Super quick-update

I’m about to be late for work, but whatever, it’s been forever since I’ve updated.  Here’s a quick one for the few of you that still check this out from time to time.  There’ll be some more of the older-style stuff in the future (though maybe not so much with the dirty stuff).

Work – I now have far too much going on to keep up.  My boss is aware of this, but my boss’s boss and on up don’t seem to be getting the message.  And I don’t think it’s my boss’s fault that they aren’t, I just think they aren’t capable of comprehending how much time shit actually takes.

Home – I bought a bed to put that mattress I got like, a year ago? on top of.  It has dramatically improved my sleeping experience.

Other stuff – Fuck (part of) what I said in my last post.  Maybe not the biggest and definitely not the pressing.  In other words, I’m still not going to make any moves or whatever if she isn’t single.  And I will still have a lot of pause if I think it will hurt the one friend of mine that it might.  But am going to talk to her/hang out with her.  She is my friend, and it would be shitty to both of us if I cut that off.  I’m not going to actively pursue her, I think, but if something happens between us, then I guess it’s because it’s suppose to.  She’s a hell of a woman, there is a connection there, and it ain’t a crush.  Not to say I can’t deal with however it turns out.  The only bummer is if she stays with dude and has the same feeling for me that I do for her.  In which case, my sticking around would just be torture.  That might add to my growing desire to maybe… move.  Maybe to the other coast or something.  I don’t know.

Alright, I gotta get the fuck out of here.

tl;dr – Work is tough; I got a bed; minor changes to the rash policies I drafted last week

 

Real Talk – I almost fucked up everything and am a terrible person for even thinking it

I talked about this a little earlier this week in what, in retrospect, reads like a rambling fit to me.  Give me a break, it was like… 2:00 AM when I wrote it, and my head was in a weird place.  A couple quick things up front.  A) This is going to be a longer post than usual, so skip to the “too long; didn’t read” in bold (tl;dr) at the end if you think reading is for suckers.  B) The comments function of my blog is completely fucked by spam and I’ve been too busy/lazy to fix it.  If you have something to say to me about this subject or any others, hit me on Twitter (@onehobowine) or drop me an email (hobowine@gmail.com).  Or if you actually know me, and there’s a fair chance you do, just text me.  Obviously.  C) This is pretty sappy and might reveal me to be both more of a romantic than I like to let on and somehow more of a scumbag than is really acceptable.  D) If you’re worried that I’m putting this out there and the wrong person might read it, know that none of the other people involved read this and I think only one is even vaguely aware that it exists (and doesn’t know the url).  So your job, if you know them, is to not fucking tell them.  Got it?  Good.

I’ve been into a woman for a while.  My feelings for her have been brewing in spite of so many reasons why they shouldn’t and that pot has started to boil over.  The foam started dripping onto the burner this week as I have tried to not think of her and mind my own business.  But it hasn’t been easy, nor would it be to continue this strange boiling pot metaphor.

I don’t know when this all started.  I can point to very specific times when I felt very specific things and I can tell you that those feelings were good and they were real.  That doesn’t change the overall situation, but I hope it gives some perspective.  Or at least adds a little color, ’cause there’s nothing worse than reading something bland.  Around the beginning of this year, she and I hung out a little at work.  She took me to lunch a few times.  In the Spring, she was having serious allergy troubles, so I brought her local, raw honey (google it).  That was the first sign that I was feeling something, because as I was walking to her desk to hand her the honey, I suddenly felt incredibly nervous.  As I walked back to my desk, my head started racing with questions.  “Why did I just do that?  I really went out of my way yesterday to spend ten bucks on a jar of honey for a friend?  I mean, yeah… maybe that really is the kind of guy I should be, helping my friends or whatever, but… Would I do that for my other friends?  That other friend has allergies pretty bad, too, would I do that for him?  Should I do that for him so this doesn’t seem weird?  Wait… is this going to seem weird?”

I started putting in a more concerted effort to go on actual dates and try to find a lady that I could try something serious with.  Those never really went well, mostly because of conversations falling flat, unreconcilable differences in views, or because a phone would come out for something obviously more important than meeting someone for the first time.

There was a while that I avoided her.  There was a while that, I think, she avoided me.  In both cases, when we started talking again the supposed offender had some seemingly legit reason for why they have been away and have acted distant.  Hers seemed pretty believable.  I don’t remember mine, but I remember that once it came out of my mouth, it sounded pretty bullshit.

We have been talking a lot, lately.  I’d say for the past few months we’ve talked almost every day.  Sometimes it’s a simple IM of “Hey, how are ya'” or “Got any cool weekend plans?”  Sometimes it’s more interesting content like views on things, shows we watch, podcasts we listen to, music sharing, etc.  Sometimes we catch each other in the hallways at work and stop to chat for a while.  Once we carpooled to and from a work lunch/outing for our department.  I had asked a few other people if they wanted to pool, but for one reason or another, noone else joined.  When we were dicking around at the event, having fun, I started really getting those feelings back for things about her that I started to realize were lacking from the women I had been trying to date.  On the ride back to work, we talked a little about weekend plans.  I told her about an injury my brother had and how I was worried about how his surgery to fix it would go.  It’s an odd quirk about me… I don’t like giving up that I’m worried to people.  Not even the people that I am worried for.  I don’t think I even expressed my worry about my brother’s surgery to him, chalk it up to wanting to keep a strong front for others.  But I let it slip to her.

