A dissertation on etiquette –
First, you have none. Etiquette is not manners. Manners are what you use to not have people think you are a filthy dog when you eat in front of them. Manners keep a fart in or when (true story, I watched a friend do this) you decide to shit your pants cause it will be soooo funny to the whole bar. It isn’t, and not only do people look at you like you are a piece of shit, you actually are wearing a piece of shit. Manners are a way to show that you are normal.
Etiquette is more a code to distinguish your class. You also have none. Like when you drink Natty Boh, but someone who is not a steaming trash heap of nothing drinks anything else.
More important than all of this is the proper usage. Now when you are say, in a public shitter and you clearly have problems in your guts, most people would provide a courtesy flush to other occupants of said shitter. I do not. That is because for the most part I don’t want you in the bathroom with me. I am helping you get the fuck out. Don’t speak to me. I am not going to speak back. Don’t sit in the stall next to me, when the bathroom has other, open stalls. What do you want? To hold hands also? GO FUCK YOURSELF. This shows you a lack of manners.
However this comes to the most important of all. Your “politeness” is not polite at all most of the time. Most of the time you are a worthless sack of self-serving shit trying to impress someone who most likely is not watching and I sure hope it wasn’t trying to impress me because you are a dude and I am just not into that, buy a dog and a jar of peanut butter for goodness sake.
Here is a real life example. I was strolling leisurely out of my office, and towards the bathroom (I had waited until the time I noticed it is least used during the day –aka politeness because I am going to violate your trust in man with the foulness I am planning on releasing to the porcelain), and a kind also young man opens the door in front of me. A good 50 feet in front of me, he held the door, and looked at me as if to say hurry up, I don’t want to hold this all day. I shuffled a bit faster, to get out the door. HE CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF. His “politeness” ruined my enjoyment of lazily walking. I was nowhere near the hold the door for someone range. Plus, I can hold my own fucking door. I am a fairly large dude. I am not your mom. Good manners do not mean to behave one way outwardly but only if things are going to be done your way. I am not trying to say stop holding doors for people. Please start, but do so to be nice, not to show off how polite you actually are.
Next to iPhone users who want to show me and the whole world you have an iPhone. You are not better than me or anyone else. You do not actually get special privileges like line cutting at the grocery store self-checkout. Step in front of me with a “No it’s OK I have an iPhone” No it is not ok. You are a piece of shit. Did I mention GO FUCK YOURSELF, slowly, maybe with your iPhone? Your iPhone is actually not that cool. It is pretty cool, but not enough for me to drop to my knees and unzip your fly, like most of you act. You know who you are. If you aren’t sure if you are one of those, then you are too. I find it funny how you would want to show the world that you are a sheep. No, sorry, you are “unique” or “special”. I like to look at each of you holding the symbol of man’s first downfall, and like to think that when the world goes to shit you will be among the first to fall with it. Perhaps you think you are actually eating from the Tree, you are not. Now in full disclosure I am a Prius driving, organic and free range eating, should be farting in a wineglass to enjoy my own vintage, almost hippie. I have a blackberry that I hate, and only use because work pays for the phone and service and forces me to use an outdated and soon to be extinct dinosaur. I wear a tie. Because I feel more comfortable in one, not because I care what you think about my appearance. I do not however, walk around sporting it like a medal of honor. Because it is not. I don’t put stickers up on my car to show how great something I bought is. Right next to your apple why don’t you put up an “In Loving Memory- Dale Jr We Miss You” or whatever it is that will help you “remember “ your family. How about you let your family member rest in peace and not force them to constantly be a part of your disappointment life. Also, Dale Jr is not your family. You are not supporting him by purchasing one of those stickers; you are supporting a Chinese sticker maker, not a “Real America Hero”. Inconsequently, he is not a hero, nor a superhero, and while his mustache is very American, I question the authenticity of it.
So in summary-
- You have no manners
- You have no class
- You are a piece of shit
- Dale Jr is not an American Hero he never once jumped into a fire to save a kitty let alone something that matters like a person who probably is not you
- You like to be edgy and cool by doing things that are neither
- You should go fuck yourself
- You like to support companies and people who are 1% but then “occupy” to show you don’t agree – It is called having your cake and eating it too. Or I think you will understand this better it is like sucking a dick and then expecting me to just have a conversation. No, you just had a dick in your mouth, how can I take you seriously?
- This list is not in the order that I approached the topics above
- I prefer to not courtesy flush to encourage you to leave, unless you are into smelling the foul evil I have released in the world which resembles the birth of a skunk, covered in rotted sauerkraut, toasted, left in cheez whiz, tossed with ranch corn nuts, and has a consistency of brownie batter pushed through a sieve
- You should go fuck yourself
- Apple and Blackberry both suck as does Droid
- If you say Droid like the commercial you are actually cool into dicks
- Facebook is for people who have no real life, are into Farmville, like dicks in the mouth, and ads for things I don’t want or are not into
- I just learned the strikethrough feature
- You should go fuck yourself
Postscript 1 4:28pm 1/27/12
Unfortunately some filth has come to my attention. First let me start by saying that in truth I actually dread having to sully the office bathroom. If a supervisor were to walk in while I am besmirching or tarnishing the office stall, well I am not certain I would be asked to come back in the morn, at least not until I have been decontaminated. However today, while I strode into the bathroom, a horror was visited upon me. This has happened to me on at least 3 separate occasions, in at least 3 separate office bathrooms. So a minimum of 9 total times, I have seen the sports section neatly folded and left in the stall. STOP DOING THIS. It is wrong, not polite. If you think you are doing me some type of favor saving me $1.25 of buying my own paper you are not. No one, and I DO MEAN NO ONE wants to have your shit paper.
You are either
a.) too stupid to realize that you are leaving a shit paper
b.) too lazy to fucking throw it away yourself
c.) too retarded by thinking you are doing anyone some type of favor
d.) all of the above
This is not good manners. If you are one of the people who do this – you have 2 options
- Stop being an ass and throw your shit paper away
- Go fuck yourself
If you are someone too stupid to realize that someone else who was sitting down defiling the stall while shitting and then left the paper behind that you then pick up and read, you have a few more options
- PLEASE START WASHING YOUR HANDS BETTER – a quick rinse in the water is not washing your hands, unless you consider splashing your face with water a shower
- WASH YOUR FILTHY HANDS
- DON’T READ A SHIT PAPER
- GO FUCK YOURSELF
So please remember, and I will be back in a week hopefully when we will explore some other things you are wrong about.
THE KING OF ALL DOUCHEBAGS