I want an iPhone

But I’ll take a Windows Phone 7 or Droid (that Incredible looks pretty great and is priced wonderfully).  I’m giving it until the end of January, and then I’m buying something.

I also think I’m dropping cable.  Well… FiOS TV.  Verizon’s the whole deal, really.  I’m not really into brand loyalty.  When a company does you wrong, fuck ’em.  They aren’t people.  They don’t deserve our love or loyalty.  The relationship is very simple: In exchange for goods and services, we give them money.  Their goal is to make a buck by providing that jazz; our goal is to get that jazz and try to save a buck while doing so.  We don’t owe each other anything outside of that agreement, which is why I don’t understand the aforementioned brand loyalty and despise fanboys… fanboiz.  Hell, I don’t even like how I’m using “aforementioned” as if I know how to.  I have strong feelings about the whole fan loyalty shit, but I’m trying to make shorter, more-frequent posts, so I’ll save that for another time.

Anyway, on the rare occasion that a company doesn’t fuck me over on a regular and typically hooks me up, I like to stick with them.  I’d be a fool if I weren’t shopping around, and I have been, but Verizon has done me right and continues to work very well for my budget.  They also haven’t dropped a call in at least four years, I’ve only had one internet problem in two and akinda problem with the FiOS TV in the three-ish years I’ve had it.  Those problems were cleared up with almost no effort on my part.  Comcast, on the other hand, tried to fuck me on cable and internet every chance they got.  I’ve also heard several horror stories about other ISPs and cellular service providers.  Add in good discounts for being with them for so long, and yeah, I do actually want to stick with Verizon.

That being said, I’ve been good and indecisive (and fuckin’ salty) about finally diving into the smartphone pool.  I was one click – ONE FUCKING CLICK – from getting that Droid Incredible (which I might still get) when someone stopped me.  I’m happy they did, but I’m still good and salty.  Now the chances are pretty damn high that either/both the iPhone or/and WP7 are coming to my network in under a month.  I’ve waited this long, I can do one more month.  So I’ll have a new phone in about a month.  There is only one way that I won’t – if one of these phones is officially announced for Verizon and has an actual release date.  That’s it.

tl;dr – Getting a new phone, but not just yet.  Fanboiz suck whole bags of dicks, but I do like my telecom company.

Oh, right – Christmas was good, my health is a suckfest (but getting better), I’m getting a new coffee thing, and I need a new booty-call girl that’s actually in town.  Going to see TRON tonight-ish.

So I just watched some kids make better points than professors and priests on religion…

Lots of them, all over youtube – mostly stemming from the last part of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnXRbEvmbOk, and mostly civil and reasonable, and MOSTLY by kids.  Wow.  It makes me feel like we might just have a future again.

I don’t exactly agree with his analogy, but I dig that critical thinking.  I like mental exercises like that and I hate that fundamentalists and extremists shut shit like that down.  I also hate that the scholarly atheists that I once admired as positive religious focal points do the same shit, just in a different way.  Probably the biggest problem that I have with religion (though not like… belief), is how static so much of it is or claims to be (recognizing that a lot has changed over the last thousand years in spite of itself).  And that’s the SAME FUCKING THING THAT I SEE IN SO MANY ATHEISTS!!!

I guess you could call me an atheist.  I used to positively identify myself as one.  I’m sure part of that was the trendiness of it all, though I’d like to think not.  The biggest part was really just realizing that I’ve never really believed.  I grew up with the Bible being pretty present (though not oppressive) and the religious people around me being pretty cool.  I had little knowledge of other religions until middle school and no idea that you could just not have a religion.  As a kid, I thought it was like skin color.  You were just born with one andeveryone was born with one.  None was any better than another and you just got one depending on your parents.  After becoming more aware of other religions and the way a lot of religious people viewed things, I really started to think I wasn’t normal.  It really seemed like everyone really believed everything in their religious scripture and that they all completely believed their religious leaders.  But I didn’t.  I just considered them stories as a kid, and when I started really thinking about them, they didn’t make sense.

