As many of you know, I am a daily Bible reader. Ok most of you probably don’t know this. In any case, it has me thinking about some of my previous posts. I am in fact a Douche Divided. While I actually feel the way I have written, I also recognize that most of the time what I feel is probably not what a normal person would. This causes an internal conflict of me vs. me. Douche me wants to yell and scream, or rub dog shit under your car’s door handles. “Normal” me tries to forgive you for cutting me off in traffic. Maybe you just found out your wife is getting pegged from the tool in your office. Maybe you just found out that 3” is not actually the average size. Maybe you just found out that a size 16 is not actually what most men would call “attractive”. I don’t know, but “normal” me wants to have compassion on you. However, with what I feel is happening, this leads me to another point I feel I need to bring up here to keep me honest, and you informed of where I am coming from.
I have gone off the deep end officially. I am pretty certain I am now a true whacko. I am becoming more and more convinced that the end is near. Birds are literally dropping dead in mid-flight. I see report after report of again literally tons of dead fish just washing up on shore. We have a trash island the size of a state floating around. Clean fresh water and sustainable food are becoming more and more difficult to produce in large enough quantity to keep all of us fat and happy, or even skinny and depressed. Now I am not foolish enough to think it will happen tomorrow or December 23rd, or when the Decepticons return from the dark side of moon. This is where that Bible stuff comes in for me. No one will know the hour. It will come like a thief in the night. Stay Awake. Funny how the boy scouts mirror that with Be Prepared. So I am getting prepared. A reckoning is coming. We as a people are corrupt. Not just our weak politicians or justice system. Us as individuals are corrupt. Here is a real life example I witnessed yesterday. It was raining in Maryland (I will not give exact locations, as I have to assume some of you will be a part of turning America the Beautiful, into America the Rape and Pillage Filled, after the shit hits the fan) I was driving along a crowded section of highway. As some of you know Maryland is a no texting and no hand held cellular device while driving state. Imagine my surprise when I see blatant disregard for the law. Many people do it. Yesterday I watched a cop do it. Driving and talking with his phone pressed up to his ear. Now typically I wouldn’t even register this minor corruption. I mean they are supposed to be enforcing the law, not following it. Worse, right next me, as I am doing well under the limit due to high congestion and slick road surfaces I see a pickup speed up (like I am going to get ahead of him and he cannot allow that) followed quickly by Redneck Pickup. Redneck locks his brakes up and the familiar smell of rubber burning is quickly followed by the joyous sound of plastic and metal crunching. Now Redneck Pickup deserved what he got – a trashed Redneck Pickup, and as I thought this, I realized regular pickup did not deserve it. Even though he was trying to be an asshole and prevent me from entering the lane in front of him. Funny thing is I did not want in his lane, nor was I trying to get over, nor was my blinker on. Anyone want to guess what the officer did? *SPOILER ALERT!* Nothing. He did nothing. He was in the car directly in front of me and he did nothing. Just kept driving like it didn’t happen, see my previous post to explain how this is possible other than he is corrupt. I am corrupt because you know what I did? *SPOILER ALERT!* Nothing also. I knew they had phones. It wasn’t major or serious. But I still am almost as bad as the law. Granted his job is to handle things like that, and mine is not. But that completed the flip of my switch. People have lost their courtesy. A RECKONING IS COMING. Now in no way, shape, or form am I suggesting that you rise up and start a revolution yea well you know. I am just saying that I think one will happen. I am not suggesting anyone participate as that is unlawful, or treasonous, or wrong. Whatever, we are being raped, and we just endure. How much longer? I doubt a lot longer if things don’t turn around as a whole fast. Look, I have a good job, my family as well, so I am not really hit, but I look at the trends. Things are not getting better. A band aid on a bullet hole may look ok until the blood soaks through. Franklin suggested that the only way America will stay free is with a revolution every 200 years. Every empire falls. Every single one. I will give you some details on how I am prepping. Please forgive me for not sharing everything
First let me tell you that after the fall of everything as we know it, I will welcome you into my new (well our -both Aaron and mine) community with open arms and minds if you come with peace and goodwill. Jesus commanded us to Love one another as he has loved us. So I am trying. Yes I am an asshole, I am loud, brash, quick to judge, exaggerate slightly, fart a lot, get people kicked out of movies for talking after I tell them I will slap you bitch. I am also quick to forgive, quick to help, and will give my life to help keep my family and new community safe from the fallout of Z-Day, or whatever befalls us. However, and please bear with me, if you come to us with malice in your heart or with the intent to take from us without giving in return (that could be physical labor preparing our new world order or medical help or farming or whatever) or you bring narrow-mindedness (I am not going to go watch gay porn but hey if you are into it than whatever) or you want to do more than just discuss how the “fall was brought on by sinners” don’t forget you are one of those sinners. Same as me. I will not hesitate to end things with a brutal efficient finality and to keep on as if you were never there. Again, this is not to scare off potential good people from joining with us, this is only to ensure that those who would bring evil with them should keep moving. Basic human rights will continue to be followed, with the exception that you coming as a would-be conqueror will be met with your deliverance to our Creator. He, I am certain will understand. I am no military tactician, woodsman, or really anything special. I am a man determined to survive. I am a man who grew up in the Midwest, a man with decent hand to hand, and a man who has enough sense to know when to stay hidden and when to attack. I have no issues about my honor not being upheld if I take you when you sleep. If you are out for me and mine, then I am sorry. Dr. Dre said it best, when he said it’s either my life or your life. I aint leavin, I like breathin. We are getting more and more prepared daily.