Sometimes we both end up working late and one of us will stop by the other’s desk before leaving.  One Friday she left on time but I stayed late to work on an important project that I really wanted to wrap up that week.  She came back to work to help out someone else after what I understand to have been a frantic text or phone call.  On her way back out, she stopped by my desk and told me to go home.  She stuck around for a few minutes to talk about whatever, and I’m a little ashamed to write this, but she lit up my whole dreary day.  Earlier that day we were talking about exercise and health and I confessed that I had skipped my morning jog and that I shouldn’t have because I always feel good afterward, to which she agreed.  We made a virtual pinky-swear over gTalk that we would both go for a jog after work (though separately).  Back to when she popped by while I was working late, the conversation turned to how it was Friday and neither of us had any plans.  I feel like I might be reading too much into this, but I got a strong impression that she really wanted to hang out with me.  And I really, really wanted to hang out with her.  But I felt like such a scumbag even feeling it.  I made up some excuse and said if she was bored again the next Friday I would hang out with her.  I regretted saying that because, well, I really shouldn’t have.  Also, I find leaving open-ended plans to be bad form.  Even if the exact time and place aren’t established, give a framework if you are the one suggesting a hangout.  Anyway, she pressured me about not staying too late and I tried to brush her off with a bullshit answer of, “I just gotta wrap this up, I’ll get out of here in five minutes.”  As she gracefully breezed out the door, she made me promise that I would go home.  I turned back to my work, thinking nothing of it.  But at minute four, I realized she was right.  I have been in this situation before.  Busted my ass for a project, stayed late, made everyone else look good and received little to no recognition for it.  I have also stayed late and had other friends, coworkers, even a boss or two tell me to go home.  Each time I stayed and each time I finished what needed doing.  But not this time.  At minute five, I saved my work, logged out, and shut down my desktop.  I walked out the door and popped in the car headed for home, project left incomplete and an email or two left unanswered.  I went for that jog that I pinky swore over and when I got home, I felt great.  I actually slept alright that night, and I gotta tell ya’, I don’t sleep well most nights.  If at all.

When we started talking about real, actual, important things, I probably should have realized that I needed to step back.  I mean, we talked about family.  I gave up some deep, intimate knowledge about my family, some that I don’t generally tell anyone.  I talked about my father and how I love him, am proud of him, and worry about him (maybe a post for another time, but not now).  I don’t tell that to anyone, ever (accept all of you now, so… guess the cat’s out of the bag on that one).  She started reciprocating, but we were at work and a meeting was starting so like good school kids, we finished one more sentence and turned to the head of the class.  It was important information so I’m glad we stayed, but all I really wanted to do was ditch to the hallway and continue our conversation.  We talked about how many kids we wanted at some point.  I should not be talking to a woman that is in a relationship with another man about how many kids I want.  I’ve been craving to know more about her but I’ve also been feeling guilt over even having those conversations.  Over even having feelings for her at all.

There are more examples but I’m pretty sure I’ve painted a good enough picture to jump closer to present tense.  A few people in my life are aware of this.  They know how I feel about her and what I would want from her.  A handful of friends and family have encouraged me to go for it, though they typically at least have the tact to agree that now is not the time.  In all conversations about it, I am always the first person to say that it can’t be and for more than one reason, not the least of which being that she is currently in a relationship.  In that case, I frankly don’t have the right to even hint to her that I have feelings.  Plus, what happens when I do?  Either she tells me that she has a boyfriend and doesn’t share those feelings or she breaks up with him, I’m responsible for ruining a relationship, and some of my best friends hate me.  This is not a good plan.

Jump to this week.  I haven’t been able to shake my feelings for her.  I’m sure it isn’t helping that she keeps stopping by my desk and I keep tagging along with her to company meetings, in which we crack wise and voice concerns in each other’s ears and basically pass notes in class.  I took today off (it’s Friday when I’m writing this).  Earlier this week we had one of our standard check-ins and I found out she also has today off.  I asked if she had plans and told her that I didn’t.  I think I suggested that we hang out which, yeah, I probably shouldn’t have.  Thinking this is just some schoolboy crush (which it probably is), I proceeded to brush off an old bit of mine and tried to wash the feelings away with a good night video games and drinking.  I even cooked myself a rather nice steak, if I do say so myself (and I do).  And at the end of the night, the feelings were still there.  And I was determined that I was going to text her to hang out and I was going to tell her exactly how I feel.  And when I woke up in the morning, a little jacked up from the night before but definitely still harboring those feelings, I strapped on my stupid creepy toe shoes and prepared for a combination walk and jog.  As I strode out the door, a friend responded to a hint I made of my plan on twitter telling me, not in so many words, not to execute my plan.  Through the first half of that walk/jog, I texted the friend that warned me with what was going on in my head.  He had some very good points about why, exactly, what I was thinking and planning was not only a terrible idea but something that I absolutely cannot do.  I’ll paraphrase, as I don’t think what I have written about this so far really conveys the gravity of the situation, but his words do.

  • She has a long-term boyfriend
  • Her ex-husband is one of my best friends
  • She and her ex-husband are still friends
  • There was a shitty thing that happened between us that fucked up a lot of friendships and it was my fault and this would basically be me doing the same damned thing again
  • I’ll be losing at least three friends
  • I’m not her guy
  • She’s going to tell me to fuck-off anyway and for at least two very good reasons

*There’s a sticking point in this piece.  It’s not what happened that truly bothers me.  We might disagree on timing or some fine details – truth be told, I was being sold a different story from the woman in that triangle than I think was actually going on.  But we both agree that it was ultimately my fault (and should maybe be another blog post).  What bothers me is that I never should have created the situation in the first place and I really need to tell that to him.