Well, some stuff did.  Like I didn’t completely believe that Jesus’ pops was omnipotent and also somehow him… that was a little odd.  However, I did believe that he existed and that at least some amount of the stuff written about him totally happened.  I did believe in magic at the time, so I bought into the water-to-wine bit… but I didn’t buy the resurrection part.  And I didn’t buy any of that Noah’s Ark jazz or Adam and Eve.  I really didn’t even believe that “God” was real, but that it as more of a concept.  I just thought this stuff was like Aesop’s Fables.  Everyone knew it wasn’t real, but we were supposed to read the stuff.  Ponder on what we’ve read.  Discuss it with one another.  Try to derive something meaningful and helpful for our lives from it.

Then I started to see that this wasn’t how everyone felt.  Because of the way information has been delivered to us, it started to seem like everyone actually believed that the Bible (or Koran/Torah/Whateve’s) was completely factual and that’s that.  That scared the shit out of me.  All I could think about was either everyone is crazy and stupid or I am.  In retrospect, I would say that this though deeply disturbed me during my high school years.  Then I started to see that there were people like me (or so I thought).  They, too, didn’t believe.  And this is where shit really goes off the rails for me, and becomes a discussion far too long for today’s post.  Long story short – I slowly and painfully found that I didn’t identify with anyone on religion, and that was horrifying.  A few years ago, I started to find it less horrifying.  Then sometime last year I became very comfortable and happy with my views and the ever-changing state in which I view them… this isn’t making a lot of sense, but more or less I became cool with not agreeing but being able to see and like other people’s views.  Fuck, that just complicated it more.  Fuck it, I give up.

Early this year I started catching people online that actually do feel the way I do.  I consider myself a Humanist.  Partly because I find it positive and more philosophy than religion.  Mostly because Humanist really doesn’t mean shit.  And yeah, probably another part of it is trendiness.  There are Humanist Christians, Humanist Muslims, Humanist [fill in yo’ thang here], and Humanists Atheists.  There isn’t really a central dogma, which is what Atheism is, except that it isn’t.  The dogma is that there positively is no god.  In the west, Atheism has gained another dogma – if you think there is one, you’re a fuckin’ idiot and an asshole.  I can’t dig on that.

So what do I believe?  There is no god in the sense of a personal, omnipotent being that cares about our day to day lives.  There might be a more… existential “god”.  Like a universalwill towards whatever the universe is taking us to (physically, through time, all up in the brain piece, Nirvana [not the band] and shit), but I kinda doubt that as well.  However, we don’t fuckin’ know – and that includes my own smug-assed self.  And furthermore, I wish that I did believe – though not for either questions of “How did we get here” or “Why are we here”.  I think we got here by a natural process.  If ever there was a super-natural or god-ish interference, it was right at the beginning.  Like pre-Big Bang beginning that was all like setting up dominoes.  Let’s just go ahead and call it God.  God was all like, “I got all these Legos, I should do something cool with them.”  When he was all done, he walked away and let it do it’s thing.  Eventually, the Legos started creating other Legos on their own (possibly because of Lego rules that God him/herself set up in the super-pre-beginning) and sooner or later made us.  Maybe God is dead.  Maybe God is just chillin’, watching the cool-assed movie that is The Universe (it was a great Discovery Channel series, by the way).  But I really only put that as a place-holder, because “It was God” only makes more questions for me.  If God made the Legos and put them together, who or what made the God and put it together?  And who or what made God’s God?  “He was always there” doesn’t work for me.  Existence as a whole is basically a logical fallacy, which is my favorite mind-blower that is really tough to cork with anything other than “Shit, I guess it was God” or “I guess there was a starter universe all along”.  Turtles.  All the way down, stupid.

As for “Why are we here”, I don’t think there was an initial reason.  If we our Legos were made by other Legos in a natural process, then the reason we were made is because we best fit the environment we were created in and adapted to.  But I don’t feel an emptiness for living without reason.  There is plenty of reason we can all find to live in our own lives, like family and friends and video games and buttsex.  If you want a bigger reason for us being here, I use the “top of the foodchain” thing.  I mean, we are (and sometimes aren’t really) at the top.  And not just food.  We are the most intelligent on the planet, as far as we know.  We’re definitely making the biggest and quickest differences.  So I’d say that I reason for being here is to be the stewards of our home.  We are here to take care of it and everything on it.  And when we leave it, it will be our responsibility to take care of our solar system.  Quadrant.  Galaxy.  Galactic neighborhood.  Universe.  All that jazz.  If there are other intelligent lifeforms out there (which, come on… there’s gotta be, right?), then we share the responsibilities with them.  If they’re fucking it up, we kill ’em good.  If we’re fucking it up, I’m pretty sure that they’ll kill us good.  But yeah.  We’re here (now) to take care of everyone/thing else and be all cool and shit.  How’s that for a philosophy, bitches?

