I think I promised to give an update this week on a few things that were supposed to happen last week, but I didn’t take notes and I really can’t be bothered to reread last week’s entry. But I’ll try and check-in what I can by memory.
So last weeks’ plan to get together with friends for a gaming marathon weekend didn’t happen, and I’m a little glad about it. Not that I wouldn’t have wanted to see and hang with them, that would have been great, but my schedule just kept filling up with more and more shit every day. I do plan to try and schedule a few get togethers with friends this month. We have had a regular movie night that we’ve neglected, and I want to get in at least one more. I also really want to get in a pen-and-paper RPG session, and then there’s the aforementioned gaming session, which is more video and board games. They also don’t have the exact same rosters of friends. The week was a little strange in the moment, and a little stranger now that I can reflect on it, though maybe from a different angle.
You know, a few years ago, I think I would have just not. I think I would have just come up with reasons to skip a bunch of the invites and obligations, and just stayed home where I could be away from everyone. So much of me does just want to be alone. I have felt this way for a long time, and I still feel it every day. Sometimes I can hear myself turning something down before I even consider whether it could be something I might enjoy. But I had momentum, and lately, I have been finding that momentum carries me through. And when I do go through, usually I find myself on the other side happy that I did.
I think I should have noticed that earlier in life. A lack of momentum almost prevented my high school graduation. When I was in the service, it was momentum that kept me going through some of the most desperate of challenges. In my last job, it was when I lost momentum and got bogged down in bullshit that I found it hard to be my best, and anytime I escaped the mire, it was momentum that kept me from dipping back in. And now I’m sick of writing the word “momentum”, and I suspect you are just so of reading it.
I caught a ride with my brother and his family up to see my Dad and his family up in PA for Thanksgiving. After decades of resistance, Dad finally took direction from my brother to adjust his dishes for people’s dietary needs. He wasn’t perfect, and there were still dishes that my sister-in-law couldn’t eat, although at least one of them can’t actually be made another way. I mean, it’s pecan pie. The first ingredient is sugar. Ain’t no other way to make it, far as I know. But that doesn’t mean he couldn’t make a different desert. Thing is, I can also see the other side of this. I’m going to forgo my thoughts on nostalgia today, but even from a practical aspect, it is both completely fair to expect a dish that you can eat at an event you’ve been invited to, and also completely fair of the host to not have that when they are already making so many dishes. I think this might be one of the places where people in my position need to step up and bridge the gap. If I can remember, I may send him a desert recipe that her gut may find more friendly. In fact… I just gave myself a note to look into it. Hopefully I’ll find that when I’m in the right mood for exactly that kind of project. The rest of the night was pretty good, too. I forced myself to be more active in conversation, including engaging others in their own interests.
A thing I keep noticing in people, and I’m sure I do this as well, is that they’ll just get stuck on a thing. I don’t mean how I turn every conversation into something about Star Trek, no. That’s a completely separate annoyance, and one I’m not prepared to explore today. Rather, it’s how we’ll get on a subject and even when people are agreeing with each other, they’ll have some particular point that they want to make and will keep trying to make it if they perceive that the point has been missed. I’ll also see people return to points when it was unambiguously received, even when received well, which I think is more about a feeling of confidence when filling conversational dead space with more words.
I can really relate to this instinct, but I don’t think it’s a good one. I think we come off as needlessly argumentative and maybe even a little dim when we circle this drain. There’s a trick in active conversation I think I’m coming to find, about engaging in other people interests, that I find particularly helpful here. You can really derail a runaway conversation by grabbing hold of someone’s attention with something they care about way more. I think in the wrong hands, this can be a really shitty tool of manipulation, and to be clear, I also think it is manipulative when used well. But we’re all manipulating ourselves and one another all the time anyway, perhaps we should be more aware of our actions and their results, and try to treat each other better by guiding conversations to places we know our loved ones will shine.
Or maybe that’s all a bunch of hooey, I don’t know.
The day after Thanksgiving, which is definitionally a Friday, was marked with a Friendsgiving. I think it received a few more loathsome monikers, like “Boyzgiving”, “Hugsgiving”, and my favorite “Boiz-2-Giving”. I don’t even get the joke on that one, but it does tickle my ribs. It was a great time. I got to hang with most of my closest friends, share some of my cooking, and stuff my fat face on some of theirs. I did end up making that French Onion Soup. I did not find out if the woman I wanted to impress liked it, but I did hear some good reviews from other friends.
