It’s time to have a little chat about the last two of my six-pack of Tenga Eggs, and guys… I’m not sure what to tell you. I think I bit off a little more than I can chew.
If this is your first time coming to this twisted little blog, I’ll do a little recap. But first, I want to thank you for dropping by. Whether you’re new, have been here before, or are a total regular, thanks. I have had a (very) small bump in visitorship. I hope there’s a reason, and I hope it continues. If you dig this, go on ahead and recommend this to your equally fucked up friends and family. Maybe… maybe not family.
Here’s the recap for you newbies. I’m a huge pervert and I’m becoming sexually emancipated. Well… that’s a little pretentious, but whatev’s. Women use sex toys all the time, but if a guy uses one on his lonesome, he’s gross. It’s a double-standard. It’s kind of a stupid double-standard for me to attack, if we’re going to be honest, but I’m less interested in attacking it and more interested in just… accepting that I don’t agree with it. Accepting that I am going to move past it, even if noone else does. But for those fellas who are cool with sex toys, I’m going to talk about them. Or for those dudes who are interested, even if they aren’t sure if they want to use them. Or dudes and chicks who, clearly, have no interest in using them but are otherwise interested in it. Also – if you’re coming to this every Thursday feature for the first time, I really don’t think that it will be exclusively male masturbators. The first order of things that I was interested in also included a cock ring, various lubes, and condoms, and I’ll say a little about each. Even more so than sex products, I have the intention of just flat out talk about human sexuality and to more frankly talk about my own. I feel like anytime I talk about such things, it’s either real awkward and touchy or it’s just silliness and shtick. Now, I’m still gunna do some shtick, but the plan really is to be frank and honest about things, and to involve some pro-assed studies and some fact-assed-facts.
Wait a sec, this post is supposed to be about some Tenga Eggs. You can here to find out about those things, right? Right. I’ll get to them pretty soon, I just really wanted to welcome and thank some folks, clarify a thing or two, and… pad for length, a little. This post might otherwise be a tad short compared to earlier ones.
Let’s talk Tenga Eggs.
Like the two from Round 2, I initially found this one a bit… wanting. Maybe even awkward and uncomfortable. It didn’t feel good. It didn’t feel right. It felt… it felt like a blowjob with waaaaay too much teeth. But, as I did with the Round 2 entries, I went ahead and tried out some other motions.
And you know what? Those motions really make the difference.
If you pick up the six-pack of Tenga Eggs or if you pick up an individual egg, I want you to keep this concept in mind – just using this product in up-and-down motions will not, ever, allow you to fully enjoy it. The combination of rubbery material and perfectly balanced personal lubricant will not live up to its potential without proper technique. Proper technique is key.
Maybe someday a “blowjob in a can” will be invented. You’ll grasp the pull-tab to remove the top, slide the product around your member, and lean back into perfect bliss without any effort.
We don’t live in that time. If you want these toys to work for you, then you need to do a little work yourself. Give it some up-and-down, sure. But also give it a little side-to-side. A little twist-a-lee-doo. Apply pressure. Apply it at different sections and different points from different angles. Experiment a wee bit, yeah? Yeah. You’ll have a good time. Really.
The “Easy Beat Egg: Stepper”, when properly applied, works some magic. It’s… it’s kind of like a tube full of tongues. Does that sound good to you? Damned right it is. Which leads me to this thought – this is the first egg whose package I feel very, very inaccurately depicts the internal structure. When I look at that packaging, I feel like I’m about to press some chickpeas or elevator buttons against my junk. It looks like I’m going to play a video game on my joystick. It looks horribly unpleasant, maybe even painful. But – when applied properly – it feel pretty awesome. Furthermore, taking a look on the inside will show you that the packaging really doesn’t look, at all, like what the texture on the inside actually looks like. It’s the first, and only (spoilers) of the six, that I honestly feel like the packaging has no idea about its own contents. That being said – it’s pretty good.
Next up, let’s talk some smack about this last egg.
Wavy. Both the packaging and the name accurately depict the inner texture. It is wavy. It is wavy vertically and while those waves do vary in thickness and depth, that’s the only variation that they have. Otherwise, it’s exactly what it looks like on the outside.
This egg made me seriously consider a throw-away comment that I made during the RoundTwo post and a recent check-in about needing some time to either order a second six-pack or go ahead and reuse the gross originals in order to come up with a solid scoring system. The up-and-down motion would absolutely have finished me off. It felt pretty great. But… just for funsies, right around the middle of the fun, I decided to try those techniques that I developed with other eggs. This turned an egg that might be kinda boring into an egg that was, frankly, “vagina lite”.
I recently had a conversation with some close friends about the “feel” of boning. I don’t necessarily mean having sex/making love, I really mean that specific bit of having a penis inside of a vagina. When talking to women about their experience, I feel like the experience of sex is half completely the same and half inherently different. Generally speaking, when I am inside of a woman, I really only “feel”, or at least think I feel, the tightness and wetness. I know, on a difficult to describe level, that I feel more in there. But when I think of it, that’s all I can identify. I know that there is more going on in there. It’s like when you eat (sorry for the far-too-apt comparison), you usually notice the first two to five things, and completely ignore the magical intricacies that the chef was trying to impart. You had no idea that they included rosemary because they grew up in a pine forest. You just know that the steak was awesome and that the flavor was somehow more intense than normal.
I feel the same way about having my wand in a witch. I can feel those bits, but I never, ever, ever think about them. On the other hand, I have now had more than one women tell me about the “thump”. What’s the “thump”? It’s, apparently, the moment when a circumcised (or unsheathed uncircumcised) penis’s head overcomes the various tightest parts of the vaginal opening. If I understand this correctly, the few women that I know how have been willing to talk about it (and a few from podcasts that I listen to) have more or less said that this is one of their favorite parts. The love it when they can feel the combination of texture, pressure, and width change. I don’t think any of them talked about it so very clinically, but if I gather it correctly, that’s what they meant. I could be wrong. Feel free to hit up my comments and tell me I’m an idiot.
If you got the last few paragraphs, then you should get my conclusion. if not… dude, I don’t know what to tell you. I felt like the “ribs” of the vaginal wall. Ribs that I usually ignore. It felt good. With the right lube, it might feel just below real.
tl;dr – You should really start jacking it with technique, not just pressure.
I don’t know that it will be next week or the week after next, but I do plan to assign some numeric values to my reviews of each egg and to an overall review of the six-pack. In the meantime if you’re chomping at the bit, here’s my overall assessment. If you have $35 and you want to give sex toys a try, pick this up. If you want to give them a try but don’t have $35, search around the internet. If you find a deal within your price range, pick it up. This six-pack truly is a hornball’s value.