From now until I get sick of doing it, each and every Thursday on this site will feature something from the world of sex, filth, or perviness (with exceptions for vacations and whenever I completely forget what the fuck I’m doing). Today let’s kick it off with a little talk about a male masturbator and my thoughts on a ratings system.
I picked up a male masturbator. I actually picked up a few, but today I just want to talk about one of them. It’s called the Super “Head” Honcho. Take a look at it:
Is it a little gross? No. It’s pretty damned gross. It is a tube of molded silicon that you stick your dick into and shimmy around in until you jizz into it. Yeah. It’s reusable. How do you reuse it? You wash it out. Yeah. You wash the… you know… jizz… the jizz that you just put inside of it. You wash it out. Yeah. It’s pretty fucking gross.
I actually owned one of these before. I don’t recall how I came across it, because I actually don’t remember buying it. I never used it. Not a once. I think it may have even been a previous model, but it doesn’t matter if I didn’t use it, right? But that’s my point – I never used it. I was so grossed out by the very idea of it that I just couldn’t bring myself to use it. It’s nasty.
But then I had a thought…
Why is it so gross? Oh, right, because you jam your rod into it and shimmy shimmy shake shake shake until the sprinklers put out the fire. But wait a sec’… don’t women do that?
Oh yeah. They do. With these…
Or fuckin’ these. What the fuck are these?
Or these?!? What the fuckspakle is this? Is that an artist’s rendition of an alien dick, or is it just a dog’s dick?
Because if that’s a dog’s dick, than you broads are waaaaayy the fuck more fucked up than you admit, you crazy fuckin’ broads!!! You think that we’re gross because we want to stick our crank into some silicon? Do you not realize what it is that you are jamming inside of your own body cavity?
I recognize that this weird… I don’t know, dog dick thing is pretty irregular. Most women aren’t going to jam one of those weirdball things into them. But statistics show that a fairly large number of women own and use personal sexual gratification devices – dildos, vibrators, etc. Those statistics also show that the number of women who use sex toys is growing. Some have hypothesized, though don’t have data to back it up, that female sexuality isn’t ramping up by any means. Rather, women are just being allowed to be more honest about it. Afterall, if women are suddenly more sexually active and way more into masturbation than ever before, then how the fuck would we end up with things like the following in museums?
It think it’s simple – we’re all horny perverts. We all like to fuck and we all like to shuck our own corn or click our own mouse. We all like to get a little sexed and we all like to feel a little sexy, from time to time. So why is it socially acceptable in the modern age for women to own and use sex toys but it is perverted and gross for men to do so? Especially when we are supposed to be the horned up ones?
I think that we should be using sex toys. I think that we should be using them as often as women, and likely more. More in terms of frequency, not total time. From what I have gleaned colloquially, women spend just about as much time as men do on playing with themselves. The do it less frequently, sure. But they also spend more time on it in each session. Why shouldn’t we men? To know thine self is to know thine enemy, and thine friend. Let’s spend some serious time knowing ourselves, and let’s play with ourselves in some fun ways. Get to know what we like, what we don’t, and what we will or won’t do one way or the other. Let’s do this.
And let’s talk ratings system. I don’t have one. I’m developing one. I’m sticking with a five-point scale, and I’m avoiding fractions other than halves… for now. How is my scale structured? It’s one to five with outlying aspects sitting in zero or six. I suppose that makes my scale a seven-point one, but let’s not dwell. Especially since I plan on using the outlyers sparingly, and to use them for specific points that I wish to make.
One is a sexual encounter, alone or with help, that isn’t at all satisfying. It’s not a mishap, it’s just not worth it.
Two is basically okay sex or a late-night/early-morning “gotta get it done” beat-off session. It’s not that great, but you came, so alright. Right?
Three is decent sex or a standard beat-off session. It feels good, it settles you current sanity, and it’s fun.
Four is good sex or a damned good beat-off session. It feels great. It will put you on an extended “happiness high”.
Five is great sex or a soul-moving beat-off session. It feels amazing. It practically resets your soul. It puts you in the best mental place you could be and the feelings linger with you. You feel great and you feel that way for a great long time. You feel strong. You feel happy. You feel amazing. You wake up feeling like the entire world could be against you and it wouldn’t matter, because have found what is worth living and your life is worth living. And trust me if you have never had a “Five” experience – life is worth living.
Zero is a complete lack or sex. Actually… it’s probably more than that. It’s probably worse than bad sex. I honestly can’t say that I have had a sexual experience that I would rank as a zero. I have had one non-sexual experience on a sexual organ that I would rate as a zero. I would be -100 if my own scale allowed, but to reiterate – it wasn’t a sexual experience, so it really doesn’t count.
A “Six” would be something… I don’t know… magical. Religious. Awe inspiring. I have had this before, and through no achievement of my own. It just kind of happened to me, and it changed me. Deeply. I no longer think of things in terms of “yes or no”, “good or bad”, or “black or white”, and I credit this experience as a major factor in this change.
So let’s talk about this dumbass sex toy again, yeah?
The Super “Head” Honcho. This thing
Fuck, it’s gross. Look at the thing. I mean, really. It’s translucent. In case you don’t know what that means, here’s the basic – it’s see through, but kinda blurry. Like… when your dick is in it, you can see it. Yeah. The horrible mass of molded silicon and other odd chemical compounds waxes and wains with every stroke of your groady dick jamming about within it, and when it’s done… yeah, you see it. Sometimes it pops out the top. That’s super nasty. Like… super nasty. But… it does work.
This awkward bit of weird is (as I understand it) an injection molded silicon and plastics compound intended to wrap around you dick and, with manual manipulation, will make you feel amazing. It has a tight though guiding entry way. It has a tight and textured chamber. It has a length that should be long enough for most men, even if they pop out a little. And it does feel pretty good.
Here are my problems with it:
- It’s gross.
- You need to buy lube
- It’s only a little better than a handjob
Only a little better than a hanjob? What the fuck are you talking about?
I get this from two different camps. Some people love handjobs and think that I am crazy for even suggesting that something could be better. The other camp demands that no handjob could possibly be better than a half-decent beat-off session. I’m in between. I can beat myself off pretty great. But I can also enjoy a really good handy. In fact, the best handy’s (which usually include tits) can be mind blowing and surpass any personal session. Then again, most handy’s aren’t that amazing. But I guess that’s how it goes, yeah?
The Verdict: Let’s call it a 2.5 – 3.
It felt pretty damned good. It wasn’t as good as the good stuff with a woman. It was better than a lazy beat-off with myself. It was better than a good beat-off with myself. But it wasn’t better than a great beat-off with myself or a good beat-off from a woman.
tl;dr – We should all use sex toys, there’s a rough rating system in there somewhere, and the Super “Head” Honcho is pretty goody. It’s also the first that I’ve used, so maybe I should be able to update my own ratings as I go forward. Sliding scale. Is that crazy?
No, really. I feel like I should have a running, living, sliding scale that gives you a better idea of what is actually “better”. I feel like this might account for how a reviewer gets so very jaded over time.