Hey, I Changed My Blog!

And yeah… sorry it went down without warning.  I thought I could change it over in half an hour and noone would notice.  I also thought that I could just slide it in, refresh my site, and post some shit.  Well… that didn’t work out.  It’s now after 10:00 PM, and I’ve just started making progress with re-adding my old posts.  Well, whatever.  It don’t matter.  This shit is up and running now, and on the latest build of WordPress.  I’m pretty fuckin’ happy about this decision.  I’ve always liked the look and feel of the dashboard and other back end stuff.  I’m also extremely pleased to see just how much the user base has done to make it easy on new people.  Themes, mutha fucka!  And it’s written in real-assed languages with standard-assed databasing!  I can kinda figure my way around this stuff!!!  FUCK YEAH!!!!!!>1>!Kea’jfsdal11!!!1!1l?

Alright, well I’m tired as fuck and I’ve still got some other things to do before I hit the sack.  There is definitely a post coming on Friday and I might try to tie up the intended post for earlier today.  Have a good’n.

Charts and Graphs!

I’ve been working on some charts and graphs to better understand the weirdness that is my own scale of attraction to da ladies.  It’s fuckin’ crazy, yo.  I’m also finding that some of the ways I’ve been trying to track said info is completely unhelpful.  So I’m gunna rework some of my data before I deliver it on time, ’cause there’s Science to be made.  Here are some of the things going on:

  • A list of celebrities and my attraction to them
  • A point system assigned to each attraction attribute
  • A graph of the application of said attraction in some kinda fuckin’ thing
  • Some drawings of bewbs.  I don’t know, just ’cause.  I’ll NSFW them off on a separate page or something so the main page is still SFW.
  • An essay on why Anal Sex is fucking awesome and why it’s OKAY to lick some butt, every now and then
  • A list of holiday and sex-act pairings

And a bonus (probably spreadsheet) – some of the crazy shit that I’d like to try to pull off once I lose the weight, annotated with my actual expectations of pulling them off.  At some point, I’d also like to share some more of what goes on in my iPod (now iPhone!  I’m so fuckin’ cool!).  Certainly an update to my running playlist and sharing some of my other playlists will be put up here sooner or later, but I’d also like to share some of the shows that I listen to.  Maybe talk apps at some point… but I’m pretty behind on all of that.

For now, things are fine.  My terrible cold thing is mostly gone.  I was roommate free for the weekend and enjoyed a lot of video gaming while trying to rest and heal-up.  Multiplayer stuff was great.  There was something else I wanted to mention, but I don’t remember what so… fuck it.  Oh yeah, my beard.  I really like what’s going on with it right now.  I don’t know how to explain it, but I trimmed it up just a little bit on Saturday and it looked and felt awesome.  It’s pretty alright right now, but nowhere near as good as Saturday.  I need to figure out what made it so awesome.

 

tl;dr – Back to the drawing board with boobs, spreadsheets ahoy!, I’m mostly better now, and my beard was fuckin’ epic for a little while.

 

2-18-2011 An Update & A Quicklist

I had to take yesterday off from work.  I knew that I would have to, and probably should have taken Wednesday off, too.  I barely slept Wednesday night, and when yesterday morning rolled around, I practically poured myself out of bed.  It totally sucks, because some unexpected whack shit happened at work while I was out.  Also, it seems that someone else took a sick day when maybe they really didn’t need to.  Whatever, everything seems to be in working order.  I still feel like burnt asshole, but good enough to soldier through and get shit done.  I’m also fairly sure that I am past the contagion point, but it’s hard to say given that I’m not really sure what I have.  It’s good that I’m alright, as the two that were in yesterday are out today.  They aren’t sick, but apparently had a sick-ass time out last night, and planned ahead of time to have this day off.  Good for them – we all need to unwind time and I’m glade nobody had to lose scheduled vacation.

 

Some good news – my weight-loss thing got derailed a couple of times, and the current situation at home isn’t exactly helping.  Still, I’ve managed to keep in about 90% on track for the last two weeks.  Even with one binge night and a rough weekend preceding it, I am down about 8 pounds.  8 lbs. in two weeks – those are results that I can live with.  Doctors say that you should only drop about 2 lbs. a week, but fuck that.  I’ve said it before, and I’m sure I’ll say it again – it has to be better for me in the long run to be in shape as quickly as possible than it would be to take a slow approach to getting there.  Still, I’d bet that my pace for the rest of my weight loss will be considerably slower.  It will likely drop to the 2 lbs. a week rate by itself as I get closer to my goal.  And there will be the inevitable plateau, but I’ve got some plans to deal with that.

 

tl;dr – I’m a little better and I’ve started dropping some weight.

 

Alright, here’s a quicklist.

Aaron’s Most Favorite Remedies for Standard to Baddish Cold & Flu Sick Havings Quicklist,:

5.Hard Liquor

4. Sudafed

3. Theraflu Nighttime

2. NyQuil

1. All of the above in one, bigass mug and find a comfy place to sleep it off.

2/16/2011 – Let’s Get Off Topic

We’ve had a lot of fun breaking down my attraction to women, but let’s be completely honest here.  1) It’s all about me (which… this is my blog, so that’s cool).  2) It’s a lot of flith.  3) It’s fairly scatterbrained and long as hell.  I have to imagine that a fair amount of potential readers were immediately turned off by at least one of those things.  So let’s talk about some other shit for a hot minute.

Alright, let’s blog.  I’m sick as hell.  I’m pretty not happy about this, and not just because I feel like warmed over poop.  Whether or not I like my job (I currently do), I hate not doing it.  Seriously, even in jobs that I hated, I wanted to get them done.  Of course, every job I’ve had has been with at least one person depending on me doing so.  The least important job I ever had was as a paper boy, and you can really fuckin’ ruin someone’s job if they don’t get the paper.  I think those people are crazy and often assholes, but not getting them their paper goes against one of my very top personal rule – DON’T FUCK IT UP FOR THE REST OF US.  My willingness to get the job done even when I’m out of sorts amplifies the negative feelings I have for those who don’t.  Far too many people from my generation are ready to say, “Fuck it, I’m staying home” at the drop of a hat.  Cowboy/Cowgirl the fuck up.  Get in, get the fuckin’ job done, and roll out so you don’t get the rest of us sick.  I will admit that I often overstay my sickness welcome, but it’s not like I’m directly breathing on anyone or spitting in their coffee.

