Kitchen Tools – Part 3

My Mostest Useless Assed Kitchen Tools Which Suck Because They Suck

5.  Spice Grinder – This thing is actually really cool, but I never have whole spices other than pepper corns.  That effectively makes it fuckin’ useless in my kitchen.  At least it was cheap, ’cause who knows if/when it’ll ever get used.

4.  Micro Grater/Zester – What a waste of money.  Though, to be fair, I think I just bought the wrong kind.  The kind I bought doesn’t so much zest my lemons as much as it makes a huge mess and ruins my sponges.  It really is junk, and I should just throw it out and get something worthwhile.

3.  Silicon Collapsible Collinder – This one wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great, either.  I say “wasn’t” because I don’t have it anymore.  I don’t have it anymore because after about a year or so of perfectly normal use, the bottom ripped open.  This sent a few servings worth of pasta into my sink and, sadly, slithering down into my drain in record time.  That really sucked ass.

2.  Spider Strainer – This thing is totally great and absolutely worth the money except for one thing – I don’t fry things very often.  I also almost never deep fry, which is the main reason to have something like this.  Mine has been used exactly once since buying it a year ago.  That was a really smart buy.

1. 100% Silicon Baking Pans – Seriously, these things suck donkey balls.  Actually, they don’t completely suck, which is what really makes them suck.  The totally do the thing that they are advertised to do – not stick to the thing you’re baking.  It does that like crazy, every time.  The problem is, they have no real structure.  No real support.  So when I put my bread dough in the bread pan or some cookies in the shallow pans, it’s a massive pain in the ass to safely get them in or out of the oven.  The sides of the bread get all dicked up, and… man, it’s just not worth it.  If the pans were of a size that I could use them as a liner, that might be something.  But they aren’t.  They are meant to be used as stand alone baking gear, and they just suck at it.


That’s it for my cooking tools and for this week.  We’ll get back to being silly and nasty next week.  Maybe I’ll talk sex toys next week or something.