So… this is awkward…

“Um… hey, how would you like to test out some personal lubricants with me?  No, I don’t mean for your personal car…”

I have a number of things that I have been wanting to test out.  Here’s the deal, most of them require a dance partner, of a sort.  Some of which will likely require multiple uses.  Some of which I have never tested before, some I have but not enough to really judge, others I have tested ad nauseum but require data from the female perspective.  Here are a few examples:

  • Cockring – I have never used one.  I want to be able to share the experience and to have a women who shares it with me be willing to talk about her side of it.
  • Lubes.  I have used a number of them.  I have a personal favorite, but only for buttsecks, and… honestly, the feedback that I have received on it has been varied.  I love da butt, but how much I get off by getting a woman off is… yeah, it’s better.  Call me crazy.  Here’s the point: I want to try them all.  Every one of them, though only for what they are suggested for while avoiding those with known issues.  Stick around while I endorse someone who knows nothing about me or you.
  • Positions.  Not really basic concepts as I already know what I like and don’t and that things can and probably change for me in the years going forward.  Your mileage may vary.  More specifically, I want to know if there is some significant difference in the way that certain positions feel.  Hold onto your, “This dude’s a fraud” hats for a second – the simple answer is very clearly, “Yes”.  But if we’re already side-by-side, does it feel better if your leg is under my leg, over my leg, over my hip, or even over my ribs and under my arm while I grip your thigh?  In so much else in life, teeny tiny adjustments make huge differences.  As I have said before and truly believe – in the bed, everyone is different.  That being said, I’ll bet there is some manner of rhyme or reason to figuring each other out.
  • More.  I don’t want to tip my hand one way or the other, but know upfront that there are things that I will never test.  Things that I find immoral, abhorrent  or otherwise just fuckin’ gross.  Want a better look into the possibilities of my bedroom?  Check out this complicated post about this sweet-assed chart that I made about my Bedtime Funtime (TM) (Bedtime Funtime is subject to participation and cannot be combined with other coupons, deals, or incentives).  I should also say that things have been changing as I have been getting in shape.  There are parts of ladies that I would like to touch more.  There are parts of me that I would like the ladies to touch more.  If I get deeper into the dirty, I’ll start tracking data again and update the chart.

Unfortunately, it’s not exactly an easy subject to broach.  “Hey, could you keep in mind what you think of these products while we’re foolin’ around and fill out this survey after we’re finished?  I can… um… make you a sandwich while you fill it out?”

Here’s a quick “Hey, here’s some actual help”.  After some pretty good research and some pretty lazy googling, I actually found something worthwhile on the subject.  An article called “Keeping It Wet: A Smart Shopper’s Guide to Lube” has intrigued me.  The author, who identifies herself as Midori, has some pretty good information.  I don’t agree with everything but I super-dig her style and really don’t think this article will steer you wrong.  Especially when you keep in mind her thoughts about it being deeply personal and how what works for one person may not work for another.  I think the fact that it takes a pair to make it work only increases the variables.

As far as finding this testing pal, I haven’t really tried but once and… while I think I had a bite, the truth is that I’ll likely never know because my honest reason for delaying the tests (I caught a cold) was mistaken for a brush-off.  Bummer.  I haven’t tried since because I’ve been getting over this damned never-ending cold and also, maybe… just maybe, some feelings.  I’m getting back to searching out a partner for this but… to be frank, I’m not trying all that hard.  I may have to stick with exploring existing data and relaying hearsay, personal stories, and colloquialisms in the meantime.  This has lead me to nearly solidify a desired attitude from any potential long-term partners: She’s gotta be down for all manner of fun in the bedroom.  Also, we need to be (at least mostly) on the same page of what “bedroom fun” consists of.

tl;dr – If you’re into it, and I’m into it, let’s get into it.  And fill out this ScanTron while you’re at it, please?

To clarify, I have only once made a sandwich for a lady.  For ladies that I have considered dating I have made breakfast.  Not to be down on my bedroom abilities but rather acknowledge things that I have learned about the ladies – I think that they have been more inclined for repeat visits over my breakfasts than my buttsecks.  I don’t know, ya’lls.  Just the way of things, I suppose.