Friday Quicklist, Sluts!!! – Pizza Toppings.

That’s fuckin’ right, you need to chill out ’cause it’s Friday, and you ain’t gotta job, and you ain’t got shit to do but to be gettin’ down on Friday, Friday, gotta get downstairs gotta my bowl gotta get cereal ’cause Jason and his mother are gunna come around with hokey masks and drown us in Crystal Lake while we eat some Sesame Jack Strips while watching some Full House and then we need to go buy a shitload of Christmas gifts at crazy discounted prices for My Girl Friday and something something Sunny… 13th… Good/Holy Bumpersticker… um… Calendar Porno Rolling Stones Anaheim and… um… alright, I’ll stop.

Here we go.

Fuckin’ Friday Muthafuck Fuckfuck Food Ass’d Quicklist Friday – Aaron of  Aaron’s Notes’s Most Bestest Favoritetine Awesomesauce Pizza Toppings and or Sauces and or Things With What Which You Put On Them (But Not Including Things You Dip Them In [Unless I Feel Like Breaking My Own Fucking Rules {Go Fuck Yourself, It’s My Blog, I’ll Do What The Shit I Want When The Shit I Want To} Fuck] Fuck-assed) Top-assed Quicklist, Motherfucker:

11.  Steak

I often wonder if steak is my favorite food ever.  And I don’t mean as a topping, I mean as a food.  As an ingredient.  As a flavor in a soup.  Whatever.  Sometimes it is my favorite.  Sometimes it’s all I crave and I crave the absolute fuck out of it.  Sometimes I just want a yummy slab of beef with a little streak of flavorful fat.  Sometimes I feel like either crab or lobster or salmon takes pole position.  Those times might be crazy sauce, but thems the breaks.  There is something about the way that the proteins and fats of this satisfying meat fall upon ones’ pallet and that you can still get some of that from either the thin slices or little chunks that end up on a pizza.  Thing is, the steak gets a little lost on a pizza.  Hell, I might have fucked up on this list already… chicken’s pretty good, too.

10.  Tomatoes

You can not like tomatoes on your pizza.  Or you can even fucking hate them altogether.  I don’t fucking care.  I unabashedly love tomatoes in a huge range of applications.  I love them pureed, stuffed, roasted, and raw.  My favorite way to enjoy a tomato is sliced up and with a dash of salt.  I’ll admit that having a thick slice of fresh Mozzarella and even thicker slice of slightly-salted cucumber on the side makes for a great time, but the tomato itself – even sans salt – is pretty good.  On a pizza, it’s fantastic.  Little plum tomatoes, roma slices, or sun dried are fucking amazing.  Especially when they roast up and get a little char on them.  But sometimes when I order a pizza and ask for tomatoes on in, I end up getting a Luke warm, watery, slimy mess.  Ten is the best I can do for you, buddy.

9.  Pepperoni

I have to admit that I’m not that big on it these days and probably haven’t ordered a Pepperoni pizza for myself in years.  However, I have to acknowledge that there have been times when Pepperoni was my go-to.  Sure, in High School and my time in the service I would order Pepperoni as a sort of… place holder.  Stop gap.  I know that virtually every pizzeria does that topping and does it pretty well (or at least well enough).  I also know that almost every person ever loves or at least will eat a pizza with this stuff on it, so to save time and avoid some stupid, bullshit fight about “What?  XXX on a pizza?  That’s gross, and doesn’t belong on a pizza, you weirdo!”

8.  Eggs

Do yourself a solid.  Whether you make your own or know a place that does real-assed pizza, try a pizza with eggs.  You can skip the cheese.  Or better yet, use the cheese to keep the eggs in place while they bake.  Just make sure the eggs go in at just the right time or you’ll end up with dry, shitty yokes.

7.  Sriracha, A.K.A. “Rooster Sauce”

I FUCKIN’ TOLD YOU I WOULD BREAK MY OWN RULES AND I DID!  FUCK YA’LL’S!!!

6.  Bacon

What on the planet beats bacon?  Well, according to this list, about five other things.  In all honesty, most things don’t beat bacon in their standard application.  Which would you rather have, some nice hot bacon or some oatmeal?  One might think that this topping should top all toppings, but one would be wrong.  I love bacon.  I love the taste, the smell, the incidental combs of salt/savory/sweet with waffles and bacon’s ability of being the the only thing other than breakfast sausage to make Pancakes not tastes like hot, cardboardy garbarge.  Bacon tastes amazing.  I love the stuff, but it often gets kind of lost on pizza.  There’s never enough unless it’s a so-so pizza.  In which case, there’s a shitload of bacon, but the bacon is super dry, overcooked, and crumbled.  Fuckoff with that.  Give me full slices.

