Dirty Talk Thursday – What’s up with that?

I like weird chicks…

I’m going to start off with something a less dirty so skip to the next bold section if you ain’t havin’ it. Yesterday, I had a pretty deep revelation about myself. Well… it’s not that deep. In fact, I think you’re going to think it rather shallow of me. Sorry ’bout that. Wait, why am I apologizing about this? Fuck you. Stop thinking I’m shallow!

Sorry, that was silly. Let’s get back into it. Here’s what I figured out about myself. I like weird chicks. I said that above. In the title. I’m repeating myself. Go ahead and fuck [insert dramatic pause] your [more pausing] self.

It’s not that I like weird looking chicks, though I suppose there are chicks that people would find weird that I dig on. It’s not that I like crazily eccentric ladies, although I guess… yeah, sometimes that too. It’s more about attitude, which makes describing this more difficult. After all, certain types of weird are no good. Gets oddly super-attached right away = No good. Talks to ghosts = No good. Is really into scat and not in the sense of jazz music jibberish = Extremely no good. On the other hand, there are things that I think other guys would file under “No good” that I would put in my “Yeah, I can dig that” cabinet. I had an example yesterday that I have sense forgotten, which is a real bummer because I am finding it goddamned impossible to describe this right now. Fuck it. I’ll come back to it another time. Let’s move on.

Here’s a fetish that I don’t get:

Public Masturbation.

This may come as a surprise to you, but listen folks – I’ve been around the Internet a bit. I grew up with it, and I mean that in a sense that it and I were maturing alongside each other. Anyone from my generation could claim the same, although many didn’t really Interact with it until more recently. To many people my generation, the Internet was just a thing for nerds and perverts until maybe a few years ago. If you grew up like I did, the Internet was in the household early and was largely viewed as it was actually intended. It was viewed as a tool. It was a way to connect people, places, and ideas. It was a new form of communication which carried many sub-forms within itself. There wasn’t much of a World Wide Web back then and the vast majority of what we consider the Internet these days just didn’t exist. It was even possible and it is likely that no one could possibly envision the incredible mass it has become today.

But one thing about the Internet has remained a constant. It doesn’t matter how many church ladies pop on Facebook share their neighborhood-famous casserole recipe. It doesn’t matter how many celebrities Tweet endorsements. It doesn’t matter if your stupid Internet Radio has to be downloaded from a BBS or if your even stupider Podcast streams right off of your iPod. It doesn’t matter how many frill we dress the beast up with, the Internet will always have its dark alleys dripping with awful and piled high with filth. The Internet is a wretched hive of scum and villainy.

And it always has been.

And it always will be.

Because it’s full of people, and people are full of that awful and that filth, and they will always find that alleyway. They will buy the bar under the stairs where no one ever looks and after the neighbors forget that new people moved in, that bar under the stairs will start to fill with that scum and villainy every single night until one day someone to fucked up even for that bar fucks it for everyone. The bar closes. The owners disappear  A few months later, in a new neighborhood, under some other stairs, a new bar pops up. On the Internet, most of these bars never close. Most never have to move, and even those that do tend to pop back up a lot quicker, so every single bit of our society’s filth finds itself out there. Exposed. Often with no cover charge. The notion that this filth doesn’t exist without the Internet is preposterous. One only needs to look at a few of our darker bits of history and you’ll see, there have always been fucked up people. The idea that the Internet is encouraging more of it? I don’t  know, there might be some truth to that. But the concept that the Internet is shining light on those dark alleys is, I think, obviously true.

Oddly enough, I had always thought that public masturbation only took place in dark alleys. After a stumble into an unfamiliar alleyway of a fairly mainstream porn site and a brief look around, I’m starting to see that it doesn’t. Sometimes it takes place in cars. Sometimes in the woods. Sometimes under bridges. Okay, sure. Not my digs, but I can see how that could happen. Sometimes sex happens in those places. None of us should be surprised by that. But what if that car is in a crowded mall parking lot and the jacker has left his door ajar? I don’t know about you, but that surprises me a bit. That a guy would record himself openly beating off on a bus and taking care to frame up both his crank and the chick next to him awkwardly trying to pretend like this crazy shit isn’t taking place right next to her surprises me a bit. Dudes whackin’ it in a grocery store surprises me a bit and, yeah, grosses me the fuck out. There ain’t a lot out there that grosses me out, but the thought that some grubby looking shitbag could be tossing around his own pigskin around the produce that I might pick up grosses me the fuck out.

And here’s another fetish that I don’t get:

“Dogging”. Before I continue, I should say that if you haven’t heard of it, no it isn’t as bad as it could be. This isn’t bestiality (which I extra don’t get but really don’t think that we need to devote blog space to it). There are a few surprisingly succinct explanations of this phenomenon on Urban Dictionary, but I’ll summarize: People meet up in a public place (usually a park) to have lots of probably gross sex. I say it like that for two reasons. First off, I have never seen an attractive person participating. Secondly, it almost always seems to involve droves upon droves of gnarly looking dudes getting jacked off by horrid looking broads into a car. No, there are not any typos in “into a car”. Sometimes clothed, sometimes not, one woman sits in a car and waits for a man to walk up to the open window, undo his pants, and get what looks like an unpleasant handjob until he shoots his load all over the woman and the upholstery, no rinse but do repeat, all while some scumbag videos it from the driver’s seat.

To be fair, I have never participated in this. I don’t think I ever will, either, because from my perspective it seems kinda horrific. If this leaves thinking of me as rather vanilla, please allow me to refer you to my sweet-assed sex chart (update coming soon!) so you can understand where I’m coming from. But having never done the act nor been present while the act is taking place, I get that there may be much more to it. I get that anonymous sex can be fun. I get that some people are really into multiple sex partners or being among a crowd of sex partners for one person. I get that. But just about all of those things gross me out a little on their own and combining them together and adding seedy looking guys in poorly lit parks really just skeeves me the fuck out. Enjoy that new word.

And here’s a third fetish that I don’t get:

Wrestling sex.

No wait…

Actually, I do get that one.

tl;dr – Weird can be good; if you jack in public please stop; “dogging” sounds like a “Saw” sequel to me; ain’t nothin’ wrong with a lil’ wrasslin’

Yeah. Yeah, I could go for some of that right now. Yeah, if I could find a weird chick that likes to wrestle in bed…