Also, I think it’s rad that we have different beliefs.  The more I see, the more I agree that variety really is the spice of life.  I don’t want us all to be the same.  I want there to be discussion.  I want there to be something to ponder.  I want there to be a touch of conflict… but let’s all tone it down a good bit.  I don’t know why the fuck we turned a conflict all the way up to eleven.  It sounded best at about four.  We should keep it there.  Add effects peddles where needed.

Oh, and this kid – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiSgTTcHZqE.  It’s pretty rad how well he(?) summed up some of the way I feel.  Not all of it, but I can totally dig his(?) angle.  Now I gotta piss, get lunch, and get back to work.  Bitches.

My Weekends Roll Hard…

It’s about 3:08 on a Friday afternoon, and I’m getting anxious about the two and a half days I have before slinking back into work.  I’ve got hours of driving, interacting with family, a dinner date, a completely separate hook-up, a steak to cook, and a handful of Netflix to watch and  DLC to play.  But first, I have to see to my iPod which has started to ring the slow death knell typical of modern technology – It’s working just well enough for me to realize how hard it is to live without this completely unneeded shit.  I’m sure you’ve been there before.  Your device functions but is a pain in the ass and/or doesn’t function completely/correctly.  As such, my iTunes not only didn’t sync, but it DID delete all but one song from my iPod and I didn’t notice until I was checking email at work.  So first things first – I’m heading back home to try to get some kind of entertainment for the drive ahead.

4:30 PM and my iPod has finally started updating.  I now know a way to fix my current problem and (hopefully) get a few more months out of this thing, but don’t have the time to do anything about it.  So I pick a couple of podcasts and a band or two, load them to my iPod with MediaMonkey, take one last bathroom break and hit the road at 4:45.  Fuck.  That means I’m going to be thoroughly entrenched in Maryland’s legendary traffic for hours.  On I-95.  Through Baltimore.  Heading to Philly.  Great.

It’s 7:14 PM and I’m finally in Pennsylvania.  From my condo to my Dad’s place (which isn’t actually in Philly, just near it) is about a two and a half hour drive.  During the holidays, I can really pick magic times when the roads are empty and have made the drive in about two, one-forty-five at best.  Because of some well paced hauling ass and traffic avoidance, I’ve managed to keep this from being the three hour trek that I was expecting.  Soon after, I’m eating Dad’s great cooking.  Lightly breaded, fresh-caught cod.  Fresh grilled summer vegetables.  Green chili stew.  Damn, it was good.

I got to catch my Aunt Michele and both grandparents from my Dad’s side.  She came all of the way from Minnesota, and the grandparents came down from Montana.  They are all great and it is great to see them.  Grandma, as always, is the sharpest knife in the drawer.  A fake hip and a fake femur haven’t managed to slow her down.  My aunt is training for a half-marathon, and she looks it.  Grandpa busts up some serious political analysis.  Then it’s story time, and I even hear a few about my Dad that I didn’t know.  He’s had a pretty hard life, but a lot of it is pretty funny in retrospect.

It’s now about 10:00 PM and I gotta start heading back.  The old man says I should just spend the night, but if I don’t get back home tonight then all of my remaining weekend plans are screwed.  Midnight, I stride through the door.  I drink some water, check my email, and pass out in front of cartoons on my couch.  It’s morning and the next few hours will be spent mostly doing chores.

I’ll spare you the gritty details (and my strange present-tense writing) from my pair of rendezvous but instead offer a Cliff’s Notes version.  The date = massive disappointment.  Even the food was sub-par.  It’s a local (I think) Italian place that I suppose is better than Olive Garden, but worse then what any idiot could do at home.  It lasted too long and made too little progress.  I won’t be scheduling a second date, but at least it got me out of the house for a while.

