Dirty Talk Thursday – The Return

This is going to be a little shorter than most Dirty Talk Thursday posts, but I gotta get back into the swing of regular posting again. Plus, I want to do more than just tease future posts with vague assed, “hey, there’s gunna be a thing!” threats. So today, I’m going to share some quick notes on another crossing of two of my major traits – 1) Big ol’ Nerd & 2) Big ol’ Perv.

I’ve been compiling sex stats again.

Yes.

There will be another sweet-assed-chart.

Once again, the chart isn’t exactly going to be Scientific. On the other hand, at least this time I have a bit more data to cross reference. The data I have been collecting has been all about hooking up, what goes into making a hookup happen, and the information that I have observed that women want before hooking up.

It may be a while before that goes up, though, for two major reasons. The first is sample size. I need more instances to feel good about statistically declaring that, “So… this is a thing.” This has so far involved me going through as many of my previous attempts at hookups, successful and otherwise, as possible and doing some data entry. Emails, gChats, AOL IMs, onlinebootycall.com messages, match.com things, etc. That won’t be enough data, either, so I’ve also started just tossing out hookup invites/emails/craigslistings just to get more info, even though I’m in kind of a weird place right now and don’t think I’d act on any hits, if we’re just going to be clinical and call them that. and yeah, I’ll pro’lly get around to talking about that weird place I’m in another time. just not now.

I’m going through all of the hookup attempts, pulling all of the relevant info that I can, and plugging it all into a fairly robust spreadsheet. It’s robust enough that I may need to brush up on pivot tables again. I’m even trying to include stats on when something I said or did probably influenced what she said or did and would skew results. For instance, one of the stats is whether or not the girl asked me about any specific sex acts. I think it would be interesting to know how common that happens, but I think it is a more interesting stat if it was asking independently of influence. So if she asks me if I like reverse cowgirl, that gets tallied. But if she asked that following me asking her if she likes giving handjobs, that also gets tallied and would count against her answer in this instance in a weighted statistic. If she wants to know how I feel about “tango foxtrot” but I first asked her if she had any fetishes, same deal. But if we’ve only done the basic intros and preliminary planning and she’s all, “So my last boyfriend was really into anal, which is weird… I mean, unless you’re into it… I mean we could give it a… Just for fun..?” That counts.

I’ll get more into the details of the data I’m collecting when I actually out the results out there. Maybe I’ll drop some thoughts as I get closet to that happening in the mean time. The other thing that will take time is actually going through my data, plotting it, and seeing if I can pull some trends or whatever. To me, the raw data is very interesting. However, the most interesting parts come from the trending, comparisons, and extrapolations.

On that note, I actually already have a trend that I feel fairly comfortable sharing. You know how damn near every study about female sexual preferences and attraction ever always say that cock size doesn’t matter? Well, I’m pretty sure they are all full of shit. Up to this point with over 200 instances (and no, I have not hooked up with even a fraction of those instances), far and away the most frequently, uninfluenced, not-prompted questions that I get asked are direct inquiries about the size of my Johnson. I get asked that so often and from so many different types of women that if it doesn’t matter, than I don’t understand things.

That being said, I wouldn’t say that they are looking for the giant trouser snakes that every porno and frat guy would have us believe we need to have. Hell, some even seem to prefer smaller than the (probably also bullshit) self-reported average of six to seven inches. But I don’t think there is a trend towards a specific size. In fact, I think most end up resulting in wanting a picture of the thing. Which, by the way, sending a dick pic… Pretty weird sensation.

Like I said, we’ll see what the final results are. That one just stuck out to me. Probably because even though I am now completely comfortable with my own “fun sized” package these days, I seem to unwittingly be amount the huge statistic of men that are obsessed with the dimensions of their own disaster area. Yeah. And you chicks thought you had body image problems. Ours could actually result in functional issues.

tl;dr – Dirty Talk Thursday is back; I’m collecting a big pile of sex stats; broads totally care about cock size… I think.

Oh, and another thing – not a lot of single women live alone, according to my stats. I’d like to cross that with some census info to see if I maybe the type of women I’m encountering are relatively unique and thus skewing results no matter what.

Porno-Post Primer

And I probably shouldn’t tease it so much, especially knowing that this fabled post can’t possibly live up to the hype.  Let’s all get on the same page here just in case this is your first time here.

I am a man who enjoys pornography.  Frankly, I am a man who enjoy all (well… most) things sex, intimacy, foreplay, foolin’s, and jazz like that.  Porno is more of an extension… nah, maybe not even that.  Sometimes it’s a substitute, sometimes it’s a supplement.  Sometimes it’s background noise or just happens to be porno but is really just something interesting or distracting to google.  You could say I’m desensitized to it, but then you’d be a stupid cunt who doesn’t know what they fuck you’re talking about.  Like some dumb-fuck who thinks that video games or movie violence turns kinds into hardcore killers and that all of these evils are the cause of our decline in society.  ‘Cause you know, sex and violence never existed before film.  Tell me again, which video game was Genghis Khan really into?  What was Jack the Ripper’s favorite porn?

Sorry, didn’t mean to digress and all that.  That’s a subject for another time.  A time that, I suspect, I’ll be pretty riled up and raring for a fight.  But that’s not today.

