allows infinite resubmits, I think I might try to clean up that project and see if I can get a better grade on it. But I’ve done really well with all of the other projects, so I’m not really sweating it too hard. After that, the plan is to line up a Python class, but I want one that offers college credit, is online and self paced, and is still actually useful, and I’m having a bit of a hard time squaring that. You know what? I should check some forums. I bet someone’s asked this on reddit or something. I’m also thinking about other coding classes, but I think the main stuff I’ll need for any of the potential careers I’m considering are Python, SQL, and then specialty stuff that I’m going to need to pick up there anyway. Maybe I should see if those forums have some suggestions on picking areas of focus as well.

I’ve been working my way back through Algebra, and it’s going well. But I’ve still not internalized the pace of this whole learning thing, so I always feel like I’m going too slowly. I do keep making silly mistakes, which is tough, because those build and compound and often prevent other stuff from sinking. But you know, that’s how it goes. I do feel like I’m on the upswing with it, though, because I’ve been doing problems very regularly. Like most days, almost every day. I’ll usually get a few problems wrong, and almost always because of those dumb mistakes, but there have been some huge successes. I already feel so much more comfortable with fractions and exponents. I had some real revelations with some factoring that I thought I understood, but I really didn’t. Other then doing enough problems to really lock those in, I’m mostly still worried about logarithms. I understand them conceptually, and I’ve done a few, but I’m just still really uncomfortable with them. I need a strong breakdown and walk back through of the rules.

After that, I think I’ll do an abbreviated, personal, non-credit Pre-calc. This will depend on just how bad my Trig is, which I’m worried it may in fact be very bad. But if I can catch up quickly, that would be great, and I could hurry up and get into that Calculus that I’m so worried about. And when I’m comfortable with my pace in both the math and coding, I’ll pick up the other classes I’m looking at for this “simulated semester” I’m doing in my run up to real college.

Speaking of seasons, I’ve been thinking about seasonality. I’ve had the thought in the back of my head for some time and, not wanting to fall into an “appealing to the ancients” logical fallacy, I’ve largely resisted the idea that our modern human lives are seasonally locked. I still believe this, as many people live more or less a-seasonally and are successful and happy. But I think I could use some real seasonality in my own life. I’ve been viewing this phase of my life as building to the life that I want, or am at least comfortable with. A big part of that is the not-job part, and I’m increasingly thinking that both the job and not-job parts would benefit from seasonal distinctions. Like given this year’s experiences, I think I need to change my next year’s winter expectations and plans to both accept that winter is just a bit of a fitness dip, but also make it easier for myself to take care of my health on a winter diet. I think reorienting other aspects of my life to seasons would support this as well. Like if I can make my winter work load a combination of physical work to keep the blood flowing paired with some real book-shit so I can enjoy the weather next to a fire, I think that’d really set my soul about right.

Alright, it’s late and I don’t think I’m making much sense. I’m out. Have a good one and keep it easy.

It’s been a bit busy for me. I mean, not really, I don’t work. But you know, busier than it’s been for me. I’ve got a minute now, so I want to get my check-in… in.

Fitness remains relatively static, which is quite nice. I was really expecting to gain a bunch of weight and lose a bunch of my gains over the winter and, well, I guess the winter ain’t over. I have been dragging on workouts, to be honest, so jury’s still out. I skipped all of last week and have only gotten in one so far this week. I am pretty sure I’ll miss tomorrow as well, so maybe I’ll make a point of it for Friday and the weekend. Speaking of which, I have a pasta themed birthday party to attend this weekend, so I really should be getting in some steps. Gotta stave it off, one, two, three. And now you can count to three.

Health wise, it’s basically same-same, though I continue to lose access to my preferred doctors because of insurance and because we live in hell.

Academically, I do in fact have something good to report – I have finished my Intro to Stats class. I got a 95%. I’m feelin’ pretty good about that, though any moment I start feeling cocky about it, I remember that it was open book. But you know… still counts.

