If you read yesterday’s post, you know that I’m a big pervert, a big fool, and a big time troller for booty on the internet. What you may not know is that the “Drawing Boobs” post was not my first forray into the seedy world that is internet related sex. In fact, it has been well documented on Three Guys Walk Into a Bar – a popular internet based audio program – that I have used the internet to try to do the sex before. What may not have been mentioned is that I have had considerably more failures than successes in this online booty quest. I don’t really remember if I’ve mentioned this, as I have spent several a show intoxicated, but I’m pretty sure I’ve never gone in depth on the subject. Here’s how it usually goes. I’ll write something stupid, like:
Pretty nice night, right? What are you up to? Want to hook up for some no-strings attached sex? Reply and we’ll set something up.
You can probably tell that isn’t very good, but I got ya’ just in case you don’t. Rest assured, it nets me few to no responses, and those responses I do receive are less than desirable. If I had to guess, here is how the above translates to women:
I’m a piece of shit guy with basically nothing to offer, but I’d still like to put my penis in you. How does that sound? Terrible, right? Yeah, it really would be. Also, I have no plan as to when, where, or how we should actually do this. I’m also spineless, unimaginative, and can’t even suggest a single idea of how I might want the encounter to go. Are you enticed yet? Of course not. Feel free to ignore my sad plea in favor of a guy with a sexy picture, a plan, or an offer of a free meal.
Sometimes it goes like:
Let’s meet for some drinks and conversation, and see where the night will go.
Which probably translates into:
I’ve fuckin’ never closed a deal, and I’m hoping that tonight is the night a woman will help me lose my “V”-card, ’cause I think I’ve watched enough Pickup Artists and porno to get my peacock on and show off my swagga’. Avoid me at all costs, as even if I can convince you to have sex with me, it won’t be pleasant and will likely be followed by copious amounts of tears.
Now’s a good time to find your seat, ’cause this fail-train is just gettin’ started’!:
Attention ladies of the area – I want to eat some pussy tonight! Drop me a line, and let me get you off!
If you think my dick can last more than one full minute, then you think wrong! I’m going to do my best impression of a guy that knows what he’s doing in bed, ’cause I really don’t have a clue! You might get an orgasm, but you won’t be satisfied! ATTENTION ALL YOU LADIES WITH NASTY, STANKY COOTERS: This is your cue to take advantage of my possibly alright skills and complete lack of confidence! Bring it on out, ’cause I’ll have no idea how to turn you down even if it smells like the docks and looks like a firecracker went off in it! Rest assured – once your pants come off, this is happening!
I’ve had marginal (and often strange) success when staying fairly vague but letting on that I’ve got some ideas, like:
I’m all alone, horny, and very perverted. Come over to my place and let me explore your body. I’m down for just about anything, just ask.
The thing is, this kind of post lends itself to too much interpratation. It could read like anything, including:
I could be a lot of fun, but I might also be waaaaay more dirty than you are even kind of okay with. You could ask, but if I’m a creeper, you’re just about to open yourself up to some pretty rough harassment. It’s best to not even ask. If you’re willing to take the chance, I’m probably a nasty fucker that you can get to do anything. Bring your most vomit-inducing fetishes and plan to abuse me. Oh, did I not a preference? That’s because I’m desperate and will take anything. Don’t bother sending a picture. I’m just gunna say “yes” anyway.
Or try something like this on for size:
Are you a hot, sexy women? I’ll come over to your place and we can have a really good time.
Which I can only imagine translates as:
I’m gunna fuckin’ rape you. Not “role-play” rape. Real rape. Will I also kill you? I’m not sure about that just yet, but the rape thing – that’s happening.
Which really doesn’t seem like a good selling point to me.
I feel like these experiences should have taught me a lot, so let me try to string some of that together. I find that my use of dirty words for dirty things tends to go over poorly. Being specific returns mixed results. Being vague gets more interest but considerably fewer successes (like more applications but less hires). Being completely nonspecific nets very little interest and usually no successes at all. Getting filthy is usually bad. Writing less than a paragraph is usually bad. Bragging is usually bad. Being self deprecating is usually bad. Being cool is usually bad. Being a normal person is usually bad. Being really weird is usually bad. Being and writing fucking anything is usually pretty bad.
tl;dr – It’s really not going to go well, so get ready to fail at this, too.
I feel like I’m not really helping anyone, but am instead just proving how terrible of a person I am. I should share what has worked and why I think that “Drawing Boobs” post worked out for me in my next post. Also – how to get buttsex.