Let’s Do A Chart About Sex

Here’s another thing that I do that’s maybe a little strange, and I wonder if I’m alone on it.  It’s difficult to really explain, so I’ll show some charts and graphs and nipple rings to help get my point across.  It has been well documented here that I am a fan of knocking the boots.  It has also been noted that I dig on some pretty filthy stuff.  I get pretty ramped up for the naughty lovin’, and that’s just fine.  There are things that I enjoy and almost never get, and other things that I don’t really enjoy but aren’t difficult to find.

This is going to be another long one, so if you can’t be bothered, just scroll down to the “tl;dr” to get the gist and check out the charts.

I need to start making sense right about five sentences ago, so let’s give it another try.  In all of my sexual fantasies, there are some acts that I desire considerably more than anything else.  Let’s make a scale about this.  Let’s start by putting “Vaginal Intercourse, Non Specific Position” as “Neutral” or “Zero” on this scale.  If you’ve read earlier posts, you’ll know that I found Ye Olde Missionary Position to be my favorite (for some reason that I’ve yet to figure out), I’m not in anyway saying that the vaginal lovin’ is bad.  Rather, I’m saying that it isn’t something which excites me.  It’s just something that is expected during a typical sexual encounter, unless otherwise noted.

Starting with regular ol’ Vag’ as “Zero” on a scale of sexual desire, let’s construct this graph ranging from negative five to a positive five (also commonly known as “Five”).  Things that I find completely unappealing and fucking gross are at the “Negative Five” side – kid touchin’, scat, vomit, sex with animals, etc.  To be clear – putting all of these things at -5 doesn’t mean they are all equal in society, but that I will never, ever do them.  I really don’t care how hot you are or how drunk I am.  These things are off the table.  “Positive Five” is what I’m super-excited about doing.  Stuff that I’m always up for, will actively pursue, get’s me all hot and bothered, and so on.  This is all desire in this chart, so it “The idea of doing (This Thing) excites me (-5 through 5) amount”, and not “(This) feels (that) good”.  Ya’ dig?

There’s a lot of stuff in between totally gross and totally hot, and I’ll bet that plenty of people find each other’s “hot” to be pretty nasty.  I guess that’s how the lube dribbles.  Well, here’s what I’ve sketched up:

This chart is actually really big. Click it a few times to see it in full size.

The above chart illustrates a few things, but most notably my extreme desire for the filthy nasty.  If, however, I did a similar chart but for how enjoyable those sexual activities actually are (the “(This) feels (that) good” thing), it would be a slightly different story.  I’m not going to make/show such chart, as it is a little bananas, and this is gettin’ real dumb, real quick.  What I will do, however, is show a chart that combines these results:

Yeah, like this is more helpful.

What I hope the above chart shows is the disconnect that I’ve been trying to describe between what I enjoy and what I want.  Yes, I do get very excited for some buttlovin’.  I’m sure that any armchair psychiatrist would be all types of ready to blow their load over whatever personality flaws they must attribute to such desires, but whatever.  That fact remains that I get all amped up for it.  More importantly, it is also incredibly enjoyable.  That makes perfect sense.  It feels good -> I know it feels good -> I want it.  The odd things are on the curve following “Buttsex” and the anomalous plot points that lie off of the curve.  Notably, I’m just as excited for a BJ as I am for a great BJ.  I think that’s just because I’m cynical and never expect any one mouthhug to be any better than a previous one.  That being said, a great BJ does feel better than normal anal (though great anal wasn’t plotted, so… well).  My excitement for all types of vaginal intercourse are about the same, even though I know full well that it will almost always feel good and that certain factors will make it more enjoyable.  Certain positions make the act feel better, as changing the angle allows for deeper penetration and/or a more narrow passage.  Some women are tighter, wetter, or know more how to work it better.  This isn’t really something that I hold against anyone or whatever.  I’m just noting that it happens.  For Science.

I have almost no excitement for any vaginal intercourse, even though it feels fantastic.  However, I get all ramped up to  “Motorboat” some boobies, and I really don’t get anything out of it.  I also actively do not want (and occasionally avoid) handjobs, though I must admit to enjoying it when it does happen.  I’m way too excited to finger a chick, but at least I do get enjoyment from it.  Something about getting a lady off really works for me.  If I had the time and self awareness, I could really plot the fuck out of this graph.  In case you’re wondering, the unlabeled points are those that either aren’t interesting or are somewhat embarrassing.  So that’s it for now.

tl;dr – Buttsex is as good as it sounds, I’m not excited for some things that are better, I’m more excited for something that is not as good.

I think I should replicate this thought experiment with other aspects of life.  Like with food, entertainment, and booze.  I’m sure there are plenty of things that I’m way more excited for than I actually enjoy in those areas.

So what about you sexual desires?  How does your excitement for something stack up against your enjoyment of actually doing it?  Is your state melting down because motherfuckers can’t reconcile their bullshit agendas with the real world?  Should I use more crayons?