I need a new “Fuck-It” breakfast

Back during my week of breakfast themed posts, I mentioned my go to “fuck-it” breakfast.  The breakfast was a large black coffee and and a ham, egg, and cheese English muffin sandwich.  It’s a pretty tasty choice to begin with, but I’m sure this sammy isn’t blowing any of your tits off.  Noone reading this right now is going, “Oh, shit, they make those with ham?  Why th… when the fuck did they start making muffins in England?  This is fucking amazing!  Bring me a dozen!  It’s time for a celeb…”  That’s not happening anywhere.  The important parts of this selection are derived from the needs a “Fuck-It” breakfast has to meet.

A “Fuck-It” breakfast, or really a “Fuck-It” meal or snack or just food in general is basically what you eat when you give the fuck up.   You know how you should be eating, you know what you should drink, you know you should work out instead of sitting no the couch, you know you should do some work instead of dicking around on the internet, and you know you have more than enough time to make and eat oatmeal at home you lazy dickface.  Even knowing that, even being all on top of your health, you know that sooner or later you’re going to fuck up and wake up late or hung over or shitty and you’re going straight to a McGriddle or some other stupid choice.  You’re going into a huge fat bomb with little nutritional value for way too much money.  But if you do just a little bit of pre-work, you might be able to avoid making a huge mistake, like getting a large box of BK’s liar “hash browns”.

Not pictured: Pride or Self Respect.

The HEC English Muffin and black coffee from the King of Burgers is 260 calories and WAS a little over $2.  That was back when it was on the dollar menu.  I think the dollar menu has been renamed to the value menu and there’s a lot of shit on there that costs more than a buck and the English muffin isn’t even on it anymore.  It has slowly been raising in price over the last few years.  It just raised to my breaking point.  It now costs about $4.80.  For two things.  One of those things is coffee, which should cost slightly less than dick at a fast food joint.  That’s too much.  That’s Starbucks coffee and I’m not okay with it.  Today I went for what used to be my favorite and part of how I ballooned up to 300 pounds a while back – the Cheesy Bacon BK Wrapper Meal.

At 380 calories, the Cheesy Bacon BK Wrapper is already a huge mistake, but the meal includes two TWO fuckin’ things a drink and greasy sack of “hash browns”.  Better yet – let’s make it all a large, so now my 740 calories of Cheesy Bacon BK Garbage Rollups has 670 extra calories of grease covered starch.  The coffee should not be the healthiest part of the meal.  How the fuck do I not have diabetes?  The most upsetting thing is that it costs only a quarter A FUCKING QUARTER more than my much healthier and much smaller muffin and coffee.  What the fuck?

I’ve started jumping all over people when I hear them say wrong shit that I know they’re just repeating from news or some idiots they listen to.  Stuff like, “The Prius costs so much more than…” or “NASA costs so much that…”  That shit is whack.  Also whack – “Eating healthy costs too much”.  That’s so incorrect it makes me pissed.  A five pound bag of rice is about $5.  A pound of chicken is bucks.  Ten buck just bought you several meals.  Chicken and rice might be a little boring on their own, but they are healthy and they are cheap as fuck and spices go a long way.  Sriracha does fucking wonders.  Some magazines have meal planning sections for a healthy week under $50! What the fuck do people think counts as eating healthy?  Is the only way to lose weight in your mind to only eat papayas and sushi-grade tuna?  The fuck did you get your information from?

And then I see shit like this Burger King bullshit where my five dollars can either get me one okay sandwich and a coffee or it can get me a fucking grease bus.  Of course I’ll take the grease bus, my wallet won’t allow me to do otherwise.  So yes, I do get that there are situations where the healthier choice (or in this case, less unhealthy) is the same price or more expensive.  And it’s bullshit.

That covers cost and calories.  The other big factors for a winning “Fuck-It” breakfast are speed and convenience.  I could eat that English muffin in the car or at your desk at work.  I don’t have to do anything except for order and pay.  My BK is on the way to work and the weekday morning crew is a bunch of sandwich slayers.  I mean, these dudes and chicks never fuck up an order, are quick, polite, nice, friendly, and generally awesome.  It is was a great choice, but now one of the factors my “Good Fuck-It” breakfast equation has deviated too far.  I see that they have oatmeal there, but I’m sure it costs too much.  Plus, it’s fucking oatmeal.  I’m not ordering oatmeal from any restaurant, fast food or sit down.

So this is what I think I’m going to start doing.  I’m going to do some research on instant, single serving oatmeal thingies.  I’m going to stash a shitload of those and spoons and bowls and whatever else I need to make that work in my “food drawer” at my desk at work.  Yes I have a “food drawer”, everyone that works at a desk does.  Mine is currently empty, save some chewing gum.  I already researched the lowest calorie bagels and English muffins to keep at home and I already have a huge canister of Quaker Quick Oats.  I’ve figured out how to do eggs without killing my heart.  I already replaced my Chef Boyardee Poop-ina-can with healthier boxed meals.  It’s time I “Aaron Proofed” my breakfasts a little better.

tl;dr – FUUUUUUUUCK OATMEAL!!!  But really, I should be eating more oatmeal.

Anyone have some good breakfast stuff I can stash in my desk?  Have a favorite instant oatmeal brand?  Also, I’m not a big fan of breakfast bars but I’m open to suggestions.

Oh, a thing on comments – I think I may have “spammed” some comments from real people so if you commented and it didn’t show up here, sorry about that.  The spam I get on this site in uncanny.  I should really get an auto spam filter thingy…