The hook-up = meh.  Not bad but not great either.  She was pretty hot.  Not really hot, but pretty hot.  Like a 6.5.  In bed, she was more like 3 – 4.  She was impressed by my ability to get it done, which usually amps me up, but not this time.  This time, I felt like she was only impressed because her previous times in bed have been shitty – likely the reason she was so shitty.  And then she stuck around so long.  Also, she brought my favorite booze.  This would be rad, but I’ve been avoiding the booze a bit lately (weight loss).  Bringing me nummy booze is a pitfall.  We also ordered Chinese from a place I’ve never tried.  Most of the food was pretty good, but the hot and sour soup was terrible.

The steak = fuck yeah! The marinade was perfect.  Booze, olive oil, Worcestershire sauce, crushed garlic, fresh ground pepper, fresh basil and rosemary, splash of soy sauce.  Pull out and salt both sides liberally.  Onto a hot cast iron skillet with the grill-ribbed bottom for a little under two minutes.  Flip and stuff under the broiler for about three-four minutes.  Rest the steak on a wire rack.  De-glaze the pan with the booze and pour the yum-yums that come off into a stainless steel.  Medium-high heat on the drippings, add some of the marinade, more herbs and seasonings.  Reduce to a delicious sauce that sticks to the back of a spoon.  Green-beans on the steam.  Damn, it was good.

I didn’t watch any Netflix, and I didn’t get to that DLC.  I did play a bit of some MW2 and Halo: Reach, but didn’t really hit anything I wanted to.  And once again, I’m more tired coming out of the weekend then going into it.

tl;dr – I’ve had a busy and only slightly successful weekend.  The steak was good.

Oh, and don’t let me forget to talk about the strange Friday from a few weeks ago.  The password is hook-up + I locked my keys in my car.

Grandparents and Vacation Days

I’ve got a million things to write about and they’re getting all jumbled up in my brain place.  I need to pull them apart and arrange them in some kind of reasonable fashion.  This is why I don’t post as much as I should.  In fact, the single best advice I can give to anyone with a website is this: “Post all of the time”.  This is why it is so easy to be popular on Twitter.  You need to post early and often.  The shorter the better.  Only real readers want long stuff, and most people aren’t readers.  Even with audio and video, you should at least consider posting mostly shorter spots, at least once a week.  The longer you go without new content, the more regular viewers you lose and the less potential new visits you can get.  I’ve got some more on that, but maybe I should hurry up and take some of my own advice.

Alright, let’s get to the point of this post.  My grandparents from my father’s side are in town.  Well… not really in my town, but close enough.  This is pretty cool, as I haven’t seen them in a very long time.  I got to see my grandmother on my mother’s side earlier this year, and that was also pretty cool.  However, this puts new stresses on me.  You see – (1) I hate people.  Not really hate people, it’s more like I hate being around people.  I’m really not joking about that.  I get extremely anxious around people, to include familiars.  Cleaning up my language isn’t really a problem (though it sure is for my brother).  (2) Cleaning up subjects I bring up and responses that I give, well that’s another thing.  (3) I have to jack up my already jacked-up schedule to see them.  I realize this last one is really petty, more so that it involves family I don’t see as much as I should, but it still sucks having your schedule fucked up.

Speaking of fucking up my schedule, I have 10 days off that I have to use-or-lose before the end of the year.  That’s two work-weeks, which is very rad.  This is not a bitch.  I just don’t know when to take those days.  I like to be in the office around the holidays, as the office is empty and the work-load is lighter.  There are also some days that I just can’t take off, and I’m not really sure if I want to take more then a few days at a time, and blah blah blah.

Middle-class-single-guy problems.  That’s what I got.  Sometimes it’s nice to review and see just how good I got it.

You know what I want right now?

Gravy.  Some motha’ fuckin’ gravy.  Don’t care what it’s on.

 

3 Guys Fervor, Logos, and More

So I’m feeling some behind the scenes stuff for 3 Guys somethin’ good.  Not sure why, but I really feel like putting some stuff together and making the next time we crack the mic’s really special.  I’m culling together some odd news stories, nabbing up some top lists and brackets, and preparing some stuff that I hope will provide us with some original content.  I find our original content to be the best of all of our stuff, but I find it difficult to present a subject that everyone can get into.  Part of the problem is that we don’t (and need to) follow a few of the basic improv. rules a bit more (stuff like “yes and” and only negating for follow-ups).  I’ve also been looking to include more music (maybe play us into breaks or something), but that’s less important.  Anyway, I’m putting together material that should launch us into generating that original content.  Stories, opinions, and on-the-spot list making.  I think we do pretty well in those areas.

