It’s late and I’m having trouble sleeping

This isn’t a new thing or whatever.  The whole having trouble sleeping thing, that is.  I don’t know how long it’s been a problem, but it’s been a good while.  I think I first noticed that I was frequently having trouble falling asleep when I lived in Germany, back when I was in the Air Force.  Ever since, I don’t think I’ve gone more than a few days without at least one sleepless or sleep-lite night.  I’m sure I do better when I’m on top of diet and exercise, don’t have heavy work stressors, etc.  All of the usual suspects.  Tonight I have some extra stuff on my mind.  Here’s what is at the top of that list.

There is a chick.

She is basically awesome.

She is sweet, smart, caring, all that jazz.  I don’t want to drone on about it and I’m sure you’re not excited to read a long list of why I dig someone so I’ll just put it this way – when it comes to the parts that matter, she’s got it covered.  I also think she digs me as much as I dig her.

She also already has a boyfriend.

I’m sure it’s a pretty common story.  The guy she is with is, or at least seems to be, a pretty alright guy.  He’s not abusive, he’s not a jerk (I think), and he’s not scummy.  He also doesn’t much seem to… I don’t know… care.  He openly says he doesn’t think she’s funny, he doesn’t make time for her, and it kind of seems like she is near the bottom of his list of priorities.  I’m pretty sure she wants to break up with him and has wanted to break up with him for a good while.  Hell, she’s actually said as much.  Take me out of the picture, I still think she really should break up with that dude.  Staying with him is, in my admittedly biased opinion, settling.

Settling is something I no longer understand.  I mean, I guess I get it to some degree.  Conscience doth make cowards of us all, right?  Knowing what she has or perceives she has now and comparing that stability to the utter unknown of being single is probably scary.  I don’t really know this fear because I have spent most of my life being single.  Most of my time when I wasn’t single, I was in long distance relationships and in some of those cases was still very much alone.  I have come to an understanding with life and relationships where I have been able to start stepping back and examining the actual situation.  I have before stayed in a relationship that really wasn’t great and I didn’t want to stay in but stayed in it anyway.  I stayed in it because I thought I needed it.  If I knew then what I know now, I would not have hesitated to walk away.  Bottom line, if the relationship isn’t actively good, you should at least consider walking away from it.  Don’t settle.

I know it’s easier to say from my standpoint in this whole situation.  I mean, I lose nothing and encounter no risk if she walks away.  Hell, I would stand to gain from it (at least I hope), but still.  Even if it isn’t for me but rather for some other guy, I don’t think she should settle.  He’s not a bad guy or anything, I just think she deserves better.  The fact that I would like to apply for that potential opening is inconsequential.  Well… yeah, whatever, I’m totally biased.  Fuck off, I’m allowed to have feeling, too.

tl;dr – I’m into an awesome chick but she’s not available.  Yep.  I don’t seem capable of doing things the easy way.

Oh, right, she also used to be married.

To one of my best friends.

So…

That might get a little weird for a little while.

I will probably be writing more about her in my next blog post, so consider this a warning if you’re not into reading about that sort of stuff.  In other words, if  you’re just here for the dick jokes and the sex talk, it’s gunna be a little longer before I post one of those.

Life-Assed-Life: 19 September 2013

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve given anything close to an update on this blog.  Hell, I haven’t even been Tumbl’n and just barely Tweeting.  I have previously referred to this as a “Quick Check-in”, but that’s pretty unrealistic given that these sometimes go for a good couple of pages… were you to print it… which… yeah, why would you?  Alright, whatever.  Here’s my dizzle as of lizzle:

Work:

