I don’t know if I need to say this, but I worry that I sounded harsh on my friends in my previous post, and that won’t do.
I had most of this written over the weekend and planned to post yesterday, but I’ve kept myself busier than initially expected. I’ve been stewing over whether or not my last post made it seem like I was mad at my friends – I am not. They are the bees knees. No, I’m worried that I want something they may not. That’s pretty normal stuff, I think, but I can also be a bit intense, which might lead someone to say they are interested in the moment when they really aren’t. I’ve done this, and I bet you can relate. You know, you like the guy fine, but you’re not really lookin’ to join their book club? But they just keep talking about it, and they corner you on the way out of the party, and you’re like, “Yeah dude, I’ll think about it.” and they take that as a definite yes. I worry that I’m taking their polite agreement as an enthusiastic engagement. I’d rather not put them in such a crummy position. I don’t know, I have a lot of social anxieties, which I’m sure is coming as a massive surprise to you, dear reader. Also, at the time of my last post, it had just been a few days and everyone is a busy adult, so I was jumping the gun as it was. Well anyway, before I managed to correct myself, one of them did text back, which is very kind considering. Here’s to hoping neither is aware of this little bitch-session webpage of mine. I’ll see about more politely giving them an out next time we hang, or maybe just not mentioning it.
Actually, I still feel a little hung up on my potential carelessness. I know I mentioned ending other friendships, entire friend groups, in fact, and I don’t want that to sound like some frivolous action. Nor do I want to imply that this one remaining group is perpetually on the cut list. It is not. It is a good group, and I’m happy to still be a part of it. It’s more that the group seems to have been experiencing sort of a collective revival, you know, folks in this specific circle getting back together more regularly. It’s a thing and I’m not the only one to have noticed it. I think I just got a little swept up in the idea of this being an area we could collectively enjoy expanding into, and I suppose it still could, but I gotta cool my jets either way. Now the other thing I mentioned is also true, I do think I need to get out and form some new friendships. I do need to find people I can study with, for one. For another, I have a few esoteric hobbies I’m pretty sure none of my friends share. And then there’s the whole romance thing, which… well, I think I might still just not be ready for. But when I am, I’ll need to be able to talk to strangers without seeming like an alien. But you know, anxieties.
This past Saturday is a good example of that, actually. I’m looking at doing a bit of a wardrobe refresh. Well, maybe more than a bit, to be honest. I’ve got a bunch of clothes that I not only don’t ever wear, but can’t really think of a time when I would. Getting rid of those is easy, but then I’m left with mostly t-shirts and jeans. Now, I love me some t-shirts and jeans, and even if I never wear any of those to work, school, or most social outings, there are still plenty of times when I would wear them. That’s not a problem. I mean, some of those are already in piles that will get paired down and donated, for sure. I’ve got a bunch in sizes either too big and hope to never have to wear again, or so small that it’s incredibly unlikely I’ll ever fit them again. In either case, if I do ever fit those sizes again, I’d still be better off shopping for that time rather than wearing these outdated items. However, I do not anticipate an occasion when wearing a graphic tee with “Cougar Hunter” printed above a saucy silhouette will be appropriate.
Actually, this story is not very good, so instead of a full recap, let’s do a short one. I went to a Nordstrom’s Rack (I should look up that spelling, but I won’t). The line for the registers was exactly in the direction I was headed, was super long, and they all seemed to be looking at me. I was certain they couldn’t be, and looked behind myself to see what crazy thing they must have all been looking at. There was nothing, it was just me. In hindsight, I’m pretty sure it was just because they were bored and in line and here’s some motion or whatever. But my dawgs – this was super uncomfortable for me. Especially when I turned back and watched almost all of them immediately moved to their own “Oh, I wasn’t looking at anything” default stances – pretending to look at a locked phone, fumbling through a bag, or surveying the items they were in line for as if they suddenly weren’t sure about them. Ultra-yikes. It took everything in me to just keep going and pretending that I didn’t see them pretending that they weren’t all just watching me. Very unpleasant.
Anyway, I do want to talk about the styles of clothes I’m looking at, but not today. It’s already late, and I’ve got a celebratory creamsicle to smash. Oh, is there something to celebrate? Yes, that’s right, I had almost forgotten – I finally made it under 250 pounds. And no, this one creamsicle will not bust my diet, so get off my nuts already. Cheers!