When considering what I like in porn, erotica, and saucy puppet shows, I realized that as filthy and depraved as I may sometimes think of myself, there is quite a lot of stuff that I do not like.  One of my first realizations was just how many porn stars I can’t stand.  No joke, there are people in porn of both genders that can completely ruin a video or pictorial for me.  Top of mind is Evan Stone.  I wouldn’t chance googling him while at work – he’s a porn star.  That can’t possibly return many results that aren’t NSFW.  I’ll give a quick descriptor and I have a feeling that if you’ve seen any professional/main stream porn then you’ll know who I’m talking about.  He’s that long haired, large and muscular, white-guy with a face that looks like The Joker from several versions of Batman comics and cartoons.  Actually, I think he played The Joker in the most recent porno parody of Batman.  (edit – he’s also the featured picture, so… yeah. I found the picture after writing.  I could have cut the last few sentences, but why cut a chance to clown his fuckhead?)

Now, one might wonder how he can ruin my porno.  He’s a guy and shouldn’t be the focus of the video, right?  Wrong.  For some reason, porn directors and cameramen can’t fucking help but fill the screen with his awful mug every chance they get.  One second I’m looking at a nice pan-down of some boobies bouncing about and some curvy hips wriggling to a (kinda grossly oversized) dude and things are working out.  The next second it’s a closeup of that piece of shit’s horrible “O” face.  What an incredibly punchable face.  On top of that, I can’t help thinking about what I’ve heard from various radio interviews with various pornstars that have worked with him.  The say he’s an ignorant, arrogant, asshole with bad hygiene and an overall terrible attitude toward women.  The second some shit like that plays through my mind, I’m fuckin’ out.  Time to either find a different porn or zip up and deal with my shithead-inflicted blueballs.

But it’s not just horrible looking meatheads that ruin my porn.  It’s sometimes the women, too.  Yeah yeah, har har, I know there’s a really hilarious joke in there.  Knock yourself out.  I’m moving on.

I imagine most of us, at one point or another, figured that all women of pornography must be the most attractive women out there, short of actual stars of stage and screen.  I also think that most of us now realize that this isn’t true, and I’m guessing that you, like me, didn’t need that long to figure that out.  I don’t know what the ratio of attractiveness is but I’m guessing that less then half of all women in porn are better than mildly attractive.  Of them, it’s probably less than half that are truly hot/sexy/cute or whathaveyou.  There must be much fewer who actually count as beautiful and maybe one or two in a lifetime that count as gorgeous or whatever.  I suppose these terms are subjective so take a hot second to understand that our definitions may not be the same but that I’m trying to convey a sort of attractiveness delta – the more attractive the less likely you are to find it in porn.  Maybe in the back-in-the-day I could watch a barely attractive women in porn but these days I really just can’t.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  Some of the pornchicks that I find attractive no longer appeal to me.  Really.  It’s not even a change in taste.  My best current example is Jenna Haze.  I think that chick is great.  As a person, she seems fairly intelligent and certainly business savvy.  She has a very pretty face and her petite body with just-a-bit supple ass are pretty rad in my eyes.  But I just can’t watch anything that she’s in anymore.  Between a handful of really awful and sometimes scary porno scenes she’s been a part of and a few really-over-the-fucking-top stage appearances at my local strip club, I have become some very turned off by her that I have stopped enjoying any of her scenes.  I can’t enjoy her regular scenes, anal, girl-guy-girl scenes, lesbian stuffs, stuffing lesbians, etc.  My mind always gets stuck on some kind of gross-assed grossness.

So I started wondering, “Are there any porn stars that I can actually still enjoy?”  At this point, I’m pretty sure that the vast majority of my porn viewing habits revolve around amateur, and I mean really amateur.  Not that stupid bullshit where it’s a full production video that just happens to have one or two people in the room that haven’t appeared in a few dozen videos.  Not the stupid “amateur” when all involved are internet porn celebrities.  You can fuck off with your stupid bang-bus bullshit.  Right now, my favorites would be hard to find.  It’s mostly just a couple or some mix of people with handy cams and smartphones taking pictures and videos of some real-ass sex (especially if it’s real ass-sex).  But there are some pornstars that I do still enjoy and sometimes watch.

I started a list.  I started teasing it some time ago.  I actually figured that I could bang out a quick top 10 list of porn stars that I love in a few days.  I was wrong.  For a few weeks, I couldn’t even think of three that didn’t completely repulse me.  I started to think that I should just pick a few that I’d never really seen and give a quick look-in.  If I didn’t full on hate the videos, I’d just go ahead and slip them into my list.  Make a quick write up.  Call it a post.  It wouldn’t be great and I wouldn’t feel great about it, but whatever.  Means to an end, right?

Then over the holiday breaks I found myself feeling… I don’t know, nostalgic? for some porn scenes that I remembered from eras past, both long gone and more recent.  I would look one up and realize that the lead female was a favorite.  After going through this a few times, I started to add them to my list.  I’d being sitting at home writing, reading, playing a game or whatever other screwing around I might be up to and think, “Oh yeah, what about that one video?  What was her name…”  Find another -> add to the list.  Now my list is too long and I need to start cutting.  On top of that, I can actually make a decent post out of it.  Now I just need to figure out how to handle making it possible for readers to easily find my favorite clips without making it too easy to get us all in trouble at work.  I have some ideas, but I’m open to suggestions.  So there it is – I’ll be doing a top ten (or so) porn stars that I actually something or other.  I’m not married to that name.

tl;dr – Evan Stone is fuck-off disgusting and ruins good porn.  Will someone please take that fucking horse out to the shed and put him out of my misery?