Okay, so up next. I’m still working on the CS50x, currently on Week 9. Two problems in this set and I’m basically done with the first. There was a server error when I was cleaning it up, so I haven’t been able to submit it just yet. I’m pretty sure I have something wrong with it, but it should be easy enough to fix once I actually sit down and work on it. I haven’t started on the second problem, and I’m hoping it’s not too involved. But I do have a plan for the final project, and I’m pretty excited to jump into that. If I can keep my plan together, then I should be done with this intro to Computer Science class in a couple of weeks.

I’m revisiting my ongoing Algebra efforts, this time with an actual plan for credit and a whole lot more help. I’m throwing everything I can at it, because I am goddamned determined to come out of this class not just passing it, but being fluent in the language of Algebra. And if I can’t, then we reevaluate what I can do, but I will. And when I do, I’ll reevaluate to get more specific which path to follow. It’s feeling more and more Engineeringly, but… that Math really scares me. And I’m in my dang 40s, should I really be pursuing an Engineering degree at this age? All of my smart friends who returned as adult students were practical about it, and went for like, IT and Computer Security degrees. Those are doable with very tangible outcomes. My plan seems like a real dumb gamble, but you know, I’m always just doin’ me. And this could give me a chance to develop the skills I’ve been craving, stuff that gives me the ability to finish the projects that I get most excited for. One positive in this corner is I keep getting confirmation on the work from people whom have done it, that it’s just a skill like any other, it’s just harder to fake it. Talent or no, there is no substitute for doing the work. I had lunch with my Dad today and he gave me some advice that I think is pretty good, which I’ll summarize as, “Math is every day.” So maybe that’s what I need right now.

As I move forward, I’ve decided to treat the next few months like a sort of “simulated semester”, where I’m going to try and work these classes like school is my full time job, which it kind of is. And I’m going to take a heavier course load, and start incorporating more and more of the habits of highly successful learners. Some of them match up with habits I had to develop in work, so that’s nice. The current plan is to sign up for in person classes at my local community college come August, with a possibility of signing up as early as May, depending on how things are going by mid-April. I think I’m getting pretty eager to actually do some in person classes, though my anxieties and apprehensions are still rather strong.

Let’s talk other classes on the block. I’ve previously studied Economics, a couple of times actually, but none for credit. I think it’s time I revisited that, this time for credit. I think study.com has the best program for self-paced, for-credit online, but I’m still thinking about it. I really wish there was an easier path through stuff like OCWs, which I am already familiar with, but I don’t see one. They’re great if I don’t care about the credits, but now I do. Either way, I don’t want to make that move until I’ve finally wrapped CS50. I guess that’s true for everything on the block accept for the other math stuff, which is the only clear path I have right now. The math stuff goes about like this – finish Algebra, do some Pre-Calc, then it’s Calc I – III. I am told that I’ll want to take II & III in person, which seems reasonable to me. I’m considering Chemistry I, though I get the feeling that I’ll want to have Algebra finished for it, so maybe that should wait. Python is the obvious follow-up to CS50, and that might be the top choice. I have so many reasons to take it, and given my hobbies, sooner seems smart.

I need to get a look at a few typical syllabus…syllabi? That can’t be right. I need to see what classes I need to take for the various programs that I’m considering, to make sure I hit what I need without causing myself problems. For instance, I have an Intro to Nutrition course that I’ve started and looks easy enough, so I plan to finish that in my lighter hours. I think I’ll need the credits, and it may be that I can’t handle a full load of tough classes. I would have to guess that food science gets pretty tough, but an intro to nutrition just can’t be from the windows to the walls. But if it’s more difficult than I expect and if it’s not a useful credit for my area of study, then I shouldn’t be wasting the time or money.

I feel like some of my other interests and hobbies should also be able to integrate, like some art classes so I can get better at sketching (if ME is the path), pottery could give me insights into manufacturing, I’m sure I’ll have to take some kind of CAD course, right? I should get a better idea of what differentiates the specialties, shouldn’t I?

Alright, it’s late. I’m hungry. I need to wrap up and watch that Fallout finale. Have a good one and keep it easy.

Legit snowfall in the mid-Atlantic this weekend, which as the rare 40-something who likes that shit, I’m in a pretty good mood. And there is already news of possibly more snowfall, potentially a major storm. So that’ll be fun. For me. And nobody else.

