Tenga Egg Showdown – Conclusion.

If you haven’t been following along, let me give you a quick primer on it.  I have been testing out some Tenga Eggs.  Click on this (NSFW) if you want to know what that means, or just take my word for it that they are fantastical male masturbation toys.  Because they are.  I bought a six pack of these toys and decided to test out two of them a week.  If you want to check out my thoughts on those you can click on the following for Round 1, Round 2, and Round 3.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait.  I have since tested them to a point where I feel like I know what I’m talking about, especially since I have previously tested a non-Tenga related sexd toy.  I’ve been holding off on scoring them, but I think I’m good to put some numbers on them now.

Before I do, I want to say this about scoring.  First off, try not to put too much emphasis on the numbers.  This whole thing is extremely subjective.  I’m currently scoring 1 – 5 and really just using halves when I need to (like today’s rankings).  The scale is developing and, frankly, even after hundreds of reviews, I’m guessing that it will still change from time to time.  The world is changing all the time and anything related to the subject has to be graded against its contemporaries.  Additionally, something that I find fantastic might not be very fun for you.  I might not really dig on something that you find rather pleasurable.  Keep that in mind while you read these results.  Even more so, keep this in mind – I will probably not score anything a 1 unless it really, truly, absolutely sucks.  And sucks in the bad way, in case my chosen wording just confused you about which directly my scale goes.  To suck that badly, it would probably have to be truly bad.  Possibly broken or defective.  While some reviewers and critics (I hardly qualify as either so take this as you will) never seem to give anything a poor score, I feel like most of the internet and, frankly, most people in general view everything in very polarized terms.  It’s either great or it’s terrible.  Sometimes it’s good, but it’s never kinda crummy and to call something “okay” usually means it is disappointing.  I don’t share that view.  Something can be okay and absolutely be worth its value.  Don’t believe me?

Ramen.

Not the kind that you get in a restaurant, from a food truck, or some otherwise kind of legit vendor.  I mean, you know… this stuff:

Really, have you had this?  It’s… okay.  In fact, not always.  Ignore the specific brand or flavor, just conjure up in your head what it means to eat “ramen”.  You know what I’m talking about, right?  For about a dollar in a convenience store (or about twenty sweaty pennies rubbed together when purchasing in a real store) gets you a 400+ calorie, sodium laden, so-so noodle hockey puck, not-so-good dried veggie dusting, and a surprisingly robust packet of “flavor”.

In the Brit-lish lands, it’s “Pot Noodle”.

Around the US coasts, it usually goes by “ramen”, but some parts of the country call it by brand.  Usually “Top Ramen” or “Cup Noodles”.

It kind of doesn’t matter, because we all know exactly what we’re getting into when we pick up one.

I just want to make sure that we’re all on the same page.

Because sometimes it doesn’t come in this exact packaging, but it’s still the same shit.  Sometimes it comes in a little different way.  A bowl.  A square.  I dried mound.

 

Sometimes it’s an awkward square of squiggles.

But I’m not talking about this:

Or this:

Or motherfucking this, are you shitting me?  This looks amazing!

I’m not even talking this

Because inside this package is this

And I’ll be damned if that doesn’t look like it’s going to turn out fantastic.  I mean this:

If you’re anywhere near my generation than smart money says you probably lived on this shit for at least a year of your life.  Those packets of ramen aren’t good and they certainly aren’t great.  They’re okay at best.  But you loved this shit.  And you probably still do, even if you won’t admit it to friends, family, or your own self-important self.  And that’s my point.  This shit could be a one.  It’s not.  It’s a 2 or a 3.  The worst of brands are “Kinda Crummy” and the best are “Okay”, but guess what?  We all still love this shit.

That’s my point.  Read the words, not just the numbers.  Take things in context, but by comparison to its contemporaries and in the context of whom is reviewing the item or items in question.  In this case, the context is fairly simple.  The reviewer is me, a weird-assed pervy guy that is a… guy.  Currently, the only contemporaries it is being compared against are the Super Head Honcho and the other Tenga Eggs.  That’s it.