  • I have never felt more confident in my work in my entire life.  I remember asking my Dad and my Grandpa once if I would ever “figure it out.”  I don’t remember their answers exactly, but I do remember them being pretty fucking awesome.  Their responses were something akin to Creedence Clearwater Revival’s increasingly relevant “Someday Never Comes“,  along the lines of “ask me in a few more years”, “I’m still working it out”, and “you never really do.”  I find this to be so very true, and yet, I have started feeling incredibly comfortable in what I am doing.  I now understand how some people can comfortably settle into a job that requires a completely different skillset.  It really is more about just being able to roll with it.  Do I have an answer to that person’s very immediate problem?  Nah.  But that’s okay.  Can I even give some guidance or direct them to where they might find it themselves?  Hmm… no, not really.  But that’s okay, too.  I don’t mind saying that I have no idea what the answer is, how to help, or even what the question is referring to, but that I’ll figure it out and have something soon.  It’s gotten to a point where I believe that my boss and boss’s boss both understand that if I say, “No, I don’t know or even understand, but I’ll figure it out” I actually do mean what I say and they can walk away with the same confidence that I feel.
  • I still don’t like the way that things worked out with the whole “me level” vs. “senior me level” and the loss of headcount.  HOWEVER, I have really been kicking ass lately.  Couple that with the above jam and yeah, I’m not worried.  I feel like I already am in a position to bargain.  Next year, when it is time for my performance review for this year, will be the latest that I do that.  I am currently feeling bold enough that I am considering doing that earlier, but with various other things in motion, I think I’d rather watch how everything else works out first.  When it comes time, if they don’t play, I am finally completely comfortable in my own abilities and marketing myself to just walk.  They actually do owe me this time.  If they can’t pay up/play game, they can go fuck themselves.  It will be their loss, not mine.
  • I have been training a “senior not-really-me” in our sister department to try to pick up my overflow and back me up when I need a vacation.  This is an alright consolation prize to what, honestly, everyone knows really should have happened – me becoming the “senior me” and us promoting one of our two best candidates already on the team to be the “junior me.”  In this case, there is someone that should be easily trained to become knowledgeable and accountable to back me up when I’m out and pick up my scraps when I can’t get to them.  However, my new “backup” really isn’t catching on.  She is way more concerned about the documentation and occasionally appears to try to assert herself as my boss.  She is not my boss.  I would never accept her as my boss, especially given how much she clearly wants to lord her knowledge and experience over others.  Knowledge and experience which, by the by, actually makes her sound like a fucking idiot.  Which brings me to the last part – I can’t tell if she is as smart as I have been led to believe she is or not.  She sometimes seems to be able to connect “A” to “C” without “B”, but there are other times when I completely map out the route, and she can’t even pull out of “A’s” driveway.  And then she rationalizes her failings like I’m the idiot that should have written a document that can somehow allow (metaphorically, if it isn’t obvious) a 4 year old to publish findings on Lagrange Points.

Home/health/personal:

  • My classic problems of clutter and stupid cleaning problems are mostly cleared up.  I have, however, found a new cleaning problem – I think my vacuum is no longer doing its job well enough.  I am almost certain that is didn’t actually pick anything up in my bedroom or living room the last couple of times I ran it.  I have been pining over getting one of those fancy Dyson vacuums for a while now and I think I’m at the point where I need to stop jawing and start grabbing.
  • My other classic problem of fighting my gut – I gained some, I lost some, I gained some, I lost some.  I am still below last year’s horrible starting point of 280-something.  I am above last year’s ending point of 240-something.  I am ramping up to make a more concerted effort and to not let the Winter of 2013 be as much of a slack-fest as the Winter of 2012.  I will probably start publishing my gut stats ’round the end of this month.
  • My fancy Jawbone Up has basically stopped working.  I’m talking to their support staff about it.  Here’s to hoping they can replace/repair the thing free of charge.  Aside from the fact that the thing weren’t cheap, the truth is that I actually like it.  It’s maybe not as magical as I would like it to be, but it at least hits my basic wants for such a device.
  • I went on a few more dates.  I was not all that into them.
  • I hooked up with that Yoga Girl once more.  This was a few months back.  She texted, came over, we got some kinda drunk, stuff happened.  Stuff happened in her butt which, for the first time ever, was by her request.  In retrospect, something about this seems off.  Like… it should have been more fun.  I don’t know, maybe I’m readin’ too much into it, but I feel like she wasn’t really into it.  But then, A) she reached out to me and B) offered before I asked.  Why would you do that if you weren’t super into it?  I suppose it really doesn’t matter.  I don’t see that deal going anywhere and have told her as much.  She agreed.  Maybe she was just trying to get closure?  Or maybe confirm that she totally really doesn’t like it “in the can”?  Don’t know, don’t really care.
  • There is actually a girl that I do care about.  I should probably make that my next post, because it is somewhat of a thang.  I don’t mean a “thang” in the sense that we are an item, more that what I am doing is worth noting and, were it a blogger that I was following, would probably be my the edge of my seat to read about.  The subtext – as a minimum, I am either a scumbag or a loser.  More to come!