Health & Fitness: More or less static. I knew I wouldn’t be making any real gains on the weight loss front during this season, and I’m pleased that I don’t seem to be losing ground. More over, the parts that I haven’t measured (some that can’t and others I’m just not interested) seem to be improving. I haven’t been very consistent with my updated lifting routine, but I have been keeping up with it enough to feel some changes. I feel a little stronger, a little less winded with harder movements, and I guess just a little fitter in general. Like, I think my clothes fit better, and I continue to see slow improvements on some of my highlights, like getting them shoulders back. Other than my latest good news on my liver, that’s basically it.

Academically: Also a bit of the same, though worth reporting a smidge. The push to focus in and really do the reading and practice worked. I got totally stuck in the first parts of Hypothesis Testing for days, maybe weeks. It sucked. I couldn’t even understand what the point of it. As I started to understand the meaning, I couldn’t figure out the analysis. As I kept pushing to understand the analysis, I got stuck not being able to work out the math. It didn’t help that the math sometimes skips the actual math of it, which is nuts. Or maybe I just missed it, honestly, that seems likely. Anyway, hammering against it really did help, and I actually think I understand the whole dang thing now. And I did pretty good on the section test. Now I’m in the next parts of Hypothesis Testing, and I’m not finding it nearly as difficult. And that feels great.

I didn’t finish my html homework for CS50, but I did make some genuine progress. Right now, I need to just wrap up a few pages, clean up a little code, check my work, and call it good. I can definitely finish that this week, though I’d like to finish it like… tomorrow. That’s probably not going to happen, but I’m close. Very close. I’ve also started watching the lecture for Week 9, and am already deeply into it. I haven’t finished the first half, and it’s already answered a whole series of questions that I had from the last problem set, including some that I’ve had for years and years. I have to say, this stuff is sort of revitalizing my enthusiasm for the whole project. And that also feels great.

We’ll see if I feel the same next Monday, but that’s it for today.

Yesterday was MLK jr. Day, which is still a holiday in the US. I keep expecting our present shit leadership to cancel it and/or concoct a reason to replace it with their own birthdays. But it seems to have survived another day, so I guess let’s call that a victory. Have I gotten into my political leanings on this blog? Is it obvious if I haven’t? It is a personal blog, so I suppose I should at some point, but usually when I sit down to pop in my Monday check ins, I’m just not interested.

Left, in case it matters. Been pretty left for most of my life, and everything I learn and every experience I have always reaffirms that, though some do give me good reason to more deeply examine those leanings and the values that drive them. This moment in our country’s overall existence has been extraordinarily strange. But today, like most other days, I really don’t want to get into.

Let’s do the main checks, then maybe chat about something else.

Academia: I’ve tightened up my learning plan to try and finish my two lingering courses as soon as possible. I had initially planned to make it by the end of the month with room for that to spill over into February, and it is seeming more and more like February will be the target. But I do feel much better about my chances of finishing them at all. I’ve been stuck in Stats on Hypothesis Testing and finally convinced myself to do the thing that I’ve slacked off on since probably my Junior year in high school ever, which is to actually buckle down and study the thing from every possible aspect until I actually get it. You know, I generally try to avoid using extremely elder-millennial-coded blog tropes, like excessive ellipses, comedy strike-throughs, and mountains of em dashes, but I felt this was a good one, so we’re stickin’ with it. Anyway, I did the reading (and am still doing it, ’cause there’s more to go), did a bunch of practice, and even leaned on some internet stuff like youtube, google, free math lessons, and even AI. I don’t even like AI or think that it’s actually AI. But I also think that, if it weren’t torching down a lake every time you run a query, this is the sort of thing that I think these LLM and similar technologies would be perfect for. If we set things up the way I’m using it (is that a brag?), then I would actually think it’s a great idea to have them in classes. To have a personal teaching assistant for each and every student to do press with endless “why, why, why” and have it never tire or snap would, I think, be absolutely clutch.

Also, I finally settled on my homepage project for the CS50 class, I just haven’t finished executing on it. I think I’ll spend more time on that tomorrow. Maybe a bit tonight, if I can give that to myself. I’d really like to wrap it up and get started on the next problem set.

