An observation that confirms the existence of the multiple parallel universe theory
Now I realize that these lessons are wonderfully appropriate to most of you. However I recently learned that many of you simply cannot understand them. It is really no surprise; I mean clearly I don’t actually exist. Only you exist. No one else is in existence except during the few brief moments that you allow it. Thank you your highness, for allowing me to be here long enough to pen this. I now need to either set you straight, as I am your King now. You are a Douche bag, and I am the Head of that Tree, or prove the existence of many worlds overlapping each other that you control.
For example, in the grocery store, I clearly do not exist, unless I am reaching for something that you are trying to reach. I mean what other explanation can there possibly be? We are both walking down the same aisle, in opposite directions. However when we both reach that point when we should move over courteously, you continue on your current trajectory where I am limited to two choices. One, allow you to walk into me (you will probably hurt yourself and then somehow blame me for you not moving) or two get out of your way. Seeing how I don’t exist it is easy to understand why you can’t move your lazy ass over two steps to allow us both to walk unimpeded. However as I am your king, I will occasionally check you into the shelving. (I am still a dbag so go cry to someone who actually is upset by your tears and doesn’t want to make wine from them like I am in excess. You know how a dbag says the name of that one band that does stuff) I also notice that when we are in line at the store, if I am behind you, I don’t exist, but I somehow manifest to the person behind me. I am clearly an annoyance. Stranger than my partial existence on this plane of reality is how I can both exist and not exist to you behind me once your phone rings. Then I exist only as a barrier to the lane, but not as a human. Perhaps that is why you feel an incessant need to talk on your phone as if you are the only person living. Which, of course, you are. Why I should care about your latest doctor appointment and how you hope that the pressure you are feeling in your ass is not something medically dangerous like anal warts, but more of something you prefer – a dick in your ass. So I will take note and go fuck myself. Please forgive me, it will be quite challenging. I don’t actually exist anymore.
I have also noticed this phenomenon whilst driving. Well, while you are driving. I only exist when I am in front of you during traffic. In front of you I typically do not exist. Only while I am in traffic, or if I am going too slow for you aka an idiot, or going too fast for you aka a maniac. If I were to say try and cross a crosswalk, which in Maryland it is state law for you to stop and let me cross I realize that you cannot stop and let me cross due to the simple fact I am not there. I do not exist; I mean you haven’t allowed it. Perhaps I exist if you have someone you are trying to impress, then you will stop to show how generous you are, allowing me the privilege of walking in front of your amazing totally not rust covered piece of shit civic. Or so I can look at you and think wow not only do hamsters drive this car while bumping about how everybody gonna have a good time but this clearly better looking, more money making, better luck with the ladies having, I should drop to my knees and satisfy this amazing person also drives. If only I could be so privileged to join the exclusive club called anyone and drive also.
Now another key observation in the testing of the parallel multiple universe theory closely mirrors the grocery store observation. If such a universe did not exist than it would be impossible for you to constantly speak on your phone with utter disregard to your location. I mean if I am truly here how can you talk so fucking loudly in an enclosed space like an elevator. Perhaps you are an idiot and don’t realize that your phone has a microphone in it. Maybe you prefer making other people turn the volume on their headsets all the way down. I am not sure if this is in truth the case, as you are clearly not a moron. I must not be here. Yelling out “No I am about to get on an elevator, if I lose you I will call you back, WHAT NO I AM ON AN ELEVATOR. YES AN E L E V A T O R. EEEELLLLA VADER ELAVATOR. I CANT REALLY TALK I AM ON AN ELEVATOR NAH IF I LOSE YOU I WILL CALL YOU BACK” We all know that signal can cut out in an elevator. In fact as much as you marvel at being able to move through space and time, you are not in a TARDIS and this is not that uncommon a way of travel. Same goes for all you idiots who have to make a call as soon as the plane touches down. “No I am ok we just landed and I am ok” Stop flying if it is too stressful on you and your family. Or be more quiet about it and just fucking tweet it or however else you pretend you are more important than you really are. Sorry. I got out of hand there. I realize this is just my frustration at only being able to interact with the physical world on the occasions that you allow. I feel like I should be behind a fairly white trash looking woman with some modeling clay making a shitty bowl while crappy music plays in the background and I pretend I am not going to let anyone put baby in a corner. (You know because I like to be both from the ghost film and the one about dancing)
Seeing how we are on the elevator, either I am a total idiot or not here. I don’t know why you feel the need to not move back and just sit at the front of the door. I notice you like sprint off as soon as the doors open. I also notice that you are quite angry when other people want to get off the elevator they should know that you need to get on. Can’t they hurry? Funny how I exist at that moment, but once you get on, POOF I disappear. I know, I know, I hate you too, and don’t want to share these few precious moments of our life together, but Carl didn’t want to have Hand Banana fall in love with him. One of these days I am just going to look you in the eyes, and say “Tonight, YOU.” And then walk off. Then we will see if I still exist next time we lock eyes in the cafeteria and you wet yourself.