Fuck, he’s gross.  And it’s a real bummer about Jenna.  On looks alone, she really does something for me.

I like a nice, aggressive lapdance

And then a note on a 2012 goal.

But the lappy first.  As many red blooded, vibrant, living, heterosexual, male human beings, I have a certain fondness for women.  This fondness spans a great reach of reasons, both physical and non-corporeal.  Companionship.  Love.  Friendship.  Compassion.  Fuckin’.  The lap dance doesn’t really fall neatly into in one category and may in fact be a category of one.  But that’s not something I would like to debate today.  Rather, I’d just like to acknowledge that it can be quite a lot of fun and that it offers an often great, though brief, close, physical experience with the fairer sex.

Which is all fine and good and usually something that I don’t much care about.  Not the close physical experience, that is.  I mean, let’s not get crazy.  I love’s dah booty and dah boobies.  However, these experience in the form of a lap dance are usually pretty lame.  You get a bit riled up, you can’t touch the lady.  You are not likely to get touched by the lady.  They reek of cocoa butter, bad perfume, and strong liquor.    Some are hot but most are a little haggard.  Ridden hard and hung up wet.  They look depressed and probably are.  They often don’t work hard for the tip and rarely deserve it.  But sometimes… yeah, sometimes.

At the strip club that my friends and I frequent most, the experience is usually no different.  However, there are a handful of regular strippers that are not so regular.  There are a few white chicks with awesome bodies and/or awesome faces.  There is one black chick who is just a fuckin’ knockout.  There used to be a chick from Colombia…. or at least of Colombian decent who was fuck-off hot, along with some other big-boobied, thick-tailed Latina ladies.  But in my pat few visits I seem to have been getting lappies from the same chick, and I just can’t seem to help it.

She’s not super beautiful.  In fact, I might say she’s average at best, though it’s difficult to know for sure with all of the poor lighting, drunken haze, and blahblahblah.  At some point she coerced me into getting a lap dance from her.  She grabbed my hand and tugged me to the dark, sleazy, dance area.  I skeptically sat down and spread my legs in that oh-so-familiar fashion.  She sat on my lap and said, “Let’s wait for the next song” which I though was pretty considerate, being that this song had just started.  If it’s that close to the beginning, most of the dancers just get started.  Instead, she asked me to give her a back rub.  Pretty cool.  The back rub turned into a side rub and a butt rub and then a new song started.  And she immediately started grinding.  And man, do I ever mean grinding.  Her ass was crushed, full-force against my now hard, throbbing junk.  It was as if her ass were the pestle, my lap the mortar, and my dick was some secret collection of roots and crystals meant to be pulverized to release essential oils and some kind of incredible, magical substance meant for ancient incantations.  In a good way.  She stood up and planted my hands on the cushions of the couch we were sharing, spun around, and brought her less-than-ample yet still appealing breasts to eye level.  She pulled in close, arching back and forward to keep in full contact, rubbing her crotch, belly, boobs, and face against my loins before sliding back up, this time past bringing her left leg over my head and sliding her panties to the side.  Pretty cool.  Facing me, she pinned her hips to mine and started grinding my hog again.  If not for the stiffness of denim and the occasional pass-over from the front button on my boxers, it would have felt as though I were inside of her.  She pulled in more, exhaled into my ear and bit the upper lobe.  She reached down and grabbed it – and I mean really, really grabbed it hard – somehow managing to get a full grip in spite of the jeans in the way and motion about with it for a while.  She did a bit of all of those move over and over until the song started to come to a close and frankly, so did I.  If that song were just a few seconds longer, I might have gone all cumsies in my pantzies, and that would have been quite a joyful embarrassment.

When the song finished, she mostly stopped the lappy, instead just sitting there on that club in my pants.  At that time, I could have probably used it to club rocks.  She asked if I wanted another, and I almost said “yes”, knowing that it could only end one way.  Instead, I said no thanks.  I paid her and tipped well.  With what must have looked like an angry squirrel in my pants, I limped back to the table my friends and I had acquired earlier that night.

It was an aggressive lap dance, and it was great.

I got another one (actually two… long story) from her later that same night, and they were somehow better.  Somehow, I say as if I don’t know why.  No, I didn’t finish or anything.  I may, however, have had a nipple in my mouth.  Being that I am quite a fan of nipples, I’d say that was a pretty cool.

Since that night, I’ve been back a few times.  Each time I go with a plan to seek out some mega-hot dancer with big-ol’ boobness and hope for a chance to motorboat, and each time I reluctantly agree to once again receive the best lap dances I’ve ever had.  How she manages to locate my sad little turtle with her tight (I assume) little den with such accuracy absolutely boggles the mind, but one does not ask such questions.  You just sit back and enjoy it.

tl;dr – The lap dance feels like half a step down from actual sex, and I’ll bet she’s awesome in bed.  Suck a booby.

Oh, right.  The goal.  Today’s featured picture is that of me back in my military days.  I forget exactly when it was, but I’m gunna guess 2004 – 2005.  All I know is that it is exactly how I want to look and in 2012 I am going to post that thing all over my house, desk, car, and everywhere else I make poor life and health decisions to remind myself to get as close to looking like that guy as possible.  That’s pretty much that.

Fuck, I really want to go get another lap dance from that skank.