Another part of what pisses me off about the current state of my health is why I think I got sick.  I did go out with some friends last Friday night, so it is entirely possible that I just caught something out there.  However, I wasn’t exactly feeling perfect before the night started.  Though a little hung over, I was mostly alright on Saturday.  Monday rolled around and I felt rough.  Yesterday morning I felt really rough.  Today, I feel like complete dogshit.  Generally speaking, if I feel kinda rough on Friday, I only go out once for that weekend.  I take it easy the rest of the way, and keep warm.  Citrus, yo.  Get some Vitamins of Charlie.  I get to bed early and all that jazz.  Except now I have a house “guest”.  I say “guest” because he is only half invited.

A few months ago, my Dad let me know that he was seeking a new government job down in D.C.  I thought this was crazy -sauce, as he lives just north of Philly.  He mentioned something about the commute possibly being a problem, and that he’d need a solution.  A few weeks later, said that it’s a good possibility that he would get the job and mentioned – I thought jokingly – that I might end up with a new roommate.  Then a few weeks ago he said that he got the job.  And that he’d be down on Sunday.  It was Friday.  Up until this point, I’d never thought it actually possible because I always thought it was a joke.  He apparently thought that my laughing at it was actually confirmation and invitation.

At that point, I figured he just needed a place to be like a cheap hotel while he got into a groove for the first couple of days or whatever.  He had also said that he would come down on Monday night, stay Tuesday night, go home on Wednesday, be back on Thursday, and then leave on Friday.  It has now been three weeks and that hasn’t happened a once.

He comes down on Sunday night and stays ALL FUCKING WEEK until Friday.  Night.  Yeah.  That part I really don’t fucking get.  Between driving and the Metro, my place is at least a half-hour commute from his office.  It is probably closer to 45 minutes during the government rush hour, and that’s on a good day.  His drive from my place to his can’t possibly be less that two hours, and my place really isn’t on the way.  Not to mention that getting off the highway, gathering his stuff, and getting back on the highway takes time.  As a rational human being, I would take all of my shit with me in the morning so that I could take a direct route from work to home.  But I’m not an insane person, so what the fuck do I know?

There is also no real guessing as to when he will get back to my place (6 PM?  8:30?  Who knows?), and he’s there until mornings.  The parts of my social life that involve using my place – podcasting, booty calls, having people over to smoke hookah or game – all effectively over.  AND IT GETS BETTER!

My place has a balcony.  Nothing special, just the standard, concrete balcony that many apartments and condos have.  It has a sliding glass door.  This sliding glass door locks itself from the inside when you close it too hard, and it is impossible to gauge just how hard is too hard.  I know this, because I have locked myself out before.  I have either had to climb down or trust the kindness of strangers passing by on the path behind my place to help me out.  My Dad likes to read books and smoke cigars.  Every night.  For like, four fuckin’ hours.  Since he’s out there, he can’t really shut the door the whole way or he’ll get locked out.  If I’ve gone to bed, I’ll have no idea what his plight is.  He could call, but his phone is usually near dead and charging – inside my place.  So it’s 10 PM and the balcony door is open a crack letting in cold and smoke for at least another hour while it rushed back to its natural collecting point – my bed.

It ain’t over yet, but the way.  Then he falls asleep to the TV.  If you are a person that needs the TV on to fall asleep, it is time to reevaluate your life.  If you think that living at your son’s house for 5.5 out of 7 nights is normal, you need to reevaluate your life.  I like it pretty quiet, and can really only handle regular street sounds.  So he’s making it cold, smoky, and too loud from Sunday – Thursday and wasting an indeterminate amount of my time every Friday.  Yeah.  This shit started, I got sick.  You do the mathingston.

I was really starting to get into a good groove with my life, and he’s dickin’ it all up.  Dicking up like crazy.  And the best part?  I have no fuckin’ idea how long it’s going to be.  I had thought that it wouldn’t only be a few nights.  Then just while he gets through training (which I think is over sometime next week).  Now I think that living at my place is his only plan for the next two year.  And he makes more than me and, as far as I know, no longer has a mortgage.  I’m going to have to ask him what his plans are, and if those are them, I have to say no.  But not until I’m healthy enough to have my fuckin’ wits about me.  Life can eat a bag of dicks.

tl;dr – I’m sick, have a roommate I never wanted, and life should swallow a fuckin’ bullet.

I don’t know what’s next.  Maybe I’ll talk about my cold & flu remedies.  I have been told that a few are unorthodox.

 

My Attraction Attributes Scale – Part 4: It’s All See Through, Like Ghosts ‘n Shit

Intangibles

I think I totally got off the rails with Part 1 around this part.  Let me see if I can rectify that.  Rectum.

Personality – I like a girl to be really together yet quirky.  That’s the best I can describe it.  A smart, educated, sharp, cool chick is great.  A weird chick is great (and I do recognize that I must be fuckin’ crazy for liking that).  A Sciency chick that plays video games, tries weird new foods, and has some odd personality quirk that she’s alright with me making fun of?  Fuckin’ perfect.