On that note, I’m really trying to figure out how to get the damn listeners to interact more.  A few have expressed a desire for live shows and call-in lines.  I’m down with this, but I’m not going to do it for just ten people.  Download, pageview, and facebook stats would suggest that we have a pretty fair amount of listeners, but only a handful of folks have ever written in.  If that’s how a live show would be, then what’s the point?  But hey, I get it.  Most of my entertainment, news, and wtf’s are from the internet as well.  I mostly lurk, too.  I almost rarely write/call/whatever any website, and even less for shows.  What I will do, however, is vote in polls.  I’ll take surveys.  I even participate in short list of forums.  It has been suggested to me that I utilize the polls and surveys tools of wordpress and facebook to generate a little user-feedback, and I think I’m going to give that a shot.  We’ve also had people asking for 3 Guys forums for a while, and I’ve greatly ignored this.  I’ll look back into that, but I’m still not sure that a full-on forum is right for the show.  I mean, we had a year+ hiatus.  Right now is a time that I wish 3 Guys was more strongly associated with a group of blogs and internet radio shows (like when Jackie, Simon, Colm, A.D., Brett, etc. had that thing).  If we were, I’d strongly suggest that we start up a one-stop forum for all shows involved.

Alright, back to things that I’m doing – I’m making a new logo for 3 Guys.  Actually, I’m making several.  One main logo, one for iTunes, one to put in a page-top banner, and a stripped down thing to slap onto original images and stuffs (likely just text in a font that evokes the show).  That being said, this is also a place that I could use some listener interaction (as I am a rube at graphic design).  So if YOU want to make a logo, please do.  Just email it to hobowine@gmail.com.  PNG is probably best for my purposes, but I think I can do just about any image format.  I’d be happy to check out logos, banners, posters, and other such images.  If I pick yours, then… maybe a prize.  OH – I’m still working on Jennifer’s prize.  It’s gunna be pretty lame, though.  Sorry.

Time for a quick tangent – Dude, have you all seen that new series of Converse shoe commercials?  Dr. J is lookin’ fuckin’ GREAT!  I really hope I look that distinguished and suave at his age.  I really wish I looked that good right now, actually.  Damnit.

LASTLY!!! – I have a very specific bitch about interactions with the ladies that I’d like to relate on this here blog.  However, it’s a bit complicated and requires some prep.  Also, I’ve already written a fair amount in my crummy and unfinished book, “You’re Doing it Wrong: You’re Bad in Bed, and Here’s Why.” (working title).  As such, expect to see a series of posts on the subjects of age disparity in sex and dating, how being in your late 20’s affects your sex life, maybe a chart or two, and some pictures.  And maybe some boobs.  We’ll just have to see where I take this.

tl;dr – I’m doing stuff so the next 3 Guys shows are good; help me make a logo for the show; Dr. J is handsome; Age ain’t nuffin’ but a thang?

About Podcasting…

I’m editing the last of a group of three recordings right now (on the side of the work that I am lazily doing while at work…),  and it’s cracking me up.  I was there.  I was a part of it.  The audio is screwed up, we’re kinda shitty, and it’s fuckin’ slaying me.  How lame is that?

About Playlists.

So I’ve been on three kicks lately that have started colliding in odd ways.  I’ve been getting a lot more back into music (listening to/opining about).  I’m also getting more serious about my health (especially my desire to not have moobs… I’m thinking of cutting booze out of my diet (for a while)).  Lastly, I’ve been doing a lot more organization…ings.  I’ve been organizing really important things at work, getting my records in order (not the vinyl type), re-arranging furniture, throwing out old magazines, etc.  Electronic organization is a pretty big deal to me, as well.  Co-workers would likely state that I am sometimes Nazish with how I like my data stored.  You better use the right folder and not just make some bullshit that noone understands or I’m gunna be a dick to you.

