A Long List of First World Problems

Today’s post is an excerpt from a conversation with a cofriendworkerperson about some random shit.  Lots of First World-assed problems, but I think a lot of people can relate:

That Chick: Guess what?!

Me: Chicken butt?

That Chick: Negative

Me: So… what the deal is?

That Chick: I can convert any number to binary and convert binary to numbers without a calculator

Me: Kickass, when did that happen?

That Chick: Yesterday

Me: ‘splain

That Chick: It was magical. The sad thing is I will never use this skill

Me: You never know. You might have to debug a program’s back end

That Chick: I studied for 6 damn hours.


Me: What’s the class, computer science?

That Chick: Some long title like that.

Every person in my english class is a child around 19

Me: Any of them hot?

That Chick: A few a cute.


Me: Well you end up being lab partners with some cute 19 year old chicks, you should mention that you know a guy with is own car.

That Chick: I sat next to two chicks with pink hair. Neither of them had paper. I was annoyed. One boy couldnt read. I weep for the future.

Me: How the fuck is someone that can’t read in college?

– Side note: you need to have those pink haired girls find me –

This is why I hate the world. I could actually do the coursework, I want a real-assed degree, and I want to use it for the real-assed work

but shit costs money, and the GI Bill doesn’t cover enough of it

but some dumbfuck who can’t stumble his way through a children’s book can get in with no trouble. I’ll bet he’s getting a business degree.

Sent at 8:54 AM on Monday

That Chick: You know Arbys pays 100% of it, right?

Me: 100% of courses that benefit the company

That Chick: And that dumbass that couldnt read…that was unreal.

Me: I’ll bet

Before him, have you ever met someone so stupid that you were confused by his mere existance?

That Chick: When he didnt know a word, he made one up.

Me: Wow

That Chick: Oblige was “oh-bleeg”

Me: Shut the fu… really?

That Chick: fervently was “feverishly”

Im looking at the story online now and the stupid is coming back to me.

Me: Story?

That Chick: What do yoy want to go back to school for?

We were reading a story out loud.

Illitterate Boy was the main reader.

Me: I still want to do Physics (Quantum being my preferred, Astro being my number 2)

That’s really funny.

That Chick: The teacher may just be a huge c-bag

Me: I’m not sure if I can still do the Math work required for it. I’m sure I’d have to retake some classes, too.

That Chick: Im going to take a few retard math classes

I cant do math

Me: I can, or at least used to be able to… but man, I’m slow these days.

That Chick: I forgot PEMDAS for shits sake

Me: You’d be surprised how many people remember the rule but don’t know how to use it.

Sent at 9:07 AM on Monday

Me: Do you see the deals all over the Groupon type sites today?

Sent at 9:33 AM on Monday

That Chick: No!

Me: That’s an emphatic response…

Um… anyway, a bunch of the deals are weightloss related

That Chick: Are you saying Im fat?

Me: You’re rather versed on the subject and seem more conenected to health and trends, so I was wondering if you’d heard anything about such programs?

That Chick: Where are these deals?

Me: I’m sayin’ I’m fat, and I’m looking for a thing that will kick off my things… let’s see

two of them are from the same company with one deal on groupon.com and another on doubletakedeals.com



I know the place is legit, I’m just wondering if you’ve heard any pros/cons on these B12 type things

I’ve asked the internet, but it’s full of assholes, crazies, and conspiritors.

That Chick: Lemme check it out!

Me: Wordzers

Sent at 9:42 AM on Monday

That Chick: So heres the deal. A friend of mine does that weight loss deal AND Ive asked my doctor.

Doc says its a load of baloney

Me: Fo-realz?

That Chick: The real business is they give you these pills

Give you crazy energy, you eat nothing. My friend dropped 40 lbs

Me: Yeah, that’s what I’m trying to do

That Chick: They also eff with your kidneys

Me: Hmm

That Chick: My doc refuses to prescribe them

Theyre in the phen/fen family

Me: Bastards

But I wonder… if it’s just a month or two, I might just be alright with that

That Chick: They wont perscribe them for more than 2 months

Me: I know this is a similar program to that WeightNot, which I know gets results like the dickens, but is also like over $1000

That Chick: Id skip all that and buy the acupuncture one

Now that works!

Me: I actually think I might do both, even with the kidney warning

I just think my current fatness is more detrimental to me than anything else in my life

even the drink

That Chick: Yeah. I think about it too

Me: I actually ate shitty and drank too much Friday night because I was fat. I woke up in the morning and thought, “That’s the stupidest thing, and I bet I do it all the time.”

That Chick: I know for a fact I do. I undo my great week of eating every weekend without fail

Me: It’s the fuckin’ worst

And poor (dude we know), put on a bunch of the weight we lost

I don’t want to be in that boat.

That Chick: I just dont understand it

He did? 🙁

Me: Yeah, but not all of it, and I’m sure he’ll drop the weight again later

but sometimes he’ll sit at an angle that really shows his gut, and I’m like, “Dude… you had it! What happened?!?”

That Chick: love happened. It makes you fat

Me: The last time I was in love – like the for realz kind – I dropped about 20 lbs.

It was a really big deal for me to look good

That Chick: Really?

I hate being gross

Me: Yeah, that’ how shit works for me. When I’m in a serious relationship, I take great care of myself and really jack a chick up in bed

That Chick: Youre silly…and delusional

Me: I do the whole flowers on random days and romance and shit stuff, too. I hate it when couples start out all hot and heavy and turn into the stereotypical “Married Couple” that take each other for granted and don’t ever do anything for eachother outside of what’s required or the norm

It’s part of how my best relationship unraveled. I was still doing the romance, but it became obvious that I was distant. She said it was like I wasn’t there, and I guess I wasn’t. That whole war thing kind preoccupied me

I don’t know why the crap I’m being so open this morning.

Must be really great coffee.

That Chick: I like it. 🙂

Me: You know what, I think this just wrote my blog post for the day.

If you don’t mind, that is.

That Chick: War might preoccupy you a bit.

Of course not. 🙂

tl;dr – Life can sometimes be a real dick.

It really is a good cup of coffee, and the beans are only a little better than mediocre.  It’s that Aeropress.  Man, that thing rocks.