Condom Thoughts

Ever hear the expression, “Do as I say, not as I do”?  Nowadays, I’m the guy saying it.  Sometimes I’m thinking a similar thought about knowing what to do but not doing it.  Most notably with my diet.  There is, however, a very stupid thing that I find myself doing from time to time.  Not wearing a condom.  That’s something that I really need to fix.  I want to say that I always wear it in situations of possible impregnation, but… that’s not entirely true.  There have been times, usually really passionate (though more likely super hammered), when time was not made to slip on a rain jacket.  There have been at least two time when I may or may not have pulled out in time.  Yeah… don’t do that, folks.

In all fairness, I’m not going to ever do what we all should – wear that condom and any other sexual protection you can possibly have during any sexual contact.  If a genital appears, it should be covered.  I’m not doin’ that.  I’m not putting on a rubber for a blowjob.  So here’s a bad list of my condom usage:

Always Wear a Condom

  • Vaginal Intercourse (except… you know, when I’m hammered)

Usually Wear a Condom

  • Buttsecks
  • Wet-humping

Never Wear a Condom

  • Blowjob
  • Handjob
  • Tittyfuck
  • Hot-dogging
  • Doin’ weird shit
  • Whenever my cock isn’t out

tl;dr – If someone’s junk comes out, put a condom on it even though I don’t.  And learn how to use a dental dam.  I also don’t do that, but you should.

You know, I don’t think my penis is really big enough to be referred to as a “cock”.  More of a “prick”.  Hmm?

OH and another thing!  Someone complained about not being able to sign in to comment.  Since when do you people comment?  I don’t know, but I hope that means he plans to comment.  Either way, sorry that this design didn’t have a stock place to do so.  You should be able to sign or or create “subscriber” accounts at aaronsnotes.com/wp-login.  Give that shit a suck try.  In the mean time, I see if I can’t make that whole process a bit easier on you.

Sweet Assed Sex Chart, Bitches!!!

Check me out.  No, really… check me out:

Right Here.  No really, click on this line right here.

Now I know that this is going to immediately look like crazy sauce and terrify you – DON’T FREAK OUT!!!  It’s just a dick pile of data and a motion chart.  First thing is first – click the “Chart” tab at the top of the screen.  You can check out the data in there, if that’s your dig… but I would advise against it.  The whole point of a chart is to more easily make sense of data.  So like the screenshot below says, just click on the “Chart” tab.  Slut.

When you’re actually in the chart you’re ready for the fun.  It should default to what I think is the best way to view this data.  Each ball represents a sex act or otherwise thing that could happen during a sexual encounter.  The balls will rise or lower over time depending upon how intense I considered the act.  The will move left to right depending on the chance of them taking place at a given time.  They will change color depending upon how much I liked it and they will grow or shrink according to how much the lady liked it (or rather – how much I thought it seemed like she liked it.  I’m still not psychic.  Working on it).  The “Play Button” and slidy bar thing next to it are where the magic happens.  That’s the timeline, which makes the various data points (balls) change depending on what part of the encounter they took place in.  Important to note – if you hover your mouse cursor over a ball, the chart will display the name of the activity over it and some other data on the sides.  Give it a try.  You can which data set is represented by each axis, color, and size as you wish.  I find that Y = Intensity, X = Chance of Activity, Color = My Observed Enjoyment, and Size = My Perception of Her Observable Enjoyment works best, but hey – knock yourself out.  The Timeline thing will always represent time, so I don’t see a point in changing anything else to time.  You might.

A little something about this data.  The data in this chart represents the activities that could take place during a “hook-up” or otherwise get together involving sex over a 24-hour period.  It took some doing to get it working just right, and all of the compiling/recompiling of data was a bit much for me.  As such, the data on this chart is not original data.  I’m debating with myself whether or not I will actually share that, as some of it is a bit intimate.  Even for me.  Chance are that I’ll share a slightly cleaned up version, but no promises.  Anyway, the data here is a bit fuzzy and has been rounded up and around a bit.  I needed the chart to work and get pretty damn close to what I meant, and some of the actual data would end up fucking it all up.  So some things a fudged.  Things like “1” is often a placeholder – look at chance of “Dry-Humping” taking place twelve hours into the encounter.  I mean, it could happen, so it shouldn’t be “0”, but it hasn’t happened since I’ve started logging it.  I feel like I should be giving a seminar on this…

tl;dr – No, really, you should read this one or at least spend some major time with this chart.

Now fiddle around with this like one might fiddle around with their bits and pieces.  Feel free to ask me about any of this crazy bullshit.

edit – a few minutes in and already questions.  If you have it set up the way described above it’s pretty easy to follow.  I think.  If the dot is blue, it means I don’t much like it.  Red means that I love it.  Small ones don’t tend to be enjoyed by ladies, big ones do (Ha!… oh, I just made myself sad with teeny weeny).  All the way to the right means it’s pretty likely to happen, all the way to the left means it ain’t.  All the way to the top means I consider it rather intense, all the way to the bottom means it is pretty tame and/or calm.  Some things lose intensity over time.  Some become more likely.  Some are more fun the more we’ve been around each other.  Other times – like if we’re dry-humping at fucking hour 18 – are the fucking worst.