Gaming:

  • Batmensch: Arkham Bigger Joint was pretty damned good.  Probably much better than the first.  I think I finished it.  I say that because I have heard it dumps you right back into the main world when you finished it, and I don’t recall seeing credits… but I’m pretty sure I have resolved the games conflict… I dunno.  I’d have a more definitive answer about it except that I can’t bring myself to play it anymore.  This has less to do with the game and more to do with the me.  I have found the “economy” of my gaming has changed a lot in the past few years.  I now have the money to buy all of the games that I want to, but I no longer have the time to play them all.  And that’s not just talking actually, you can look at it and track it, clock/calendar time.  I mean, I might be at work and have (effectively) nothing to do, but I still have shit to do that takes priority to picking up a new game.  I did finish “Saint’s Row IV”, though.  That ain’t a short game.  But I will probably never 100% that game.  As soon as I hit the credits, I was done.  I am actually apprehensive about booting it back up.  This has extended to something that I feel very weird about.  In the past, I would be all about, maybe even beg for more.  Sequels, expansions, extras, DLC.  Anything, just fucking give me more.  But now… fuck, dude, no.  There is a DLC joint for Mass Effect 3 (been out for a while) that sounds like it is soooo right up my ally, but I can’t even bring myself buy it because I don’t think I’ll even play that game again.  I already have bought a grip of DLC for Skyrim, and will probably never play it for the same reason.  I don’t know, man.  Back in the day, I would squeeze everything last drop out of every game.  These days, I think I just want a really good, really tight, well delivered game experience.  And when it’s done, it’s done.  Like a movie.
  • Also – Saint’s Row IV is probably not as good as Saint’s Row the 3rd, but I actually think I had more fun playing it.  It’s stupid.  Stupid in a way I can really get behind.

tl;dr – Work havings; stupidness in my life; gamin’ ain’t easy, playa

I should probably talk about that girl situation sooner than later.  It’s top of mind and I imagine that if one of the bloggers I follow were in this situation, I’d be way-the-fuck up their proverbial ass about it.

Kinda pissed off about my job situation

This is going to be a blog-assed-blog post, so if you’re just here for the filthy and/or funny stuff I write, you might want to skip this one.  If you’re into blog-assed-blog shit, settle on it.

Remember how I applied for a new position at work?  To recap if you didn’t:

In my team at work, we have six positions –

  • 3 people that do the core work
  • 1 person that coordinates daily team efforts and workload
  • 1 person that does higher-level core work and wild-assed-shit
  • 1 “senior” person that does higher-level core work and wild-assed-shit
  • 1 manager

I’m the person that does higher-level/wild-assed work.  The guy who used to be the “senior” wild-assed-shit worker got promoted to a manager of another team, and his position opened up and was posted to the jobs market.  A bunch of people applied, including myself.  I don’t really think that I’m overstating things, but really, I am the best choice to replace the previous “senior”.  It’s been a few months now and I’ve not only been doing all of my work, I’ve also taken on all of the “senior” work, and I’ve been kicking ass with it.  Naturally, I’m a shoe-in.  I’ll get the “senior” position and my position will get posted with a strong effort to replace me as quickly as possible to balance the workload back out.  Pretty simple, right?

Wrong.

So I guess they’re going to go with someone with more experience, right?

Also wrong.

Instead, someone in my chain-of-command has decided that my team is handling the workload SO well, that we don’t need a “senior” anymore.  Nope.  We don’t even need a second “junior”.  Nope.  Instead, good ol’ Aaron can keep doing all of the “junior” AND “senior” work, and receive zero recognition for it.  And I’m being told that it isn’t a bad thing.

Fuckin’ really?  This is, what, good?  The fuck how?

The truth is, I really like my job.  I am also really, really, fucking good at it, and that’s not hubris talking.  And right now, I feel fucking betrayed.  I feel like I’m overworked and undervalued and that, for all of my extra efforts, I have just had my most immediate chance for advancement stolen right from my grasp.  I am doing the “senior” work, I don’t want someone else to come in and take that work from me, and I really fucking need someone to help burden this load.  So now what?  I feel like it’s career suicide if I just stay here, so even though I love my job, I think I have to leave it.  I’ll never get respect here, so I gotta just go, right?

tl;dr – having some work problems because I did a great job, somehow; no good deed goes unpunished.

Oh fuck, can I even take a day off now?  I don’t think I fucking can!

My current worst habit

I’ve recently become aware that I’ve developed a really fucking bad habit – I eat my dinner way too late.  And man, let me tell ya’, I’m talkin’ late.

Last night’s dinner was healthy as fuck.  I had medium portion of pan roasted lake trout, some Spanish rice, and some yummy baby bok choy.  That’s right ladies, this dude can cook.  Fuckin’ swoon.  But I feel like I completely undermined the awesome balance of caloric and other nutritional values but eating it at 10:30 at night.  YES!  I ATE DINNER LAST NIGHT AT TEN-FUCKING-THIRTY IN THE PEE-EM!  The fuck is wrong with me?

It’s a really shitty habit and I should have been more aware of developing it, because this isn’t the first time – albeit possibly the worst example.  I have habitually been eating my dinner no earlier than 7:30 PM (which would probably be okay), and usually closer to 8:30 to 9 PM.  It’s really not healthy, for soooooo many fucking reasons.  If it doesn’t seem like a bad idea to you, fuckin’ google that shit.  If you don’t believe what you read, tell ya’ what – try it for a while.  Tell me about your waistline a few months in.

