I think the changes to my diet may finally force me to start eating lunch again.
Follow-ups: I don’t remember the last time I brought this up, but I’d been going on about how bad I’ve gotten at being a social person. I’ve had times in my life when I’d been quite social, had many friendships, had both actual romance and a variety of flings. I’d keep pretty busy and lately, I’ve just not been able to muster it. It’s too early to really say, but I do think I’ve been getting back on that horse. It feels a little overblown to even say this, but I kinda feel like I’m finding myself again. On the romance front, though, I think what I found is that now is just not the time, which might be part of why I’ve been so shitty at it lately. I think I’ve been self sabotaging, partly because I don’t really want a fling and what I really want just doesn’t fit right now. A fling would actually fit perfectly, to be honest, but my lack of effort and follow through indicates I just might not be up for it. But goddamn, could I use it. Other than my heart not being in it, I think I have genuinely gotten shitty at it. So I’ve been working on it, and I’ve started to remember the steps to that dance. I can’t quite dance that like anymore, to continue the metaphor, but I’ve begun to modify movements so I could find more fitting footing in my present age. As this continues, I may pop a “social” heading into my posts, but not just yet. For the time being, I don’t think I need regular updates on it. I’m still just getting comfortable, again, with being myself. And that just takes practice.
One social plan I’ve been thinking of is scheduling myself a day in the middle of each week where I watch a movie or two, and that it’s on a regular schedule or cadence. This will help me get through my many lists of works I’d like to see. I think I’d also like to schedule a few other things, like regular (though probably not weekly) visits to parks, museums, theaters. You know, culture stuff. And in all cases, those could be good times to invite others along, whether it be an open invite to whomever or a specific invite to a specific event. This is tough, though, since so much stuff takes money and everything takes time, and I am limited in both resources at the moment. So we’ll have to see. But it’s a thought I’ve tossed around for years, and have only recently begun to see it as a real possibility.
Health & Fitness: The prospect of having a giant potato and 16 entire ounces of steak all to myself sounded wonderful, and so I piled myself up a big ol’ plate of it last night. But by the time I made it through my salad and other greens, I was already starting to feel it. Now I am glad I got my greens in, no complaints there, but I did not make it through even half of the steak and potatoes. It seems the strategy of getting the bulk of my protein in one, big, beefy meal might not have been a good one. I just couldn’t make it through, and I’m a big guy with a big appetite. Then again, the efforts I’ve made in re-balancing my diet over the past few months have started to stack up and change the gut math for me. So I do think I’ll have to stop skipping lunch to make the math work again.
I still haven’t hit that point that most people get to, and that I used to hit when I was younger, of feeling just totally run down in the middle of the day, then having that midday meal that pumps you back up. In fact, part of why I started skipping lunch is because I started feeling the opposite, the lunch would just put me down, even a small one. I’d be tired and lethargic the rest of the day. Just about the only thing that worked for taking in midday calories was spacing out smaller, less impactful snacks. Mostly fruit, sometimes chips, crackers, or cheese. Fiber and protein bars have had their occasional place. I used to love a mid afternoon V8 with an apple and string cheese, but the sodium of that combo just doesn’t work for me anymore. I have started to feel midday hunger pangs, actually, though they usually pounce on me later in the afternoon, when I’m already thinking about dinner. I imagine that added to the idea that I could just take down a pound of beef in a single sitting. If I can manage to get past my next weight goal, I suspect I’ll start feeling that hunger amp up more, and maybe earlier. The morning hunger returned in the past year or so already, and only intensified, so it would seem to make some sense there.
Also, it does seem I’m finally starting to lose that weight I’ve been worrying about. Unfortunately, as always happens, the timing on it is such that I couldn’t actually point to a specific action as the cause. I had a lot going on, and in my concern, just started throwing everything I figured would help at the problem. Really, it could be just about anything. I’m going to take that as a sign that at least a little bit of everything is useful, and as long as I keep up the healthier habits and things continue to trend in my preferred direction, we’ll take that as a win. One of the bigger signs that weight loss is oncoming, which is a big increase of piss breaks, came on before I got all of my scripts filled. That’s a little gross, sorry, and I’m not 100% sure it’s true, but it’s happened to me before. I just gotta pee so much, and then it starts getting easier to get results. I definitely think being back on the drugs helps, let’s not get it twisted. But I think the two things we’ve always known to work are working, they just took my body some time to catch on – the top thing is to get the diet in check, the second is to get your exercise in check. Medical complications aside, and I’m lucky to only have a few, that’s the basic math of it all. A regularly shared opinion of experts and practitioners, you build abs in the kitchen, you tone them in the gym (or functional workouts, you know, exercise or whatever).
Also, I feel a little better. Health wise. Less headaches, which I’m pretty sure is just the meds. Well, I guess I’ve been feeling better in most respects over the past few years, to be honest. I’m very worried about my future, but it doesn’t feel dire. It all feels very doable, even though the roadblocks seem endless. I suppose that’s why I’m trying so hard to have this school thing work out.
Academics: I’ve taken to writing a bit about what I’m working on as a part of my process. It’s like giving myself little reviews here and there, where writing it out actually makes me really consider whether or not I understand the things I’m learning. This has been helpful, as I regularly find out that I don’t, and then I spend time researching and practicing until I do. This tends to take the form of some janky review doc, not really meant for sharing. However, I’m thinking I might take one of those, polish it up just enough, and post it up here. I’m thinking this mostly because it’s a meaningful check-point of my progress. But I’m also thinking about it because of how blogs can be helpful for others in understanding their own struggles, and I love the idea of being a little helpful.
Otherwise, there hasn’t been much progress to report. I’ve been dragging my feet on enrolling for the Fall semester, but I think I’ll finally get moving on that this week. I need to lock myself in hard and early, and while I’ve been doing that in rebuilding my math skills and overall learning strategies, I need to start bringing everything together over the next few months. I’m still very worried that I can’t actually pull any of this off, and then I’ll just have burned through what little resources I’ve saved while building an extended unemployment period that I’ll have to explain for my next, likely terrible job. But if I can get even a little bit more out of this phase, it’ll be a professional boon instead of just a lazy break. If I can make it through at least a few of the critical courses, I’ll know I’ve got it, and I’ll be able to actually follow through on at least some of my ambitions. And wouldn’t that be nice?
Next time: This week I have a handful of social bits that I’m equally looking forward to and also feeling a little anxious about. I’m scheduled to play some music with a new friend, a fellow guitarist, tomorrow. He’s much better at it than I am, and I think that I can learn a lot from him. There isn’t really any reason to feel anxious about it, but I’m always anxious about social situations, even when it’s with my favorite people at my favorite places. I’ve been feeling especially inadequate at guitar lately, which I think will actually end up being a net good. But I have to resist the impulse to seem like I know what I’m doing when I don’t. I gotta be able to call out when I’m not getting something. The flip of this is that I don’t want him to feel like he’s just signed up for an unpaid remedial teaching gig. I’m sure he’d just like to jam, and I would like that, too, but it’s been so long since I’ve last jammed with other guitarists, I’m not really sure I know how anymore.
I’ve also got my niece’s high school graduation. It’s a private, Catholic school, and while I don’t give much of a shit what any of those types think of me, I also don’t want to embarrass her. So I think I need to find a decent looking, my nicest polo as a minimum, possibly a sport coat/blazer as an upgrade. I don’t have one of those, so I guess I should see if I can find one.
Alright, that’s it for today. I’ve got stuff that needs getting done. Until next time, y’all.