Teasing The Next Big Sex Chart

First off, it’s a sweet-assed chart and ya’ll’s gunna loves it, bitches.  But before you get a look at it, we need to set down some ground work.  I get asked about my pervy-ness from time to time and every now and then the questions trigger my inner monologue.  The wheels start turning and my crazy brain tries to cross reference this new shit with every old thing that’s ever passed it by.  In this case, I was asked what how a lady and I could possibly fill a full day’s worth of a sexual encounter.  I instantly started trying to backtrack every encounter that I could possibly remember, all the way back to my first time, and started to realize just how much my approach has changed as I’ve grown up.  The more and more I think about it, the more sorry I feel for my ex-girlfriends.  I must have been terrible.

I used to get a really strange mix of emotions whenever sex was on the way.  I was excited, nervous, horny, terrified, ecstatic, and so much more.  Above all, I couldn’t wait to do it but once it started I was caught between being terrified that I’d finish too early and the feeling that we needed to wrap this up as quickly as possible.  But that’s not really of any consequence now.  Now about 95% of my nervousness and concern are all upfront, and mostly revolve around me hoping I’m picking up the right signals (as to not be presumptuous or creepy), that I’m not misleading the chick, and that my body doesn’t look as awful as I know it does.  I only mention these things to say that I have become a lot more comfortable in the bedroom.  I’m more comfortable knocking boots than I am getting a lady over to knock boots, which is pretty new to me.  This comfort has allowed me to open up a lot more, and be more willing to do fun stuff or try out crazy stuff to find out if it is fun.  I do some stuff that people might find crazy or gross.  I also do things that people might find mundane or even crummy.  So I listed the stuff that I do.  Then I realized that I could do myself one better.

I’ve been logging the stuff that I do with ladies.

That’s right.

I’ve been keeping a sexy log.

It’s not a journal, so there isn’t much anecdotal information… let’s say, “Qualitative” and “Quantitative” data.  “We did this thing for that amount of time at this intensity.  I liked it this much, it looked like she liked it that much” as apposed to “Yo, she was nasty and fun and we did stuffs.”

I have occasionally logged how attractive the lady is, but that puts me down a path or reviewing a woman, which… seems really fucked up to me.  I’m not cool with the idea of treating another human being like that.  I am, however, cool with treating myself like a dog and taking information about an encounter that I can derive from the ladies that love to love to lovin’.

For my log and my sweet-assed chart, I had to come up with some names for some manuvers.  I suppose I could have just gone to urbandictionary.com, but sometimes I feel like people are making shit up just to make shit up and get on there.  Instead, I decided to make some shit up to make some sense of what happens in the bedroom.  Other terms are already established, but maybe not well known.  So here are ten sex terms that you should know:

10. Dry Humping – You should know this already.  You’re still fully or mostly clothed and you’re rubbing genitals against each other’s through said clothing.

9. Wet Humping – It’s like fucking, except that one part doesn’t actually go inside of that other part.

8. Ball Juggling – That’s when the lady plays with the dudes sack and eggs.  Also known as “Mind The Step-Children”.

7. Hot-Dogging – When the dude slips his hotdog between the lady’s buns and rubs it back and forth without actual insertion.  Like titty-fucking the butt cheeks.

6. Lotus Position – This is an old-assed position, chronicled in the Kama Sutra.  It’s like the dude sits down and then the lady sits on top of him what like… on him… and then like, they’re facing each other and like… that thing is in there and them boobs is sometimes in the face which is a lot of fun, and… yeah, look it up.

5. Reverse Cowgirl – Dude’s on his back, lady is on top like a cowgirl riding a horse, EXCEPT she’s facing towards his feet.

4. Topsy-Turvy – One person lays down on their back and the other person lays on top of them facing the other way.  The bits and pieces become coupled and the boning starts.  Note: this is really difficult if the male is poorly endowed, as am I.

3. The Shocker – Two in the pink, one in the stink.  It’s actually not a very good move, which explains why highschoolers came up with it.  You kids have terrible sex.

2. Assturbating – It’s just fingering one’s own butt, but man what a great term for it.

1. Airborne Finger – It’s when the lady (or anyone, really) slips a finger up the dude’s ass during sex.  In my experience, the ladies like to do this on the sly.  Bitches.

tl;dr – I’m turning my filthy adventures into a rad fucking chart, and here is some of the nomenclature that you need to decipher it.

You know, if some of these terms are new to you… maybe give it a try.  See if you like it.

The First Annual Scum Week.

I’m writing this in haste, but I promised and I’ve been breaking too many promises lately, so here’s a quick rundown.

Shortly after my “roommate” moved out, I decided to have a week to relive being the piece of shit that I once was.  I know there are some around me who likely think I haven’t changed at all but there are others who now regard me as a completely different person from who I was just a few years ago.  I personally think my change lies somewhere in between.  I’ve made some big changes in my life, and not just financially.  I’ve dug deep down into the core of “me” to take a look at just what I’m made of.  Turns out I’m made from some pretty shitty building materials, and even the parts made from good, sturdy Oak have been abused and without maintenance, leaving them to rot.  I refuse to continue to be that person, and I want to achieve major change by my mid-thirties.  I think I’ve said so much before on this here blog before, though maybe not so explicitly.

Anyway, a lot of this change involves cutting out bad behavior.  Or rather, behavior that I don’t like in me.  Whether it is because I find it self destructive, or it goes against my core beliefs, or just because I see other people doing it and I fucking hate it.  Furthermore, there are things that I never have and likely never would do without a reason, though I don’t really see them as terrible.  “Scum Week” was an idea that I came up with to revisit some of the shitty things about me and get a taste for some of the “eh” things in life in general, but I have rules about even that.  Basically, it could only last one full week.  I couldn’t do anything truly illegal or immoral.  I couldn’t, by doing this dumb shit, destroy my day-to-day life.

