A gift and a curse




It has been a while since I was on here.  So much has happened in my life, I don’t know where to begin.

First, I have joined the twitter revolution. Follow me @amazingjtimbs


I guess what is most on my mind right now is the gift/ curse I got from my cat lady mother in law.  Yes one of those cat ladies.  Doesn’t have running water, or food, but manages to scrape enough together to buy food for almost 100 feral cats.  She is in a program called community cats of md.  Basically, community cats rounds up all the wild cats in your neighborhood, then drops them off in her yard.  Grateful I don’t have one of these broads in my hood.

Now I am an asshole, and a douche. Naturally I called animal control anonymously.  I then waited for the aftermath.  For 2 fucking weeks. Nothing. So I called again. That is when I learned that animal control can’t take cats from crazy cat people enrolled in this program to “save” animals.  How about them apples, you get a crazy cat lady in your neighborhood, she signs up with these fucks and you got 100 fucking cats that you can’t do shit about. It is so bad, that when she saw her shrink, the shrink said she can’t come in cause she smelled of cat piss.

Now the Christian in me wants to take pity. I have given her access to fresh clean water, and repeatedly offer my shower, soap, food, water, etc.  I have offered her a place to live, to help her escape the hell she currently is wallowing in.   I know that she has it hard, and most of it self inflicted.  Not really much different than you or I.  Most of my problems are white people problems, and most are caused by my douchie nature.  I try to do what is right, and be a good samaritan, but goodness it is a challenge.

It becomes even more challenging when I find out that my wife, my bed, my house have FLEAS. Yes, disgusting, biting, evil fleas.  Now I don’t have animals, and didn’t have any issues until…. you guessed it, I let her shower here.  Now I have fleas. Shitty.

Does it get better? Come on now, how long have you been reading? Of course it gets better.  MIL is also a gardener.  She GIFTED no CURSED me with a blueberry bush, and a bunch of other cool plants. Like serviceberries. I don’t even know what that is, but it sounds cool.  However, these plants were with her in her cat house.  Cats like to piss and get cat stink on every thing. EVERY THING.

It didn’t even cross my mind that cat piss could be on plants. Would it cross yours?  I was awakened by the sounds of a cat being forcibly raped the other night. I of course investigated.  Turns out it wasn’t cat rape. It was a cat gang bang. Right on the previously mentioned blues. Now I have the blues. I am running a cat brothel apparently. Wonderful.

tl;dr I am enjoying the sounds of a cat orgy in my backyard nightly, I am a douchebag, HOORAY! And Follow me on twitter @amazingjtimbs

A Quick Note on Pubes

Pubes are gross.


Nah, not really, but I would prefer them kept at a minimum.  The state of a lady’s pubic hair is probably the only aspect of any lady that I don’t like all natural.  Natural nails, hair, skin, teeth, and lips.  I’m not saying don’t paint the nails, don’t dye the hair, don’t tan, don’t take care of those teef, or don’t occasionally paint them lips.  That’s silly.  Don’t be silly.  Rather, that I don’t like FAKE nails.  I typically don’t like extensions or wigs (unless you need it, of course).  I hate – FUCKING HATE – fake tans.  Veneers on them choppers often look weird and feel awkward when kissing, though I do understand when chipped or busted teeth need fixing.  I could use some dental work, myself.  Those lips with collagen are usually super nasty.  I don’t mind a great pair of fake breasts, but I’m extremely picky.  In most cases, I’d much prefer the real ones.  I like a lady to be pretty real, especially with those lovely lady lumps on the chest and rump.

Actually, maybe maintaining the hair about the pubic region doesn’t even count as a fakeness.  I mean, it’s not like they’re getting replacements or anything.  They’re just temporarily removing it.  How can that be fake?  Or maybe my point is more that it isn’t all that natural… I need to swing back around before I get lost in my own semantics again.

In all honesty, I don’t get super-excited for clean shaven puss-dang (trying out some new slang… not going great so far).  I like it, but it’s not required.  I’d need a control group of natural Venus Cock Traps (hmm?) and those in various states of trim and shave to choose a real preference.  For now, I think I like the landing strip the most.  Regardless, I like it at least trimmed.  Nice and neat.  I’ve heard several arguments against this, some of which circle around a physical need to protect le vag i’ ne (better?) from the elements.   Most surround this notion that men who want women shaved clean clams (classic) actually want prepubescent girls.  These are both extremely fuck-tarded arguments.  Here’s why:

The “Protection from Elements” arguments – In recent times, The Human Race has developed incredible technologies that protect us from all sorts of elements.  Highly technical and specialized equipment such as… Pants.  And Underwear.  Panties, if you will.  Is it really cold out?  How about some Ski Pants?  Going diving in the frigid arctic?  It’s called a Dry Suit.  Is it balls-swassing hot outside?  Yeah, that hair’s gunna do you wonders.  Gunna be reeeal comfortable.