I have more to say on that, but I’m pretty sure I’m on a road to being late to work today, so… gunna wrap this up in a second.  All that I can really say is that I know how to fix this one, and that’s to fall back on the only positive trait of mine that I can really rely on – routine.  I just need to alter what has become my current routine to, if this makes any sense, “stack the deck” of my tasks and dicking-around-times such that eating my dinner (and cooking it in most cases) takes place right when I get home from work, not after dicking around or whatever for a few hours.

tl;dr – I’ve developed a shitty habit of eating way the fuck to late at night and now have to correct that shit.

Also, I need to eat more fruit.

OH SHIT!  This is a Thursday post!  It’s supposed to be dirty, ’cause of the thing I used to do on the regular… uh… uh… Handjobs, tittyfuck, buttsecks!  Is that better?  Yeah?  Fuck!  I’ll try to make it up next week.

Quick Check-in – 07/16/2013

I’ve been 31 years old for a month now.  Not sure if that matters or not, I’m just lettin’ you know.

Remember when I used to update this thing like three times a week?  And that brief period that I was updating it like… every day?  Yeah, I had a lot of free time on my hands.  Or, I don’t know, slightly less “give-a-fuck” in me.  Alrighty, let’s do this shit Old School:

Work:

  • I am now so busy at work that I have no choice but to perform a sort of “task triage” every single day – I have these 30 tasks I need to get done at some point.  I have time for five.  These two need to be done today, so now to pick from the list what does and doesn’t get done.
  • So basically, the team I work in is supposed to have two people in my position – one senior and one junior (they don’t call it a junior, that’s just to make it easier to talk about).  I’m in the junior position and the guy that was in the senior position moved to manage another team.  So now there is just me, the junior, doing both jobs of the junior and the senior.  We are looking to hire a second person, but the spot is for the senior position.  If I want it, which I do, I have to apply for it, which I have.  I also have to interview and etc., which hasn’t happened yet.  It’s been long enough that I’m starting to both feel the pressure of having to shoulder all of the burden as well as feel somewhat insulted that my bosses haven’t just said, “Fuck it, you’re the new senior guy, let’s start looking for a new junior guy and let’s try to be quick about it.”  I feel like I’ve talked about this before… did I?  Fuck, I’m boring.

Home/health/personal:

  • I’m having trouble keeping on top of clutter in a few rooms… but I think I’ve got an idea on how to handle that.
  • I picked up one of those obsessive fitness monitor gadget off of a suggestion from my brother.  It’s a Jawbone Up.  I’ve only had it a few days, and I’ve been slightly too forgetful to make the best use of it.  Even with that, I think I can say I like it.
  • Still haven’t gotten to the eye or dental exams, but I did make it to a physical.  Same as it always is – I need to lose some weight and blah blah blah.
  • I went on a few dates.  I was not all that into them.
  • did knock some boots with a pretty lady I met on the internet.  She was down for some dirty-dirty, which was nice.
  • Kind of bummed out over the loss of Ryan Davis.  He’s not a personal friend or anything, but he is probably the closest that I have ever been to feeling a real impact from the loss of a celebrity.  Also, I get the feeling that were he to hear such a thing, he would probably tell the person saying it to shut the fuck up with that bullshit.

Gaming:

  • Picked up the latest Batmensch game.  It’s been out for a good while, but I really didn’t have time to play it before.  It dropped down to $16 for the “Game of the Year” edition on Amazon, so… yeah.
  • Participating in the summer Steam sale.  I picked up 8 games for the price of one, and the sale is still going on.  I need to stay away from that place, yo’, lest I pick up way too many games to ever actually play.

tl;dr – I’m a boring working stiff with a fancy bracelet and video games.  Also, “Fuck, Ryan Davis” (the comma placement is pretty important).

Today is Taco Tuesday.  I must pick up salsa on the way home from work.

Quick check in 06-14-2013

It’s been about a week since I’ve last checked in and now is as good a time as any, so here goes.  I had a really good Wednesday this past week.  A handful of my friends and I took the day (or at least half-day) off to go fuck around like we did when we were teens… except with the power of being adults.  We went to a local gun store/range that lets you rent handguns and range time.  We fired off four different weapons, but I didn’t bother committing their names to memory.  Two were semiautomatic and two were revolvers.  One semiauto was 9mm, one was .38 caliber.  The 9mm felt almost exactly like the Beretta M9 that I was issued as a sidearm while I was in the Air Force, which felt a little surreal.  The .38 didn’t feel much different, to be honest.  I was expecting a lot more kick.  The same goes for the revolvers, one of which was also a .38, the other was a .22.  I remember firing a .38 revolver while I was in Iraq (it’s complicated), and it had a whole lot more kick than this one.  Still, the .38 revolver did have enough kick and weapon heft to make me feel all “Fistful of Dollars” all up in that bitch… though I think the movie gun may have been a .45… whatever, don’t judge me.