So in closing
And Go Fuck Yourself
Your Gracious King
King Of ALL Douche Bags
It is like when a Semi Truck full of water crashes into a semi full of vinegar
And to all a good night.
PS – An update on my Activia 14 day challenge. For a brief while, I thought I had lost my most powerful jutsu. A jutsu for you rubes is a powerful tool that is used by most ninjas. There are a few basic categories that all jutsu fall into. Taijutsu – physical ninja skills; Genjutsu –illusionary ninja skills; and ninjutsu – ninja skills that do not fall into the other categories. My main jutsu is a powerful combination of all 3. Rarely if ever accomplished by a mere mortal. However as the King of all Dbags – I had perfected a jutsu that could induce vomiting, hallucinations, physical attacks primarily on your face and stomach area including massive cramping, an unseen force driving you away from my location that would linger for at least 10 – 15 minutes. This jutsu, unlike most jutsu’s did not leave me drained or weak. In truth it invigorated me. The main problem is that I could not readily call upon it like most people. I am speaking of course, of the vile assault on mankind that comes from my ass.
For 14 days I have been losing my powers of forcing you to immediately leave the bathroom, clutching your face and stomach. At the height of my powers I had a man snap his head back as if hit by a brick and literally start vomiting into a sink within 10 seconds of contact. Awesome, I know. However for the last 14 days it has been lackluster at best, not even providing me the satisfaction of someone walking into the bathroom unsuspecting and saying “Holy Shit, someone had Taco Bell last night” No, it has been disappointing to say the least.
However today I noticed the powerful rumble in my stomach. I tested the power of the jutsu I had been brewing for 2 full days hoping to regain my former status as Legendary Master of the Toilet, whose powers put Master Shake to Shame, aka a Maven of Justice, with a small fart in the shower. I almost vomited myself. I knew my powers had come back full force and Activia, administered by wife, who attempted to poison and destroy my powers, was useless in the midst of such amazing skill. With great skillful skill I waited to strike until the timing was most perfect. I know that in many offices, after the time of lunch has come and gone, people flock to the bathroom to read shit papers and waste office time. I knew the time had come to put a stop to this injustice. I waited until 1 pm. Typically lunch is over at 1, but 15 minutes from that time, the slackers go to the bathroom. I approached the bathroom, realized it was completely empty (another rare gift in an office containing almost 900 people across 19 floors each floor with 1 men’s and 1 women’s room) I went to my favorite stall, you know the one, the handicapped stall. The roomy stall, the stall with its own sink and paper towel dispenser, the one who sits alone. It would concentrate the vapors before allowing release when I jammed the door open with a metal ruler. I sat down, and then proceeded to unleash an almost constant 12 minutes of shaming gratification upon the unsuspecting workforce that would be entering any moment. After finishing up, I decided that others should be able to enjoy my Pièce de résistance, so flushing was out of the question. I allowed my showpiece to be displayed for all! HOORAY FOR YOUR KING!!! Next, and working quickly, I first washed my hands, and then jammed the door open. I walked out at 1:13, mere moments before the crowds would be arriving. Fortunately they were right on time, arriving in droves. I was rewarded with people hurriedly rushing from the death box I created. DON’T YOU KNOW I AM ALLOWED TO SLACK OFF.? HOW DARE YOU PRESUME TO BE ON THE SAME LEVEL AS YOUR KING. I heard the no longer hushed tones of people leaving, the “who would do that?” “That is filthy, did you smell that?” “What was that?” “I was worried that death was knocking on my door with the horrid smell of decay and rot and death and apples.” I almost cried tears of joy as I realized that my jutsu was secured in legend by those who survived. AHHHHH IT IS GOOD TO BE THE KING.