If you tuned into the live recording of some upcoming episodes of Three Guys Walk Into a Bar this past Thursday, then you know that I love Arby’s. I love having it in my belly. I love ordering the silly sounding sandwiches. I love requesting “Horsey Sauce”. I love eating it shirtless in the parking lot. . I love dipping the curly fries into the various sauces that I’ve squeezed out into the top part of the box that holds my Big Beef ‘n’ Cheddar. I love how much sauce the curly fry is capable of holding (the one advantage of the Chik-fil-a waffle fries that I cannot deny). I love their wacky sides and their willingness to experiment with new ideas. I really love it when they have one of their stupid-good deal, like the 5-for-5 thing or the half-price Arby Q or whatever. But above all, I just love their food, their most basic of sandwiches most of all. But what do I love most? Fuck, I don’t know. But I’ll try to go ahead and rank them right quick. How’s about that?
Aaron of Aaron’s Notes’s Most Love-The-Love-For-Lovin’ Favoritest Arby’s-Assed Arby’s Menu Items From The Menu at Arby’s That I Really Like – A Top 10 Quicklist For That Ass (brought to you by threeguys.info):
10. The Arby Q – Imagine the classic roast beef from Arby’s dipped in a sweet, smokey BBQ sauce. Now scratch that, ’cause it isn’t dipped. It’s dunked. Fucking drowning in that sauce, like a knockoff pit beef sandwich. I recently found out that while the Arby Q is usually just a rare promotional item on most menus (think, “McRib”), it’s actually a staple on the menu at my closest location. Maybe this is why it isn’t higher on the list. I think the same thing happened to this as did to the McRib for me. If you are still in love with either sandwich, then I envy you. I’m not. But I’m not such a dickhead that I can’t recognize just how great they are. Even if half the enjoyment is just the fun.
9. Cheesecake Bites – This item has become so rare that you can’t even find it on the corporate website. However – I have definitely ordered it within the past year. Now, I don’t have much of a sweet tooth. Given my horrific body and puffy face, you may find this hard to believe. Let’s just say it’s more of a gravy tooth that I have. But that doesn’t mean I don’t like sweets, and when there’s a good one, I come correct. Cheesecake bites are just that. They take bite-sized cubes of strawberry topped cheesecake, batter and deep fry them, and then put them in a box with a tasty dipping sauce for you to jam into your face. Fuck-yeah!
8. Classic Roast BeefSandwich- This may seem lame, but if you like the take of a roast beef sandwich, it’s right here. Quick, tasty, travel ready. Hard to beat.
7. Jr. Ham ‘n’ Cheddar – Except that there are seven more items on my list that I consider better. The Jr. Ham ‘n’ Cheddar, for one. It’s just a ham and cheese sandwich. But it’s not. Your granddaddy’s ham and cheese is some so-so Oscar Meyer slimy ham with a slice of stupid Kraft-flavorless-cheese-product. Fuck you. If I’m eating cheese product, it better be semi-liquid at room temperature, and that’s what Arby’s delivers. Add a little Horsey Sauce, and you’ve got yourself a nice afternoon.
6. Jalapeno Poppers – I love Jalapeno Popppers and you should, too. If you don’t know what they are, I’m not tellin’. Get your ass out there and order some. Spicy-salty-sweet. Crunchy-creamy-toasty. And raspberry dipping sauce on the side. That’s right.
5. Reuben – Aaron Fact: The Reuben is probably my all time favorite sandwich. I’m not completely sure about this, but I tend to crave and respect it more than most of my other favorite choices. This includes the wonder that is the BLT – a sandwich of note. So why isn’t the Reuben higher on this list? Because it’s not a lovingly prepared, all parts to perfection, true-to-form deli Reuben. It’s an Arby’s Reuben. Don’t get me wrong – they do a good job. It’s not amazing. Furthermore, it’s kinda pricey. If you compare it to the cost of a really good sandwich from a really good deli, it’s usually right around there (give or take). The taste and quality aren’t worth that price. On the other hand, sometimes the convenience and speediness are.
4. French Dip – Aaron Fact: The French Dip is probably my second favorite sandwich of all time. Nah… that’s probably not true. Steak and cheese, BLT, burger, taco, meatball sub… yeah. I just talked myself out of that one. Anyway, it’s still a pretty damn great sandwich. Arby’s has a take on it that I rather enjoy. It’s not quite the same as a real, traditional French Dip, but it’s still pretty good. In case you didn’t know, the basic idea is to pile up lots of hot, drippy beef slices onto a hot, crusty baguette. The awesomeness of this sammy is increased by having a bowl or ramekin of Au Jus (or fancy broth) in which to dip your ‘wich. Fuckin’ a right. The Arby’s version isn’t on a crusty roll but rather a more Italian style sub roll. Additionally, this has some slices of Swiss cheese. As with the Jr. Ham ‘n’ Cheddar, add a little Horsey Sauce. Fast food bliss awaits.
3. Shroom ‘n’ Swiss – I’ve never met a man who could call himself a man that didn’t enjoy those two toppings being combined and added to one of their favorite sandwiches. You like that burger? What if I added some sauteed mushrooms and a nice slice of melty Swiss cheese? Oh, you don’t want that? Get the fuck out.
2. Curly Fries – These tasty fries land in the “bendy-wet” category of fries, not the “crispy-dry” world. I’m usually not that into those, but when they are curly or waffled, some wetness is preferred. In addition to their fantastic sauce-grabbing powers, these fries pack a flavor punch by holding onto copious amounts of tasty seasonings and salt. Especially since they have so much surface area. They’re also just plain fun. However, they do have two drawbacks. Unlike the wet fries of McDonald’s or BK’s crispier joints, these fries become borderline disgusting if they get cold. Also, it doesn’t matter what temperature they are or what sauces you pair them with, you will feel overfed and greasy with any quantity greater than “Value Size”.
1. A regular sized Arby’s Melt – I love the Big Beef ‘n’ Cheddar. It has been my “go to” many times in the past. However, it’s a bit much. The regular sized Arby’s Melt, on the other hand, is the perfect balance of roast beef, “cheese” sauce, and bun. Too much bun makes the sandwich dry and cakey, which is why I’d steer clear of the Jr. Roast Beef. Too much cheese makes it wet and sloppy. Too much beef makes it hard to handle and too heavy on the gut. For me, this sandwich has found its own Golden Ratio. Plus – they’re small enough to eat two. What’s more fun that having one sandwich? Having two. Or three…
tl;dr – Arby’s Melt fucking rocks, but I like a lot of shit they make, even the stuff that a lot of people don’t like or a lot of real restaurants do better. Eat a dick.
Important note – don’t choose a Reuben if you’re out on a first date no matter where you have chosen to dine.