What my helpful friend told me was right.  And it sucked knowing it.  So I picked up my pace to a full on run back in the direction of home.  It wasn’t a matter of urgency, but rather a matter of need for, I don’t know, some kind of meditation.  When I got through my front door, I did some light calisthenics and some light weight training as a way to keep the pseudo meditation going.  No, that’s not true.  I first sprinted to the bathroom because I had to piss like a racehorse.  Then I continued my pseudo meditation.  I took a long drink of water and sat down to revel in that weird high you get after a good workout and convince myself to feel smug for making a good decision, granted that the decision needed some help from a friend.  And then I cried.  A real, honest, “What is all of this and who the fuck am I really” cry.

I cried?  Really?  What the fuck is this?  There’s no crying in baseball!  What am I, a goddamned little girl?  No! I am a large, semi-muscular, adult, human male.  I am a fucking man, or at least do a pretty good job of acting like it most of the time!  I can’t fucking act like this!  Did I fall down and scrape my knee?  No!  I got talked down from doing something stupid, something that I should never have considered in the first place.  I am fucking 31 years of age, have a mortgage and car payment, and have been to fucking war.  I should not be crying in my bedroom because I don’t get to date the pretty girl.  What in the actual fuck is wrong with me?  Am I crying because I almost did something catastrophic and I didn’t have the wherewithal to know how bad it would be?  Am I crying because there are actual, real feelings there and I feel like I’m closing the door on something that could be good and worthwhile?  Or am I crying because I got a good goddamned look at myself in the mirror and see myself for monster that I really am?

Alright, let’s calm down and skip the pity party.  Let’s talk action.  Well.. lack of action, really.  I am not going to tell her how I feel.  I am not going to text her to hang out today.  I actually feel a little bad about that one, because if there is one legitimate thing here, it is that she is my friend and a damn good one, and I would really like to hang out with her.  She’s a good influence on me.  Plus, I don’t want to keep offering or suggesting to hang out and then never follow up, but let’s get back to what I’m not going to do.  I am not going to talk to her as much.  That really fucking sucks to say, and I kinda hurt from saying it.  It probably means I’ll have to stay signed out of gTalk, but I guess I could use fewer distractions at work anyway.  I am probably not going to go to lunch with her alone anymore (at least for a little while).  That also sucks, because I do really like going to lunch with her.

There are good things I can take away from this.  I get to keep my friends.  I won’t make (more) of an ass of myself.  This is going to sound jive, but having her as a friend has legitimately made me a better person.  Did I already say legitimately?  Like a dozen times?  I need an editor.  Anyway, I exercise more, I eat healthier, I drink less, and a portion of that (how big a portion I do not want to admit to) has been her popping in my head and reminding me that there are better options.  Through all of this, I have learned some important things about me.  I don’t want to cat around anymore.  I do want a family.  I have a much better idea of the kind of woman that would actually work for me and that I actually want.  And I can sometimes be a selfish monster.

I don’t know if I mentioned, but the relationship she is in right now is actually kind of rocky.  Part of my feelings are tied into that as well because she really is my friend and I want her to have something better.  And I’m not saying that guy is bad.  Actually, he seems kind of alright, except in a few places that I think she needs him to be.  So what does it mean if they break up and she becomes single?  I don’t know.  But going through the list of reasons why this is bad makes things a lot clearer and more easy to navigate.  I can’t pursue her even if she becomes single.  I know I might be reading too much into our friendship, but I really do think she shares at least some of these feelings.  If so, it’s possible that she might pursue me.  I don’t think I’ll have to worry about that one, though.  It seems highly unlikely as, I’m sure, if she does have any feelings than she has already gone down a similar list and has come to the same conclusion.  If the unlikely happens, it’s probably the easiest decision I can make, at least on paper.  If it break or hurts either of our important friendships, the answer absolutely has to be “no.”  And I haven’t talked to the one person it stands to hurt the most about it, I suppose because I don’t want to hurt him by even bringing it up.  I can never bring it up with him.  So I guess the other answer doesn’t even matter.

tl;dr – I have very strong feelings for a woman who is my friend, in my closest circle of friends, was married to one of my best friends, is currently in a longterm relationship with a decent guy, and I got pretty close to fucking it all up by telling her I have said feelings; a friend talked me off of that ledge; it really fucking sucks and honestly hurts; gotta man up and move on, other things are more important

Goddamnit, this sucks.  Where’d I put that bottle of hooch?

It’s late and I’m having trouble sleeping

This isn’t a new thing or whatever.  The whole having trouble sleeping thing, that is.  I don’t know how long it’s been a problem, but it’s been a good while.  I think I first noticed that I was frequently having trouble falling asleep when I lived in Germany, back when I was in the Air Force.  Ever since, I don’t think I’ve gone more than a few days without at least one sleepless or sleep-lite night.  I’m sure I do better when I’m on top of diet and exercise, don’t have heavy work stressors, etc.  All of the usual suspects.  Tonight I have some extra stuff on my mind.  Here’s what is at the top of that list.

There is a chick.

She is basically awesome.

She is sweet, smart, caring, all that jazz.  I don’t want to drone on about it and I’m sure you’re not excited to read a long list of why I dig someone so I’ll just put it this way – when it comes to the parts that matter, she’s got it covered.  I also think she digs me as much as I dig her.

She also already has a boyfriend.

