It’s late and I’m having trouble sleeping

This isn’t a new thing or whatever.  The whole having trouble sleeping thing, that is.  I don’t know how long it’s been a problem, but it’s been a good while.  I think I first noticed that I was frequently having trouble falling asleep when I lived in Germany, back when I was in the Air Force.  Ever since, I don’t think I’ve gone more than a few days without at least one sleepless or sleep-lite night.  I’m sure I do better when I’m on top of diet and exercise, don’t have heavy work stressors, etc.  All of the usual suspects.  Tonight I have some extra stuff on my mind.  Here’s what is at the top of that list.

There is a chick.

She is basically awesome.

She is sweet, smart, caring, all that jazz.  I don’t want to drone on about it and I’m sure you’re not excited to read a long list of why I dig someone so I’ll just put it this way – when it comes to the parts that matter, she’s got it covered.  I also think she digs me as much as I dig her.

She also already has a boyfriend.

I’m sure it’s a pretty common story.  The guy she is with is, or at least seems to be, a pretty alright guy.  He’s not abusive, he’s not a jerk (I think), and he’s not scummy.  He also doesn’t much seem to… I don’t know… care.  He openly says he doesn’t think she’s funny, he doesn’t make time for her, and it kind of seems like she is near the bottom of his list of priorities.  I’m pretty sure she wants to break up with him and has wanted to break up with him for a good while.  Hell, she’s actually said as much.  Take me out of the picture, I still think she really should break up with that dude.  Staying with him is, in my admittedly biased opinion, settling.

Settling is something I no longer understand.  I mean, I guess I get it to some degree.  Conscience doth make cowards of us all, right?  Knowing what she has or perceives she has now and comparing that stability to the utter unknown of being single is probably scary.  I don’t really know this fear because I have spent most of my life being single.  Most of my time when I wasn’t single, I was in long distance relationships and in some of those cases was still very much alone.  I have come to an understanding with life and relationships where I have been able to start stepping back and examining the actual situation.  I have before stayed in a relationship that really wasn’t great and I didn’t want to stay in but stayed in it anyway.  I stayed in it because I thought I needed it.  If I knew then what I know now, I would not have hesitated to walk away.  Bottom line, if the relationship isn’t actively good, you should at least consider walking away from it.  Don’t settle.

I know it’s easier to say from my standpoint in this whole situation.  I mean, I lose nothing and encounter no risk if she walks away.  Hell, I would stand to gain from it (at least I hope), but still.  Even if it isn’t for me but rather for some other guy, I don’t think she should settle.  He’s not a bad guy or anything, I just think she deserves better.  The fact that I would like to apply for that potential opening is inconsequential.  Well… yeah, whatever, I’m totally biased.  Fuck off, I’m allowed to have feeling, too.

tl;dr – I’m into an awesome chick but she’s not available.  Yep.  I don’t seem capable of doing things the easy way.

Oh, right, she also used to be married.

To one of my best friends.

So…

That might get a little weird for a little while.

I will probably be writing more about her in my next blog post, so consider this a warning if you’re not into reading about that sort of stuff.  In other words, if  you’re just here for the dick jokes and the sex talk, it’s gunna be a little longer before I post one of those.