I’ve dilly-dallied long enough.  Let’s get to it.  Here’s the ranking with scores:

6.  Clicker – for a few brief moments, this felt incredible.  I have a feeling that a lot of guys would rank this as number 1, but not me.  The jutting nobs and deep crannies helped it generate some serious pleasure when used just right, but they also lent to some pretty uncomfortable moments when they didn’t land on the right spots.  Great when you have it just right, terrible otherwise.  2.5

5.  Spider – it’s my opinion that the Spider egg is the second worst in the pack, but keep in mind that I actually still think it’s pretty good.  There’s a pretty good chance that this could rank higher up on your own personal list, but for me, it just didn’t do it.  It was subtle, which I actually kind of like, but it was also ridgid.  I’m not sure if that translates, but it just didn’t feel at all real.  It felt very artificial, and not in the fun way like we all imagine banging a sex-robot would be.  Well… kinda.  You know what?  Yeah.  It’s a dime-store robot’s vagina. – 2.5

4.  Stepper – I actually thought this would probably place first after a bit of use.  It is a bit telling that it didn’t, but keep in mind how subjective this is.  At first blush, it was actually uncomfortable.  i didn’t  like it.  But as I continued to use it, I found a grove.  That grove was great.  I can only describe it as this: Tongues.  Everywhere.  Still, it can’t hold a candle to the best. – 3.0

3.  Silky – The Silky egg was the second one that I tried.  I was absolutely certain it would take the cake.  As with the previous entry, I have surprised myself by not finding this the most pleasurable.  Also – can someone please suggest some better words than “pleasurable”?  It’s kind of fucking gross.  Anyway, what I like most about this egg is the slightly in-synchronous manner in which it caresses the junk.  The inner texture is light and subtle, but it’s also very distinct.  It’s there.  It wraps around in threads and waves that are pretty damned great.  – 3.0

2.  Wavy – This egg is perfectly named.  Well… not for how it feels, but certainly for its structure.  The inner texture is a system of concentric, wavy, ripply, deep circles.  And it is amazing.  This texture works great for either up-and-down or side-to-side motion, but when you combine the two, it’s uncanny.  If you can roll your head back and crank your imagination up to 11, this is practically a vagina.  – 3.5

1.  Twister – The Twister egg is like nothing else I have ever felt.  It’s not like having sex.  It’s, mostly, not like getting a handjob or a blowjob.  It’s not like a titjob.  Not at all, actually.  It’s not like buttsecks.  It’s not like dry-humping, wet-humping, or hot-dogging.  When combining vertical, horizontal, angular, and odd-twisting motions, it can be a little like most of those… but it really is its own experience   I think that this is the best in the box, and if you are someplace that sells individual eggs and you really just want one, then this is the one that you should pick up.  That being said, if you aren’t willing to put in the work, don’t pick this up.  Wavy or Silky are probably what you are looking for.  But if you are willing to work for it and experiment a little, this is the egg for you. – 4.0

Here’s my overall verdict:

Out of the handful of things that I have tested (not all of which I have talked about) and the boatload of things I have otherwise looked into, the Tenga Egg Six-Pack seems like it might just be the current best value for male masturbation toys.  Even the “dud” eggs still feel good to me, and you might find them amazing.  In fact, if you’re looking to dive into the idea of some sex toys, I absolutely recommend picking this up, even at it’s highest-end price that I’ve found of around $35.  But if you find it for sub $20, you’re a fool if you don’t at least let it linger in your checkout for a while.

tl;dr – Read more than just the number if you actually want reviews to work for you.  Also – buy this thing.

I have some more substantive things that I want to talk about but I’m having a “feelings” problem that I want to sort out first.  Maybe I can get to it tomorrow, but probably not.  Fear not, something fucking stupid will be there.