Fitness: No real changes, other than to log down that I’ve been slacking a bit on both my exercise and watching my intake. So this is sort of a note to my future self as to why I’ve been in a bit of a holding pattern this season.

Health: I’ve been feeling a bit swollen lately, which probably means I’m having a little edema episode, if that’s how I should refer to it. I don’t think this one is entirely natural, and I’d guess this is more related to my fitness update – not getting enough exercise and getting slightly too much salt. But whatever the cause, I’m going to take some of the powerful diuretics I’ve been prescribed for exactly this, which means I’ll be visiting the bathroom a lot more than I already do, which is already too much. There is more bad news, but not in my actual health, rather with health insurance. This year I’m on Medicaid, though I’m already regretting it, because my cardiologist doesn’t take the MCO I picked. I did not want to pick this MCO, which is like, the provider company, I guess. I think the one I picked is otherwise fine, but many of my preferred doctors only take one MCO, which is the one that is currently not available. Health insurance in America is a fucking joke and any asshole who defends it is either a dipshit or a fuckstick, likely both.

But that’s the end of the bad news, my health in general seems to be doing quite well. Though the fitness part is currently static, that’s frankly good compared to my past, especially since I’m lighter and fitter than I’ve been in literal years, possibly decades, heart and liver not withstanding. The good news comes from my GI following an ultrasound and some blood work. Now let’s not get it twisted, my liver is still hot garbage. It is heavily scarred, so I need to give it every chance I can and avoid all of my favorite poisons, but it is apparently otherwise working again. When I was hospitalized at the beginning of 2024, that was not the case. It was so busted and nonfunctional that they were pretty sure they’d have to replace it. So hey, that’s great news! He, the gastro doctor, also recommended stopping one of my medications, which I would love. However, I think my heart doctor wants me to keep taking it, so I’m going to need to check with… well, they don’t take my insurance anymore, so I guess maybe my GP can answer that. I don’t know, there is a lot to figure out. Extremely annoying all of this is, but at least I got some really great news. Things are getting better, slowly but surely.

This post feels a little rushed and slap-dashed, but I still think I’m going to squeeze a little more studying in tonight, so that’s just how it’s going to be. Anyway, that’s what’s up this week, keep it easy.

My Health and Fitness update today is static. No real change. I suppose I could talk about my healthcare situation, but I really don’t know what it is just yet. I’m on Medicaid, which I think might really suck, but I guess I’ll find out soon.

Academically, I haven’t had much progress either. The decision I made at the end of last month to focus almost entirely on my English Comp I. turned out to be a good choice. So this month, I’ve decided to only spend time on my Stats and Computer Science stuff and nothing else.

I think I’m over the halfway point in my Stats class, but the way it’s stacked up and paced, I’m not really sure. I’m at least halfway, which is good. Wherever I am now, the difficulty curve has definitely increased. Not so much that I don’t think I can do it, I most definitely can, and will. But I need to spend more time actually working on it. The big thing I’m doing now in that class is splitting my time between revising previous lessons while trying to get my head around the next lessons. Revising, a term I’m borrowing from British student traditions (and am not sure I’m using correctly), is basically a targeted review of lessons, trying to figure out which areas I need work on, and then focusing on them. You know, when I actually state it this cleanly, it seems like a pretty obvious thing to do. But you know, it’s not something I’ve ever really done. Pair that with another thing that I’ve known about and often skipped is doing the actual reading. Especially in Math classes, I would just skip right over the reading, expecting to understand the material from the lecture, which I likely also didn’t pay attention to. I mean, there was a time when that did work for me, and then I’d have a bunch of time to play or slack off, so you can see how I got into this pattern. It’s kinda wild how hard it is to develop this habit as an adult, but this, too, is possible.

Anyway, that’s working, but I continue to feel pretty slow at it all. It’s been about four months, maybe more, since I started this Stats class, which I’m pretty sure is longer than a traditional, in person class. I don’t know if this bit of knowledge encourages or deters me from enrolling in an in person class, but it definitely has me feeling a way.