5.  Mushrooms

If you don’t like mushrooms on your pizza then you don’t understand how life works.  Fresh, canned, marinated.  Button, portabella, oyster.  I’ve never tried shitakes or any of the weird looking ones that are awesome in soups on a pizza, but I’ll bet those are good, too.

4.  Anchovies

I wish I knew the day that I realized that my childhood food prejudice was ridiculous, because that must have been the day that I opened my mind up to better foods.  Anchovies may not be as good as sardines and I know that some weirdos like pickled herring more, but I’ve never found a place that puts either on a pizza.  Just understand that after you eat that pizza, your breath is going to smell like bad vagina for at least an hour.

3.  Canadian Bacon, A.K.A. “Ham”

You know what ham?  You can quit masquerading as other pork products.  You’re still pretty great.  Generally speaking, ham doesn’t hold a candle to bacon, ribs, fatback, or just about anything else that comes off of that amazing animal.  But on a pizza, this really kicks ass.  It doesn’t get lost or get overcooked like bacon and it beats the shit out of pepperoni.

2.  Salami

If Bologna is Pepperoni’s retarded little brother, Salami is it’s often misunderstood and ignored older sibling.  (go ahead and google that shit.  Find out just how intelligent of a dumbass line that is.)  I find Salami’s saltiness and overall depth of flavor to be better than most sausage-style cured meats and considerably more enjoyable than the over-spiced, neon-greasy, played-out ways of Pepperoni.  Good Salami done right on a pizza ends up having amazingly browned and/or crisped edges with hot, soft, velvety centers.  Fuckin’-a-right, Salami is, in my weirdo opinion, THE best meat to put on your pizza.

1.  Pineapple

You know what?  I don’t need you to talk shit about my pizza choices.  It’s my pizza.  I know that others aren’t so into this choice so I’ll bend to your stupid pepperoni.  Fuck you.  Pineapple on a pizza tastes great.  Give it another try.  Any fuck-tard knows that “Salty-Sweet” works great, but it’s time for you get this more: “Salty-SAVORY-Sweet” is amazing.  That’s what a pizza with meat, cheese, PINEAPPLE, sauce, and dough has to offer.  So stop talking shit and stop knocking it until you try it.  Go out and get some fucking pineapple on your fucking pizza you fucking asshole.  Then try a pizza with Mango chunks on one half and salami and egg on the other.  You’re welcome.

tl;dr – I count to eleven ’cause the internet doesn’t give two fucks about your top list if it’s a standard 5, 10, 25, 50, or 100.  Also, Spinal Tap.

Is that the stupidest Quicklist name I’ve had yet?  I kinda think so.  You know, I actually make some pretty good pizzas myself.  Maybe one of these days I’ll share my killer recipe.  However, I’d be willing to bet that you’ll find a better recipe from just about anyone with a brick oven, indoor or out.  Fuck, would I ever love one of those.

Also – this list doesn’t mean that I don’t like other shit.  I mean, Alfredo sauce can be a pretty good substitute for the not-quite-marinara stuff.  Same with BBQ sauce.  However, I probably like the tomato based stuff the most.  Then again, I fucking love tomatoes.  And onions and garlic.  Both great.  Other tastes compliment other favorites.  I mean, olives can really bring out the flavors of certain pizza combinations.  Peppers can add a truly satisfying and biting sensation to meaty pizzas.  Apple slices with Brie make a fantastic second pizza.  Add sugar and cinnamon and you’ve got an amazing desert pizza.  Sausage and ground beef stuffs are always good, but can be amazing if you coordinate the spices that make them up.  Breakfast pizza?  Make sure your sausage has sage in it.  You dig?  If I had had more experience with it, I feel like Prosciutto might topple this entire list.  I really love that stuff.  It’s like bacon-on-crack, but without the need to be cooked or pre-soaked.  It is usually super-paper-mario-thin sliced, but can be found in other forms.

3 Replies to “Friday Quicklist, Sluts!!! – Pizza Toppings.”

  1. Koreans appreciate corn on almost anything. There’s even a little dumpling treat they sell in subway stations shaped like a cob of corn. I have no idea why. Thankfully that particular snack (Deli Manjoo) is super delicious and doesn’t taste anything like corn.

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