“Will/Can do” – This really only matters if it’s some kind of relationship thing.  Whether we’ve worked out a fuckbuddy thing or I’ve actually caved into a real dating situation.  Otherwise, it’s whatever.  “Friends with benefits” is not the same as a fuckbuddy, by the way.  Basically, if you read the list that I made in Part 1, that’s about right.  Actually, it’s kinda not.  I don’t care if she doesn’t cook or clean.  I cook, and I like my cooking.  I’d like to do halvesies on cleaning.  I’m sure there will be things we each do for each other that we’re not fond of.  Even friends do that shit for each other from time to time, and friends ain’t bumpin’ uglies.  I can’t imagine having, or even wanting to have a 100% interest paring.  I would want there to be things that I’m not into that she is and vice verse, which is a perfect opening for alone time and separate time.  These are similar but not the same.  Separate time is whenever you aren’t with your significant other – like when you hang with your friends or buzz around the local bar.  Alone time is separate time, but it’s just you.  Like a walk alone in the park or having the house to yourself for a while.  Both are just as important as together time, and that together time shouldn’t suck.  I like to game, camp, drink, and tinker.  My ideal super-hot chick by this category would be into those kinds of things enough to at least hang around while I do them.  Hand me a tool if I’m asking.  I’ll hand you a… I don’t know what chicks do these days, but I’ll hand you a whatever it is you need while you’re doing it.  Chicks sure as shit don’t sew, ‘cause who the fuck needs anything sewn these days?  Man, we are a spoiled, lazy, shitty people.

“Will Do” Sexual – That Part 1 list is a good start.  I really screwed up my writing of that part, but whatev’s.  Maybe I’ll clean it up later.  I’m not going to list everything here, but I think you’ll get the gist when I say that I wanna knock the bottom out without it being a hassle.  I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before (The Aaron Plan), but I think that most sex sessions should be under about ten minutes.  Reliable studies have shown that the average male can swing about 2 – 7 minutes of pure intercourse.  This is 2 – 7 from when cock goes into pusspuss and the ol’ in-out-in-out takes place.  It doesn’t count foreplay, blowjays, titjobs, handies, huffpuffs, razzles, motorboating, facesitting, choking, squeezin’ buns, squeezin’ boobs, bum plumbing, hotdog-bunning, or the after-snuggle.  So 2 – 7 of straight bangin’.  That seems both pretty low and pretty high, especially when those same studies show that a large portion of females can take upwards of a full hour to please through intercourse.  Maybe that seems like a long time if you are one of smaller portion of women that only need about 3 – 8 minutes.  Wouldn’t it be great to meet one of those ladies, right?  HIGH FIVE!  Sooner or later, I’ll get into some of the research I’ve been reading (and generating… heh heh), but I think a measured frequency with some assortment of rad, spontaneous boot-knocking is excellent.  A good couple of 2 – 10 minute sexual encounters (that don’t have to be intercourse) and one fantastic hour-or-more session (with all the bells and whistles) would be the digs, and I’d love it if she would take it up her buns on a regular basis.

Chemistry, I fuckin’ guess – At least share a significant amount of my sense of humor.

tl;dr – there’s a lot of shit that goes into attractiveness, and I wanna bang your butt.

Let’s give this subject a rest for a few posts and reconvene with some kind of something (I’m actually working on that chart thing, but we’ll see what happens and shit).  Next up?  I don’t know… maybe a list?  Something about video games?

My Attraction Attributes Scale – Part 3: Keep It Stylin’

Style

Like I said before, the style of a chick usually doesn’t matter to me.  I should be more specific – no particular style is truly better then another in my eyes.  I go through phases with what kinda style I like most at any given time, but if you look good then you look good.  A pricey handbag and new shoes will not make you more attractive to me.  They might make you less.  Alright, let’s get into it.

Hairstyle –  Seriously, it doesn’t matter.  I’m even down with somewhat dumb hairstyles.  Did you see that chick’s haircut in Tron?  Stupid.  She was still hot as all getout.  A “bob” is lame, but some chicks can pull it off.  Big Hair is dumb as shit, but there are several Scene Chicks that look hot as fuck with it.  I’ll bet that most guys like nice, long hair.  Some dudes like it curly, some like it straight, and so on.  I don’t have a particular preference, and I really don’t get why someone would go for a certain lady just because of how her hair looks.  If you held a gun to my head, I’d probably choose wavy over straight, but I like an afro, too.  The only hairstyle that I absolutely say I don’t like was that stupid, giant, purposefully frizzy 80’s hair that it seemed like everyone had through the early nineties and some people still try to rock.  It didn’t look good then and it doesn’t now.  Otherwise, your hair is just an accessory to the package deal that is the you.

Clothes/shoes – I don’t care if you’re wearing brand new pumps or beat up old Chucks.  They neither make you more nor less hot.  They will tell me a little something about your personality, but that’s about it.  Clothing wise, I really don’t get that line, “I like girls who wear Abercrombie & Fitch…” ’cause I don’t give a fuck if you bought it at Walmart.  If it looks good, then great.  Uggs and Crocs are gross and stupid, but they aren’t likely to make you less hot.  Frumpy sweaters suck, and so does anything else that hides a ladies figure.  Your old NASCAR shirt with the cut off sleeves that you wear ironically?  Stupid.  But you’re still hot.  Goth, Emo, Scene, Plastic, Preppy, Business Pro, Business Casual, Uniformed, etc.  All can be hot, all can be dumb.  You make the clothes, the clothes don’t make the you.  But bare in mind, I might be looking at your clothes and thinking, “That looks like a stuck up bitch” or “I’ll bet she’s an annoying, angsty brat.”  I not judging your hotness, just your youness.

Accessories – I’m not sure if I’m getting the point across here or not, but I’m really not taking your style into consideration as far as hotness goes.  If you’re wearing a lot of “flare” or “bling”, it’s not making me think you look hotter than you actually are.  That being said, this could make me think less of you.  If you have a lot of this shit, I’m going to think you are an empty, materialistic, cunt.

Makeup – Short and sweet, your makeup don’t matter unless it looks stupid or crazy.  I almost said unnatural, but the way that Scene chicks wear makeup is very unnatural, and some of them are smokin’ hot.  If it looks stupid or like you need industrial solvents to remove it, then you look stupid and/or gross.  Less is more, and I’ll appreciate the less a lot more if we are knockin’ boots and I wake up next to you/we end up in the shower.

Accent (vocal) – I think I already answered this by accident… but yeah, accents are hot.  Right now, my favorites are Kiwi, Londoner, and something from the Eastern Bloc that I can’t quite pin down (Latvian?).  This is subject to change.

