Before we get started, I’d like to mention something. I gots me that iPhone 4. Phone machine! I’m pretty stoked about that, but I’d really like it if I could just get used to the thing. I’d like it even more if Verizon would quit acting like they invented it or cracked the fucking Unified Theory. Cunts.
Alright, let’s bust this down with the categories I gave myself for… myself. Hmm. Yeah, well… always got time to play with myself. I was jumping the gun a bit by the end of Part 1, which was intended to only define my parameters (if you haven’t checked it out… I mean… you still can). I’ve also become very wordy, so I’m going to break this up into some smaller chunks. So for the next few, I’m going to break down what I actually like.
Just like before, this comes first because it is the easiest to define and understand. Additionally, I can get dirty with this real easy, and I think I know my audience. Nasty ass mutha…
Face – Oddly enough, I find this one difficult to pin down. I know that roundness and fullness are typically highly prised among real-assed people (Jessica Biel, Beyonce, that chick from Firefly). The thin, angular faces are preferred for model type things (Olivia Wilde, Skinny-assed models, that other chick from Firefly). I can pretty well run the gamut, but there are definitely those I like a lot more than others. I’m actually thinking about doing some kind of crazy picture-show with my ratings… that seems a little self indulgent. Anyway, studies say that the biggest factors are symmetry, proportion, and youthfulness. I find these to be true, but most also note the “heart shaped” face as generally being voted as the most attractive. I’m not really sure if I get what they’re saying, but the examples they show are pretty hot. This is dragging on, and I’m getting anywhere near an explanation. It’s a face that I want to make out with, wake up next to, and have near my junk. No snaggle teeth.
Hair – It just needs to be healthy or nonexistent. I’m not trying to be snobby, but I think it’s a pretty good indicator of health. I mean, if you’re prematurely balding from a bad roll in DNA roulette, then all I can say is “Sorry”.
Eyes – I can dig on the super-round Western eyes and the “almond shaped” (hate that term) Eastern eyes. It doesn’t much matter to me what color they are, and don’t prefer blue over brown. I do really like green eyes. I think it’s because it is so odd. Really, it’s more of a striking thing. When the irises are all types of bright and shiny, the sclara is clear, and pupils aren’t fuckin’ crazy. I understand that a yellowed, brown, or reddish sclara could also be a loss in the DNA roulette toss, but I don’t care. I like ’em clear.
Eyebrows – I’d like to reiterate on this. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR EYEBROWS. I knew a girl in middle school who had no eyebrows at all. I never confirmed this, but I’m pretty sure she had no hair on her head and wore a wig. I recognized that was odd (and would later learn it was probably Alopecia), but her other features were very attractive to young, middle school Aaron. I’d bet she’s hot today. The only ONLY times that your eyebrows matter are if they are fuckin’ crazy. Though they were apparently hot in the back in the day, I think that unibrows are gross.
- Skin Color, Shade, & Tone – Common knowledge to those that know me, I like black chicks. I really like really dark skin (shade). But really, there isn’t any particular skin color that I don’t like. I’m sure that someone will find this offensive, but I’d totally bang a blue chick. If it is you that found that offensive, kindly go fuck yourself. I’ve now read about half a dozen studies and analyses of this stuff, and I really don’t think I understand “Tone”. I think it’s a semantics thing.
- Consistency – Color may be a pretty low factor for me, but consistency matters a lot. Splotchy skin seems unhealthy. I’m not talking about birthmarks, scars, or freckles. I’m not the type to call a mole or birthmark a “beauty-mark”, but they don’t really bother me (unless it’s a mole that’s way the fuck out of control). Think a scar could add character. They usually don’t, but also usually don’t bother. I find freckles occasionally hot. But they gotta be fo-realzy. Like, not “a” freckle here or there. I’m talkin’ a shitload of ’em. So check out this (likely NSFW) chick with freckles. Also, Olivia Munn, Emma Watson, that chick from “Fringe”, and that super-busty chick from that show I don’t watch. Even then, there’d better be some consistency. The best way I can describe it as that the skin resembles some delicious desert. Single-flavor icecream, yogurt, pudding, butter – something that I want in my mouth with little to no chewing. Cinnamon and caramel? Fuck yeah. Toffee that can melt in my mouth? Sure. Toffee with nuts crumbled on top? Not so much.
- Size – don’t care. Big, small, medium. A new study says that the average woman’s bra size has gone up from the 36C of the past decade to a 36D. Big ol’ boobs, ya’ll. They’re everywhere.
- Perkiness – pretty big deal to me. This isn’t the most important thing ever, but has been known to trump size and cleavage. If they are super perky, I want them in my mouth. I’ve actually picked a chick with some B’s (looked more like A’s, actually…) over another chick with some D’s ’cause they were so perky. They were all, “Hey, how’s it goin’? I bet you’re really like to pop me in your mouth, wouldn’t you? It’s been a lovely day!”