I’m sure it’s a pretty common story.  The guy she is with is, or at least seems to be, a pretty alright guy.  He’s not abusive, he’s not a jerk (I think), and he’s not scummy.  He also doesn’t much seem to… I don’t know… care.  He openly says he doesn’t think she’s funny, he doesn’t make time for her, and it kind of seems like she is near the bottom of his list of priorities.  I’m pretty sure she wants to break up with him and has wanted to break up with him for a good while.  Hell, she’s actually said as much.  Take me out of the picture, I still think she really should break up with that dude.  Staying with him is, in my admittedly biased opinion, settling.

Settling is something I no longer understand.  I mean, I guess I get it to some degree.  Conscience doth make cowards of us all, right?  Knowing what she has or perceives she has now and comparing that stability to the utter unknown of being single is probably scary.  I don’t really know this fear because I have spent most of my life being single.  Most of my time when I wasn’t single, I was in long distance relationships and in some of those cases was still very much alone.  I have come to an understanding with life and relationships where I have been able to start stepping back and examining the actual situation.  I have before stayed in a relationship that really wasn’t great and I didn’t want to stay in but stayed in it anyway.  I stayed in it because I thought I needed it.  If I knew then what I know now, I would not have hesitated to walk away.  Bottom line, if the relationship isn’t actively good, you should at least consider walking away from it.  Don’t settle.

I know it’s easier to say from my standpoint in this whole situation.  I mean, I lose nothing and encounter no risk if she walks away.  Hell, I would stand to gain from it (at least I hope), but still.  Even if it isn’t for me but rather for some other guy, I don’t think she should settle.  He’s not a bad guy or anything, I just think she deserves better.  The fact that I would like to apply for that potential opening is inconsequential.  Well… yeah, whatever, I’m totally biased.  Fuck off, I’m allowed to have feeling, too.

tl;dr – I’m into an awesome chick but she’s not available.  Yep.  I don’t seem capable of doing things the easy way.

Oh, right, she also used to be married.

To one of my best friends.

So…

That might get a little weird for a little while.

I will probably be writing more about her in my next blog post, so consider this a warning if you’re not into reading about that sort of stuff.  In other words, if  you’re just here for the dick jokes and the sex talk, it’s gunna be a little longer before I post one of those.

Life-Assed-Life: 19 September 2013

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve given anything close to an update on this blog.  Hell, I haven’t even been Tumbl’n and just barely Tweeting.  I have previously referred to this as a “Quick Check-in”, but that’s pretty unrealistic given that these sometimes go for a good couple of pages… were you to print it… which… yeah, why would you?  Alright, whatever.  Here’s my dizzle as of lizzle:

Work:

  • I have never felt more confident in my work in my entire life.  I remember asking my Dad and my Grandpa once if I would ever “figure it out.”  I don’t remember their answers exactly, but I do remember them being pretty fucking awesome.  Their responses were something akin to Creedence Clearwater Revival’s increasingly relevant “Someday Never Comes“,  along the lines of “ask me in a few more years”, “I’m still working it out”, and “you never really do.”  I find this to be so very true, and yet, I have started feeling incredibly comfortable in what I am doing.  I now understand how some people can comfortably settle into a job that requires a completely different skillset.  It really is more about just being able to roll with it.  Do I have an answer to that person’s very immediate problem?  Nah.  But that’s okay.  Can I even give some guidance or direct them to where they might find it themselves?  Hmm… no, not really.  But that’s okay, too.  I don’t mind saying that I have no idea what the answer is, how to help, or even what the question is referring to, but that I’ll figure it out and have something soon.  It’s gotten to a point where I believe that my boss and boss’s boss both understand that if I say, “No, I don’t know or even understand, but I’ll figure it out” I actually do mean what I say and they can walk away with the same confidence that I feel.
  • I still don’t like the way that things worked out with the whole “me level” vs. “senior me level” and the loss of headcount.  HOWEVER, I have really been kicking ass lately.  Couple that with the above jam and yeah, I’m not worried.  I feel like I already am in a position to bargain.  Next year, when it is time for my performance review for this year, will be the latest that I do that.  I am currently feeling bold enough that I am considering doing that earlier, but with various other things in motion, I think I’d rather watch how everything else works out first.  When it comes time, if they don’t play, I am finally completely comfortable in my own abilities and marketing myself to just walk.  They actually do owe me this time.  If they can’t pay up/play game, they can go fuck themselves.  It will be their loss, not mine.
  • I have been training a “senior not-really-me” in our sister department to try to pick up my overflow and back me up when I need a vacation.  This is an alright consolation prize to what, honestly, everyone knows really should have happened – me becoming the “senior me” and us promoting one of our two best candidates already on the team to be the “junior me.”  In this case, there is someone that should be easily trained to become knowledgeable and accountable to back me up when I’m out and pick up my scraps when I can’t get to them.  However, my new “backup” really isn’t catching on.  She is way more concerned about the documentation and occasionally appears to try to assert herself as my boss.  She is not my boss.  I would never accept her as my boss, especially given how much she clearly wants to lord her knowledge and experience over others.  Knowledge and experience which, by the by, actually makes her sound like a fucking idiot.  Which brings me to the last part – I can’t tell if she is as smart as I have been led to believe she is or not.  She sometimes seems to be able to connect “A” to “C” without “B”, but there are other times when I completely map out the route, and she can’t even pull out of “A’s” driveway.  And then she rationalizes her failings like I’m the idiot that should have written a document that can somehow allow (metaphorically, if it isn’t obvious) a 4 year old to publish findings on Lagrange Points.

