I’ve been trying to get my weight loss on for the past few… forever. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, and that I’ve been making a bigger push as of late. In fact, even after a particularly unhealthy weekend, I still managed to kick one whole deck chair off of the ol’ Titanic (to borrow a phrase). I’ve been eating better and getting more exercise, and that’s really the only way to do it. The exercise is the subject of today’s list. I’m doing it more often, for longer durations, and at greater intensity. I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t have done what I’m doing now about three months ago, but I’ve been making incremental increases at a measured pace to reduce injury. The immediate fatigue and next-day-soreness are present (a good sign that it’s working) but not debilitating (a good sign that I didn’t done fucked it up). I’m still fat as all hell, but I can actually feel my overall fitness level increasing. I really dig that. Plus my jeans don’t feel so tight.
Anyway, this has me thinking about exercises. This may be hard to believe, but I was actually the lead Physical Training Instructor for my last post in the military. And let me tell ya’ somethin’, brrrother, people used to fucking dread when I was feeling great on a Friday morning. I’d PT everyone so hard that they’d be dragging their dicks in the dirt and whining their little sissy asses off all the way back to the squadron showers. Boo hoo hoo 🙁 I was brutal, and I loved it. We had a whole system – which I’m rebuilding and may share here some day – that was worked out so I could run it how I wanted and people thought they were getting a choice. Of course if Military Aaron ran Current Aaron’s PT, I’d probably die before finishing the first session. That being said, I’d really like to get somewhere close to Military Aaron’s level of fitness. So in the spirit of that better fitness and dickish glory of times past, here’s a list of some of my favorite workouts – both for individuals and groups.
Aaron’s Top Ten Excellent Exercise Engagements for Excelsior Ergonomic Endurance, Egghead:
10. “Diamond Push-ups” – Get in the push-up position, but bring your hands together beneath you so your forefingers and thumbs touch and the inside forms a diamond. If you do these regularly, it’s not that bad. If you don’t, it’s quite a workout and a good way to remind yourself why you need to exercise more.
9. “Bicycle Crunchers” – On your back with your hands behind your head (or on your shoulders) like you’re going to do crunchers. Left leg extended out and right leg up, bent towards your chest. Your left elbow almost touching our right knee and your right elbow is further back.. Now pull your left knee toward your chest while extending your right leg out and switching elbows so your right elbow is almost touching your left knee. Now do that a bunch like you’re peddling that imaginary bicycle.
8. “Flutter-Kicks” – Lie on your back with your hands underneath you (I like to use them to cushion my coccyx). Hold your legs about two to three inches from the ground. Raise your right leg to about a 45 degree angle. Now drop your right leg down to a few inches while bringing your left leg up to a 45 degree angle. Alternate for a while. The way we did it was “by the four count” – meaning that “Left, Right, Left, Right” was “One, two, three, four” and that equaled a count of “One”. Do that 20 times for a warm-up. I’ve also heard these called “Scissor Kicks”
7. “Shoulder Rotations” – From a standing position with the best posture you can muster, mister, extend your arms directly out so you form a big ol’ “t”. Now make circular motions with your arms. Every time your hand goes all the way around the circle, that’s one rotation. If you’re doing them “By the four count”, then four rotations equals a count of “One”. It’s kinda silly looking and seems pretty easy, but try doing 100 by the four count before you talk shit.
6. “V-Ups” – It’s basically a double-ended sit up. Lie on your back and do a sit-up while bringing your knees to your chest. Add this to your regular routine, and you might just start seeing abs before you die.
5. “Mountain Climbers” – Start in the push-up position but with your ass all the way in the air, your head down, and your right leg forward. In one smooth motion, shoot your right leg back and bring your left leg forward. Now switch. Do that a bunch of times and climb that imaginary mountain.
4. “Porn Stars” – Bend over, spread your legs a little more than shoulder width apart, stick your hands through your legs and wrap them around your ankles from the inside. At this point, your ass is in the air and your head is kinda down-ish. Keeping your hands around the backs of your ankles, squat down so your butt almost touches the ground. Then go back to the original position. That’s “1”. Try that 20 times. Just like with real porn stars, it’s okay to vomit a little off camera.
3. “Wind Sprints” – I’ve heard these called “Indian Sprints” (and I don’t know why) or “One Ups” (which I could swear was some other exercise). You need at least 5 runners. Everyone forms a single-file line and takes off at a medium pace. After a few minutes (warm up), the runner in the back of the line sprints as fast as he/she possibly can to the front of the line. As soon as that person makes it to the front, the new person in the back busts out their full-power-sprint. Continue this trend. It’s not long before you’re back at the end of the line and have to sprint up to the front again. The beauty of this exercise is, having more runners and thus giving you more time in between sprints doesn’t make it easier. It just means you have to sprint further! HA, MOTHER FUCKERS, HA!
2. Buttsex – This isn’t a clever nickname to a real workout. I just think it’s a fantastic physical activity.
1. “Dive-Bomber Push-Ups” – a) Start in the normal push-up position. b) guns to the ground/tail in the air. c) begin bending your arms and lowering your face at the ground as if you are an aircraft on a bombing/strafing run. d) continue your bombing run and start making bombing/strafing sounds (you really need to do this part). e) As you reach the bottom, point your pelvis/junk into the target and your head up to the sky (as if you are pulling up hard from your extremely low bombing run). Don’t forget the sound effects – the more cartoonish the better. f) start getting your ass/tail back in the air. g) start to level back out (engine noises would be appropriate) h) back to the starting position – and take a big breath for the next bombing run. (see picture). This is best done in a large group so that you all look and sound like dumbasses. The exercise is pretty good on its own, but the irregular breathing and inevitable group laughter add quite a bit extra.
tl;dr – If you really didn’t feel like reading it, well… at least there were pictures, right?
By the way, I’ve been giving a few of these another try over the last few weeks. Wow, I was in such better shape back then. I thought I was going to crap out my insides through my mouth during the Dive-Bomber Push-Ups. So give some of these a try for yourself and tell me what you think. I’d also love to hear about your favorite exercises. Or just your regular rotation. Do you exercise? When and where? Mind doing it in the nude and leaving your windows open? When the hell is Charlie Sheen going to die?