Likewise, I’m way behind on that CS50, which I know I’ve mentioned before. Probably a couple of times, really. I think this is similar, but it took me months to even figure out that there were other materials, or to internalize lessons of process. I’m still working on process, to be honest. One of the books I’m reading now is about that exactly, trying to develop an ongoing framework for problem solving. Developing that skill makes me wonder how I ever got anything done in my life before.

So CS50 is broken up into 10 weeks. Is a semester really just 12 weeks? Fuck, man, that hits hard. Anyway, each week has a core lecture, some additional lectures or short reviews, a few practice problems, and at least one but perhaps several assignments to actually turn in. Except for the last week, which I think might just be the lecture and final project, though I’ll be sure to check before getting myself in too deep. It took me way too many weeks into this project to learn that there was so much help to go off of – I really just thought it was the lecture and the assignments. Given that this started with the programming language C and I also thought that I couldn’t find any help elsewhere, it’s no wonder that it’s been taking me so long. It wasn’t until near the end of my work on Week 6 that I learned there was even more available in the form of notes from the lectures, all of which highlight the most important parts of the lessons and some seem to actually add in more information. I keep expecting to stumble upon even more reading that I’ve missed, which would really help tie this whole thing together, but I haven’t yet.

I’m on Week 8, which is all web stuff – html, css, and javascript. I have had experience with each, but very limited. This week only had one practice problem, which I did work on but slacked a bit on. It was good practice, and if I had more time, I might enjoy luxuriating on it. But I really wanted to get moving on the actual assignments, so I didn’t linger. I moved onto the assignments, of which there are two of for this week, pretty quickly. The first was easy enough, though did also take me some time. I’ve found myself a bit stuck on the second problem, which is to create your own website. I’ve found myself stuck on this problem, not because I’m not capable of doing it or that any particular things escapes me, although there are a few elements I’ve considered including that are rather ambitious for a simple school project. Rather, I find myself mired in the ideation phase. I’ve landed on the idea of redesigning one of my actual, existing websites, possibly this one, though I’m currently leaning on fixing up cookiesandramen.com, which is extremely busted on mobile. But whichever I go with, I can’t seem to settle on a design. The good news is that this has given me quick a fair bit of practice with html and css, and I think I’m finally getting the hang of them both. The downside is that I keep landing on designs that would take way too much effort, and I haven’t put in any practice on javascript, which is required to pass. I don’t even know what I’m going to do with it, though I suppose I can do as it seems most other students do, and lean on the crutch of having javascript handle the contact page.

As an additional positive, I think I already know what my final project is going to be. Though come to think of it, I don’t know what the actual parameters of that project are… maybe I should give that a preview before I get locked in.

I should post some of my process stuff up here at some point. That’d be fun, right?

I don’t know, it’s late and I’m tired, so I’m gunna wrap it for today. Keep it real, but not too real.

I just had a steak wreck my entire day and I’m not even mad about it.

My Mom and her husband took me out to lunch at a restaurant here in town that I am really growing to like. This does have a fair bit to do with them just having foods that I can fit into my low sodium needs. This includes a prime rib, my favorite cut of steak. It only comes with a side of green beans, but given my recent health needs, that’s plenty. Oh, it does come with both au jus and a creamy horseradish sauce, which probably cuts more into my sodium limit than I should let it, but… I’ve been risking it and haven’t had any problems yet, so hey, shut up. I also got desert, a very tasty Key Lime Pie, and the combination of calories really did me in. I got basically nothing done after that. It is nearing 9 PM now and, despite skipping dinner, I still feel pretty full while writing this.

The last week turned out to be pretty busy and I haven’t really made progress towards or lost any from any of my goals. It’s not like I completely slacked off or anything, I just had other things that needed tending. So no updates on my academic, fitness, or health lives today.

