After some deliberations, I’ve decided that I do in fact want to use this personal blog to talk about personal stuff beyond just stuff like fitness updates. Oh, by the way, I have now had several consecutive weight-ins below 250 lbs, which is pretty great. I’m very happy about that. Now I just need to keep up that momentum. I’m still not up to running a full, unbroken mile, but I’ve made it over half a mile, so I’m pretty happy about that, too. As I fill up this blog with more varied work, I’ll start setting up zones arranged by topic and tone or, I don’t know, whatever ends up fitting. But we’re not there yet.
A thing I’ve noticed about myself over the past few years is I’ve gained a strange quirk in my overall mindset, that I’ve gotten so cloistered that I have a deep apprehension to making plans. This is no good. Some of my best work and most of my best experiences came from making plans to do something. I don’t think this is entirely unearned, as I’ve had a few times in my life when my schedule was absolutely jam packed, when there just wasn’t enough time in the day, week, or month to get all of the tasks on my list done. But that’s not now, and that’s not how my life has been in some time. This post isn’t going to be some thought piece on time management, though I suppose it’s another piece of a growing body of evidence that I do need to get better at that. And a big chunk of what I need to improve is the willingness to make plans, and I find joy in the prospect of fulfilling those plans. But let’s put a pin in that.
This last weekend only had one appointment, but it was a good one. I talk about my previous job a lot, and that’s not likely to change anytime soon. I worked there for almost 20 years. I learned a lot from the job, and much more from my coworkers and a handful of good managers. This appointment was a lunch with some of those folks. I’m quite grateful for the work that one of my former bosses puts into setting these up, as it’s very nice to see these folks, but there’s more. In recent years, I’ve come to see my time in that job as quite the boon to my personal life. The business of the company is fascinating, and for a time it attracted a wide variety of interesting types, making the company absolutely packed with incredibly smart people. It was quite the boon to find myself situated amongst them, as so many of them helped me along. The power of intelligence and kindness is incredible.
Usually when I show up to a social event of any kind, I try to line up with specific friends and also probably try to grab a seat on the end or a corner or something. On this day, I decided to just go with the flow, and that situated me between one of my favorite former bosses and one of her bosses. The two of them are also lifelong friends, so I felt pretty guilty splitting them up. The unselfish part of me wants to make sure everyone else gets to sit where they want to sit and I’ll sit where ever. The selfish part of me wants to be mostly left alone, which gels with the self-conscience part of me which always feels too big and in the way, hence the finding a corner spot thing. But they had no problem speaking across me, so that seems fine.
The spot I took did turn out to be advantageous. My former boss and, as I believe she coined, “great-grand-boss” – a fantastic term that I fully encourage you to start using – are very quick and compassionate. I feel like I absorbed a massive dose of insightful thoughts just sitting between them. Getting a chance to run a few thoughts by them was also huge, including some strong endorsements of a few of my academic plans.
A thing I think is happening to me right now is that my perception of life is changing. Ah, shit, I am getting into this, aren’t I? No, we’re not getting in deep, just dipping the toe. I feel like I’m finally actively trying to pay attention to the lessons that life and those I’ve shared mine with have been trying to teach me. I’ve done a pretty good job of ignoring those lessons, and that’s been workin’ out great and all, but it does seem like now is a good time to start paying attention. Or maybe I should have started like 20 years ago. You know what? My toe is wet enough and this water is cold, I’m getting back out.
I think the thing that I’m learning from this experience is that I need to stop trying to find rest time. I worry about how that comes across, like one of those hustle-dweebs saying some garbage like “earn your rest time”. I don’t mean it like that, but rather, it very much feels like my balance of doing and resting has been frustrated, and many of my current struggles are tied to my own attempt to push back against that. I have felt this before, and for different situations. I felt it hardest in one of those times when I was far too busy, but busy with one focus of work that shut out all of my other desires. I’m on the opposite end of that, where I have all the time in the world but am trying very hard to make the most of how I use that time. Damnit, I’m in the pool again!
Alright, let me just say this bit and then take off for the evening. I think something I”m starting to understand about myself is that I do like filling up my time, but only if it’s with stuff that I care about. The breadth of things that I care about is still huge, and it will likely still be too busy, but if I can change up my life and find a career where I can mostly focus my working efforts onto things I care about, then I don’t think I’ll feel so quickly and so thoroughly burned out at the end of any given week or day. So I’m trying to also pay attention to what people are actually saying about different career paths, because I’d really like to fill up my time with a steady pace of overlapping projects.
That didn’t turn out to be all that personal, I suppose. No real details there, though I do want to come back to the past couple of weekends. I’ve got some thoughts on some games I’ve played, some thoughts on my pursuit of opening up new or improving existing friendships, and my usual fitness and academic updates. If I can muster the courage for it, I may even try to get into my romantic status, or rather lack there of and so on. But that’s enough for today.