Teasing The Next Big Sex Chart

First off, it’s a sweet-assed chart and ya’ll’s gunna loves it, bitches.  But before you get a look at it, we need to set down some ground work.  I get asked about my pervy-ness from time to time and every now and then the questions trigger my inner monologue.  The wheels start turning and my crazy brain tries to cross reference this new shit with every old thing that’s ever passed it by.  In this case, I was asked what how a lady and I could possibly fill a full day’s worth of a sexual encounter.  I instantly started trying to backtrack every encounter that I could possibly remember, all the way back to my first time, and started to realize just how much my approach has changed as I’ve grown up.  The more and more I think about it, the more sorry I feel for my ex-girlfriends.  I must have been terrible.

I used to get a really strange mix of emotions whenever sex was on the way.  I was excited, nervous, horny, terrified, ecstatic, and so much more.  Above all, I couldn’t wait to do it but once it started I was caught between being terrified that I’d finish too early and the feeling that we needed to wrap this up as quickly as possible.  But that’s not really of any consequence now.  Now about 95% of my nervousness and concern are all upfront, and mostly revolve around me hoping I’m picking up the right signals (as to not be presumptuous or creepy), that I’m not misleading the chick, and that my body doesn’t look as awful as I know it does.  I only mention these things to say that I have become a lot more comfortable in the bedroom.  I’m more comfortable knocking boots than I am getting a lady over to knock boots, which is pretty new to me.  This comfort has allowed me to open up a lot more, and be more willing to do fun stuff or try out crazy stuff to find out if it is fun.  I do some stuff that people might find crazy or gross.  I also do things that people might find mundane or even crummy.  So I listed the stuff that I do.  Then I realized that I could do myself one better.

I’ve been logging the stuff that I do with ladies.

That’s right.

I’ve been keeping a sexy log.

It’s not a journal, so there isn’t much anecdotal information… let’s say, “Qualitative” and “Quantitative” data.  “We did this thing for that amount of time at this intensity.  I liked it this much, it looked like she liked it that much” as apposed to “Yo, she was nasty and fun and we did stuffs.”

I have occasionally logged how attractive the lady is, but that puts me down a path or reviewing a woman, which… seems really fucked up to me.  I’m not cool with the idea of treating another human being like that.  I am, however, cool with treating myself like a dog and taking information about an encounter that I can derive from the ladies that love to love to lovin’.

For my log and my sweet-assed chart, I had to come up with some names for some manuvers.  I suppose I could have just gone to urbandictionary.com, but sometimes I feel like people are making shit up just to make shit up and get on there.  Instead, I decided to make some shit up to make some sense of what happens in the bedroom.  Other terms are already established, but maybe not well known.  So here are ten sex terms that you should know:

10. Dry Humping – You should know this already.  You’re still fully or mostly clothed and you’re rubbing genitals against each other’s through said clothing.

9. Wet Humping – It’s like fucking, except that one part doesn’t actually go inside of that other part.

8. Ball Juggling – That’s when the lady plays with the dudes sack and eggs.  Also known as “Mind The Step-Children”.

7. Hot-Dogging – When the dude slips his hotdog between the lady’s buns and rubs it back and forth without actual insertion.  Like titty-fucking the butt cheeks.

6. Lotus Position – This is an old-assed position, chronicled in the Kama Sutra.  It’s like the dude sits down and then the lady sits on top of him what like… on him… and then like, they’re facing each other and like… that thing is in there and them boobs is sometimes in the face which is a lot of fun, and… yeah, look it up.

5. Reverse Cowgirl – Dude’s on his back, lady is on top like a cowgirl riding a horse, EXCEPT she’s facing towards his feet.

4. Topsy-Turvy – One person lays down on their back and the other person lays on top of them facing the other way.  The bits and pieces become coupled and the boning starts.  Note: this is really difficult if the male is poorly endowed, as am I.

3. The Shocker – Two in the pink, one in the stink.  It’s actually not a very good move, which explains why highschoolers came up with it.  You kids have terrible sex.

2. Assturbating – It’s just fingering one’s own butt, but man what a great term for it.

1. Airborne Finger – It’s when the lady (or anyone, really) slips a finger up the dude’s ass during sex.  In my experience, the ladies like to do this on the sly.  Bitches.

tl;dr – I’m turning my filthy adventures into a rad fucking chart, and here is some of the nomenclature that you need to decipher it.

You know, if some of these terms are new to you… maybe give it a try.  See if you like it.