I’ll dip a little into my romantic stuff, though, which has been a little weird. I updated some pictures on the various apps and got more likes in the past week than I think I’ve had in the entire time I’ve been using them. I’d be optimistic about that, but I am very suspicious of these likes. Most aren’t very nearby and those that are seem pretty out of my league. I also trimmed a lot out of my bio, because I get the impression that if women see a long bio, they don’t read it, they don’t skip it, they just swipe away immediately. I suppose that’s fair, but whatever the reason, it seems that I should respond in kind. Now I have a couple of conversations going and I don’t know what to do with them. I kinda just want to ask them out to something, but this seems like a massive gamble. The aggregate of dating advice, both in person and online, is confusing and deeply unhelpful. Some say that’s the first thing I should say – skip any hellos or empty small talk, and just go right to, “Let’s meet up at this place on that day.” I think this might not be great advice, but I plan to get myself to a place where that is exactly what I will do. Why I’m not there yet is that I don’t know where and I’ve got some concerns about the whens. Also, while I’m not struggling for money, I’ve got to make what I have stretch, and I’m still pretty near the very beginning of my journey.

So I think this is going to be a more formal project for me. Not the dating, although I suppose that as well to at least some degree. But rather, I need to start figuring out places to go and things to do. Ideally, it should be things that I’m up to anyway, so I’m getting out more even without a date. It would be good to have more non-bar oriented outings with my friends, and there are things that I want to check out. I also need to get a better handle on places that I can eat, and what I can order there. I need a good variety of chains and local joints, different cuisines, price levels, and types in general. I have no idea how many dates I’m expecting to go on. Oh, that’s not true, I know exactly how many I expect to go on – zero. But I do hope to go on at least a few, and even if I could afford it, I don’t think I’d want to take them all to this one place where I like the prime rib. Frankly, I think a coffee date might be ideal, though I guess I need to update my understanding of those rules as well. That is not a prospect that I love, but whatever, I can worry about that after I get the non-dating-specific parts figured out. Stuff to do and places to go about town and some regular places nearby. Is this going to cost me a lot? It seems like it might. I think I might need to figure out the income part sooner than later as well. Hey, how ’bout museums? Those are free, right?

I don’t know, I still can’t think straight following big lunch. I need to go lie down on the couch.

I’ve been having a bit of a moment in this last year. Things have been on the upswing in a way that I haven’t felt in many years, and to a degree that I don’t think I’ve experienced ever. I regularly talk about myself and my life pretty negatively here, and that’s likely to continue, as “sad” is my default state. But as I experience more of some of my favorite parts of life, it regularly dawns on me just what parts of my life have been and are now quite good. Taking time to detach myself from work and reengage with… well, myself is only possible because of my past work and cleverness. Not singularly, of course, every part of this has also been influenced and often made possible by the help of others, but that part hasn’t been new information for me.

Being at the end of the year does tend to make me a bit self reflective. Unlikely as it felt at the beginning of this, in that reflection, it now seems like my current stance and situation were predictable, if not inevitable. I feel good. I feel very good. I did not accomplish all of the goals that I set out for myself, but I completed an enormous amount of them. More over, the goals I didn’t accomplish, I largely made progress towards. I started goals near the end of the year that I managed to complete, and because this is a year where I have been almost entirely in charge of my choices, I have no hang-ups regarding those goals that I let fall off. I think reflecting on these is good, and I think I might spend some time over the next few weeks getting more specific on those reflections – what I set out to do, what I accomplished, what I missed, and what I learned from all of this.

I think I’ll also put together a post on my plans for 2026 and, where I can plan them, beyond that. I’ve long since lost the desire for participating in the annual tradition of “New Year’s Resolutions”, or at least the way we approach them in our modern, American culture. However, I have greatly gained a stronger connection with my capacity to desire for real change and ability to plan my way toward it. But I don’t feel like getting super into that today, so those will be future posts.

For today, I want to go ahead and log a few of those accomplishments, the ones that most immediately come to mind.

On Academia:

The plan was to start taking a few college level courses and engage myself in a variety of higher leveled projects, readings, and study. I wanted to see if I could, really, and I was quite skeptical of that. I’d been out of school and so unwilling to pursue it for so long that I’d started to feel I’d lost the part of me that could. But I need to find out, so after dragging my feet for some time, I went ahead and returned to a few of the free online courses that I’d been miandering through since somewhere in the late 2010’s. It quickly became apparent that this is something I could do and that I wanted to do, and late into things, I decided that I wanted to finish the year with at least one class, for college credit, completed. As of this past weekend, I have completed this goal.