Home/health/personal:

  • My classic problems of clutter and stupid cleaning problems are mostly cleared up.  I have, however, found a new cleaning problem – I think my vacuum is no longer doing its job well enough.  I am almost certain that is didn’t actually pick anything up in my bedroom or living room the last couple of times I ran it.  I have been pining over getting one of those fancy Dyson vacuums for a while now and I think I’m at the point where I need to stop jawing and start grabbing.
  • My other classic problem of fighting my gut – I gained some, I lost some, I gained some, I lost some.  I am still below last year’s horrible starting point of 280-something.  I am above last year’s ending point of 240-something.  I am ramping up to make a more concerted effort and to not let the Winter of 2013 be as much of a slack-fest as the Winter of 2012.  I will probably start publishing my gut stats ’round the end of this month.
  • My fancy Jawbone Up has basically stopped working.  I’m talking to their support staff about it.  Here’s to hoping they can replace/repair the thing free of charge.  Aside from the fact that the thing weren’t cheap, the truth is that I actually like it.  It’s maybe not as magical as I would like it to be, but it at least hits my basic wants for such a device.
  • I went on a few more dates.  I was not all that into them.
  • I hooked up with that Yoga Girl once more.  This was a few months back.  She texted, came over, we got some kinda drunk, stuff happened.  Stuff happened in her butt which, for the first time ever, was by her request.  In retrospect, something about this seems off.  Like… it should have been more fun.  I don’t know, maybe I’m readin’ too much into it, but I feel like she wasn’t really into it.  But then, A) she reached out to me and B) offered before I asked.  Why would you do that if you weren’t super into it?  I suppose it really doesn’t matter.  I don’t see that deal going anywhere and have told her as much.  She agreed.  Maybe she was just trying to get closure?  Or maybe confirm that she totally really doesn’t like it “in the can”?  Don’t know, don’t really care.
  • There is actually a girl that I do care about.  I should probably make that my next post, because it is somewhat of a thang.  I don’t mean a “thang” in the sense that we are an item, more that what I am doing is worth noting and, were it a blogger that I was following, would probably be my the edge of my seat to read about.  The subtext – as a minimum, I am either a scumbag or a loser.  More to come!

Gaming:

  • Batmensch: Arkham Bigger Joint was pretty damned good.  Probably much better than the first.  I think I finished it.  I say that because I have heard it dumps you right back into the main world when you finished it, and I don’t recall seeing credits… but I’m pretty sure I have resolved the games conflict… I dunno.  I’d have a more definitive answer about it except that I can’t bring myself to play it anymore.  This has less to do with the game and more to do with the me.  I have found the “economy” of my gaming has changed a lot in the past few years.  I now have the money to buy all of the games that I want to, but I no longer have the time to play them all.  And that’s not just talking actually, you can look at it and track it, clock/calendar time.  I mean, I might be at work and have (effectively) nothing to do, but I still have shit to do that takes priority to picking up a new game.  I did finish “Saint’s Row IV”, though.  That ain’t a short game.  But I will probably never 100% that game.  As soon as I hit the credits, I was done.  I am actually apprehensive about booting it back up.  This has extended to something that I feel very weird about.  In the past, I would be all about, maybe even beg for more.  Sequels, expansions, extras, DLC.  Anything, just fucking give me more.  But now… fuck, dude, no.  There is a DLC joint for Mass Effect 3 (been out for a while) that sounds like it is soooo right up my ally, but I can’t even bring myself buy it because I don’t think I’ll even play that game again.  I already have bought a grip of DLC for Skyrim, and will probably never play it for the same reason.  I don’t know, man.  Back in the day, I would squeeze everything last drop out of every game.  These days, I think I just want a really good, really tight, well delivered game experience.  And when it’s done, it’s done.  Like a movie.
  • Also – Saint’s Row IV is probably not as good as Saint’s Row the 3rd, but I actually think I had more fun playing it.  It’s stupid.  Stupid in a way I can really get behind.

tl;dr – Work havings; stupidness in my life; gamin’ ain’t easy, playa

I should probably talk about that girl situation sooner than later.  It’s top of mind and I imagine that if one of the bloggers I follow were in this situation, I’d be way-the-fuck up their proverbial ass about it.

Kinda pissed off about my job situation

This is going to be a blog-assed-blog post, so if you’re just here for the filthy and/or funny stuff I write, you might want to skip this one.  If you’re into blog-assed-blog shit, settle on it.

Remember how I applied for a new position at work?  To recap if you didn’t:

In my team at work, we have six positions –

  • 3 people that do the core work
  • 1 person that coordinates daily team efforts and workload
  • 1 person that does higher-level core work and wild-assed-shit
  • 1 “senior” person that does higher-level core work and wild-assed-shit
  • 1 manager

I’m the person that does higher-level/wild-assed work.  The guy who used to be the “senior” wild-assed-shit worker got promoted to a manager of another team, and his position opened up and was posted to the jobs market.  A bunch of people applied, including myself.  I don’t really think that I’m overstating things, but really, I am the best choice to replace the previous “senior”.  It’s been a few months now and I’ve not only been doing all of my work, I’ve also taken on all of the “senior” work, and I’ve been kicking ass with it.  Naturally, I’m a shoe-in.  I’ll get the “senior” position and my position will get posted with a strong effort to replace me as quickly as possible to balance the workload back out.  Pretty simple, right?

Wrong.

So I guess they’re going to go with someone with more experience, right?

Also wrong.