Music and organization have collided for me some time ago with a long-overdo (and long-assed-taking) fix-fixing and re-org of my entire electronic music collection.  I’m not sure exactly how big it is, but in terms of raw gigage, it’s bigger than my porn collection.  Some of those are HD DVD rips, so… yeah.  Anyway, that’s another topic for another day.  Today I’m going to talkat you about a collision of all three – my exercise playlists.

I think your playlists say a lot about you.  I don’t just mean about your music tastes, though certainly that as well.  What I mean is that it says something about you as a person, or at least your current state of life.  For instance, I have playlists for just the discographies of particular artists.  I actually started doing this just to make sure I had the music in my iPod.  Call me lazy.  Or sexy.  Both true.  My “Running” playlist is entirely indicative of this.  Not that I don’t like the songs, but there must be at least a dozen that don’t belong and I skip every jog.  I think this means my playlist is bad.  It’s fine to have skip inducing songs on a discography style playlist, but not for purpose intended lists.  I also have some opinions on when you should care about the actual order of the list, but that’s for another time.  This list has no real order, as I always listen to it with shuffle on.  Anyway, enough talky-talky.  Here’s my actual running playlist, with strikethroughs for what I know I want to remove already:

  • Taste You – Melissa Auf der Maur
  • Time Bomb – Buckcherry
  • Dirty Mind – Buckcherry
  • Whiskey In The Morning – Buckcherry
  • Crazy Bitch – Buckcherry
  • Prayer – Disturbed
  • Want – Disturbed
  • Conflict – Disturbed
  • Meaning of Life – Disturbed
  • Deify – Disturbed
  • Lighthouse – Live
  • The Dolphin’s Cry – Live
  • Meltdown – Live
  • Good Pain – Live
  • Ya-Baba – Mansour
  • Angry Again – Megadeth
  • Hanger 18 – Megadeth
  • The Unforgiven III – Metallica
  • Until It Sleeps – Metallica
  • Creeping Death – Metallica
  • She – The Misfits
  • Where Eagles Dare – The Misfits
  • Las Caress – The Misfits
  • Gave Up – Nine Inch Nails
  • Physical – Nine Inch Nails
  • The Becoming – Nine Inch Nails
  • Reptile – Nine Inch Nails
  • Every Day Is Exactly the Same – Nine Inch Nails
  • Right Where It Belongs – Nine Inch Nails
  • Bark at the Moon – Ozzy Osbourne
  • War Pigs – Ozzy Osbourne
  • Perry Mason – Ozzy Osbourne
  • Passive – A Perfect Circle
  • The Hollow – A Perfect Circle
  • Orestes – A Perfect Circle
  • Gravity – A Perfect Circle
  • Eulogy – Tool
  • Pushit – Tool
  • Hush – Tool
  • Jerk-Off (live) – Tool
  • Maynard’s Dick – Tool
  • Swamp Song – Tool
  • Testify – Rage Against the Machine
  • Sleep Now in the Fire – Rage Against the Machine
  • Bulls on Parade – Rage Against the Machine
  • Take the Power Back – Rage Against the Machine
  • Fistful of Steel – Rage Against the Machine
  • Pistol Grip Pump – Rage Against the Machine
  • Baddest of the Bad – Reverend Horton Heat
  • Wiggle Stick – Reverend Horton Heat
  • One Time for Me – Reverend Horton Heat
  • Stupid Girl – The Rolling Stones
  • Under My Thumb – The Rolling Stones
  • Sympathy for the Devil – The Rolling Stones
  • Freya – The Sword
  • Rusty Cage – Soundgarden
  • Fell on Black Days – Soundgarden
  • Superunknown – Soundgarden
  • Black Hole Sun – Soundgarden
  • 4th of July – Soundgarden
  • Sour Girl – Stone Temple Pilots
  • Sex & Violence – Stone Temple Pilots
  • Vasoline – Stone Temple Pilots
  • Hells Bells – AC/DC (though I want another AC/DC song in place of it)
  • And your Bird Can Sing – The Beatles
  • Run for Your Life – The Beatles
  • Thunderhorse – Dethklok
  • Light My Fire – The Doors
  • Waiting for the Sun – The Doors
  • Touch Me – The Doors
  • My Eyes Have Seen You – The Doors
  • Strange Days – The Doors

Wow, what a list.  Tell me what you think?  What should I add?  What would you take off?  Are you Iron Man?

