Fake Meat

As I have mentioned here before, I am a fat.  As I have also mentioned here, I am trying to not be a fat.  I have lost over forty pounds since… give or take the beginning of the year.  Well… after a trip to Fogo De Choas, I’m probably back up a couple dozen… I won’t know for sure until it all sets in on the scale tomorrow morning, but I’ll bet it ain’t good… Oh, and don’t think I’m bragging.  I’ve got at least another forty to go before I start looking human again.  And looking human isn’t even the final goal, it’s just a milestone.  When I hit “human” and start the long march to “superhero”, lookout.  ‘Cause that’s when I’ll start bragging.

So I’ve done me some learnin’ while slowly shaving down the gut.  A few things in particular:

  1. Eating vegetarian isn’t an automatic health fix.  Bean and cheese burritos are vegetarian.  Supreme pizza with extra cheese is vegetarian.  A whole bag of Cheetos is vegetarian as fuck, but if you eat that shit to your fill, you’ll be fatter than the queen of sea cows.
  2. Some vegetables have a fuckload of protein.
  3. Not all proteins are the same.
  4. Neither fat nor carbs are your enemy.  You are.
  5. Most fake meats suck ass.
  6. Most delicious vegetarian dishes don’t bother with fake meats (with at least one very important exception).  At most, they use regular assed things to kinda/sorta substitute meat without actually pretending to be it.
  7. You can keep a “typically vegetarian” diet.  Eatin’ meat from time to time.  Just quit calling yourself “a vegetarian”.  In fact, can we just stop with the pretentious, self-important, “look-at-me” labels we give ourselves?  Dicks.
  8. Eating vegetarian doesn’t need to suck.

There is an important point between three of those points.  Eating vegetarian isn’t an automatic health fix + Most fake meats suck ass + Eating vegetarian doesn’t need to suck.  Somewhere around the three of these is an important cross section where fake “fun” meats exist.  These days, I’ve mostly moved away from the factory made boxed, canned, and shrink wrapped foods.  Afterall, those things all come in pretty high on the list of shit that contributed to the massive weight that I am trying to ditch.  But those foods have been a part of my life for a pretty long time through some pretty intense parts of my life, so walking completely away from them hasn’t been completely easy.  Actually, I was able to avoid all of that shit for months, but in order to keep from falling face-first back into a several-night-a-week pizza habit, I decided that I’d occasionally allow myself some of those fake “fun” meats and combine two of my favorite things – eating and trying crazy new shit.

If you haven’t ever checked it out, the range of fake meats is surprisingly wide.  They range from “meat alternatives” such as tofu and tempeh to dumb shit that you shouldn’t be able to call “vegetarian” without including the caveat that “but this shit isn’t good for you”, like “corndogs”.  While I have learned that most of these do suck ass, like firm tofu (fuckin’ yuck), but a handful of them are pretty good.  Tempeh is pretty good.  But… it’s not very “fun”.  Here’s a light selection of the “fun” fake meats that I’ve come across so far.  I should note that I haven’t actually tried the vast majority of them, as they seem like a real slippery-slope entry into eating bad-for-me-bullshit under the guise of them being vegetarian.

  • “Chicken” nuggets
  • “Chicken” wings
  • “Meat”balls
  • “Bacon”
  • “Corndogs”
  • “Burgers”
  • “Bologna”
  • Deli “meats”
  • Breakfast “Sausage” links
  • Italian “Sausage”
  • And last, but not least, “Hotdogs”

And I’m serious about that last one.  I have tried a few of those and they don’t even come close to the original, meat based version.  Veggie bacon isn’t even remotely similar to real bacon.  I do kinda like it… I can only imagine that’s because I was fucking dying for some pig-ish crispy-crisp.  I’ve only had a few veggie burgers and so far, they’ve all tasted like weeds held together by discarded apple stems.  And so far, I’ve yet to try a veggie sausage that tasted anything at all like a sausage, other than the overwhelming amount of sage or coriander that they jam into those motherfuckers.

But I have so far had two (possibly three) “hotdogs” that were pretty damned good.  For Friday’s blog, I have picked up a package each of two different hotdog alternatives.  I will prepare one of each.  I will sample them.  And I will tell you everything about them.  I’m just going to go ahead and tease this – you may be fairly surprised by the results.

tl;dr – I’ve been eating a lot less creature and a lot more plant, some fake meats are about as fun as the real thing, and I picked up some fake hotdogs for review this Friday.

Yeah.  I teased some shit.  I’m gettin’ good at this shit, yeah?