One of my favorite things on the internet

When I’m on the internets, checkin’ out hook-up sites, doin’ my thang, you know… creepin’… anyway, when I’m digitally thumbing through the profiles of women on the web, one of my favorite things is reading the crazy shit people write on their profiles.  Before I throw stones, I have to admit that my own profiles on such sites are typically pretty crazy, but hey – fuck you.

This dickish activity of mine has led to a semi-regular and apparently enjoyed segment on Three Guys Walk Into a Bar – a popular internet sexy-times-butt-love show – known as Screwed Profiles.  That segment tends to highlight the craziest, sexiest, and dumbest of the profiles, but there are other types that I enjoy reading.  Here’s my current favorite kick – profiles with extremely mismatched content.  The best phrase I can come up with for it is “Uncanny Dissonance”.  It’s as if one hand doesn’t know what the other is doing.  I come across dozens of profiles like this, and in many ways.  The angry-inducing version is when a chick painstaking describes the type of guys she’s trying to avoid and how much she hates that type of person and as I read, I start to feel like I get where she’s coming from.  Then I move on to the next paragraph describing the man she does want, and it’s the exact same guy.  It’s as if she handed it off to be written by a completely different person, and never bothered to check it.

About Me:

I know I have a good body, but I’m more than that.  I am sooo sick of jerks.  You know, I’m more than a piece of meat.  Get to know me.  I want a calm, loving, sensitive type.  Listen to me, don’t just sit there and watch football, drinking beer and ignore me.  Stay in with me sometimes and we’ll just talk about thing, you know?

About My Date:

I want a real man.  Not some video game playing dork who won’t appreciate my hot body.  Don’t bore me with talk about your dumb job.  Let’s go out for drinks and watch the game!  And I DON’T CUDDLE!

Chances are, this concept isn’t completely new to you.  We all have that one friend that “hates bitchy chicks” and “hates drama” and “can’t stand girls like that”, but always ends up dating “that broad” who is a total cunt and always brings tons of drama.  For the ladies, feel free to swap out the gender specific words in this scenario to fit that one friend you have.  Hates “dicks, jerks, and emotionless blah blah blah”, but always dates total dickhead jerks that never listen and don’t care.  Hell, it may be you.  Actually, I’ll bet we’ve all done that one at least once, and I’m guessing this already has a technical term in Psych circles.

However, there’s an uncanny dissonance in some profiles which I find simultaneously sexy, confusing, occasionally creepy, and hilarious.

About Me:

I’m pretty quiet and keep to myself.  I’m a kindergarten teacher and volunteer at an orphanage.  I LOOOOOVEEE kids and dogs.  They’re soooo wonderful!  I like to walk in the park and enjoy sunny days.  I like to hang out at a nice cafe with my friends or spend time with my family and blah blah saccharine sweet blah.

About My Date:

I want you to fuck me stupid.  Love it when a guy covers my mouth, holds my throat, and whispers things in my ear like, “sssshhh” and “keep quiet”.  I want you to lick my asshole and slap me.   Smack my ass until it turns red and bleeds!  Blah blah practically a snuf film blah.

I am familiar with the concept of “lady in the streets, freak in the sheets”.  In fact, I rather prefer that type of woman.  However, to shift gears from “I love kids and am a super-caring person” to “choke my asshole with your hatecock” is a bit unsettling.  I mean, how do those two concepts fit together in the puzzle of your mind?  Can you draw me a map?  ‘Cause I can’t seem to Mapquest that one.

tl;dr – It’s great when what you say in one part of your profile doesn’t at all match what you’ve said in another part.  It confuses me deeply, and I laugh at you.

Yeah, that’s about it.

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