I will detail some of the progress as I prepare for the end as we know it.
First I have been buying foodstuffs. I don’t have a lot of money, but I can spare $1 for a gallon of water when I am in the store, I can spare a couple of bucks for long lasting canned food. Perhaps I can carry it with me to our predetermined staging house. My dueling nature has me looking at how beautiful a place is, then determining if it is easily breached, or defendable. How can we sustain our lives in a particular location? That sort of thing is now common to my thoughts. Most of you will think I am nuttier than a squirrel’s shit, but that is fine, one less person to feed when it all goes to shit. I should start prepping a room in my house, but it is fairly unprotect able. Our staging house is defendable from all sides, plus has a decent sized area that we can view in relative secrecy. Unfortunately it is not really a long term solution either. I am on the lookout for something that will be able to be used more permanently. Maybe I will look at buying a house in the Midwest. That will have to wait.
I tried to get Aaron to learn Krav Maga with me. No dice. Perhaps I can get him to take Aikido, or something else that will let us learn to properly use a katana. I fully intend to walk around with a sword at all times. Also I need to find that armor that Snake Eyes from G.I. Joe wears. If you have some lying around – hit me up. Oh and a cape.
We have decided to take archery lessons. I imagine that being able to use a nice silent bow will be very helpful. Not only for securing meat, but for defense from the Zombies as well, or whatever happens that causes the crumble of our social norms. So that will be fun. Plus if nothing happens I can be Robin Hood, but not Russell Crow Robin Hood, more like Kevin Costner Robin Hood. With less giving to the poor, and more helping the people I care for, and that depend on me. That was out of order. I meant I can just have another way to vent steam. I find myself angry for no reason. Not very Christian. I am still working on that. Again leaving me a douche divided amongst myself. Crap, it is tough. I would like to learn to hunt with it after learning to shoot, but not many people seem interested in taking my money to teach me to hunt with a bow. I dare you to call any archery place and tell them you are into crossbows. You will have the phone slammed on you so fast you will wonder if they broke it. I can’t figure out why people are so against the crossbow. As I told Aaron, the only thing I can figure is that they already know how awesome I am, and having a crossbow would only increase that to near crushing levels. Chester Cheetah is right – it ain’t easy being awesome Justin.
Course maybe I am just listening to too much Nine Inch Nails. Regardless, I still believe the end is near. I also think that while God forgives, and will allow me into heaven, He will need some people here on the front when things go south. It is not my place to wonder why this has to happen, or why evil exists in the world. I think I will be one of the “left behind”. I will not be bitter, or angry. I am preparing for the eventuality of it. I pray it doesn’t happen in my lifetime, or in my families, but I would rather look silly in front of the internet then get caught with my pants down and hands on my junk in a public restroom. Therefore I am also learning the Bible more and more each day. I want to give hope to the rest of those left behind with me. The roving bands of marauders and other takers, rapists, pillagers, general garbage will need to be defended against, and those who have kind hearts but are forced to live in a post-apocalyptic world will need someone to speak faith. I am willing to take up that cross. Clarification, I don’t want to do that, but think I am being called to. Therefore, I will. I may end up going to Seminary School just to be sure I don’t do it wrong.
More on other things next time. Like education, and maybe back to the old posts of friends shitting in their pants, me farting and violating toilets, and the like. Just needed to get that off my chest. Plus when I post the other things I end up feeling like while it was true and hilarious, it is douchie and not the person that I want to be. It is unfortunately the person I am. I am a douche divided. Sundays I teach Sunday school, and then Monday I am farting in elevators. Not really what Christ would want. It weighs on me. I am going to try and act more like I want to feel. Fake it till you make it right? In business one of the first things I leaned was to act and dress like the position you want to have and eventually if you work hard it will come to you. That has been true for me. So in closing God Bless You and Yours, and I hope you make it through the coming storm. I know Aaron, my family (I actually know that includes Aaron) and I will.
KING OF ALL DOUCHEBAGS
And to all a goodnight.