I finished my English Comp. I course with a 90.8% – it’s a low A, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t still an A. Though I haven’t finished them, I’m currently averaging A’s in courses on Algebra, Statistics, Computer Science, and a pair of Econ intros. I took some additional, non-credit courses, which I’ve found useful and think will help set me up for the next round of learning. I think that next round will be a bunch of Science intros. I still feel a little intimidated by the idea of returning to them, but I am also feeling significantly more confident in my existing skills and ability to learn new ones.

I also read an absolute shit-ton of books this year, or at least compared to previous years. In that same framing of comparison, the breadth of subjects those books covered was massive. I read books on learning, mathematics, economics, history, anthropology, cooking, travel, fermentation, and revolution. I’ve read more fiction this year as well, also across a variety of genres. I picked back up where I’d left off on Anna Karenina, and this year, I finished it. Adding in audio books, I’ve taken down enough books that I’m actually going to have to look up my borrowing and purchasing history to put together a list. Maybe I should think about keeping track from the start in 2026.

And I’ve been writing more. A lot more. I’ve written so many posts on this stupid blog, and as silly as they have been, that it’s now actually difficult to find specific subjects in the body of work. I’m pretty proud of that. I even got back to some of my older, previously abandoned writing projects, and started some newer ones, including starting on a few fiction books of my own. Those aren’t at a place where I’m ready to share them at large, but they did get to a point where I was comfortable sharing them with some friends, and that felt pretty dope.

On Fitness and Health:

I wanted to lose weight and get fitter, but when I set out on this idea at the beginning of the year, I was pretty uncomfortable setting real goals. I felt bad about this, but I didn’t beat myself up and instead fell back on some of my strongest training. I’m not sure if I’ve talked about that before, and I know that some people in my life think that my time in the Air Force was entirely negative, but this is not true. I might even say that the majority of my time in was positive, but it makes sense they would feel this way, because the bad parts were quite bad. Some of the better lessons stuck with me, and as I began to unravel myself from my pain, I found a few of the better ones more useful in this moment than ever before. This isn’t a post about that, but I really wanted to mention just how useful it is to sometimes just lock-in, even if you don’t know quite what you’re doing. Just get started, and just keep going. That was it with fitness this year – I didn’t have all the answers, I couldn’t reconcile the typical advice and my past experiences with my current life and needs, and I really didn’t know what the long term was going to be. But walking has always worked for me, so I got my ass out and did that, and tried to remind myself to just keep doing it. And I did it.

I don’t remember what weight I started this year at. I think it may have been around or maybe even over 270 pounds. I recently weighted in at around 239. I’m a little higher than that by a pound or two right now, but I think I’ve earned floating a few pounds while I close the year out. I don’t know what the plan is for next year, but I think the next goal is going to be the next 20 pounds.

But as delighted as I am at the weight, it has been the other aspects of my fitness that have really stuck out to me. I feel so much healthier, I can’t even begin to explain it. Following my hospitalization in the beginning of 2024, I found the simple act of walking to be terribly difficult. My entire body ached, and just putting one foot on the ground sent incredible pain shooting up through me. But I hated not being able to walk. I hate when I lose my agency, and this entire event took it all away from me. It completely shattered my ego, my entire sense of self, my reason for being. Pushing myself out to just take a little walk here and there was unbelievably restorative for me.

My heart and liver will never fully recover, but they have both recovered beyond the expectations of my doctors. I think it’s possible I might just have another 40+ years left in me, and I do aim to make that goal. I have found it easier and easier to manage my new health needs and dietary restrictions. The low sodium and low fluids aspects continue to suck, but since I already cooked, it’s turned out to be pretty easy to manage, actually. I’ve even come to start enjoying some of it, viewing this as a set of ongoing projects for learning new recipes, relearning old favorites, and figuring out how I can enjoy myself out at restaurants and bars. Speaking of which, I haven’t drank any alcohol since the end of 2023 – somewhere in October, I think.