I have fired a .45 revolver in my life.  Also a .50 cal Desert Eagle.  Being a man who respects tools and machines for what they are, I find weapons very fascinating.  I don’t own any and may never, but don’t have a problem with those who do, even if their reason for owning is just, “Man, they’re cool”.  Firing a .45 revolver feels awesome.  However, at least for me, firing the Desert Eagle is terrifying.  But then, handguns were never really my thing.  Rifles and carbines have always been more my style.  I’m surgical with an M4 (or at least used to be), and have recently had a strong interest in picking up an M14.  Not sure why.

After the range, we went to race go karts.  To be completely honest, that was my favorite part.  We raced three times and I came last in every race (but never in bed! ZING!).  Losing didn’t matter.  Getting up to speed, feeling the road (or… warehouse concrete, really), and challenging friends and hairpin corners alike was what mattered, and it was invigorating.  I’d do either again in a heartbeat, but if I were choosing between the two, I’d pick racing 10 out of 10 times.  To bring up recent strong interests again, I’ve also been thinking of checking out getting a shitty car I can mod and race at track days.  Don’t think I’ll be following through with that anytime soon, but… it’s there.

This weekend, I had originally planned on heading out of town.  I was thinking I’d hit the road right after work on Friday (today) and just kinda go… somewhere.  Nothing for the price/timeframe really caught my eye, especially just going solo.  If I’m going to solo something, I think it would be a return to Europe or East Asia, parts of each being fantastic whether with a group or on your own.  But that’s for another time, what’s important is that my weekend plans have changed.  I still plan to get out of town for a while, though I don’t anticipate any overnights.  My current primary traits of busy, lazy, and organized are at odds with each other and I need to rectify that as soon as possible.  So what I think I’ll do is head out tomorrow morning bright and early for some bow target practice, come home to start cleaning up my place, and then maybe drive out to a campsite that I’d like to scout for a potential trip later this summer.  Then Sunday, I’ll wrap up whatever cleaning/organizing is left to do in my place.  Man.  Exciting.  Maybe I’ll go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond.  Or Home Depot.  I don’t know, right!?!  There’s so much to do!

tl;dr – I think I just realized that I am the definition of lame

Well… fuck.  That ruins my self image a little.

Dirty Talk Thursday – The Return

This is going to be a little shorter than most Dirty Talk Thursday posts, but I gotta get back into the swing of regular posting again. Plus, I want to do more than just tease future posts with vague assed, “hey, there’s gunna be a thing!” threats. So today, I’m going to share some quick notes on another crossing of two of my major traits – 1) Big ol’ Nerd & 2) Big ol’ Perv.

I’ve been compiling sex stats again.

Yes.

There will be another sweet-assed-chart.

Once again, the chart isn’t exactly going to be Scientific. On the other hand, at least this time I have a bit more data to cross reference. The data I have been collecting has been all about hooking up, what goes into making a hookup happen, and the information that I have observed that women want before hooking up.

It may be a while before that goes up, though, for two major reasons. The first is sample size. I need more instances to feel good about statistically declaring that, “So… this is a thing.” This has so far involved me going through as many of my previous attempts at hookups, successful and otherwise, as possible and doing some data entry. Emails, gChats, AOL IMs, onlinebootycall.com messages, match.com things, etc. That won’t be enough data, either, so I’ve also started just tossing out hookup invites/emails/craigslistings just to get more info, even though I’m in kind of a weird place right now and don’t think I’d act on any hits, if we’re just going to be clinical and call them that. and yeah, I’ll pro’lly get around to talking about that weird place I’m in another time. just not now.

I’m going through all of the hookup attempts, pulling all of the relevant info that I can, and plugging it all into a fairly robust spreadsheet. It’s robust enough that I may need to brush up on pivot tables again. I’m even trying to include stats on when something I said or did probably influenced what she said or did and would skew results. For instance, one of the stats is whether or not the girl asked me about any specific sex acts. I think it would be interesting to know how common that happens, but I think it is a more interesting stat if it was asking independently of influence. So if she asks me if I like reverse cowgirl, that gets tallied. But if she asked that following me asking her if she likes giving handjobs, that also gets tallied and would count against her answer in this instance in a weighted statistic. If she wants to know how I feel about “tango foxtrot” but I first asked her if she had any fetishes, same deal. But if we’ve only done the basic intros and preliminary planning and she’s all, “So my last boyfriend was really into anal, which is weird… I mean, unless you’re into it… I mean we could give it a… Just for fun..?” That counts.

