Getting your life together sucks ass

This is getting posted on Monday but it’s actually Sunday morning that I’m writing.  I’ve spent the weekend so far between doing mostly two different things.  Thing 1 has been to be a lazy shit playing video games, drinking with skaggs, or otherwise slacking off.  The rest of the weekend has been spent being somewhat productive.  No, I’m not making money or somehow bettering myself.  C’mon, you guys should know better by now.  Rather I’m continuing my massive spring cleaning project.  It’s gone on for far too long and mostly because I can’t seem to maintain any real order while this project is in swing.  It’s like some crazy perpetual-disorder machine.  I’m trying to unwreck my place but the best way to do so is to wreck one room but that wrecked room makes it hard to keep the rest of the place from re-wrecking.  It’s fuckin’ crazy.  But rather than bore you with another woeful tale of, “Oh, my first-world life is so hard…”, how about a quick something filthy while we wait for the really filthy stuff that I keep promising?

Alright look, I don’t know how you’re searching for porn.  It would seem logical to me that most people who actually watch porn also have some kind of good system for finding it.  But every now and then some article or study comes out about Internet search and browsing trends.  Now I’m a curious son of a bitch, so when something like that pops up, I just gotta know.  You know what I’ve found out?  You dumb fucks don’t know how to find porn.  At all.  “Sex”.  “Porn”.  “Boobs”?  These are the terms you’re using to find porn?  Come on.  “Breasts”?  Really?  You think you’re going to get some good porn by searching “Breasts”?  ‘The fuck is your deal?!?

So I’m gunna help you out.  I’m going to open up my big pervy toolbox and show you some of my best wrenches (heh).  Here we go..

Aaron’s Notes Presents: Aaron’s Eleven Keys to Ensure Better Porn Searching:

  1. Single-word searches usually suck.  That includes “Suck”.  Tie words together for better results.
  2. Stop searching for porn on regular search engine.  Unless you have very specific porn needs or are going to pay for content, get familiar with the massive, searchable, youtube-like free porn sites.  Redtube, pornhub, etc.  Find a good one of those first, then use the search feature within it.  Look, I’m not gunna front – Google does an okay job, but only if you get really specific and know all of the advanced search tool and characters.  Which leads me to my next point.
  3. Be as specific as possible.  If you type in “MILF” that’s exactly what you’re going to get.  Hundreds of thousands of videos that run the gamut from sexy young moms to horrifying old kraggy bitches choking on mountains of dick with the only unifying theme being that they have the word “MILF” in them.  And you know what?  There might not even be MILFs in the videos.  MILF might only be in the title or the tags.  So what do you want those MILFs to be doing in the videos?  Do you want them to shake their asses?  Okay, type that in.  “MILFs shaking asses.”  Your chances of finding the results you were hoping for are sure to have improved.
  4. Use synonyms.  There is no truly unified porno lexicon.  Not in the industry and most certainly not between non-related, porn devouring degenerates looking to play with themselves on the internet.  If your search for “Booty Shakin’ MILFs” doesn’t get the results you want, try “Ass Dropping Matures”.  It’s also a fun and pervy way to stretch out your vocabulary.
  5. If at first you don’t succeed, search, search again.  Your inquiry for “college anal” doesn’t return exactly what you want, but don’t get discouraged.  Give it another shot.  Try “sorority buttsex”.  No dice?  Keep looking.  Click on some videos that get in the ballpark and notice the tags that keep popping up.  Tailor your search towards or away from those tags, as needed.
  6. Non-sexual terms can have interesting results.  Try just typing “Stupid” into a mega porn site search.  Trust me.  Most of it won’t be sexy at all, but there will be quite a few laughs.
  7. Go with what ya’ know.  I’m not suggesting that you go all vanilla, unless that’s what you like.  Rather, if you’ve already found something that you know you like, go ahead and try for more like it.  The internet is a bigass place and as Rule 34 states, “If it exists, there’s porn of it”.  One can further extrapolate that if you’ve already found said porn, there’s probably more of it hanging around.  It might not be the same performer(s), camera angle, or even language, but I’ll bet you can get pretty damned close.
  8. Rule 34.  (Word to the wise – do not search that term unless you’re ready for some serious NSFW ans NSFL)  I’ll just state it again right quick, “If it exists, there’s porn of it.”  As such, no matter what your desire or nasty fetish, you’re gunna be able to find it.  I would request that you porn your way around the net responsibly, but hey – I ain’t your mama.  If you want to see five trannies blowin’ ten trannies and three horses in a graveyard, I can’t stop you.  Just keep it to yourself and realize that some shit out there is illegal, so of that for a reason.
  9. Search By Name.  Whether it’s a porn star, internet porn star, amateur, first timer, or whatever, if there’s a porn of them and their name or pseudonym is out there, searching that name will probably find you more of them.  Or someone that looks pretty similar.  You can even search legitimate celebrities and may come across some pretty good look-a-likes.  Case in point, that Sarah Palin look-a-like is pretty damned decent, if I do say so myself.  Not that I’d be looking up that sort of thing.  Just sayin’.
  10. Get crass.  Bigotry still exists in porn and in very strange ways.  Seriously, it’s not uncommon to have race, nationality, ethnicity, gender, or just about any other bit of offensiveness appear in the porn, the searchable tags, or even the title.  It’s a pretty dark and dirty world we live in and porn is one of the darkest/dirtiest microcosms.  While it matters to me in the real world, I kinda don’t much care how it’s treated in the porn world.  I already know that most people actually involved in making porn are scum.  A necessary evil, but that it is like that is still pretty fucking weird.  Use that to your sick advantage.  While the occasional super-fucked-up thing is used in amateur porn, sticking to the “casual” ends of bigotry tends to ensure the best results.  “Miso Horny”, “Me Fuckee Fuckee Black Guys”, “Nappy Black Bitchez”, and “Black Ho Express” are, in fact, real titles of pornographic videos from real, legitimate, adult film studios that make real money off of them.  More importantly, don’t be afraid of using curse words for things.  Searching for “Brest Stroking” probably won’t do you much good.  “Titty fucking”, on the other hand, will get you exactly what you think it will.
  11. Search with caution.  Sometimes what you think you’re searching for is not what you are actually searching for.  Try this little experiment – search for “Whores”.  Depending on where you’re searching, you aren’t going to get back the current American vernacular use of that term.  Sure, you might get back a few skanky chicks that’d be down for whatever after a few drinks, but you know what else you’re get?  Whores.  Actual whores.  I mean prostitutes, and not the “movie about a prostitute that washes her face and turns into a beautiful, respectable, lovable hero” type of prostitute.  I’m talking the real type.  Like crack whores.  Picked up off the street and not even dusted off by some guy that you wouldn’t trust to hold your neighbor’s gardening trowel.  And let me tell ya’, those toothless grins (and grimaces) wrapped around some nasty, unwashed-looking, sweaty fat guy’s cock are not easy images to wash out of your mind’s theater.  I’m tellin’ you, search around at your own risk or be prepared for unsolicited “Hostile” screenings.

tl;dr – Stop searching for “naked boobs” you fucking newbs.

So there you have it.  Better ways to play with yourself.  Got any tips and tricks of your own?  Have questions about the toolkit I’ve just given you?  Feel free to hit me up in the comments.