Tattoos – I neglected to mention this in Part 2, and I’m not sure why.  Maybe because I tend to overlook them.  Much like the rest of style, it really has to be an extreme to matter to me.  If you are currently tattoo-less and wondering if it will help your chances, here’s what I think.  Your best chances of having a tattoo not being negatively viewed by others is to simply not get a tattoo.  An informational podcast that I listen to did an episode on tattoos and one of the hosts mentioned that she gets odd advances and inappropriate questions based entirely on her simple, nonsexual, nonthreatening tattoo on her wrist.  I find that unsettling.  Why would a nonsexual tattoo on a nonsexual body part automatically make someone assume that they are down for a one night stand or a slam behind the dumpster?  General tattoos don’t make me assume that, but apparently others do.  Think about that before you get a tramp-stamp, which is something I actually might judge.  I personally don’t care for the tramp-stamp, especially if it is the only tattoo that you have.  The closer to your crotch or crack of the ass that a tattoo gets, the more I think you’re trying to sex your body up.  That doesn’t mean you’re a skank, but a lot of skanks have tramp-stamps and a lot of porn stars have that above-pussy tat.  Think about that, too.  Trashy tattoos might make me think twice, but they aren’t going to make me immediately think poorly of you.  We were all 18 once.  Faces and memorial tats are incredibly unsexy.  A shit-load of tattoos on a woman is a coin toss.  It could be super hot (like some MFC chicks or Kat von D) or super gross (like this really gross porn star who’s name escapes me).

I should sum this up into something coherent:  I suppose that I have to admit that style matters, but not nearly as much as women and popular culture make it out to.  At least not to me.  I don’t really prefer any one style over another, but I do tend to eyeball ladies in the crazier styles (Goth, Emo, Scene) and the professional styles most.  Even there, I could probably plot a strange curve on what I do and don’t like.  A little Emo-y is cute.  Really Emo is annoying.  Extremely Emo is fuckin’ hot as shit.  Odd combos are really hot.  “Girl-next-door” is just as hot as “All Gothed Out”, and I don’t know how, it just is that way.  I would like it if fewer chicks wore frumpy bullshit just as much as I wish they would stop acting like a bracelet and a handbag can suddenly turn a gross dog into a sexy vixen.

tl;dr – Your purse doesn’t make you hot, but if you’re a black, nerdy, pink-haired, goth chick from New Zealand, then you and I need to talk about our future and all the buttsecks we’re gunna have.

In Part 4, I’ll swing over to the intangible stuff.  Then I’ll break for a while and blog about some other shit before wrapping this up with some kind of conclusion and maybe some of the stuff I’ve been pulling from these studies.

My Attraction Attributes Scale – Part 2: Gettin’ Physical

Before we get started, I’d like to mention something.  I gots me that iPhone 4.  Phone machine!  I’m pretty stoked about that, but I’d really like it if I could just get used to the thing.  I’d like it even more if Verizon would quit acting like they invented it or cracked the fucking Unified Theory.  Cunts.

Alright, let’s bust this down with the categories I gave myself for… myself.  Hmm.  Yeah, well… always got time to play with myself.  I was jumping the gun a bit by the end of Part 1, which was intended to only define my parameters (if you haven’t checked it out… I mean… you still can).  I’ve also become very wordy, so I’m going to break this up into some smaller chunks.  So for the next few, I’m going to break down what I actually like.

Physical Stuff

Just like before, this comes first because it is the easiest to define and understand.  Additionally, I can get dirty with this real easy, and I think I know my audience.  Nasty ass mutha…

Face – Oddly enough, I find this one difficult to pin down.  I know that roundness and fullness are typically highly prised among real-assed people (Jessica Biel, Beyonce, that chick from Firefly).  The thin, angular faces are preferred for model type things (Olivia Wilde, Skinny-assed models, that other chick from Firefly).  I can pretty well run the gamut, but there are definitely those I like a lot more than others.  I’m actually thinking about doing some kind of crazy picture-show with my ratings… that seems a little self indulgent.  Anyway, studies say that the biggest factors are symmetry, proportion, and youthfulness.  I find these to be true, but most also note the “heart shaped” face as generally being voted as the most attractive.  I’m not really sure if I get what they’re saying, but the examples they show are pretty hot.  This is dragging on, and I’m getting anywhere near an explanation.  It’s a face that I want to make out with, wake up next to, and have near my junk.  No snaggle teeth.

Hair – It just needs to be healthy or nonexistent.  I’m not trying to be snobby, but I think it’s a pretty good indicator of health.  I mean, if you’re prematurely balding from a bad roll in DNA roulette, then all I can say is “Sorry”.

Eyes – I can dig on the super-round Western eyes and the “almond shaped” (hate that term) Eastern eyes.  It doesn’t much matter to me what color they are, and don’t prefer blue over brown.  I do really like green eyes.  I think it’s because it is so odd.  Really, it’s more of a striking thing.  When the irises are all types of bright and shiny, the sclara is clear, and pupils aren’t fuckin’ crazy.  I understand that a yellowed, brown, or reddish sclara could also be a loss in the DNA roulette toss, but I don’t care.  I like ’em clear.

Eyebrows – I’d like to reiterate on this.  I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR EYEBROWS.  I knew a girl in middle school who had no eyebrows at all.  I never confirmed this, but I’m pretty sure she had no hair on her head and wore a wig.  I recognized that was odd (and would later learn it was probably Alopecia), but her other features were very attractive to young, middle school Aaron.  I’d bet she’s hot today.  The only ONLY times that your eyebrows matter are if they are fuckin’ crazy.  Though they were apparently hot in the back in the day, I think that unibrows are gross.