I’ll get more into the details of the data I’m collecting when I actually out the results out there. Maybe I’ll drop some thoughts as I get closet to that happening in the mean time. The other thing that will take time is actually going through my data, plotting it, and seeing if I can pull some trends or whatever. To me, the raw data is very interesting. However, the most interesting parts come from the trending, comparisons, and extrapolations.

On that note, I actually already have a trend that I feel fairly comfortable sharing. You know how damn near every study about female sexual preferences and attraction ever always say that cock size doesn’t matter? Well, I’m pretty sure they are all full of shit. Up to this point with over 200 instances (and no, I have not hooked up with even a fraction of those instances), far and away the most frequently, uninfluenced, not-prompted questions that I get asked are direct inquiries about the size of my Johnson. I get asked that so often and from so many different types of women that if it doesn’t matter, than I don’t understand things.

That being said, I wouldn’t say that they are looking for the giant trouser snakes that every porno and frat guy would have us believe we need to have. Hell, some even seem to prefer smaller than the (probably also bullshit) self-reported average of six to seven inches. But I don’t think there is a trend towards a specific size. In fact, I think most end up resulting in wanting a picture of the thing. Which, by the way, sending a dick pic… Pretty weird sensation.

Like I said, we’ll see what the final results are. That one just stuck out to me. Probably because even though I am now completely comfortable with my own “fun sized” package these days, I seem to unwittingly be amount the huge statistic of men that are obsessed with the dimensions of their own disaster area. Yeah. And you chicks thought you had body image problems. Ours could actually result in functional issues.

tl;dr – Dirty Talk Thursday is back; I’m collecting a big pile of sex stats; broads totally care about cock size… I think.

Oh, and another thing – not a lot of single women live alone, according to my stats. I’d like to cross that with some census info to see if I maybe the type of women I’m encountering are relatively unique and thus skewing results no matter what.

Quick Update 6/4/2013

It’s been too long since I last updated this shit.  As always, I have a lot to talk about but not enough time to tell it.  I’d feel sorry about it except I don’t.  Oh, I don’t know, maybe a bit.  Mostly selfishly.  I mean, when I update on a regular, a lot more people come to my stupid blog.  A much smaller percentage of you are bots when I keep to the schedule and have regular updates.  So yeah, it is kind of a bummer when I don’t update.  But… it’s free… and it’s really about my life, so… fuck off.

So here’s what’s going on with me.  It’s Tuesday morning.  I’m in my boxers, eating a salad for breakfast – yes, a salad – and I’m trying to convince myself to wrap this up as quickly as possible so I can go lift weights.  I don’t really want to lift weights, but know that I need to.  I’m back on my weight loss initiative that went awesome last year but has been dragging this year.  That’s why the salad for breakfast.  That’s why the need to lift.  Running has, oddly, become my favorite exercise.  Actually, re-become my favorite.  Long story short, I was in the military back in the day and I would unwind by going for a pretty long run, especially on weekends.  Then I left the military and got really fat and blah blah now I’m 30 so everything is difficult and parts hurt.  Lifting was briefly my favorite exercise.  Now I’m less into it (’cause of the thing where parts hurt), but lifting is a really great fat burner, so… I need to buck up and just do it.

But whatever, we have plenty of time for me to bitch about my weight.  I’m a fat guy at heart, so even if I do get my military body back and have some semblance of abs again, I will always struggle with my weight.  I should make that a weekly feature – “Today is Tuesday, and I’m going to whinge on about my moobs…”

What else has been going on with me…?  It’s odd, there are times when I feel like I’m so busy I can barely take a moment to rest.  Other times, I feel like I have so much free time that I’m almost overwhelmed.  That’s kind of stupid, right?  I’ve almost completely tackled this phenomenon at work.  I clearly have too much work to get done in the allotted time, to the point where I take work home and sometimes pop into the office on the weekend, but I never feel overwhelmed about it.  I’ve figured out how to balance it all pretty well, and I’m starting to realize that sometimes you just have to say “no” to new tasks.  Sometimes you can’t just say no, but you at least can say, “Hey, no really, I already have A, B, and C on my plate and won’t be able to finish those early, so if you add X, Y, and Z, then you and I need to prioritize these and pick which you really need done.”  I get stuff done and do a good job with it.