I know, this is already starting to sound lame, but trust me – some serious shit went down.  “What kind of shit?” FUCKIN’ WAIT, I’M GUNNA TELL YA!

Christ, calm down, people.  *Ahem* – I picked up a fat chick from Craigslist just so I could titty fuck her.

Run and tell that, homeboy.

tl;dr – just a little backstory and preview about a stupid thing that I did.  Full rundown on Friday.

Yeah, but really.  It was pretty fun.

This week’s bootycall forecast – Cloudy.  Might be some light blowjays Friday night.

To Clarify Something From Monday’s Post

I’m not a hypocrite.  Actually, I might be one.  In fact, I’m fairly sure that I am.  However, I don’t think I’m all the way hypocritical on this one.  I took a minute to re-read my post on Monday and I can see how a part of it isn’t very clear.  The chick was already hot on her own.  The strange, jailbait-y, glossy, candy appearance didn’t make her hot.  If anything, it kind of made her look like a dumbass.  It did, however, add points to an already respectable score.

When taken in context with some of my previous ramblings, this has to sound very out of character.  However, I think I am still in line with my own rules.  The clothes, the hair, the lipstick and all of that jazz didn’t make the woman.  She was hot just because she was hot.  However, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that the extras were nice.  They kind of worked to tie it all up in great package.  My best way to explain this is to point out some common times when most men are affected by this phenomenon.  In fact, I’ll bet women have a similar issue: Uniforms.

Does the term “Naughty Nurse” mean anything to you?  “Saucy Stewardess”?  “Sexy Schoolgirl”?  If you think that all it takes is the uniform to make a chick hot, then you haven’t been on a plane in the last few years decades.  Those thousand-year-old broads with their smoke-tanned teeth, awkwardly hunched and misshapen bodies, man-hands, and depressed eyes wear uniforms every day.  They are also extremely unappealing.  On the other hand, let’s say these ladies actually were attractive to begin with.  Young, fit, healthy, and cute faced.  Let’s say they were… how about 7’s?  On the standard 1 – 10 scale, that would make our fictional ladies very attractive, but believable and somewhat common.  If you slip one of these ladies into a Flight Attendant’s uniform (or better yet, a pilots! Just me?), she might become an 8.  It’s unlikely that a uniform will upgrade her to 9, and really… a full point is a stretch, but it is possible.  It can’t make a gross chick hot.  It just can’t.  Though I suppose it could make a hot chick a bit hotter.

“Sexy Schoolgirl” has an added, ill-defined quality.  I guess it’s the whole forbidden fruit deal.  It’s a strange concept, because the costume a person wears won’t usually change my opinion of them, least of all their looks.  I’ll give you a formula that might not be a real… thing… I don’t know, I’m confusing myself, so here’s the f… here’s the fuckin’ thing:

Hot Chick + Uniform = Extra Hot

Ugly Chick + Uniform = Nasty

Normal Chick + Uniform = Slightly Better Than Normal

Hot Young Chick + Dressed in Skimpy/Dumbass Attire/Youth Emphasizing Junk = I Can’t Get These Pants Off Quickly Enough

7 (hot) + .5 (clothing modifier) = 7.5 (slightly more than hot)

However, the chick that brought my confusing scale up to me in the first place seems to see things differently, or at least when it comes to her personal attraction to men.  For her, it’s more like this:

Any Guy + Uniform = Hottest Guy On Planet

OR

1 – 10 (does this part even matter to her?) + Mechanic Shirt = Instant Swooning

I find that very strange, but hey – everyone has there preferences.  The hot chick from my weekend hookup was hot on her own, but yeah… that the strange collection of clothing and accessories did tie together to add to her already naughty, inappropriate allure.  You know, sometimes I’m really gross.

tl;dr – If you’re hot and you do… a thing, with.. fff… let’s start over

tl;dr – The clothes don’t… hot you… ‘cept when… eeeffffff, got try again

tl;dr – Even if you look stupid, you… fuckin’… some other things.  I don’t know.  Just read the whole damn thing.

I’d like to see if she’s about for some stupidness tonight, actually.  She maybe wasn’t great, but did let me do stuff with/to her and made it clear that she would be interested in return visit.  I could use some dirty company right now.  Really need to blow off some steam abouts some dick-up I did at work.

I need to renew my license in the next couple of days.

That’s all.  That’s really all there is.

Um…

Alright, I’ve got a little bit more on that.  I think I need new glasses and I’m slightly concerned that I’ll need them to pass the vision test.  My eyesight doesn’t seem bad or anything, but I always get jittery with this stuff.  If I do, I’ll have to get a rush order or do one of those one hour glasses things.  I’m not sure if those are covered by my vision plan, and I’d much rather go back to my regular place even if it is.  But that’s neither here nor there – it’s more that I just keep forgetting to do both (licence & glasses).  I almost went on Friday (licences), but realized that I need to have my social security card with me.  I’m not really sure where that is… think it’s in my lock box at home.  Gotta find my keys to the lock box.  Gotta find the lock box.  Gotta dig through it for the card.  Gotta find time to do all of this by the afternoon of Thursday, ’cause that’s when it expires and I turn like… I don’t know, 90?  But this isn’t exactly a huge problem that can’t be solved, and this shit isn’t very fun to read.