As I Write This Letter…

Another Music Game:  Aria Eraser

Your favorite bands have created some of the greatest music of all time, or at least they have in your mind.  However, even the most agreeable bands have created some of the worst music conceivable.  They may have given us “Ruby Tuesday” but even the ‘Stones crapped out bad songs like “2000 Man”.  In this game, you have the power to banish five songs of any artist into the void.  Gone they are forever, as if they were never created in the first place.  But there are rules for this kind of thing

Rules:

If you banish a song, it is gone forever.  It cannot be created by some other band, even if they were more suited for it.  It’s gone, and that’s it.  You can only banish five songs per game and you MUST banish all five songs.  All five songs must come from the same band/artist/musical group.

But wait, what about…?:

Some artists have been in several groups and had some solo works.  You (or the challenger) are the authority to name whether your subject is the band, the artist, all related works, or whatever.  Take John Lennon.  You could choose either The Beatles, The Quarrymen, the Plastic Ono Band (but why would you?), The Dirty Mac, some stupid other bullshit he was in, John Lennon (as in the artist himself only), stuff he actually wrote, stuff he actually performed, or all of John Lennon’s works (every band, written work, and solo stuffs).  If you are issuing the challenge, give specifics.  Nothing sucks more than coming to the end of a challenge and having someone ask, “Wait, did you mean her solo act, or only her songs with the Smashing Pumpkins?”  Go fuck yourself.

Is your song a cover of some other artists’?  Has your song been covered a shitload?  Well, don’t fret (ha ha!  Music joke!  Get it?).  This ain’t “Time Cop” or “LOST” rules.  Follow the timeline, and if it’s gone, it’s gone.  This COULD net you a bit of strategy.  Let’s say that you really hate the song “Eleanor Rigby” (what’s wrong with you?).  If you banish this song from The Beatles (the original band), it disappears from that album AND all 131 covering artists.  Gone forever.  If, however, you are a bit more like me and are a fan of the original “Imagine” by John Lennon but can’t fucking stand the shitastic covers (I’m lookin’ at you, Lady GaGa), you may have to go after each cover one-by-one to preserve the original recording.  If you kill John Lennon’s “Imagine”, you certainly get rid of that A Perfect Circle atrocity, but the original would have never existed either.  Personally, I don’t think it’s worth it.

While killing the original kills all that follows, killing covers only kills that cover and anything directly influenced by it.  “Inspired by” type songs are a judgement call.  You also need to be ready to justify yourself and accept kills that you didn’t account for.  I, for one, can’t stand “Yellow Submarine” or “Octopus’s Garden”.  These songs are actually kinda good and have inspired several songs and musical genres.  I dislike them mostly because they’ve been overplayed.  If I kill either, it starts a cascade of songs and musical groups disappearing.  It should be noted that this is not like that Nickelback hit that we all liked until we realized how shitty it was.  Kill that song doesn’t kill all of their other “hits” that sound exactly like the first one.

Either way, even if the song sucks, someone is going to want to fight you for it.  Be ready to throw down or seem like a dickface while you start some shit with friends and family.  Here’s my first entry with justifications, ’cause you ain’t here to question me.  By the by, I think I fixed my comments problem.

Aria Eraser:  The Beatles

5.  “Roll Over Beethoven ” – This is a cover that didn’t need covering. Chuck Berry did it just fine.  I understand that it was the rock revolution, but this song couldn’t be simpler.  This isn’t a crime on its own – “Please, Please Me” is very simple.  However, what “Please, Please Me” had was feeling.  Emotion.  Meaning.  Euphemisms for sex.  “Roll Over Beethoven” is just an attempt to be Rock for Rock’s sake.  Shit, that might be the first example of such a thing… I gotta look into this… Anyway, that shtick might work for Pop, but not Rock.  I’d put “Rock and Roll Music” up here for the same reason, but I’ve got shittier fish to… fry… gross.

4.  “Chains” – This song is a suckfest from the very first chord.  I get that it’s another cover, but I’ve never heard the original so eat me.  It’s a strange and un-endearing combination of musical styles lead by over-used tropes from the 50’s where this song came out in the 60’s.  Retro is not the same as being very late.  Also, Bb is a weird key for those old British amps.  I went so far as buying a replica speaker and some dusty old tubes to reproduce it to no avail.  It’s hallow but full at the same time, if that makes any sense.  It’s why “Anna (go to him)” doesn’t sound like the love ballad they meant it to be.  It sounds like a serial rapist is stocking his ex.  Seriously, give it a listen.