A friend pointed out how I downplay this one, which I think some people take as my shame for my past behavior. I don’t know, I suppose there is probably some truth in there, but I talk about it without much regard otherwise. I think the biggest thing is that I don’t feel like I’ve earned it. I’m not struggling with a need or even want to drink. The other day while at a friends house, they were pouring some interesting gin and offered me a sniff, as thing I’ve mentioned still be fascinated with. But in this sniff, I could tell that the gin was high quality, interesting, and even that I think I would very much have enjoyed it in the past, but I could just not imagine myself ever drinking it again. It smelled so harsh, so much like nail polish, I almost gagged at the thought. I know so many people who struggle with addiction, and this has clearly been one of mine, but I don’t feel the way it would stalk my every moment like it used to. It’s just a thing I don’t do anymore.

I do still smoke pot, though. So you know, it is what it is. Though that was never something I did obsessively, and I find that even this indulgence has largely lessened. I like much more keeping my wits about me, when and wherever I can. I feel less and less the need to evade my mounting sorrows.

On my Social Life:

It feels weird to admit that I’ve been thinking of my social life as another project. But I have been, and I think it’s been quite helpful. My friends have been incredibly helpful in this part of my journey, and my progress in it as been incredibly helpful in the rest of my life. It has been wonderful to reconnect with my closest friends. We have had some great experiences together, watching movies, playing games, making music, and more. They’ve helped me rediscover the better parts of me and they’ve played their own part in helping me carry the burdens of my (semi) sobriety, dietary needs, social awkwardness, fitness and educational goals, and even my mental and emotional states. All of this has reminded me of important things about myself, like how my desire to help others is not a deflection from my own pains, it really is me. But that’s another subject for another time. In fact, I think I could go on for pages and pages about how important my friendships are to me, and I think I will, but not today.

Today I’m going to wrap it up here, and I’m planning to be a bit busy with some of those educational goals for the next few weeks. However, if I can weave them in, I’ll continue this reflection.

OH! I almost forgot a big one. I can’t claim basically any of this except in my very small circles, and I really don’t think it’s so much me as much as the situation. But everywhere I look, more and more people are becoming more and more progressive. I’ve been hearing friends say things I used to say years ago, and saying them in a way that it’s clear they aren’t just spouting slogans. They understand these things and they mean it, really mean it. And it’s clear this is happening all over America. And that fucking rules.

I’m going to try to be quick on this one… let’s see how I do.

Fitness: Okay, here’s the big one – I made it below 240 pounds. Today’s weigh-in was 239.6. I’m like a week-and-change out from the end of the year, and I’ll probably rubber-band back up over 240 here and there, but fuck it, I’m counting this shit.

Academia: I’ve been working on that last essay for my English Comp. I class and it’s going well, but I think I need to put it on hold for a smidge. You see, I’m pretty close to finishing that CS50 class as well, but not so close that I can just waltz into the finish line by the end of the year. Actually, I’m not sure I could finish it even if I completely redirected my focus there, and I’m not sure if I need to. All of these classes are self-paced, but there is some language on Harvard’s website that this one might get weird with the turn of the new year. So I should really figure that out.

Health(kinda): I’ve been putting off finalizing my 2026 health insurance, and I really need to clamp that shit down on the super soon. With my current health, I do not have the option of not getting my mountain of pills, and the wrong plan could make that extremely expensive. My last plan also dropped almost all of my best medical support, so I’m hoping I can find a plan that not only covers my meds, but also brings back my good docs.

The recent dating app stuff did not turn out. I don’t know, I guess a few conversations are still ongoing, but I’m not holdin’ out hope. Given how many of my recent matches have clearly been scams, I just don’t see this as a viable options anymore. In a strange turn of events, this has actually put me in a pretty good mood. Maybe it was something else, I don’t know, but things do seem more correct like this and some of the scams were also kinda funny. I’ve known the apps had become trash for some time now. I think I’ll ride them out for the next week or so and cancel them all in the new year. At the very least, that should free up some much needed mind space.

I did have another thing I wanted to mention, but for the life of me, I can’t remember what. Well whatever, I did want to keep this short. So here it is, possibly more later this week. Either way, Merry Christmas for those who celebrate, and I hope you get the day off even if you don’t.