At home, I haven’t quite figured this out.  Part of the problem is that, on weekends, if I’m not out with friends or family I pretty much just check out of society.  I just chill out, either home or around town, and effectively do jack all.  Week nights, I’m either worn out or wound up, and I find myself wasting time just trying to take a load off.  It’s always been tough for me to balance my home life, but man… I’m too old for that.  I don’t know, I’m rambling and I really need to go to work.  Guess I’ll see if I can convince myself to lift when I get back home.

tl;dr – Salad for breakfast, work is busy but good, and I’m no good at “off time”

Yo’, have I ever got a story about some dumb shit I did last month.  If I can convince myself to take the time, I’ll be sure to put it down here.

Quick update 04-24-13

I’ve really been slacking on my blogging duties all up in here, which maybe doesn’t bode well for this website that I’ve been taking my sweet time launching. This seems to be my most regular blogging theme over the past year or so. It’s not that I’m lacking either subject matter or will to post, either. It is, to some small degree, that I haven’t really had time. That much is at least a little true. It’s pretty tough to keep up with life, especially when trying to balance multiple aspects of my social life, my professional life, and, if I’m being really honest, my health. I may speak more to that another time, but for now let’s just say that some aspects of my life got a little dark there for a little while. I feel very much on the other side of it now, but also now get to deal with the aftermath, which is always lots and lots of fun.

It always feels odd. Very strange, really, to look back on how you have spent the last six months to a year and really reflect on how you have spent them. I don’t think enough people spend enough time being truly introspective. Well, that’s maybe a bit pretentious. I mean that I feel most people think only of, or at least mostly of, what they are doing now. They may think a bit more about what they will do in the future, but I feel like a good ponder over your own past and the decisions (or lack thereof) that have led you to today is just as important. What have you done? How have you spent your time? Are you okay with your decisions and what do you do if you are not? For that matter, what does it mean if you are okay with your decisions, particularly when you know those decisions haven’t been the best? What, if anything, can you learn from the time you have spent? Is there someone close to you that you can use as a valid comparison, a “benchmark”? Not necessarily someone you admire, though I suppose that is also valid, but more of a person you can compare your progress against. What if you don’t measure up?

I’m not having a midlife crises here – no need to freak out. It’s just that I occasionally like to take inventory of my life and consider my direction. To see if my compass is still true or if it’s time for some repairs. This is getting really vague and personal and the post is getting a lot longer than intended, so let’s wrap it up. Some aspects of my life have been going about a million miles an hour while others have ground to a halt.  Before I make anymore mixed metaphors, let’s just say that it’s time to reevaluate my pace once more.

tl;dr – Little self indulgent today but still… It’s good to take a few minutes to think about where you are and where you’ve been. Springtime always makes me self conscience.

But about that midlife crises – I have been thinking about getting a motorcycle. I know, right?

Cheap Guitar Part

I don’t know that I’ve ever made a point saying this, but one of my hobbies is making guitars.  I should specify – my hobby is to make electric guitars.  I have never tried making an acoustic guitar.  It doesn’t seem that terribly difficult, but difficult enough and with an upfront investment in tools and equipment that I’m not presently interested in.  But yes, the long and short of it is that I like to make electric guitars.  I also like to play guitar (electric and acoustic, and I dabble in electric bass).  Actually, playing guitar and being rather poor in my early 20’s is what lead to my hobby of making them. I came for the cheap instruments, I stayed for the joy of making.

The very first guitar I made was pretty alright.  I don’t recall exactly what the base wood was, though I suspect Mahogany.  This is something that any experience Luthier (word for person what makes guitars) would absolutely know about each and every guitar that they have made, as the wood that you use to make your guitar is extremely important.  It’s important structurally, sure.  You wouldn’t make a guitar out of plywood.  Or… hmm… actually, I might, but I’m fuckin’ crazy.  To someone who’s spent some time making guitars and really thinking about the final outcome, the type of wood you use is much more affected by aesthetics.  And I don’t just mean how the guitar will look with the wood chosen.  In fact, at least for me, it’s much more important to consider how the guitar will sound.  With an electric guitar, you might think that I’m tossin’ crazy talk out here, but maybe that’s because you’re thinking of electric guitar music as being heavily distorted – Grunge, Punk, Metal.  However, the vast majority of songs out there recorded on electric guitar are not that heavily distorted, if at all.  And if we’re being completely honest, there are many who would argue that you can discern the tone of an instrument even with heavy distortion in a given tune.  You know what?  I should really dig deeper into this and many other guitar-assed-guitar subjects going forward.  But for now, let’s get to the whole thing.