Complexion –

  • Skin Color, Shade, & Tone – Common knowledge to those that know me, I like black chicks.  I really like really dark skin (shade).  But really, there isn’t any particular skin color that I don’t like.  I’m sure that someone will find this offensive, but I’d totally bang a blue chick.  If it is you that found that offensive, kindly go fuck yourself.  I’ve now read about half a dozen studies and analyses of this stuff, and I really don’t think I understand “Tone”.  I think it’s a semantics thing.
  • Consistency – Color may be a pretty low factor for me, but consistency matters a lot.  Splotchy skin seems unhealthy.  I’m not talking about birthmarks, scars, or freckles.  I’m not the type to call a mole or birthmark a “beauty-mark”, but they don’t really bother me (unless it’s a mole that’s way the fuck out of control).  Think a scar could add character.  They usually don’t, but also usually don’t bother.  I find freckles occasionally hot.  But they gotta be fo-realzy.  Like, not “a” freckle here or there.  I’m talkin’ a shitload of ’em.  So check out this (likely NSFW) chick with freckles.  Also, Olivia Munn, Emma Watson, that chick from “Fringe”, and that super-busty chick from that show I don’t watch.  Even then, there’d better be some consistency.  The best way I can describe it as that the skin resembles some delicious desert.  Single-flavor icecream, yogurt, pudding, butter – something that I want in my mouth with little to no chewing.  Cinnamon and caramel?  Fuck yeah.  Toffee that can melt in my mouth?  Sure.  Toffee with nuts crumbled on top?  Not so much.

Boobs –

  • Size – don’t care.  Big, small, medium.  A new study says that the average woman’s bra size has gone up from the 36C of the past decade to a 36D.  Big ol’ boobs, ya’ll.  They’re everywhere.
  • Perkiness – pretty big deal to me.  This isn’t the most important thing ever, but has been known to trump size and cleavage.  If they are super perky, I want them in my mouth.  I’ve actually picked a chick with some B’s (looked more like A’s, actually…) over another chick with some D’s ’cause they were so perky.  They were all, “Hey, how’s it goin’?  I bet you’re really like to pop me in your mouth, wouldn’t you?  It’s been a lovely day!”
  • Roundness/fullness – Sadly, this is often inversely proportional to perkiness.  Not sadly, there are lovely B and C cups out there to brighten my day.  Not always, but often enough they call out to me with perkiness and roundy-fullness singing, “What a lovely day to do the lady all downward dog, gripping onto us lovelies while they bounce up and down.  Later on, she’ll be on top and we’ll be slapping you in the face!  OH JOY!!!”
  • Firmness – You might think this was covered between perkiness and roundness, but it really isn’t.  Firmness often can’t be seen, but rather has to be touched.  You can probably guess after touching a lot.  Anyway, the firmness that I prefer is firm, but with some give.  Kind of like a perfectly fresh citrus (though not quite).  Melons are far too firm.  What am I grabbin’ here, a muscle?  Whatever.  Perfectly fresh pears are way too squishy, even assuming that my thumb doesn’t go through the skin, which… is really not something that I want.  Avocados get pretty close, but the skin being so rigid with the flesh being so squishy… just not a good balance.  Some fake boobs are far too firm, while some feel a lot like a loosely filled water bed.  I’m not into either.  In fact, I’m often just not into fake boobs.  I mean, if they’re great then they’re great.  But really, I like the more on the firm side with nice give and great bounce – B’s & C’s win again (if you’re keeping track).
  • Cleavage – is a fuckin’ lie.  I’ve actually heard some really interesting (and hilarious) observations and hypotheses about what the deal is with cleavage and why it attracts men so much.  I admit that it can be a real eye catcher, but as I am very inquisitive and very pervy, I am absolutely going to wonder further.  I am going to try to get a better look at the sides, the bottom, the shape.  A lot of women use their cleavage as a trick.  I can’t blame you ladies for this – it’s a fuckin’ battlefield out there.  Still, I’m onto you.  If I see that the bottom of your rack is abnormally high, you’re either cheating or your boobs are weird.  If they’re all V’ed in on the side? – Trick or weird.  Is it obvious that your bra is two sizes too small? – Trick or you didn’t learn right.  Square or somehow angeled?  Trick or weird.
  • “Radness” – Indescribable thing that we all know when we see.  Katy Perry does not have the biggest, firmest, roundest rack in showbiz, but man are those sweater cows amazing!  I’m not the type of guy that’s into titty fucking, but man… yeah.  I’d totally try to angle for that with her.
  • Proportion – The cop out way to describe this is to say that I want it to be a perfect balance of the things that I like from the other subcategories listed above.  Done.

Buns – A good pair of buns have a lot in common with a good set of boobs.  I can’t stand flat asses.  I like a nice booty, and to me that has range.  Paris Hilton and Kate Hudson’s non-asses are not at all attractive to me.  Jessica Alba is as small as I’ll go – which I know may seem smaller from certain angles, but you’re not seeing the correct angle.  Hayden Panettiere?  Not a good ass.  Scarlett Johansson?  Pretty neat ass. Kim Kardashian’s massive deal is about as big as I’ll go. Neicy Nash is too much ass for me.  If you are man enough to handle that ass, good on you.  We’ll high-five and fist-pump later.  What the asses that I like all have in common is roundness, assumable firmness, perkiness, and “the bump”.  Not that those qualities are the same for each, but that each has found a delicious ass-balance.  It comes out at least just enough to say, “Hey, I’m some booty.  How about a grab?” but not so much that it’s all, “Whoa!  We’re gunna need backup!”.  Ass cleavage can also lie, but if you can check that against rear-camel, you’ve got yourself a deal.  Also, the hips are for realz.  I completely believe in the .70 waist/hip ratio (especially if you’re talking circumference and not front width).

Legs – While I like long, slender, athletic legs, I wouldn’t call that a must have.  The must have is that they aren’t stubby, oddly proportioned, or oddly proportional to the rest of the body.  Charlize Theron and Beyonce both have awesome legs, and those legs are very different.  Toned.  Magic.

Back & Shoulders – Fuck if I could ever explain this, but some chicks just have something sexy happening in their back and shoulder regions.  Don’t believe me?  Then I guess you’ve never heard of an open-backed dress.  Maybe it congers up thoughts of grabbin’ on to those innocuous areas while shit gets real.  Maybe it’s just a sight-line thing that brings me from lips to hips.

