I’m having a feelings and I don’t like it.

I think that either that fucked up broad Mother Nature is catching up with me or I’m starting to soften.  This is happening in two ways.  The first can basically be summed up as I know longer hate children.

I should clarify that so that you know exactly what I mean.  I used to hate children.  I mean fucking hate children.  And why shouldn’t I have?  They are noisy, messy, dirty, annoying, cruel, stupid, thoughtless, aimless, dickheaded bundles of self importance without self awareness and lots and lots and lots of germs.  Everything is all about them all the time and all of society has to bend over backwards for children and parents.  Don’t have kids?  Don’t want kids?  Too fucking bad.  You’re here and you have to give everything you got to help them.  Fuckoff if you even suggest the idea of a place that children aren’t allowed.  This last bit was just salt in the wound.

I don’t really feel this anymore.  I mean, I still feel the part about some parents thinking that every place ever needs to not only allow children but also be child friendly.  Before I move on, I’m just going to say this – you’re wrong.  Children don’t belong everywhere.  I understand that almost all of America’s restaurants have converted to cater to children first, and by extension the parents who won’t buck up enough to tell their kids to shut the fuck up and eat what they’ve been given.  So now all the food at these shitbox family restaurants is overly sweetened, smothered and covered in grease and cheese, and… ffff…. not my point today. For another time.  My point is this: only that one part – the part where I am still annoyed by how society has elevated children and parents to sainthood and that this attitude is ruining what it means to be an adult – is still the same as it used to be.  Pretty much everything else has changed in some way.  For instance, I no longer find babies horribly hideous and scary.  I do, kinda, find them cute.  Sort of like puppies.  Although I probably still find puppies more adorable, but I haven’t thought about it all that deeply.  Although there is an age that this cuteness cuts off and they enter right back into my sheer, unchanging hatred of them.  I don’t have an actual age to apply to them, but it’s somewhere in their tweens, I assume.  Right around there they turn right back into total shitheads that I want dead, right up until somewhere in their early-to-mid 20’s.  Don’t even get me started on teenagers.

The other thing that has been changing in me is, I guess, I kinda think that I might want to settle down.

I know, I’m shocked, too.  There was a while there that I completely despised the very idea of ever even entertaining another serious relationship.  I didn’t want kids, I didn’t want a routine, I didn’t want fucking anything of the sort.  Now I kinda sorta do.  I kinda sorta want to have a regular thing.  Like… I might consider dating again.  And not just “dating”.  This is where things get weird.  I actually day-dreamed, for a while, about being married.  What the fuck is that about.

First off, I just ended a non-thing that was on the verge of being a thing with a girl that I really liked because I was certain that I didn’t want to do a serious type thing and I was certain that she wasn’t “the one” even if I did.  Now I’m coming to grips with the fact that I might actually want something serious and that I really don’t believe in the existence of “the one”.  this belief isn’t some sad-sap “oh, there’s noone out there for me, boo-hoo-hoo” type of thing, it’s just that I don’t feel like people are destined to be together.  These two things together kind of make me feel like an idiot and asshole at the same time for doing what I done did.  Like I maybe done fucked up.

Secondly, I ran into (slightly on purpose) a girl woman that I have totally dug for forever.  The thing is, I’m pretty sure that my thing for her is almost entirely just a high school crush that I never properly addressed with myself.  That I should have, at some point, admitted to myself that I was totally crushing while I was still in school and would see her from time to time when hanging out with her brothers.  I feel like this might all just be me trying to justify myself and my past failures.  But… there’s a wrinkle.

I don’t immediately start thinking of sex when I think of or see her.  When I see her and talk to her, all I can think about it how to suppress my deep anxiety over the fact that I am around her and she is acknowledging my very existence.  That I am intimidated by her.  That I am… I suppose, a bit scared of her.  I wonder about spending time with her.  How cool it would be to take her out to dinner.  How I would like to chat with her and… I don’t know, man, this is getting pretty uncomfortable for me to talk about.  I don’t want to keep talking about it.  But here’s the deal – I think I like her in a way that I don’t usually like women, and that makes me wonder if there is something to that.  I mean… don’t think of her for sex-havings right away?  Sex-havings are my fucking deal!

Although… I would totally be all about it if stuffs… you know… let’s not talk about it.

As far as what I’m doing about it… nothing.  I don’t think it’s a good idea.  I really don’t think that she’s into me all that much anyway.  I also think I might have fucked up any chances that I might have had by 1) being all types of drunk in front of her and 2) messaging her on Facebook, which is a social site that I really don’t understand and it involves social norms that I really don’t get.  Additionally, I really don’t know her.  And she doesn’t know me.  We probably won’t get along, she won’t like my personality, she’ll try to change me, she won’t be into the stuff I’m into in bed, we’ll hate each others’ choices of entertainment, she’ll be controlling and mean, I’ll be overly romantic while someone being a dickhead, blah blah blah.  Things wouldn’t work out.  As such, I’m not trying.  If both of us might kinda, sorta be an okay thing, then I figure one of us will be compelled to tell the other sooner or later.

tl;dr – I’ve stopped hating some children and have started wanting a more substantial relationship but I am not happy with the fact that I do and there are some feelingsis that I’m not into being a thing and a woman that intimidates me that I think I’m going back to avoiding.

Actually… it might be the best idea ever and I might just really need to cowboy the fuck up and deal with it.  For some reason, it’s really not easy.  But for now, I’m going to stick with this plan of leaving things the way they are.  It’s probably the smart choice.

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