3.  “Doctor Robert” – Instrumentally, this song is pretty tight.  The main riff is pretty good, but a bit too repetitive to accept for as long as it hangs.  You could say that “Girl” does the same thing, but the vocals and well placed chorus breaks “Girl” up very nicely.  “Doctor Robert”?  Nope.  It drags and blows until it gets into a completely out of place chorus of strangeness.  It’s kinda churchy.  And it doesn’t fit.

2.  “Wild Honey Pie” – Sharing most of its title with “Honey Pie”, one might think this could be an alright song.  “Honey Pie” was a delightful, though somewhat awkward homage to great love songs from the Great War and World War II eras.  It particularly echoed US, British, and German Swing (with less jazz hands) – younger folk may want to envision the video game, “Bio Shock”.  Give it a listen – it’s actually pretty rad.

WILD Honey Pie, however, is no such fun.  It’s part of the reason that I don’t accept “The Bealtes” (a.k.a. The White Album) as their best.  Back to back hits ruined by weird shit like “Glass Onion” and terrible badness like “Birthday”.  It is fucking shit multiplied by a pile of hatefuck.  It’s like scatporn on top of vomit.  The song is intended to be a fusion of experimental mus… you know?  I don’t know what they meant it to be.  What came out was a minute of worthlessness, unintended horror, and a feeling like you’ve just lost every penny you’ve ever earned.  Also, am I the only person who gets some racist vibe?  A little shuck n’ jive?  Eat dat a watamelon?  Listen – I love The Beatles.  If either surviving members showed up to my house and wanted to jam, I’d do my damnedest to back them up and I’d even run out to get whatever refreshments or instruments they wanted.  But if anyone suggested this song, I’d ask them to leave my home.  Paul and Ringo – you’ve been warned.

1.  “One After 909” – This song doesn’t need me to explain it – it’s bad enough on its own.  It’s worse that that shitty “Revolution 9” thing.  At least that had drugs as an excuse.  This is patently offensive for how bad it is, and on the “Let It Be” Album, for fucks sake!

Thanks for checking this out.  P.S. – I Love You and would like to give some bonus points!  Someone abused their kids and neighbors’ kids for greatness in this video for a favorite Beatles song of mine.

tl;dr – Good bands make bad music, and I’d like to get rid of “Roll Over Beethoven”, “Chains”, “Doctor Robert”, “Wild Honey Pie”, and “One After 909”.

3 Guys?

I’m at work (not working), wrecking a banana and editing the next episode of 3 Guys Walk Into a Bar.  Wait, what?  THAT’S RIGHT, MOTHA FUCKAS!  WE GOT SHOWS AND SHOWS AND SHOWS!  Well, maybe not that many, but some.  This one seems pretty solid so far.

OH RIGHT!  That game – Jennifer M. won.  What did she win?  I STILL DON’T KNOW!  I’ll have that by next update, but don’t expect much more than air.  I’ll put up another game and I’m planning to have another music-assed thing soon.  I’m also thinking of adding my weight tracker/workout list as a side thing here – more to keep me on myself than anything else.  I feel like the potential shaming would be motivating.  I’m gunna get some coffee and pretend like I’m doing something important.

So about that game…

I’ve had two emails and they were both terribly wrong.  I blame myself.  Actually, I blame all of you, but whatever.  How about a recap and I’ll add the band’s initials?  Yeah, that sounds great.

Here’s a game that I stole from radio shows.  Three bands, one wacky clue each.  Just guess the bands.

Example – “A number of women in a furious mood – V.F.” = “Violent Femmes”

Email your answers to hobowine@gmail.com – first to get all three (or whoever I feel like) wins a prize.  I don’t know the prize yet, and it might just be a rape you thank you note or some original and poorly drawn arts havings.  Articles (the, a, an) sometimes count as initials.

Name That Band!!!

1.  THE + LaVare Burton refused to go by “Toby” – T.R.

2.  Official ruler of the United Kingdom – Q.

3.  Bound Fairy Tale Protagonist – A.I.C.