Midsection – While I have found the occasional six-pack on a chick to be hot, I usually don’t.  I guess I fall into the average range of men with this one, where we like it trim and firm, but with some healthy “woman fat”.  That’s probably the least PC way that I read it, and I’m sticking by it.  Firm and toned is sexy, but rigid and bumpy is… not.

Other (nails, hands, feet, etc.) – I kind of already answered this one.  Just don’t have gross hands, nails, and feet.  Worn nail polish is sometimes hot.  Long nails often look painful in bed for various reasons.

So that’s Part 2.  Part 3 will be more of this crap, but with other parts.  Stay tuned for ass-lovin’.

My Attraction Attributes Scale – Part 1: What I’m Looking At

I find the very concept of attraction to be infinitely intriguing.  There are different kinds of attraction, different reasons to be attracted to a person/place/thing, and different factors that add or detract from your overall attraction to said jazz.  Even when delving into my own personal attraction to the fairer sex, I am often surprised at what I find.  The biggest oddities are usually when a factor that tends to be ignored suddenly becomes a big deal for me (like if I find a hairstyle super-hot, as I usually don’t give a fuck about your dumb hairstyle).  When I delve into the attraction that others feel, I find that we tend to have a lot in common.  However, the things we don’t have in common are profound.

I’m no genius.  Trust me, I had trouble spelling that.  I’m not a researcher, I’m not running a survey, and I don’t have a grant.  I’ve been reading through some of the studies (frivolously) researched and published by universities, think tanks, and various respected Scientists and researchers.  I’ve come across some bat-shit crazy things, much of which being explained well enough for a laymen to understand (though often mis-explained or poorly analyzed).

I’m gunna jack around with all of that.  The plan is to take my interest in this and figure out some kinda… something.  I don’t know, dudes, I’m still working on it all.  I’m up to about four and a half posts in daft on this subject, and I need to post one of them to give myself some sort of direction.  Alright, let’s start with what I’m looking at.  I’m going to define some terms (that I make up/assign according to my own thinky, not any of the official jimjams), and expand from there.  Here we go:

UPDATE: I forgot eyebrows, and am adding that in now.  Thanks go to reader Thunderbunny37.  Check out her blog.

Physical Stuff

I’ll talk about the physical part of the women first, not because I find it to be the most important.  On the contrary, I agree with the sentiment that personality goes a long way.  Personality maybe even wins over all else, but I put the physical first because I seem to have the best grasp of it.  Both in understanding my likes and dislikes, and in how to describe those things.

Face – Literally just the face.  This can be tough, as the face is easily and often altered and augmented by other factors (make up, piercings, etc.)

Hair – Literally the hair itself, which is tied directly (though not the same as) hairstyle

Eyes – Not the stuff around the eyes, though I recognize that eye shadow and even a sweater can confuse this item

Eyebrows – I care so little about your eyebrows.  I don’t know any guys who ever ever mention eyebrows as an attraction factor, so I’m not likely to even bring them up in my likes/dislikes.  Here’s what I wrote at Thunderbunny37:

“Her:… You should also mention eyebrows.

Me: That’s a good point. I only notice them if they are crazy perfect, crazy gross, or just plain crazy.

I think I’m going to use that line.

Her: Eyebrows make a chick very self concious.

If you’re in between a waxing you swear everyone is staring.

Me: Yeah, and that’s kinda odd to me”

FYI – I’m not staring.

Complexion – Maybe this is a bit too blanket of a term, but I’m using it to cover skin color, tone, shade, consistantly, etc.

Boobs – You know, those things.  They’re rad, stop pretending that they aren’t.  Size, perkiness, roundness/fullness, firmness, cleavage, “radness”, proportion.

Buns – And yes, if your sweats have a word back there, I’m going to use that as an excuse to check it all out.  Same basic stuff as boobs, though there’s a subset of firmness that I can only think to call “tightness”.  ‘Cause a big-ol’ ass can be great, but if its like Jell-o, I don’t dig it.  I’ve seen a small ass that was Jell-o like, and it was fuckin’ strange.

Legs – Length, width, etc.

Back & Shoulders – This is a lot more difficult to understand, but I think that we all know when we see some of this that we don’t like

Midsection – Size, firmness, proportion, definition.

Other (nails, hands, feet, etc.) – This isn’t the style of the nails, by the by.  More like if the nails are gross or nonexistent, that can totally ruin a chick.  I generally ignore (or at least take for granted) this stuff.  I am neither into nor disgusted by feet.  I’m not into hand jobs and I realize that just about everyone probably has an old scar on a hand or foot.  I’ve dated dancers before, and their feet are fucking atrocities.  It’s fine, as long as they aren’t as gross as bound feet.  Those are unacceptable.  Sorry if you got ’em, but your parents screwed.  Hands mostly don’t matter either.  Assuming you don’t have man-hands or some kind of flipper, no big deal.  If you lost a hand or foot, I’m not gunna lie, it does matter.  But a missing hand is much less of an issue than a claw.  Hot chick that’s missing a hand? I’m still down.

Style

Generally speaking, style matters the absolute least to me.  That being said, now is a good time to reiterate that any one thing could put me over the edge on a chick – positive or negative.  With style, it’s usually just the final push that my relative attraction or lack there of needs to decide.

Hairstyle – Directly ties to the hair itself, but can sometimes trump it.  Generally speaking, your hair doesn’t matter to me.  That’s for you and your girls to get too excited over.  This isn’t always true.  If the hair is styled in a way that shows off or accentuates a rad thing about your face, cool.  It’s not really the hair that I’m looking at, but the hair helps.  If your hair is hot pink and blue raspberry colored, that could also be cool.  It’s hard to say why, I just know that it is.

Clothes/shoes – I put these together, though I know that most women and fashion conscience men would likely have every aspect be separate.  I tend to find that people have one, consistent style across all of their clothes and shoes.  Most t-shirt and jeans chicks have one or two knock-out dresses hidden in the back of their closet.  Most “Plastics” have a shitty pair of jeans and an old t-shirt for gardening and chores.  I’ll bet it is rare that a “Plastic” just happens to have an Emo wardrobe.  I’d also bet that few Goths have some “pretty-preps” outfits that they put on from time to time.  I’m not saying there aren’t any, but that it isn’t typical.

