Porno-Post Primer

And I probably shouldn’t tease it so much, especially knowing that this fabled post can’t possibly live up to the hype.  Let’s all get on the same page here just in case this is your first time here.

I am a man who enjoys pornography.  Frankly, I am a man who enjoy all (well… most) things sex, intimacy, foreplay, foolin’s, and jazz like that.  Porno is more of an extension… nah, maybe not even that.  Sometimes it’s a substitute, sometimes it’s a supplement.  Sometimes it’s background noise or just happens to be porno but is really just something interesting or distracting to google.  You could say I’m desensitized to it, but then you’d be a stupid cunt who doesn’t know what they fuck you’re talking about.  Like some dumb-fuck who thinks that video games or movie violence turns kinds into hardcore killers and that all of these evils are the cause of our decline in society.  ‘Cause you know, sex and violence never existed before film.  Tell me again, which video game was Genghis Khan really into?  What was Jack the Ripper’s favorite porn?

Sorry, didn’t mean to digress and all that.  That’s a subject for another time.  A time that, I suspect, I’ll be pretty riled up and raring for a fight.  But that’s not today.

When considering what I like in porn, erotica, and saucy puppet shows, I realized that as filthy and depraved as I may sometimes think of myself, there is quite a lot of stuff that I do not like.  One of my first realizations was just how many porn stars I can’t stand.  No joke, there are people in porn of both genders that can completely ruin a video or pictorial for me.  Top of mind is Evan Stone.  I wouldn’t chance googling him while at work – he’s a porn star.  That can’t possibly return many results that aren’t NSFW.  I’ll give a quick descriptor and I have a feeling that if you’ve seen any professional/main stream porn then you’ll know who I’m talking about.  He’s that long haired, large and muscular, white-guy with a face that looks like The Joker from several versions of Batman comics and cartoons.  Actually, I think he played The Joker in the most recent porno parody of Batman.  (edit – he’s also the featured picture, so… yeah. I found the picture after writing.  I could have cut the last few sentences, but why cut a chance to clown his fuckhead?)

Now, one might wonder how he can ruin my porno.  He’s a guy and shouldn’t be the focus of the video, right?  Wrong.  For some reason, porn directors and cameramen can’t fucking help but fill the screen with his awful mug every chance they get.  One second I’m looking at a nice pan-down of some boobies bouncing about and some curvy hips wriggling to a (kinda grossly oversized) dude and things are working out.  The next second it’s a closeup of that piece of shit’s horrible “O” face.  What an incredibly punchable face.  On top of that, I can’t help thinking about what I’ve heard from various radio interviews with various pornstars that have worked with him.  The say he’s an ignorant, arrogant, asshole with bad hygiene and an overall terrible attitude toward women.  The second some shit like that plays through my mind, I’m fuckin’ out.  Time to either find a different porn or zip up and deal with my shithead-inflicted blueballs.

But it’s not just horrible looking meatheads that ruin my porn.  It’s sometimes the women, too.  Yeah yeah, har har, I know there’s a really hilarious joke in there.  Knock yourself out.  I’m moving on.

I imagine most of us, at one point or another, figured that all women of pornography must be the most attractive women out there, short of actual stars of stage and screen.  I also think that most of us now realize that this isn’t true, and I’m guessing that you, like me, didn’t need that long to figure that out.  I don’t know what the ratio of attractiveness is but I’m guessing that less then half of all women in porn are better than mildly attractive.  Of them, it’s probably less than half that are truly hot/sexy/cute or whathaveyou.  There must be much fewer who actually count as beautiful and maybe one or two in a lifetime that count as gorgeous or whatever.  I suppose these terms are subjective so take a hot second to understand that our definitions may not be the same but that I’m trying to convey a sort of attractiveness delta – the more attractive the less likely you are to find it in porn.  Maybe in the back-in-the-day I could watch a barely attractive women in porn but these days I really just can’t.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  Some of the pornchicks that I find attractive no longer appeal to me.  Really.  It’s not even a change in taste.  My best current example is Jenna Haze.  I think that chick is great.  As a person, she seems fairly intelligent and certainly business savvy.  She has a very pretty face and her petite body with just-a-bit supple ass are pretty rad in my eyes.  But I just can’t watch anything that she’s in anymore.  Between a handful of really awful and sometimes scary porno scenes she’s been a part of and a few really-over-the-fucking-top stage appearances at my local strip club, I have become some very turned off by her that I have stopped enjoying any of her scenes.  I can’t enjoy her regular scenes, anal, girl-guy-girl scenes, lesbian stuffs, stuffing lesbians, etc.  My mind always gets stuck on some kind of gross-assed grossness.

So I started wondering, “Are there any porn stars that I can actually still enjoy?”  At this point, I’m pretty sure that the vast majority of my porn viewing habits revolve around amateur, and I mean really amateur.  Not that stupid bullshit where it’s a full production video that just happens to have one or two people in the room that haven’t appeared in a few dozen videos.  Not the stupid “amateur” when all involved are internet porn celebrities.  You can fuck off with your stupid bang-bus bullshit.  Right now, my favorites would be hard to find.  It’s mostly just a couple or some mix of people with handy cams and smartphones taking pictures and videos of some real-ass sex (especially if it’s real ass-sex).  But there are some pornstars that I do still enjoy and sometimes watch.

I started a list.  I started teasing it some time ago.  I actually figured that I could bang out a quick top 10 list of porn stars that I love in a few days.  I was wrong.  For a few weeks, I couldn’t even think of three that didn’t completely repulse me.  I started to think that I should just pick a few that I’d never really seen and give a quick look-in.  If I didn’t full on hate the videos, I’d just go ahead and slip them into my list.  Make a quick write up.  Call it a post.  It wouldn’t be great and I wouldn’t feel great about it, but whatever.  Means to an end, right?

Then over the holiday breaks I found myself feeling… I don’t know, nostalgic? for some porn scenes that I remembered from eras past, both long gone and more recent.  I would look one up and realize that the lead female was a favorite.  After going through this a few times, I started to add them to my list.  I’d being sitting at home writing, reading, playing a game or whatever other screwing around I might be up to and think, “Oh yeah, what about that one video?  What was her name…”  Find another -> add to the list.  Now my list is too long and I need to start cutting.  On top of that, I can actually make a decent post out of it.  Now I just need to figure out how to handle making it possible for readers to easily find my favorite clips without making it too easy to get us all in trouble at work.  I have some ideas, but I’m open to suggestions.  So there it is – I’ll be doing a top ten (or so) porn stars that I actually something or other.  I’m not married to that name.

tl;dr – Evan Stone is fuck-off disgusting and ruins good porn.  Will someone please take that fucking horse out to the shed and put him out of my misery?

Fuck, he’s gross.  And it’s a real bummer about Jenna.  On looks alone, she really does something for me.