- Roundness/fullness – Sadly, this is often inversely proportional to perkiness. Not sadly, there are lovely B and C cups out there to brighten my day. Not always, but often enough they call out to me with perkiness and roundy-fullness singing, “What a lovely day to do the lady all downward dog, gripping onto us lovelies while they bounce up and down. Later on, she’ll be on top and we’ll be slapping you in the face! OH JOY!!!”
- Firmness – You might think this was covered between perkiness and roundness, but it really isn’t. Firmness often can’t be seen, but rather has to be touched. You can probably guess after touching a lot. Anyway, the firmness that I prefer is firm, but with some give. Kind of like a perfectly fresh citrus (though not quite). Melons are far too firm. What am I grabbin’ here, a muscle? Whatever. Perfectly fresh pears are way too squishy, even assuming that my thumb doesn’t go through the skin, which… is really not something that I want. Avocados get pretty close, but the skin being so rigid with the flesh being so squishy… just not a good balance. Some fake boobs are far too firm, while some feel a lot like a loosely filled water bed. I’m not into either. In fact, I’m often just not into fake boobs. I mean, if they’re great then they’re great. But really, I like the more on the firm side with nice give and great bounce – B’s & C’s win again (if you’re keeping track).
- Cleavage – is a fuckin’ lie. I’ve actually heard some really interesting (and hilarious) observations and hypotheses about what the deal is with cleavage and why it attracts men so much. I admit that it can be a real eye catcher, but as I am very inquisitive and very pervy, I am absolutely going to wonder further. I am going to try to get a better look at the sides, the bottom, the shape. A lot of women use their cleavage as a trick. I can’t blame you ladies for this – it’s a fuckin’ battlefield out there. Still, I’m onto you. If I see that the bottom of your rack is abnormally high, you’re either cheating or your boobs are weird. If they’re all V’ed in on the side? – Trick or weird. Is it obvious that your bra is two sizes too small? – Trick or you didn’t learn right. Square or somehow angeled? Trick or weird.
- “Radness” – Indescribable thing that we all know when we see. Katy Perry does not have the biggest, firmest, roundest rack in showbiz, but man are those sweater cows amazing! I’m not the type of guy that’s into titty fucking, but man… yeah. I’d totally try to angle for that with her.
- Proportion – The cop out way to describe this is to say that I want it to be a perfect balance of the things that I like from the other subcategories listed above. Done.
Buns – A good pair of buns have a lot in common with a good set of boobs. I can’t stand flat asses. I like a nice booty, and to me that has range. Paris Hilton and Kate Hudson’s non-asses are not at all attractive to me. Jessica Alba is as small as I’ll go – which I know may seem smaller from certain angles, but you’re not seeing the correct angle. Hayden Panettiere? Not a good ass. Scarlett Johansson? Pretty neat ass. Kim Kardashian’s massive deal is about as big as I’ll go. Neicy Nash is too much ass for me. If you are man enough to handle that ass, good on you. We’ll high-five and fist-pump later. What the asses that I like all have in common is roundness, assumable firmness, perkiness, and “the bump”. Not that those qualities are the same for each, but that each has found a delicious ass-balance. It comes out at least just enough to say, “Hey, I’m some booty. How about a grab?” but not so much that it’s all, “Whoa! We’re gunna need backup!”. Ass cleavage can also lie, but if you can check that against rear-camel, you’ve got yourself a deal. Also, the hips are for realz. I completely believe in the .70 waist/hip ratio (especially if you’re talking circumference and not front width).
Legs – While I like long, slender, athletic legs, I wouldn’t call that a must have. The must have is that they aren’t stubby, oddly proportioned, or oddly proportional to the rest of the body. Charlize Theron and Beyonce both have awesome legs, and those legs are very different. Toned. Magic.
Back & Shoulders – Fuck if I could ever explain this, but some chicks just have something sexy happening in their back and shoulder regions. Don’t believe me? Then I guess you’ve never heard of an open-backed dress. Maybe it congers up thoughts of grabbin’ on to those innocuous areas while shit gets real. Maybe it’s just a sight-line thing that brings me from lips to hips.
Midsection – While I have found the occasional six-pack on a chick to be hot, I usually don’t. I guess I fall into the average range of men with this one, where we like it trim and firm, but with some healthy “woman fat”. That’s probably the least PC way that I read it, and I’m sticking by it. Firm and toned is sexy, but rigid and bumpy is… not.
Other (nails, hands, feet, etc.) – I kind of already answered this one. Just don’t have gross hands, nails, and feet. Worn nail polish is sometimes hot. Long nails often look painful in bed for various reasons.
So that’s Part 2. Part 3 will be more of this crap, but with other parts. Stay tuned for ass-lovin’.