Pillows and Accent Tables

First – Thing I Found of the Week:

A design for “Earth’s Flag”, were we to need such a thing.  I found the thing on Reddit posted by user thefrek.  It’s not how I would design it which has actually gotten me thinking about the whole concept.  Every sci-fi thing treats the issue differently and I wonder if there’s anything of that which I can… parlay into a future post.  Yes… yes… the wheels are turning…

— ANYWAY —

This has been on my mind for a while, but yesterday Three Guys Walk Into a Bar co-host Ricky reminded me about just how much this home decor issue pisses me off.  I know you might think that I’m an asshole for being pissed off by such a non-thing, but I’m gunna tell ya’ – spending money is never a non-thing.

I’m talking about non-functional decorations.  I don’t mean stuff like trophies or paintings that meant to just sit there on a shelf or a wall to be looked at.  Technically they have a function – to be looked at – and they are performing that function every time that someone sees them.  Rather, it’s the items that should be functional in some practical fashion but instead are only suitable for decoration.

My standard example is the Accent Table.  To be fair, some accent tables do actually function as a table.  Some have the added function of a drawer that you can squirrel away whatevezrcopter into, but not most of them.  The worst damned offender of this sub-genre of nonfunctional furniture has to be an accent table that I came across that couldn’t be used as a table at all.  This was a layered offense, starting with an oversized lamp permanently affixed to the top leaving very little space to place anything on the table part itself.  It also only had two legs, requiring the non-legged side to be leaned screwed into a wall.  Finally, it taunts my need for the things in my home to serve a purpose by appearing to have a drawer, to include a rather ornate hinged handle, but not actually having a drawer.  MADNESS!!!

In my own home I have discovered one version of the nonfunctional household item that pisses me off to no end, especially since it seems that every damned woman in my life (family, friends, and floozies) seems to love them.  Nonfunctional pillows and pillow cases. Fuck off with that bullshit.  Here’s mine:

I don’t know how well that picture comes across.  I found it difficult to photograph with its super-shiny material fighting the less-than-stellar lighting in my tiny condo.  The pillow is just fine, one of those larger square dealies.  I’ve come to find that I rather like the big square ones, but that’s probably some weird thing where I like having close to human sized things that in my bed that I can grab at… ’cause I grab at the humans in my bed when they are there… I’m digging a hole with my words that I don’t think I’ll be able to write my way out of later…

It’s the pillow case that’s a problem.  It’s pretty and all, fine, but it seems to be among a special subset of pillow cases designed specifically to look pretty and never actually be used.  It’s made from sturdy-feeling fabric with several rows or ornate stitching, frill, and trim.  After one night – ONE FUCKING NIGHT – of what I assume was fairly normal slumber, this pillow case began to unravel.  The frills and stitching and trim pulled about from whatever was holding them to the pillow and turned the damn thing into a nest.  What the fuck is the point have having a pillow case that you can’t use?  Are you expecting me to blanket my home in fancy pillows that noone can touch?  Do I decorate my bed with these each morning only to remove them each night?  Someone, please, fucking explain why I should have shit that not only can’t perform the function it appears to be made for but also adds a new chore or encumbrance.

tl;dr – Fuck you and your fucking up end tables and shitty decorative pillows and vases that can’t hold flowers and coat hooks that can’t support coats and pans that can’t be cooked with and dishes that you can’t eat on and stools that can’t be sat on and drawers that won’t open and tits that can’t be squeezed and jars that can’t be filled and fragile coffee tables and coffee cups that can’t be used with hot liquids and fruit bowels that trap moisture and spoil fruits and…

Seriously.  Go ahead and fill your home with pretty shit.  Just make sure it actually serves a purpose first, and don’t you dare give me a fucking function-bluffing item, you dicks.

My Extended Bootycall Forecast: