First off, I finally figured out how to post. I know most of you will probably think I am mildly retarded, but then again to most of you I am not here so it doesn’t really matter. I believe I speak for all when I gently remind you to go fuck yourself. Now on to the lesson.
How to properly conduct an office fart, An instruction guide. Also included, the perfect character attack including lingering embarassement on those you don’t like – the tried and true method.
An office fart is a tricky, tricky wicket. Conducted perfectly, you will be relieved of pressure, but most importantly remain blameless. First see if you have any males in your office named Kelley. Yes that is right, take the time right now to go look around for a guy named Kelley. Don’t ask why, that is not your place. You are here to learn from your betters, so know your role. Fine, I will explain why a guy named Kelley will help you in your quest to save the princess.
DODaLoodleDoDaLoodle (insert wavy lines and start waving your hands like Austin Powers) Enter the time warp.
It all stats way back, a long long time back in the mythical land called high school. I had moved my senior year, and was starting over. Now in Maryland, the school laws are backwards, especially when compared to North Dakota. Yes that sounds backwards and it should be the other way around, but North Dakota is actually a better place than most of the country. I had already completed a class called Government, as well as a class called GTA (Geometry, Trigonometry, Algebra 3). Maryland could not understand that the exact same book was used in their class called Local, State, and Federal Government, leading me to the easiest 120% A in a class I had ever gotten. Now, if you have taken Geometry you realize it isn’t that difficult, but Maryland thought that GTA must have been a middle school class, so they made me take freshmen level Geometry. Awesome, I know, 2 whole classes I could just fuck around in and get an easy A. Geometry is where we will focus during the flashback, both are important because I had another senior in both classes. He was there because he needed to be there.
My Geometry teacher, who we will call Mr. Breath to keep the semi innocent safe, was happy that he had one person in his class who understood the basics, and one other senior who thought he did. This other senior would tell me how we could save like half the time if he did the last half of our homework, I did the first half and then we could just copy the rest. I preferred to just do the whole thing, because the other senior was an idiot. He would raise his hand every day and complain that I had gotten 100% or higher and he had gotten only 50%. He couldn’t figure out that he was wrong for the half he had done. I just kept telling him I didn’t know why the teacher would grade him like that. He thought he kept getting caught copying. He didn’t. Mr. Breath would ask me to come up to the chalkboard and explain why I had gotten a certain answer on a problem. My favorite thing was to keep adding and adding to a problem until it became so confusing that Mr. Breath would have to ask me to stop and then he would try to figure it out. AHHH Good times, Good Times. Now this other senior was named – guess – Kelley. His favorite thing to do was claim other people’s farts. Don’t ask me why, I still can’t figure it out. In one of our shared classes he sat in front, and I in the back. I farted, he jumps up and yells “That was me, smell it? I farted.” This happened regardless of who actually farted. The most memorable moment of Kelley claiming others farts was at the beginning phase of my powerful jutsu. I let a blast go, and it had a taste of what I would be able to do later in life. I opened the window to the class after release, due to the horrid smell of death, rotting meat, decay and spiced apples. I stuck my head out the window, to get the freshest oxygen I ever inhaled, but the way the air was flowing it trapped the gas in the room, and spread it quickly for all enjoy this new homebrew. Windows started opening rapidly, but to no avail, my jutsu is powerful, lingering, and penetrating. Mr. Breath turns around, and starts to yell but Kelley says “Mr. Breath, I farted and it smells worse than your breath!” Mr. Breath starts to get visibly disturbed at the comment and takes to steps toward Kelley, reprimand ready when his face and head snap backwards like he just got hit with a baseball bat. His hands rush to cover his face and he starts sprinting to the door, dry heaving the whole way. He left the class that day and didn’t return until the bell rang. People still blame Kelley for the horror (the horror), and praise him for standing up to our 45 minute dictator, but he and I and now you know what really happened.
This is why it is important to find Kelley.
DODaLoodleDoDaLoodle (insert wavy lines and start waving your hands like Austin Powers) Exit the time warp.
So if you do not have a Kelley, it would behoove you to do one of two things. Move into a very crowded area, or into one with no one around that people will visit.
In a large crowd a fart is easy to get lost or blamed upon others. No one will say out loud, but they will look around to place blame. The best way to accomplish blame placed on others is to keep moving. Walk around the area, then through it, dispersing your joy as you walk. You want to create a minefield that will trap and hit all who enter your area. This will make it harder to pin on you, and create maximum displeasure.
Effective for day to day black ops.
In an area with no one near, it is recommended to you that you try to force all farts out in one single area. Do not spread yourself thin. I would recommend that you do this in a hallway, or perhaps right next to a door that opens towards you. If you allow the door to be opened away from you, the victim (I mean recipient) may not be able to enjoy the full effect. I can open a door and walk through it easily when it opens away from me. Now if I am forced to stop for some reason i.e. to open a door towards me, I will have extra time to allow the funk to permeate. Once you have dropped your knowledge, exit the area quickly, and with purpose. However make sure your coat is not trailing. You don’t want any fart to be trapped behind you. That can lead to you being exposed, when you get back to your desk and the fart you thought you left behind actually was more of a lost puppy following you unwanted.
Now for the elevator fart. The elevator must be crowded before attempting this. If it is empty, then stops somewhere, and you have decided to bask in your own ambiance then you will quickly be found out. Now it may be hilarious, to watch the other person, but your career has just ended. Sorry. No, you want it to be as full as possible. Then make sure this is a QBD (Quiet But Deadly), and fire. Once it has permeated, rapidly burst out with “hit the next floor I can’t take this” or drop a “that is gross” or a “ugg disgusting” then off at the next floor. People will stay on, trust me. I have tried this method all over the world, and have both continued riding, and gotten off at the next stop. At all times you must be attempting to deflect attention to someone else, without making it seem like you are deflecting away from yourself. This works best if you can also make the “cool” guy in the office seem like a boob. Yesss. Humiliate. Yesss.
I must interrupt this already finished story. Today, I faced an evil the likes of which I had not realized were so prevalent in this part of the country. I speak of course of the redneck pickup. I was trying to leave my office and start my long trek home. The redneck pickup was leaving the office parking lot at the same time as I. I allowed him to inch forward into traffic. He started to turn when a large office supply truck starting honking crazily. Office truck wanted to turn into the lot. I must have had 10 cars behind me. Redneck could have pulled out and left, instead he decides to back up. Without looking. I throw my car into reverse, but can only go inches as I am blocked. Redneck backs up hard as he can, into me. ASSHOLE. I raise my hands in the classic white guy intimidation of WHAT THE FUCK DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM I WILL KICK YOUR ASS I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA stance. He looks at me then peels off in front of office truck. My car shook upon impact. I pulled out and into an adjacent lot, to check my car. What redneck truck maybe forgot is that he obviously works in my building. No one has any reason to be in the lot if not for working at the building. It doesn’t matter if he “got away”. I will see his ass on Monday. Fucking stupid redneck retard. Not that I have anything against rednecks or tards. Most of the time they are my loyal subjects, but this one dares subordination towards his king. Now I had no damage, but I will bet he does on Monday. Maybe not damage, maybe peanut butter under his door handles. Or dog shit. Whatever.
This has been another moment with your king.
And to all a good day.
Your humble king.
KING OF ALL DOUCHEBAGS