I say that the first guitar I made was pretty alright.  It wasn’t great.  I made mistakes making it.  Some of my cuts weren’t square.  I didn’t always “measure twice”.  I used a wood that wasn’t right for the tone I wasn’t playing at the time.  The guitar body I made and the guitar neck I ordered weren’t well paired.  My wiring got fucked up because I didn’t shield and I wasn’t good at soldering that didn’t involve a breadboard.  I wasn’t fudging woodwork that I didn’t have the right equipment for.  I was rushing things because I only had a short window to work in because I was home on leave from the Air Force.  I was changing my mind on what kind of guitar I was making mid-build.  In short – I done fucked that thing up somethin’ good.

But it played.

And I could get it in tune.

And I felt awesome anytime I picked it up.

Most importantly, I learned a lot, and not just about making guitars.  I learned some shit while making the guitar and later while compensating for or fixing the mistakes I made during the initial build that I have been able to apply to other aspects of my life.  Needless to say, the experiences was meaningful with many lessons and I am a quick learner.  Thing is… some lessons I just can’t seem to learn.

You know, sometimes I feel like a real dipshit.  You know how everyone ever learns not to touch hot things?  Yeah, I apparently haven’t.  In the past year, I have:

  • Reached into a hot-as-fuck oven at an angle where my upper left arm has no choice but to touch the edge of one of the rack, burn-carving a 2-inch long and 1/4-inch deep chunk out of my stupid flesh
  • Reached into the same hot-as-fuck oven at a completely other time for a completely other reason and grab onto the metal handle of a fuck-off-hot and heavy-as-cock pan, full grip, permanently fire-fucking my right palm and bottoms of that hands’ finger and OH YES the finger tips as well.
  • Grab a GLOWING RED FUCKING HOT hunk of somekindametal in mid-air whilst it was falling off of a forge onto concrete that REALLY FUCKING DIDN’T need me saving it, further burning my fucking stupid right hand, which just so happens to be my favorite and most used hand.
  • Snap-reacted to an out-of-place glow off my left shoulder with an irrational left-backhand-swipe into MOTHER FUCKING EMBERS of a free-standing open firepit, burning many nerve ending right out of the back of my left hand.
  • Wrap my dumbass lips around BOTH a Hot Pocket and a gas-station frozen-burrito, which ANY FUCKING IDIOT KNOWS IS FILLED WITH LAVA UNLESS YOU LET IT SETTLE FOR AT LEAST TEN MINUTES, causing the faint hints of Tom Waits in my throat to gain just a little more ground
  • AND MANY, MANY MORE TIMES I WAS A DIPSHIT

The lesson I should have but didn’t learn with my first guitar build was all about hardware.  In the case of building guitars, hardware has to do with what I would have referred to as “parts” before making one of these things on my own.  The machine heads (or tuners), the bridge, the pickups, frets, inlays, nut, pins, etc., etc.  The stuff that, even if you have the means to make them yourself (and yeah, you can totally make all of those yourself), you would probably buy anyway.  I mean, I could wind my own pickups.  It’s not terribly hard.  I’ve gone through that exercise before.  But I prefer pickups made by pros.

When you buy guitar parts, just like everything else that you could buy, you usually get what you paid for.  If you pay next to nothing for some tuners, you’re probably going to get some shitty tuners.  Well, guess what I did?  I paid next to nothing for some guitar tuners.  Guess what I got?  Some fucking guitar tuners that you can’t actually thread your fucking strings through.

Fucking great.

Well, I guess I’ll return these and wait for them to send replacements and…

Wait…

What?

No returns?

No swaps or replacement?

You’re motherfucking China and you don’t give two shits that you fucked up and I paid for it, even though your whole deal was “Satisfaction Guaranteed”?

Well fuck you, assholes!  Imma rate you a big-ol’ Zero outta Five Stars, you shitheads!

Wait… so… you already have a trillion “Five outta Five’s” which is what lead me to buy from you in the first place… hmm… and now that I look a little closer, it sees like those numbers might just be a tad bit fixed.

Awesome.

I’ve been fucking duped.

Welp.  At least they were cheap.  Now comes a decision – do I just chuck these out and write them off as a completely bad buy, or do I actually try to salvage them by milling out the heads?  What if it turns out they’re made from pot-metal and they break in the middle of a song?  Do I hunt down some new tuners for a moderate price and hope I don’t get fleeced?  Do I pay full price for some tuner that, honestly, I know from experience are not worth what they are charging?  Either way, I am exactly one step away from finishing my best guitar so far, a guitar that I have been dicking around with for over a year and cannot wait to play.  I am only a set of WORKING guitar tuners away from a great new guitar.  The shit am I supposed to do to finish this thing?

tl;dr – FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK buying cheap-assed guitar parts.

Also, Mahogany is HEAVY AS FUCK.  When I get down to get down, I like to strum, slap, and slink away for a good couple hours and heavy as fuck is not very conducive that this desire.