Accessories – I think this tends to go with the clothes/style, but some chicks put all of their style into their accessories.  They dress Target but carry Prada.  By the by – I don’t find that hot.  I assume that it was either a gift or that your priorities are all fucked up.  Your earrings only make you special to your friends.  I’m probably never going to notice your brooch, and if I notice your necklace it’s probably because it is obnoxious.

Makeup – I don’t have anything against makeup, but I tend to prefer not knowing that it is there.  I don’t really think that lip balm counts, but pretty much anything more than that probably counts.  Makeup can hot up a chick if it’s crazy.  Like Goth Chicks, Emos, and Scene Girls.  On a normal girl, I find eye shadow a little strange.  Not necessarily bad, but could go bad easily.

Accent – No, I don’t mean highlights.  I mean your speaky talky.  I put it under style ’cause I don’t really know where else it belongs, and it isn’t really intangible (in this sense).  I don’t find any one accent immediately sexy, and often find French and German accents a turn off.  Bavarian accents are rad.  Some of the British accents are hot, but not Welsh.  Irish and Scottish are usually hot on a lady.  Japanese-, Chinese-, and Korean-American are sexy.  Indian-Londoner is super-hot.  I find Kiwi accents sexier than Aussie, but both are good.  Some of the Latina accents are sexy, but I haven’t heard enough to know which is which.  I do know that girls from Mexico City sound very different from girls from Monterrey, and both sound extremely different from the Portuguese language based accents (Brazilian).  I could go on for days about this, and might in a future post.

Intangibles

This is the stuff that can’t directly be seen or heard.  Actually, that’s a terrible definition… but fuck if I know how to give a better one.  You know – who are you?  What’s your deal?  I find that most of this really only matters with relationships (whether fo-realzies or a friends with benefits situation), but can quickly become an issue with one night stands.

Personality – This is often (though not always) projected by style, at least the surface part.  In other words, we all kind of prejudge each other at least a little (and sometimes accurate) by how we look.  If I see an Emo chick, I can expect you to be all emotional.  I can also expect them to really fuckin’ get into a make-out session.  I love that stuff.  Plastics are often vapid.  Preppy black chicks tend to like Country music (which is odd), and Goth black chicks tend to be into anime, metal, and video games (which I don’t find odd at all).  But that’s a shallow look at it all.  It’s really everything from introvert/extrovert, general demeanor, taste, quirks, etc.  This is almost certainly too blanket of a subsection, but I’ll give it another once over before I wrap up this whole thing.  Just keep in mind that while I am really into video games and Science, I might find a chick with the same interests to be really annoying.  I assume this is the same for most people.  Spontaneousness is overblown.  Not that I don’t dig it from time to time, but a girl that plans and stays on top of shit is better.  A super together chick that sometimes does shit out of the blue, now that’s rad.

“Will/Can do” – Dishes, cooking, cleaning, taking out the trash, helping me fix a hole in my wall, sharing hobbies, help (or at least hang out) while I dick around with car maintenance/repair, fish, camp, gussy-up for an opera and fine meal, force me to go out when I know I should but really don’t want to, goes out and stays in on a whim, willingness to try new things (especially food and drink), etc.

“Will Do” Sexual – This is what you like and what you’re willing to do in a sexual situation.  I suppose that this is also what you have done.  If you’re willing to give buttsecks a try, I’m gunna dig you a little more.  If you’re a total skank, I’m gunna like you a bit less.  If you won’t even consider giving a BJ or getting crazy somewhere, you’re too boring for me.  If you let some dude take a shit on your chest, please don’t talk to me.  Ever.  The fuck is wrong with you.

Chemistry, I fuckin’ guess – There’s no real way to define this, no matter how many times Cosmo tries.  If we click, then that’s it.  Sometimes the click includes some amount of friction.  Some times it don’t.

tl;dr – there’s a lot of shit that goes into attractiveness, and I dig anal.

So much more to come on all of this.  Next up – what I like and dislike in these areas.

Stuff I Hate in Porn

So I’m still working on this big assed post, which has actually grown into a gigantic, trumped up, multi-post deal.  And it isn’t finished.  My bads, yo’.  Clearly, I need to post something at least half fun to keep you coming back until I actually finish that jizz jazz.  I’ve noticed you like lists.  I’ve heard you enjoy my filth.  Let’s have ourselves a list of shit that I hate in porn.

Aaron’s Ma’Fuckin’ Bigass and Growin’ Unordered List of Shit That I Hate in Porn!… Bitches!:

