So last week, I stated that I had stumbled upon some porns that I just happened to have saved some time ago. I’m still not sure what that means I should think about myself or at least my former self, but… whatever. I had committed to this idea that I would watch the porns, all the way through, and report back on my findings.
I have not done that yet.
I did, however, watch a good bit of one of them. This was a porn DVD that I received as a free add-on with an order from my go-to sex-item store, adameve.com (totally not safe for work, why would you ever for a second think that an online sex store would be even remotely safe for work, you crazy person?). The name of the porn is “Naughty Amateurs” and the company name is “Combat Zone”. I don’t know why the company is named that. I fucking don’t. I’m sorry. The DVD starts with an unskippable “story” of what the “Combat Zone” is, but it was so stupid that my brain refused to accept it. I JUST tried to re-watch it in the middle of writing this and guess what? I can’t even kind of remember what was said. I know it was shitty enough to immediately jettison from my brain, so consider that my review of the intro.
The company has a website – www.combatzone.us (c’mon… why wouldn’t that be NSFW?). I don’t know the company itself and admittedly haven’t researched it, but everything I can see on its face is exactly what I hate about porn, and I am a man that loves porn. Instead of having some real-assed woman knockin’ boots with some real-assed men in some real-assed fashion, they have these incredibly fake looking chicks getting nailed by gross looking dudes that – I guess? – we’re supposed to be impressed by. Every individual that appears on screen looks like a horrible person, either because they are completely plastic and fake or because they look absolutely sickening. It’s as if I can sense through the images they have some appreciable odor, some smell that hangs in the air around them, like stale sweat mixed with cheap perfume and Axe body spray.
The men remind me of my favorite porno whipping post, Evan Stone, cast for these hi-production porn videos and yet look horrible. Big, giant, doofy-Joker faces. Nasty-trailer-wrestler hair. Constant gross sweaty-ness that I suspect is not equally combated by showers. The constant look of “If I wasn’t in porn, I would be raping” on their faces. They look like they aren’t even bothered enough to wash their hands or wipe their asses. I find it impossible to smirk off with them in frame, or with the thought that they are present.
But instead of continuing to bash a company that I’m unfairly judging entirely on DVD covers and names, let’s get back to the video at hand (heh). I just want to put this out there – Guy-Guy-Girl threesomes are in this video. If you like those, fine. I don’t, and they seem to be in every goddamn video I come across. I have never and don’t believe that I will ever have a desire to engage in a sexual encounter where more than two-thirds of the people involved are male. I’m not saying that I would never participate – if the sudden chance of bumping uglies with the most beautiful woman in the world presents itself while on a trip to Sao Paulo but she’s not into it unless my male travel companion joins in – guess what? We’re probably going to high-five mid-coitus. Yes. That will happen. And I will speak of it for years. Unless I marry her, in which case, I will completely ditch that friend, deny the act ever happened, and never look him in the eye anytime we encounter each other at a social function, because that is a steadfast rule of The Social Contract.
Side note: That maneuver if you’re wondering, is commonly referred to as “The Eiffel Tower” or “London Bridge”. I don’t know why those cities were honored (or dishonored) with that title. It would seem that New York and San Francisco have perfectly fine landmarks to replicate the image of a lady arched between two gentlemen, but whatever. I’m happy our proud landmarks are not euphemisms for sex acts that I, massive pervert that I am, do not fully approve of.
To put a finer point on it – yes, I would absolutely join in on group sex where men outnumbered women, but only if it was worth it to me and it is not something I go looking for or fantasizing about. In fact, at this point, I would rather have only one-on-one encounters than even have even a female-heavy orgy. I kinda just want to focus on that lady that I’m messin’ with, and I really don’t want any distractions because I want to learn and read her bits and pieces and figure out how to treat them correctly, instead of doing a halfassed job on multiple lady’s labia. And I absolutely do not want to share the experience with some other dude. I kinda don’t fuckin’ get it. Unless you’re going buck-wild and all Caligula for a night, why the shit would you want to invite another person into your deal? Why would you want anyone but the one other person that you want to do some fooly cooly with? Did I just accidentally make a point? The fuck is going on here?
Oh, and sorry that was extremely accusatory. Believe me, there have been times where I was way into the idea of multiple sex partners at the same time. I have been in such situations where such things have happened. I’m not saying you are horrible if you like it. I’m just saying that I no longer understand that fantasy and maybe never did.
But back to the video – it’s not very good. Two out of five stars, if I’m being generous.
tl;dr – No thanks on threesomes, especially if two-out-of-three are dudes, and why would you watch porn of that? And man, I bet that room stinks.
Listen – my research is going poorly because all I keep coming across is self reported and I strongly believe that self reported data in the world of sexuality is complete and total bullshit. It is really starting to piss me off, so I don’t know… I might pay some money to join some research things. Idunno. We’ll see what happens.