I’ve been having a bit of a moment in this last year. Things have been on the upswing in a way that I haven’t felt in many years, and to a degree that I don’t think I’ve experienced ever. I regularly talk about myself and my life pretty negatively here, and that’s likely to continue, as “sad” is my default state. But as I experience more of some of my favorite parts of life, it regularly dawns on me just what parts of my life have been and are now quite good. Taking time to detach myself from work and reengage with… well, myself is only possible because of my past work and cleverness. Not singularly, of course, every part of this has also been influenced and often made possible by the help of others, but that part hasn’t been new information for me.
Being at the end of the year does tend to make me a bit self reflective. Unlikely as it felt at the beginning of this, in that reflection, it now seems like my current stance and situation were predictable, if not inevitable. I feel good. I feel very good. I did not accomplish all of the goals that I set out for myself, but I completed an enormous amount of them. More over, the goals I didn’t accomplish, I largely made progress towards. I started goals near the end of the year that I managed to complete, and because this is a year where I have been almost entirely in charge of my choices, I have no hang-ups regarding those goals that I let fall off. I think reflecting on these is good, and I think I might spend some time over the next few weeks getting more specific on those reflections – what I set out to do, what I accomplished, what I missed, and what I learned from all of this.
I think I’ll also put together a post on my plans for 2026 and, where I can plan them, beyond that. I’ve long since lost the desire for participating in the annual tradition of “New Year’s Resolutions”, or at least the way we approach them in our modern, American culture. However, I have greatly gained a stronger connection with my capacity to desire for real change and ability to plan my way toward it. But I don’t feel like getting super into that today, so those will be future posts.
For today, I want to go ahead and log a few of those accomplishments, the ones that most immediately come to mind.
On Academia:
The plan was to start taking a few college level courses and engage myself in a variety of higher leveled projects, readings, and study. I wanted to see if I could, really, and I was quite skeptical of that. I’d been out of school and so unwilling to pursue it for so long that I’d started to feel I’d lost the part of me that could. But I need to find out, so after dragging my feet for some time, I went ahead and returned to a few of the free online courses that I’d been miandering through since somewhere in the late 2010’s. It quickly became apparent that this is something I could do and that I wanted to do, and late into things, I decided that I wanted to finish the year with at least one class, for college credit, completed. As of this past weekend, I have completed this goal.
I finished my English Comp. I course with a 90.8% – it’s a low A, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t still an A. Though I haven’t finished them, I’m currently averaging A’s in courses on Algebra, Statistics, Computer Science, and a pair of Econ intros. I took some additional, non-credit courses, which I’ve found useful and think will help set me up for the next round of learning. I think that next round will be a bunch of Science intros. I still feel a little intimidated by the idea of returning to them, but I am also feeling significantly more confident in my existing skills and ability to learn new ones.
I also read an absolute shit-ton of books this year, or at least compared to previous years. In that same framing of comparison, the breadth of subjects those books covered was massive. I read books on learning, mathematics, economics, history, anthropology, cooking, travel, fermentation, and revolution. I’ve read more fiction this year as well, also across a variety of genres. I picked back up where I’d left off on Anna Karenina, and this year, I finished it. Adding in audio books, I’ve taken down enough books that I’m actually going to have to look up my borrowing and purchasing history to put together a list. Maybe I should think about keeping track from the start in 2026.
And I’ve been writing more. A lot more. I’ve written so many posts on this stupid blog, and as silly as they have been, that it’s now actually difficult to find specific subjects in the body of work. I’m pretty proud of that. I even got back to some of my older, previously abandoned writing projects, and started some newer ones, including starting on a few fiction books of my own. Those aren’t at a place where I’m ready to share them at large, but they did get to a point where I was comfortable sharing them with some friends, and that felt pretty dope.
On Fitness and Health:
I wanted to lose weight and get fitter, but when I set out on this idea at the beginning of the year, I was pretty uncomfortable setting real goals. I felt bad about this, but I didn’t beat myself up and instead fell back on some of my strongest training. I’m not sure if I’ve talked about that before, and I know that some people in my life think that my time in the Air Force was entirely negative, but this is not true. I might even say that the majority of my time in was positive, but it makes sense they would feel this way, because the bad parts were quite bad. Some of the better lessons stuck with me, and as I began to unravel myself from my pain, I found a few of the better ones more useful in this moment than ever before. This isn’t a post about that, but I really wanted to mention just how useful it is to sometimes just lock-in, even if you don’t know quite what you’re doing. Just get started, and just keep going. That was it with fitness this year – I didn’t have all the answers, I couldn’t reconcile the typical advice and my past experiences with my current life and needs, and I really didn’t know what the long term was going to be. But walking has always worked for me, so I got my ass out and did that, and tried to remind myself to just keep doing it. And I did it.
