Another pretty good week, let’s check it in.
I’ve been thinking a lot more seriously about my plans in academia and beyond. When asked, “What are you majoring in”, I’ve either been saying Computer Science or the more honest answer of, “Oh, I don’t know yet.” I think I’m going to drop the first answer, because I’m increasingly of the opinion that Computer Science isn’t quite what I want to do. This doesn’t really have much to do with the whole AI bullshit of it all, actually, that makes me want to study it more. You couldn’t possibly ask for a more exciting time to be studying a subject than when it is in total upheaval, at least as far as I’m concerned. However, I’m getting both a different idea of what CS as a college major is all about and also a better idea of what I want to do with the education I’m hoping to get. I am also feeling the pressure of not having a concrete plan as the end of the year rapidly approaches.
Given what I do want to do with my education, I think I need to be taking a more serious look at the various schools of Engineering. Since we’re being honest here, I’m also a little intimidated by the idea of Engineering. I still feel pretty behind on my math, and the fields that interest me most are all very math heavy. Add to that the breadth of subjects I want to be ready to take on, it means strictly limiting my electives to make sure I can cover as much ground across fields as possible, which is great, but also means fewer classes outside of the Engineering realm. Like, can I really afford taking a creative writing class if I need to make sure I’ve got three Calcs and every science Intro class?
I should probably figure that out soon.
Also a thing that I should probably figure out, just what the hell am I up to in the world of romance? I’ve been alluding to this for a while, and I think I’m still not completely ready to talk about it, but we’re gunna wade in pretty deep today. A big part of that is just that I don’t know, and what I do know I don’t really have my thoughts together on. I had, at least for a while, thought that I should just put that all aside for the time being. I need to focus on me for a while, right? Health, fitness, school, fixing my various social problems, that’s quite a lot already. I figure those are all things that get easier with momentum, so I’d think more about romance when I got the rest of it all in motion. But it’s starting to feel like it’s coming up due.
I’ve got an additional piece on this subject that I’m mulling over adding later this week, unsure if I should. It’s very personal, but I guess that is the point of this. I haven’t told many that I’ve started blogging again, and I don’t think I’ve told anyone where they can find it. I haven’t checked my site traffic in a good while, but the last time I did, it was exclusively comment bots, so I do feel a bit of security in anonymity. Either way, this will just be an opening on the subject. I want to start by saying, this is like, some journal thoughts, right? So it’s going to come off as a little “woe-is-me”, but I’m fine, just let me cook for a minute here while I explore some thoughts and feelings.
I can’t shake the feeling that I might just not be a person for whom romance is possible. And now you can see why the preamble – we’re in the Sad Aaron Zone again! Look, I’ve had romance before. I’ve been in love and at least one woman that I’ve been in a romance with seems to have genuinely loved me back. Saucy times aren’t really the problem, though having my libido come roaring back over the past few months has not been my favorite. It’s hard to concentrate when you’re pent up, you know? I got a haircut the other day and it took all I had in me to just act like a normal person that wasn’t totally horned up for his stylist. To be fair, she was quite good looking, and while I might have tried some game on her in a different context, I think not having an appointment may have been rude and started us on the wrong foot. I also think it’s just rude, in general, to throw game at someone while they are on the clock. Frankly, it’s a dick move to force someone to deal with your personal-time flirtations while they must adhere to business-time rules. It’s a trap, and a person’s place of work isn’t fair hunting grounds.
It may be that I need to get back into therapy sooner than I had been planning, because I do think I need to work through what it is that I’m thinking and feeling here. I have definitely got to find a safe and healthy outlet for the urges, because the solo method just ain’t cuttin’ it, ya dig? But I don’t really want to cat around like I did in my younger days. Not that I really know how to go about doing that anymore. When I was the age to do so, the romantic landscape was perfectly poised for me to just find someone online, send a few flirty chats over a few sweaty days, and when the weekend came, I’d have company. The online dating scene has really changed, which does make things more difficult, but not impossible. I’ve chatted women up in person, I’ve closed such deals before. But while I do desperately need to smash, that need just isn’t connecting with my otherwise desires the way it used to. Something is missing, and I’m well aware of what that something is. But that takes me right back to it, I just don’t think that I can.
And I’m not sure how to even begin exploring what I mean by that. For starters, I might just not be ready, which is fucking nuts, because I haven’t been in a serious relationship for so long, I can’t even picture cohabitation anymore. None of this is new to me, so there really shouldn’t be a reason to feel anxious about it. But I am anxious about it. It’s been a long time, you know? Even just the sex part, I’m fairly certain that I will be terrible. It’ll be a good bad couple of seconds, and then I guess I’ll awkwardly fish around the sheets for my undies and try to slink out before she says anything.
I wish that were more of a joke than it is, but in truth, that part will work itself out. The anxiety I have for that is mostly surface level. I know what I got goin’ on, and while it may take me a few tries to get back up to speed, I’m sure I can get there. It’s really my relationship track record, though. Sure, I’ve dated a few not great woman, but for the most part, the woman I’ve dated have been pretty amazing. No, it’s me, it’s definitely me. I’ve been a shitty boyfriend, more than once. Nothing abusive, or at least I hope nothing abusive. I certainly don’t remember being so, but I did spend a lot of years being a lot of drunk.
The drunk part itself is pretty shitty, so there’s that, but that was just one part. I was often selfish, distant, unwilling to address my PTSD, and you know, the standard crummy boyfriend stuff. The last girlfriend I had, I never introduced her to family. I don’t think she ever met my friends, unless by accident. I tried to keep her separate from the rest of my life, and I had reasons that, at the time, seemed reasonable. My relationships before here were almost all too clingy, on both our parts, and that made for both bad relationships and awful breakups. In the last one, my being distant and forcing things to stay more casual than she wanted made that breakup quiet. But in retrospect, I think it may have been the worst of them. She was trying so hard and in my malaise brought on by a collective of previous bad relationships gave me the attitude that I couldn’t give her anything or she’d just be another one to hurt me. But by giving her so little, perhaps predictably, I ended up hurting us both even worse.
That pendulum has been swinging back and forth for years, from me being one version of a shitty guy to another. And now, I feel like I don’t even know how to be a good one. Add my general fishy history on top of the shitty dating, it’s hard to feel like I even deserve it. How can I?
I was hoping to put these feelings off for a while longer, but I think I need to confront them now. This needs to be on the list of things that I’m actively working on. Because all of that has the potential to be a real dark cloud hanging over a relationship. I also need to stop acting like a relationship isn’t something that I want. I do want that, and hope I can handle things well the next time I give it a try. How can I expect to give to a relationship what it deserves, what the woman sharing it with me deserves, if I’m preoccupied with the consequences of my own failings and inadequacies? I have embarked upon a journey to become a better man, and while I recognize the mechanical direction and have given myself room for side quests, I don’t think I’ve yet fully accepted the core mission. I haven’t been thinking of delivering the me part, and that’s a pretty heavy pack to carry.