  • Fake “squirting”
  • Real “squirting” that lasts more than a second or produces more than a few cubic centimeters of fluid
  • Thick lady jizz (fine in person, super-gross in porn)
  • Bad dirty talk
  • Excessive dirty talk, regardless of quality
  • Fake semen
  • Lots of real semen
  • Lack of any semen
  • Hand jobs.  Noone alive has had a good one in real life, how is anyone making a fantasy of it.
  • Obviously painful anal.
  • Lack of anal – especially when a girl would obviously do anal (perhaps in the coat room of a party or the alley outside of the nightclub she just left)
  • Urine
  • Urine being passed off as “squirting”
  • Vomit
  • Gagging.  In case you didn’t know, it’s basically vomit
  • Poop
  • Poop, especially in the mouth
  • Lack of asslicking on a perfect ass for asslicking
  • Asslicking of an ass that does not look clean or otherwise fit for such an act
  • How to explain that licking ass is not the same as poop in the mouth, because I like to lick ass but never, ever want poop in my mouth (not really a porn thing, more of a real life problem I have)
  • Asslicking on the guy.
  • Assfingering on the guy.
  • Ass sniffing.  Just… why?
  • Some of the music that gets played with the sex happening.  There is no good porn, to include amateur goth porn, for the “music” of scream-o.
  • Monster dicks.  No, I get it.  Big dicks, even huge dicks are perfectly fine.  I don’t get monster dicks.  If it’s bigger than Peter North/Ron Jeremy, it’s confusing and horrible.  It’s like Hentai without the fun.  Also – most of them are fake.  Obviously fake.  What the fuck is that for?
  • Giant dildos.  It does not make me hot to see a chick shove the Louisville Slugger into her twat, or worse, ass.  How is that supposed to work for me?  “Ah, shit ya!  Look at how fucking loose she is, baby!  I could never feel her pussy, and she’d never know I was in it!”
  • Fisting.  I get it in real life, but I never want it done to me, and I never want to be with a girl who is into that.
  • Anal Fisting.
  • Fingering the pee-hole (dude or chick.  Especially dude, ’cause I’m one of them.)
  • Spitting
  • Spitting in the mouth.
  • Cum swapping
  • “Snowballing” – the act of swapping the cum back to the producer of said cum.
  • Lingering on the “creampie” – creampie simply being finishing inside the vagina.  That’s fine, but once it’s done, I wanna see face or boob.  No more staying there.
  • Lingering on the anal “creampie”
  • Gaping
  • Gaping “Creampie”
  • Gaping Anal “Creampie”
  • “Winking”
  • “Winking Creampie”
  • “Winking Anal Creampie”
  • A Lingering Shot of “Winking Gaping Anal Creampie”
  • That one angle (you know the one) that they think focuses on the penetration action, because all it really focuses on is the dude’s hairy asshole
  • Punching
  • Non-playful choking
  • Slapping
  • Switching scenes before the first one has finished
  • Jersey accents (Some Jersey chicks get a pass on this one)
  • Stupid, douche-y, asshat fratboys getting good tail and bragging while doing so.
  • This movement away from “girls next door” and into “total whores”
  • “Blumpkin”
  • Gang bangs.
  • Not having many “Reverse” Gang Bangs.  There should be tons of these.
  • Food.  It’s very rarely done right, so I mostly avoid it.
  • Labeling a three-some as an Orgy
  • Beach sex.  Fine for romance, painful in practice, ridiculous in pornography.
  • Taking off the costumes during the performance.  If you ditch the costume, you ditch the fantasy.  Why have them in the first place.
  • Furries
  • Plushies (actually… this is pretty funny, so I guess it gets a pass)
  • Cosplay that doesn’t follow-through
  • Cosplay that blurs out the good stuff
  • Japanese porn, ’cause they almost always blur out the good stuff
  • Visible Tampon String
  • Really bad cosplay, at least when it seems like they were serious about it.
  • Trying to pass off late-20’s-early-30’s as “Jailbait” or “Barely Legal”
  • Labeling a completely legal and legit porn as “Jailbait”.  I’m not saying I’m looking for actual jailbait, but that word means something.  It’s not arbitrary, and the thing it means is not “Wow, she looks young”.  Call it “Almost Jailbait”.  I’m totally gunna click that.
  • Blood
  • Virgin-type blood
  • Condoms for blowjobs.  Trust me, its not fun in real life.
  • Not being able to see the action
  • Lingering on the guy’s face
  • Lingering on the guy’s body
  • Lingering on the guy
  • That super-long shot on the guy making his “Ooo”, “Eee”, and “Err” faces when it’s all close to the end.  That’s not what I want to see when I am at my end.
  • Dude’s backs.
  • Underwater blowjob.  Too confusing.
  • The “Sticky” vagina thing they seem to like in Japan
  • Obviously fake orgasms
  • Obviously not-enjoying it participants
  • Sex positions that include dick-bending.
  • “Rape” or “Snuff”, real or fake.
  • “Tentacle Porn”, unless it’s just for laughs.
  • Finger-sucking
  • “Try-to-hit-everything” porno.  So basically, the porno tries to meet the fantasies and fetishes of all major porn-viewers.  There are two major problems with this – (1) porn makers have no idea what any of us actually like and (2) one man’s turn-on is another man’s turn-off.  Both lead to a ruined porn, or at least a porn that has to be watched in very specific, couple-minute increments.
  • Evan Stone
  • Any group sex where the ratio of girls to guys is heavy on the guys
  • Bad lighting
  • Scratchy, hallow, or otherwise bad audio
  • Razor burn
  • Suspect liquids
  • Lesbians using a double-ended-dildo who obviously don’t know what they’re doing
  • Actually… lesbians using any dildo when they don’t know what they’re doing
  • Dildoing dudes
  • Three-somes where one of the chicks is doing nothing and getting nothing done to her
  • More to come… cum.

 

Technical Words That Sound Dirty

Just like I said in the title, I’m going get dirty without actually getting dirty (actually… I’m totally gunna nasty this up some how).  All words, terms, and phrases from Science, medicine, technology, mechanisms, and nature are acceptable.  Fuck, any word is acceptable, but this is where I’m starting (and feel free to add in).  What do I mean?  I figure that at this point, we should all be acutely familiar with the term “Masticate”.  My generation, especially, has either told countless, terrible jokes with the intent of including that word as a replacement for a wonderfully shameful act that you perform when everyone else in the barracks seems to be asleep, or you have a dumbass friend who has told such jokes to you far too many times.  Anyway, I find it dangerous to masticate in a strip club, though it is perfectly legal.  Here are some other… fuckin’… really sorry about that one:

  • Cloaca
  • Oral (it used to just mean mouth)
  • Anal (I mean, it is now, but…)
  • Homology
  • Homogenizer
  • Uvula
  • Hard Drive
  • 3.5″ Floppy
  • Shank’s Tang
  • Discharge
  • Moist
  • Flank
  • Bung Hole
  • Impact Driver
  • Analyze
  • Torque
  • Pannus
  • Acute Renal Failure
  • Saltpeter
  • Fagaceous
  • Blue Footed Boobie
  • Cockchafer
  • Cambrian Explosion
  • Cambrian Explosion – Especially when followed by “Ooooooooooooh, GUGOOOOUSH!!! SKEET SKEET SKEET SKEET SKEET!  MY 3.5″ FLOPPY DISCHARGED EXCESS ENERGY ALL OVER HER CLOACA!!!”
  • Petri

More to come later.  SKEET SKEET SKEET!!!