Here’s something that might be: 5’4″, very dark skinned, thin, a booty both tight and round, big boobies.  She was really hot, but also a bit young.  Like 20ish.  I think maybe 22.  She showed up in a skimpy, bright, neon orange top and really small, tight-assed booty shorts in a matchingly obnoxious orange.  She had on those stupid, plastic sunglasses that hot chicks like so much.  She had a bunch of those dumb ass jelly bracelets.  She had that gross, but oh-so-sexy-you-fucking-know-you-love-it candy lip gloss on.  Long, thick lashes.  Long, good looking, smooth, jet-black hair.  She had bright orange flip flops, also matching, and I wondered how she drove with them on.  Bright, fake looking nails of various colors.  She was chewing gum.  She looked like jailbait.  Hot, sexy, candy-coated, plastic jailbait.

I felt like a complete pervert.

But it was completely awesome.

Actually, it wasn’t all awesome.  Aside from the creeped-myself-out feeling that lingered with me until well after she had left, I also got a little too drunk.  This made “finishing” difficult.  Thankfully, she mistook this for some kind of incredible stamina.  The crumb part of that is that she wasn’t very good.  If a chick is good, I would like for that problem to happen.  As good as an orgasm feels, the feeling is fleeting.  The journey to it is much more satisfying.  I understand that for most women and maybe even most men, the orgasm is the big deal.  For me, it’s more like gravy.

You see, some gravies aren’t that great.  Some gravies are wonderful.  Most gravies are good, but could be better.  Maybe they’re a little too thin or a little too thick.  Some or oddly sweet, overly spicy, or have too much sage.  But even great gravy is just the topper.  Something to put on top and enhance the fantastic food beneath.  A cap or top-hat for an already fine meal.  Be that food a roast, some chicken, or delicious mashed potatoes, the gravy is just a bit more.  In the case of sex, the sex itself is the main course.  That’s the big, yummy hunk of meat.  BJs, TFs, handies, buttsecks, and making out are all side dishes.  Yummy, wonderful sides.  The Big O is just the topper.  You might think an orgasm is more like  a an after dinner mint or desert, but you’d be wrong.  The after dinner mint doesn’t not complete the meal, where as gravy often does.  You could have turkey and stuffing without gravy, but why would you?  A mint, though, is often pointless.  If the food is good on its own, or even great, then its nice to have some gravy on top.  Maybe a pad of butter on your corn, a sprinkle of cheddar on your broccoli, maybe some salsa on your beans.  What?  You don’t do that?  Just like gravy on a meal, the orgasm ties the whole event up in a nice little bow.

But that’s not what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about the sex itself being kinda so-so.  Thankfully, she was down to do anything that my sick little mind came up with, seemed to be enjoying herself (matters to me), and was small enough to toss around and manhandle.  I don’t always like to dominate in the bedroom, but when I do, I like to toss the chick around.  Dos Equis.

tl;dr – I did awful things in bed with a sexy young lady that made me feel like a sick-o.  But it also felt good.  But she wasn’t very good, so I gave that chick some gravy.  Chicks love gravy.  Wait, what happened?

Also, sorry this is late again.  I had a whole other thing written last night and decided not to go with it.  Today was supposed to be pretty quite, but it turned out to be pretty bananas.  I figured I’d knock this story out in five to ten while I wait for some processes to finish/curly fries to fry, and then tackle the pile of condiments and fixin’s amassing in my inbox.  Instead, something bad happened with some of our Big Roast Beefs that were set up in the automatic sandwich giver.  I fixed the machine, but those sandwiches didn’t get out for at least forty minutes.  Was that both vague and explanatory enough?  Anyway, here’s to hoping I don’t get fired.

A Quick Note on Pubes

Pubes are gross.

 

Nah, not really, but I would prefer them kept at a minimum.  The state of a lady’s pubic hair is probably the only aspect of any lady that I don’t like all natural.  Natural nails, hair, skin, teeth, and lips.  I’m not saying don’t paint the nails, don’t dye the hair, don’t tan, don’t take care of those teef, or don’t occasionally paint them lips.  That’s silly.  Don’t be silly.  Rather, that I don’t like FAKE nails.  I typically don’t like extensions or wigs (unless you need it, of course).  I hate – FUCKING HATE – fake tans.  Veneers on them choppers often look weird and feel awkward when kissing, though I do understand when chipped or busted teeth need fixing.  I could use some dental work, myself.  Those lips with collagen are usually super nasty.  I don’t mind a great pair of fake breasts, but I’m extremely picky.  In most cases, I’d much prefer the real ones.  I like a lady to be pretty real, especially with those lovely lady lumps on the chest and rump.

Actually, maybe maintaining the hair about the pubic region doesn’t even count as a fakeness.  I mean, it’s not like they’re getting replacements or anything.  They’re just temporarily removing it.  How can that be fake?  Or maybe my point is more that it isn’t all that natural… I need to swing back around before I get lost in my own semantics again.