Instead, someone in my chain-of-command has decided that my team is handling the workload SO well, that we don’t need a “senior” anymore.  Nope.  We don’t even need a second “junior”.  Nope.  Instead, good ol’ Aaron can keep doing all of the “junior” AND “senior” work, and receive zero recognition for it.  And I’m being told that it isn’t a bad thing.

Fuckin’ really?  This is, what, good?  The fuck how?

The truth is, I really like my job.  I am also really, really, fucking good at it, and that’s not hubris talking.  And right now, I feel fucking betrayed.  I feel like I’m overworked and undervalued and that, for all of my extra efforts, I have just had my most immediate chance for advancement stolen right from my grasp.  I am doing the “senior” work, I don’t want someone else to come in and take that work from me, and I really fucking need someone to help burden this load.  So now what?  I feel like it’s career suicide if I just stay here, so even though I love my job, I think I have to leave it.  I’ll never get respect here, so I gotta just go, right?

tl;dr – having some work problems because I did a great job, somehow; no good deed goes unpunished.

Oh fuck, can I even take a day off now?  I don’t think I fucking can!

My current worst habit

I’ve recently become aware that I’ve developed a really fucking bad habit – I eat my dinner way too late.  And man, let me tell ya’, I’m talkin’ late.

Last night’s dinner was healthy as fuck.  I had medium portion of pan roasted lake trout, some Spanish rice, and some yummy baby bok choy.  That’s right ladies, this dude can cook.  Fuckin’ swoon.  But I feel like I completely undermined the awesome balance of caloric and other nutritional values but eating it at 10:30 at night.  YES!  I ATE DINNER LAST NIGHT AT TEN-FUCKING-THIRTY IN THE PEE-EM!  The fuck is wrong with me?

It’s a really shitty habit and I should have been more aware of developing it, because this isn’t the first time – albeit possibly the worst example.  I have habitually been eating my dinner no earlier than 7:30 PM (which would probably be okay), and usually closer to 8:30 to 9 PM.  It’s really not healthy, for soooooo many fucking reasons.  If it doesn’t seem like a bad idea to you, fuckin’ google that shit.  If you don’t believe what you read, tell ya’ what – try it for a while.  Tell me about your waistline a few months in.

I have more to say on that, but I’m pretty sure I’m on a road to being late to work today, so… gunna wrap this up in a second.  All that I can really say is that I know how to fix this one, and that’s to fall back on the only positive trait of mine that I can really rely on – routine.  I just need to alter what has become my current routine to, if this makes any sense, “stack the deck” of my tasks and dicking-around-times such that eating my dinner (and cooking it in most cases) takes place right when I get home from work, not after dicking around or whatever for a few hours.

tl;dr – I’ve developed a shitty habit of eating way the fuck to late at night and now have to correct that shit.

Also, I need to eat more fruit.

OH SHIT!  This is a Thursday post!  It’s supposed to be dirty, ’cause of the thing I used to do on the regular… uh… uh… Handjobs, tittyfuck, buttsecks!  Is that better?  Yeah?  Fuck!  I’ll try to make it up next week.

Quick Check-in – 07/16/2013

I’ve been 31 years old for a month now.  Not sure if that matters or not, I’m just lettin’ you know.

Remember when I used to update this thing like three times a week?  And that brief period that I was updating it like… every day?  Yeah, I had a lot of free time on my hands.  Or, I don’t know, slightly less “give-a-fuck” in me.  Alrighty, let’s do this shit Old School:

Work:

  • I am now so busy at work that I have no choice but to perform a sort of “task triage” every single day – I have these 30 tasks I need to get done at some point.  I have time for five.  These two need to be done today, so now to pick from the list what does and doesn’t get done.
  • So basically, the team I work in is supposed to have two people in my position – one senior and one junior (they don’t call it a junior, that’s just to make it easier to talk about).  I’m in the junior position and the guy that was in the senior position moved to manage another team.  So now there is just me, the junior, doing both jobs of the junior and the senior.  We are looking to hire a second person, but the spot is for the senior position.  If I want it, which I do, I have to apply for it, which I have.  I also have to interview and etc., which hasn’t happened yet.  It’s been long enough that I’m starting to both feel the pressure of having to shoulder all of the burden as well as feel somewhat insulted that my bosses haven’t just said, “Fuck it, you’re the new senior guy, let’s start looking for a new junior guy and let’s try to be quick about it.”  I feel like I’ve talked about this before… did I?  Fuck, I’m boring.

Home/health/personal:

  • I’m having trouble keeping on top of clutter in a few rooms… but I think I’ve got an idea on how to handle that.
  • I picked up one of those obsessive fitness monitor gadget off of a suggestion from my brother.  It’s a Jawbone Up.  I’ve only had it a few days, and I’ve been slightly too forgetful to make the best use of it.  Even with that, I think I can say I like it.
  • Still haven’t gotten to the eye or dental exams, but I did make it to a physical.  Same as it always is – I need to lose some weight and blah blah blah.
  • I went on a few dates.  I was not all that into them.
  • did knock some boots with a pretty lady I met on the internet.  She was down for some dirty-dirty, which was nice.
  • Kind of bummed out over the loss of Ryan Davis.  He’s not a personal friend or anything, but he is probably the closest that I have ever been to feeling a real impact from the loss of a celebrity.  Also, I get the feeling that were he to hear such a thing, he would probably tell the person saying it to shut the fuck up with that bullshit.