I don’t remember what weight I started this year at. I think it may have been around or maybe even over 270 pounds. I recently weighted in at around 239. I’m a little higher than that by a pound or two right now, but I think I’ve earned floating a few pounds while I close the year out. I don’t know what the plan is for next year, but I think the next goal is going to be the next 20 pounds.
But as delighted as I am at the weight, it has been the other aspects of my fitness that have really stuck out to me. I feel so much healthier, I can’t even begin to explain it. Following my hospitalization in the beginning of 2024, I found the simple act of walking to be terribly difficult. My entire body ached, and just putting one foot on the ground sent incredible pain shooting up through me. But I hated not being able to walk. I hate when I lose my agency, and this entire event took it all away from me. It completely shattered my ego, my entire sense of self, my reason for being. Pushing myself out to just take a little walk here and there was unbelievably restorative for me.
My heart and liver will never fully recover, but they have both recovered beyond the expectations of my doctors. I think it’s possible I might just have another 40+ years left in me, and I do aim to make that goal. I have found it easier and easier to manage my new health needs and dietary restrictions. The low sodium and low fluids aspects continue to suck, but since I already cooked, it’s turned out to be pretty easy to manage, actually. I’ve even come to start enjoying some of it, viewing this as a set of ongoing projects for learning new recipes, relearning old favorites, and figuring out how I can enjoy myself out at restaurants and bars. Speaking of which, I haven’t drank any alcohol since the end of 2023 – somewhere in October, I think.
A friend pointed out how I downplay this one, which I think some people take as my shame for my past behavior. I don’t know, I suppose there is probably some truth in there, but I talk about it without much regard otherwise. I think the biggest thing is that I don’t feel like I’ve earned it. I’m not struggling with a need or even want to drink. The other day while at a friends house, they were pouring some interesting gin and offered me a sniff, as thing I’ve mentioned still be fascinated with. But in this sniff, I could tell that the gin was high quality, interesting, and even that I think I would very much have enjoyed it in the past, but I could just not imagine myself ever drinking it again. It smelled so harsh, so much like nail polish, I almost gagged at the thought. I know so many people who struggle with addiction, and this has clearly been one of mine, but I don’t feel the way it would stalk my every moment like it used to. It’s just a thing I don’t do anymore.
I do still smoke pot, though. So you know, it is what it is. Though that was never something I did obsessively, and I find that even this indulgence has largely lessened. I like much more keeping my wits about me, when and wherever I can. I feel less and less the need to evade my mounting sorrows.
On my Social Life:
It feels weird to admit that I’ve been thinking of my social life as another project. But I have been, and I think it’s been quite helpful. My friends have been incredibly helpful in this part of my journey, and my progress in it as been incredibly helpful in the rest of my life. It has been wonderful to reconnect with my closest friends. We have had some great experiences together, watching movies, playing games, making music, and more. They’ve helped me rediscover the better parts of me and they’ve played their own part in helping me carry the burdens of my (semi) sobriety, dietary needs, social awkwardness, fitness and educational goals, and even my mental and emotional states. All of this has reminded me of important things about myself, like how my desire to help others is not a deflection from my own pains, it really is me. But that’s another subject for another time. In fact, I think I could go on for pages and pages about how important my friendships are to me, and I think I will, but not today.
Today I’m going to wrap it up here, and I’m planning to be a bit busy with some of those educational goals for the next few weeks. However, if I can weave them in, I’ll continue this reflection.
OH! I almost forgot a big one. I can’t claim basically any of this except in my very small circles, and I really don’t think it’s so much me as much as the situation. But everywhere I look, more and more people are becoming more and more progressive. I’ve been hearing friends say things I used to say years ago, and saying them in a way that it’s clear they aren’t just spouting slogans. They understand these things and they mean it, really mean it. And it’s clear this is happening all over America. And that fucking rules.