In all honesty, I don’t get super-excited for clean shaven puss-dang (trying out some new slang… not going great so far).  I like it, but it’s not required.  I’d need a control group of natural Venus Cock Traps (hmm?) and those in various states of trim and shave to choose a real preference.  For now, I think I like the landing strip the most.  Regardless, I like it at least trimmed.  Nice and neat.  I’ve heard several arguments against this, some of which circle around a physical need to protect le vag i’ ne (better?) from the elements.   Most surround this notion that men who want women shaved clean clams (classic) actually want prepubescent girls.  These are both extremely fuck-tarded arguments.  Here’s why:

The “Protection from Elements” arguments – In recent times, The Human Race has developed incredible technologies that protect us from all sorts of elements.  Highly technical and specialized equipment such as… Pants.  And Underwear.  Panties, if you will.  Is it really cold out?  How about some Ski Pants?  Going diving in the frigid arctic?  It’s called a Dry Suit.  Is it balls-swassing hot outside?  Yeah, that hair’s gunna do you wonders.  Gunna be reeeal comfortable.

The “Men are Perverts Out to Bang Your Kids” arguments – As an adult male with a car, facial hair, and a bank account, I’m betting that picking up a prepubescent girl is likely easier than swaying a good looking, together, self-sufficient adult woman ever is.  SHIT, the work I have to put in ladies, just to get a nipple to make an appearance.  This… this is maybe not the best retort I’ve ever had on the surface, but think about it – if we really did just want prepubescent women, wouldn’t we just go get them?  And if this desire were so prevalent, why the hell did we develop laws against it?  Why would it be taboo?  How could the “MILF” and “Cougar” sexual archetypes exist?  I suppose I can’t really speak for society, but I can speak for me – I want a woman, not a girl.  I like curves.  I like definition.  I like the musculature of an adult woman.  I like the lines of a woman.  They inspire exotic sports cars.  They dance on our minds at night and distract us in the waking hours.  They start wars, end eras, drive men and lezzies ever forward.  They make dirty boys like me get all riled up for some nasty-nasty SO MUCH that I actually bother to roll out of bed and try to make something of my self every damn morning.  You think I’d put up with this shit if there was no chance of snagging some sexy Sally?  Of course not, dumb-dumb.  Them curves are like handles for us to grab onto while we gets to tuggin’ and thrustin’, and tuggin’ and thrustin’ is where it’s at.  Your pubic hair doesn’t tell me shit about your age.  Some women grow shit-loads of hair before they cross the “still not legal, but much less creepy” line.  Some women will never have more then a light tuft of hair.  It tells me nothing.  If that’s really how it works, then why is a clean shaven face on a man preferred by so many women?  Are you saying that you like prepubescent boys?  No.  Of course you aren’t.  It’s mostly aesthetics and functionality.  Men do tend to be drawn to youth, but not little girls.  Especially not little girls pu-yangs (ugh).

So why do I like it shaved or trimmed?  Two simple concepts.  1) Odor Trap 2) I eat vag, not hair.

1) Hair traps odor.  Yes, your pussy stinks.  Every slit-trench (really bad one, sorry) does at least a little.  Sometimes it is a rather appealing and sometimes it is rather appalling.  Usually, it’s just a thing.  Neither good nor bad, it just smells like… well, like snatch (not the movie).  But if we both just got home from work or a long night out, I’m less inclined to put my nose in swampy jungle than a roadway or lightly dewy plain.  Sounds gross?  Well, it is.  Don’t feel bad about it, it’s just a part of being a person.  People are groady.  Get used to it.  I’ll bet that the pubes of a guy are pretty nasty after a long day’s work, too.  Maybe more-so.  It’s why I never skip a shower.  I’ll bet a lot of you ladies would prefer that we shave, and I’m sure we would if you asked.  I’ve done it for a girlfriend before despite how much I dislike doing it.  I’ve done it even though I fucking hate how I look without my crotch-mane, so I speak from experience.

2) If you get me in the sack, I’m giving it my all.  Making me cum is no great task.  I do it pretty much every day, sometimes more than once.  It’s easy.  It can sometimes take a while, can sometimes take a matter of seconds, but usually only needs a few minutes.  I bring this up so it doesn’t sound so douchey or pompous or however it sounds when I say my next piece – what gets me going most in bed is when I can tell that I’m genuinely pleasing a lady.  If she’s faking and I can tell (and I’m sure that I can’t always tell), it really bums me out.  If she’s a dead fish and I have no indication as to her enjoyment, it kills me.  If it’s really bad, sometimes I’ll just quit.  Really, what’s the fucking point in continuing?  But if she’s losing it, writhing in ecstasy, moaning and curling her toes, doing that super-stiff-push-pull-body-seize thing?  Oh yeah, that’s the stuff.  No man’s dick is magic, least of all mine.  However, I can pull off some near-magic spells when I go down on a chick.  Given my desire to drive a woman wild, you can see how I might want to do this.  Add to it that I give it my all, consider that I might not be paying a lot of attention to non-essential items in the area.  This is the same reason that I don’t care for clit and labia piercings.  I don’t need that shit in my teeth, my nose, all over my tongue, down my throat UGH FUCKIN’ YUCK!  If you want me to sow your love field with my face-plow, please clear it of mines first.  Few things are more awkward than being seconds from finishing a girl off and realizing you have acquired some unwanted dental floss.

Additionally, isn’t it just nice to see evidence that your sexual partner gives some shit about their physical appearance for you?

tl;dr – Clean your uncanny valley so my tease wagon can have clear passage without breaking an axle and none of the pioneers get dysentery.

Are we clear about this?  I know there are more arguments for and against trimming/shaving, and I’m happy to entertain them all.  If I’m wrong, I’m wrong.  But really, it’s hard to be wrong about one’s opinion, so go ahead and share yours (even if it is clearly wrong).

Front butt?