I do think that woman is happy with our friendship, which I am grateful for. However, I did spill that I am romantically interested in her, and she was clear that the feeling is not mutual, and I feel like a real ass about that. I think I knew it was the case going in, and yet I still felt compelled to share it anyway. And now I’m worried that I’ve made her feel uncomfortable, and I’m not sure where to go with that information. If it did, then I think I should really just leave her alone. That would be a real bummer, though, because I was quite genuine in my pursuit of her friendship. Not knowing makes things difficult, because if I didn’t alienate myself from her, then this is actually great – it’s taken an unnecessary concern off of my chest, and I can just treat her like the friend she should be, like I thought I had been treating her before hearing some offhand comments (that I don’t think I was meant to hear) to the contrary. Going by previous history, I probably won’t see her again for a few months. Unless I do reach out, but if I do reach out, and it was uncomfortable for her… I am really not in the right headspace for this line of thought. I think I need to keep myself real busy for a while.
Saturday was meant to be a “free day”, but it became another family dinner. It was my brother’s team again, but instead of my Dad’s branch, it was my Mom and her husband. They decided to split dinner, so I ate for free, which was nice. My niece brought her boyfriend, conversations were mostly good, and I think I gave some solid book recommendations. Well, here’s to hoping they at least weren’t bad.
I was worried that Sunday’s band practice would be awkward, given that I made a pass at the bass player’s sister. He’d be well in rights to whip my ass, frankly, but nobody seemed bothered. I’m really hoping this whole incident can be treated as though it never happened, and I can go back to being my normal, hopelessly single, miserable self. Anyway, the practice was pretty good. Good, hearty laughs, and some strong performances. The week before, we all felt really off. But this week, I felt like we all leveled up a bit.
I have so much more to catch up on, but this has already been far too long a post. Maybe that should be my angle to try and post more – smaller posts. Well, I’m not starting that today, in fact I want to check in just a smidge more before I close out.
Academics – I finally revised that third essay enough to feel comfortable with turning it in. I kept wanting to just turn in a draft that I knew wasn’t great so I could get the actual teacher’s feedback, but something told me to that the pattern of small adjustments off of regularly updated feedback from tutors would make for a good process. I think the essay is pretty good, and I’m eager to find out if my grade agrees. As long as the grade isn’t total dogshit, I think I am going to take this as a good sign for this process. Now if I can just speed the dang thing up.
I have, however, neglected much of my other studies. So while I do want to spend time this week on any cleanup on that third essay, and/or hopefully get a strong start on the fourth and final, I really don’t want to spend the lion’s share of my time there. I need to spend time making progress on my Stats and Computer Science classes if I want any chance of finishing them this year. It’s already December! Fuck me! When did you get here?
Fitness – I got in exercise the last couple of busy and weird weeks. It was more than I expected to get, but less than I would have wanted. I forced myself to get back on it today, and I’m glad that I did. I’m gong to do a little calorie tally to make sure I’m good for the day, and if I’m where I think I am… I think I might use up some extra calories with a little treat. When I have a free afternoon, I would like to spend some time adjusting my diet, though. I am feeling more of a need to do something like gym bros do, that ol’ hitting macros thing. But I think my macros might be a little different from theirs. They’re always trying to max out their protein, and protein is a concern of mine, too. But my concerns are much more about my longevity than how jacked I can look. Not that I wouldn’t want to look jacked, in fact, I don’t mean that as a dig at the gym bros. I wold also like a six-pack. Well, with my weird body, I guess it would be more like a sevenish-pack. I don’t know, I haven’t seen my abs in a long time, and I can’t remember quite how they actually look. But the number of scars didn’t decrease, so… I think I’ve got a pretty good idea how that’s going to turn out.
Anyway, I didn’t loose significant weight, but I also didn’t gain any. So we’re gunna call that one a win. If I can make even a smidge of progress between today and Christmas, then I’ll hit my last goal of the year to get under 240. I’m not going to beat myself up if I don’t make it, but I will be so fucking jazzed if I do. So let’s try.
Trying has been the name of the game this year, and it’s mostly been working out. Well, maybe one thing to try in the future is to not be so incredibly thirsty. It’s hard not to be when you’re in the desert, but I suppose finding an oasis is another thing I should try a little harder at. This metaphor sucks, and I want to play a video game before it gets too late. And grab some of that low-cal ice cream. So that’s it for today, now kindly fuck off and have a lovely night.