Gaming:

  • Picked up the latest Batmensch game.  It’s been out for a good while, but I really didn’t have time to play it before.  It dropped down to $16 for the “Game of the Year” edition on Amazon, so… yeah.
  • Participating in the summer Steam sale.  I picked up 8 games for the price of one, and the sale is still going on.  I need to stay away from that place, yo’, lest I pick up way too many games to ever actually play.

tl;dr – I’m a boring working stiff with a fancy bracelet and video games.  Also, “Fuck, Ryan Davis” (the comma placement is pretty important).

Today is Taco Tuesday.  I must pick up salsa on the way home from work.

Quick check in 06-14-2013

It’s been about a week since I’ve last checked in and now is as good a time as any, so here goes.  I had a really good Wednesday this past week.  A handful of my friends and I took the day (or at least half-day) off to go fuck around like we did when we were teens… except with the power of being adults.  We went to a local gun store/range that lets you rent handguns and range time.  We fired off four different weapons, but I didn’t bother committing their names to memory.  Two were semiautomatic and two were revolvers.  One semiauto was 9mm, one was .38 caliber.  The 9mm felt almost exactly like the Beretta M9 that I was issued as a sidearm while I was in the Air Force, which felt a little surreal.  The .38 didn’t feel much different, to be honest.  I was expecting a lot more kick.  The same goes for the revolvers, one of which was also a .38, the other was a .22.  I remember firing a .38 revolver while I was in Iraq (it’s complicated), and it had a whole lot more kick than this one.  Still, the .38 revolver did have enough kick and weapon heft to make me feel all “Fistful of Dollars” all up in that bitch… though I think the movie gun may have been a .45… whatever, don’t judge me.

I have fired a .45 revolver in my life.  Also a .50 cal Desert Eagle.  Being a man who respects tools and machines for what they are, I find weapons very fascinating.  I don’t own any and may never, but don’t have a problem with those who do, even if their reason for owning is just, “Man, they’re cool”.  Firing a .45 revolver feels awesome.  However, at least for me, firing the Desert Eagle is terrifying.  But then, handguns were never really my thing.  Rifles and carbines have always been more my style.  I’m surgical with an M4 (or at least used to be), and have recently had a strong interest in picking up an M14.  Not sure why.

After the range, we went to race go karts.  To be completely honest, that was my favorite part.  We raced three times and I came last in every race (but never in bed! ZING!).  Losing didn’t matter.  Getting up to speed, feeling the road (or… warehouse concrete, really), and challenging friends and hairpin corners alike was what mattered, and it was invigorating.  I’d do either again in a heartbeat, but if I were choosing between the two, I’d pick racing 10 out of 10 times.  To bring up recent strong interests again, I’ve also been thinking of checking out getting a shitty car I can mod and race at track days.  Don’t think I’ll be following through with that anytime soon, but… it’s there.

This weekend, I had originally planned on heading out of town.  I was thinking I’d hit the road right after work on Friday (today) and just kinda go… somewhere.  Nothing for the price/timeframe really caught my eye, especially just going solo.  If I’m going to solo something, I think it would be a return to Europe or East Asia, parts of each being fantastic whether with a group or on your own.  But that’s for another time, what’s important is that my weekend plans have changed.  I still plan to get out of town for a while, though I don’t anticipate any overnights.  My current primary traits of busy, lazy, and organized are at odds with each other and I need to rectify that as soon as possible.  So what I think I’ll do is head out tomorrow morning bright and early for some bow target practice, come home to start cleaning up my place, and then maybe drive out to a campsite that I’d like to scout for a potential trip later this summer.  Then Sunday, I’ll wrap up whatever cleaning/organizing is left to do in my place.  Man.  Exciting.  Maybe I’ll go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond.  Or Home Depot.  I don’t know, right!?!  There’s so much to do!

tl;dr – I think I just realized that I am the definition of lame

Well… fuck.  That ruins my self image a little.

Dirty Talk Thursday – The Return

This is going to be a little shorter than most Dirty Talk Thursday posts, but I gotta get back into the swing of regular posting again. Plus, I want to do more than just tease future posts with vague assed, “hey, there’s gunna be a thing!” threats. So today, I’m going to share some quick notes on another crossing of two of my major traits – 1) Big ol’ Nerd & 2) Big ol’ Perv.

I’ve been compiling sex stats again.

Yes.

There will be another sweet-assed-chart.

Once again, the chart isn’t exactly going to be Scientific. On the other hand, at least this time I have a bit more data to cross reference. The data I have been collecting has been all about hooking up, what goes into making a hookup happen, and the information that I have observed that women want before hooking up.

It may be a while before that goes up, though, for two major reasons. The first is sample size. I need more instances to feel good about statistically declaring that, “So… this is a thing.” This has so far involved me going through as many of my previous attempts at hookups, successful and otherwise, as possible and doing some data entry. Emails, gChats, AOL IMs, onlinebootycall.com messages, match.com things, etc. That won’t be enough data, either, so I’ve also started just tossing out hookup invites/emails/craigslistings just to get more info, even though I’m in kind of a weird place right now and don’t think I’d act on any hits, if we’re just going to be clinical and call them that. and yeah, I’ll pro’lly get around to talking about that weird place I’m in another time. just not now.