The “Men are Perverts Out to Bang Your Kids” arguments – As an adult male with a car, facial hair, and a bank account, I’m betting that picking up a prepubescent girl is likely easier than swaying a good looking, together, self-sufficient adult woman ever is.  SHIT, the work I have to put in ladies, just to get a nipple to make an appearance.  This… this is maybe not the best retort I’ve ever had on the surface, but think about it – if we really did just want prepubescent women, wouldn’t we just go get them?  And if this desire were so prevalent, why the hell did we develop laws against it?  Why would it be taboo?  How could the “MILF” and “Cougar” sexual archetypes exist?  I suppose I can’t really speak for society, but I can speak for me – I want a woman, not a girl.  I like curves.  I like definition.  I like the musculature of an adult woman.  I like the lines of a woman.  They inspire exotic sports cars.  They dance on our minds at night and distract us in the waking hours.  They start wars, end eras, drive men and lezzies ever forward.  They make dirty boys like me get all riled up for some nasty-nasty SO MUCH that I actually bother to roll out of bed and try to make something of my self every damn morning.  You think I’d put up with this shit if there was no chance of snagging some sexy Sally?  Of course not, dumb-dumb.  Them curves are like handles for us to grab onto while we gets to tuggin’ and thrustin’, and tuggin’ and thrustin’ is where it’s at.  Your pubic hair doesn’t tell me shit about your age.  Some women grow shit-loads of hair before they cross the “still not legal, but much less creepy” line.  Some women will never have more then a light tuft of hair.  It tells me nothing.  If that’s really how it works, then why is a clean shaven face on a man preferred by so many women?  Are you saying that you like prepubescent boys?  No.  Of course you aren’t.  It’s mostly aesthetics and functionality.  Men do tend to be drawn to youth, but not little girls.  Especially not little girls pu-yangs (ugh).

So why do I like it shaved or trimmed?  Two simple concepts.  1) Odor Trap 2) I eat vag, not hair.

1) Hair traps odor.  Yes, your pussy stinks.  Every slit-trench (really bad one, sorry) does at least a little.  Sometimes it is a rather appealing and sometimes it is rather appalling.  Usually, it’s just a thing.  Neither good nor bad, it just smells like… well, like snatch (not the movie).  But if we both just got home from work or a long night out, I’m less inclined to put my nose in swampy jungle than a roadway or lightly dewy plain.  Sounds gross?  Well, it is.  Don’t feel bad about it, it’s just a part of being a person.  People are groady.  Get used to it.  I’ll bet that the pubes of a guy are pretty nasty after a long day’s work, too.  Maybe more-so.  It’s why I never skip a shower.  I’ll bet a lot of you ladies would prefer that we shave, and I’m sure we would if you asked.  I’ve done it for a girlfriend before despite how much I dislike doing it.  I’ve done it even though I fucking hate how I look without my crotch-mane, so I speak from experience.

2) If you get me in the sack, I’m giving it my all.  Making me cum is no great task.  I do it pretty much every day, sometimes more than once.  It’s easy.  It can sometimes take a while, can sometimes take a matter of seconds, but usually only needs a few minutes.  I bring this up so it doesn’t sound so douchey or pompous or however it sounds when I say my next piece – what gets me going most in bed is when I can tell that I’m genuinely pleasing a lady.  If she’s faking and I can tell (and I’m sure that I can’t always tell), it really bums me out.  If she’s a dead fish and I have no indication as to her enjoyment, it kills me.  If it’s really bad, sometimes I’ll just quit.  Really, what’s the fucking point in continuing?  But if she’s losing it, writhing in ecstasy, moaning and curling her toes, doing that super-stiff-push-pull-body-seize thing?  Oh yeah, that’s the stuff.  No man’s dick is magic, least of all mine.  However, I can pull off some near-magic spells when I go down on a chick.  Given my desire to drive a woman wild, you can see how I might want to do this.  Add to it that I give it my all, consider that I might not be paying a lot of attention to non-essential items in the area.  This is the same reason that I don’t care for clit and labia piercings.  I don’t need that shit in my teeth, my nose, all over my tongue, down my throat UGH FUCKIN’ YUCK!  If you want me to sow your love field with my face-plow, please clear it of mines first.  Few things are more awkward than being seconds from finishing a girl off and realizing you have acquired some unwanted dental floss.

Additionally, isn’t it just nice to see evidence that your sexual partner gives some shit about their physical appearance for you?

tl;dr – Clean your uncanny valley so my tease wagon can have clear passage without breaking an axle and none of the pioneers get dysentery.

Are we clear about this?  I know there are more arguments for and against trimming/shaving, and I’m happy to entertain them all.  If I’m wrong, I’m wrong.  But really, it’s hard to be wrong about one’s opinion, so go ahead and share yours (even if it is clearly wrong).

Front butt?