I’m going through all of the hookup attempts, pulling all of the relevant info that I can, and plugging it all into a fairly robust spreadsheet. It’s robust enough that I may need to brush up on pivot tables again. I’m even trying to include stats on when something I said or did probably influenced what she said or did and would skew results. For instance, one of the stats is whether or not the girl asked me about any specific sex acts. I think it would be interesting to know how common that happens, but I think it is a more interesting stat if it was asking independently of influence. So if she asks me if I like reverse cowgirl, that gets tallied. But if she asked that following me asking her if she likes giving handjobs, that also gets tallied and would count against her answer in this instance in a weighted statistic. If she wants to know how I feel about “tango foxtrot” but I first asked her if she had any fetishes, same deal. But if we’ve only done the basic intros and preliminary planning and she’s all, “So my last boyfriend was really into anal, which is weird… I mean, unless you’re into it… I mean we could give it a… Just for fun..?” That counts.

I’ll get more into the details of the data I’m collecting when I actually out the results out there. Maybe I’ll drop some thoughts as I get closet to that happening in the mean time. The other thing that will take time is actually going through my data, plotting it, and seeing if I can pull some trends or whatever. To me, the raw data is very interesting. However, the most interesting parts come from the trending, comparisons, and extrapolations.

On that note, I actually already have a trend that I feel fairly comfortable sharing. You know how damn near every study about female sexual preferences and attraction ever always say that cock size doesn’t matter? Well, I’m pretty sure they are all full of shit. Up to this point with over 200 instances (and no, I have not hooked up with even a fraction of those instances), far and away the most frequently, uninfluenced, not-prompted questions that I get asked are direct inquiries about the size of my Johnson. I get asked that so often and from so many different types of women that if it doesn’t matter, than I don’t understand things.

That being said, I wouldn’t say that they are looking for the giant trouser snakes that every porno and frat guy would have us believe we need to have. Hell, some even seem to prefer smaller than the (probably also bullshit) self-reported average of six to seven inches. But I don’t think there is a trend towards a specific size. In fact, I think most end up resulting in wanting a picture of the thing. Which, by the way, sending a dick pic… Pretty weird sensation.

Like I said, we’ll see what the final results are. That one just stuck out to me. Probably because even though I am now completely comfortable with my own “fun sized” package these days, I seem to unwittingly be amount the huge statistic of men that are obsessed with the dimensions of their own disaster area. Yeah. And you chicks thought you had body image problems. Ours could actually result in functional issues.

tl;dr – Dirty Talk Thursday is back; I’m collecting a big pile of sex stats; broads totally care about cock size… I think.

Oh, and another thing – not a lot of single women live alone, according to my stats. I’d like to cross that with some census info to see if I maybe the type of women I’m encountering are relatively unique and thus skewing results no matter what.

Quick Update 6/4/2013

It’s been too long since I last updated this shit.  As always, I have a lot to talk about but not enough time to tell it.  I’d feel sorry about it except I don’t.  Oh, I don’t know, maybe a bit.  Mostly selfishly.  I mean, when I update on a regular, a lot more people come to my stupid blog.  A much smaller percentage of you are bots when I keep to the schedule and have regular updates.  So yeah, it is kind of a bummer when I don’t update.  But… it’s free… and it’s really about my life, so… fuck off.

So here’s what’s going on with me.  It’s Tuesday morning.  I’m in my boxers, eating a salad for breakfast – yes, a salad – and I’m trying to convince myself to wrap this up as quickly as possible so I can go lift weights.  I don’t really want to lift weights, but know that I need to.  I’m back on my weight loss initiative that went awesome last year but has been dragging this year.  That’s why the salad for breakfast.  That’s why the need to lift.  Running has, oddly, become my favorite exercise.  Actually, re-become my favorite.  Long story short, I was in the military back in the day and I would unwind by going for a pretty long run, especially on weekends.  Then I left the military and got really fat and blah blah now I’m 30 so everything is difficult and parts hurt.  Lifting was briefly my favorite exercise.  Now I’m less into it (’cause of the thing where parts hurt), but lifting is a really great fat burner, so… I need to buck up and just do it.

But whatever, we have plenty of time for me to bitch about my weight.  I’m a fat guy at heart, so even if I do get my military body back and have some semblance of abs again, I will always struggle with my weight.  I should make that a weekly feature – “Today is Tuesday, and I’m going to whinge on about my moobs…”

What else has been going on with me…?  It’s odd, there are times when I feel like I’m so busy I can barely take a moment to rest.  Other times, I feel like I have so much free time that I’m almost overwhelmed.  That’s kind of stupid, right?  I’ve almost completely tackled this phenomenon at work.  I clearly have too much work to get done in the allotted time, to the point where I take work home and sometimes pop into the office on the weekend, but I never feel overwhelmed about it.  I’ve figured out how to balance it all pretty well, and I’m starting to realize that sometimes you just have to say “no” to new tasks.  Sometimes you can’t just say no, but you at least can say, “Hey, no really, I already have A, B, and C on my plate and won’t be able to finish those early, so if you add X, Y, and Z, then you and I need to prioritize these and pick which you really need done.”  I get stuff done and do a good job with it.

At home, I haven’t quite figured this out.  Part of the problem is that, on weekends, if I’m not out with friends or family I pretty much just check out of society.  I just chill out, either home or around town, and effectively do jack all.  Week nights, I’m either worn out or wound up, and I find myself wasting time just trying to take a load off.  It’s always been tough for me to balance my home life, but man… I’m too old for that.  I don’t know, I’m rambling and I really need to go to work.  Guess I’ll see if I can convince myself to lift when I get back home.

tl;dr – Salad for breakfast, work is busy but good, and I’m no good at “off time”

Yo’, have I ever got a story about some dumb shit I did last month.  If I can convince myself to take the time, I’ll be sure to put it down here.