Stuff I Hate in Porn

So I’m still working on this big assed post, which has actually grown into a gigantic, trumped up, multi-post deal.  And it isn’t finished.  My bads, yo’.  Clearly, I need to post something at least half fun to keep you coming back until I actually finish that jizz jazz.  I’ve noticed you like lists.  I’ve heard you enjoy my filth.  Let’s have ourselves a list of shit that I hate in porn.

Aaron’s Ma’Fuckin’ Bigass and Growin’ Unordered List of Shit That I Hate in Porn!… Bitches!:

  • Fake “squirting”
  • Real “squirting” that lasts more than a second or produces more than a few cubic centimeters of fluid
  • Thick lady jizz (fine in person, super-gross in porn)
  • Bad dirty talk
  • Excessive dirty talk, regardless of quality
  • Fake semen
  • Lots of real semen
  • Lack of any semen
  • Hand jobs.  Noone alive has had a good one in real life, how is anyone making a fantasy of it.
  • Obviously painful anal.
  • Lack of anal – especially when a girl would obviously do anal (perhaps in the coat room of a party or the alley outside of the nightclub she just left)
  • Urine
  • Urine being passed off as “squirting”
  • Vomit
  • Gagging.  In case you didn’t know, it’s basically vomit
  • Poop
  • Poop, especially in the mouth
  • Lack of asslicking on a perfect ass for asslicking
  • Asslicking of an ass that does not look clean or otherwise fit for such an act
  • How to explain that licking ass is not the same as poop in the mouth, because I like to lick ass but never, ever want poop in my mouth (not really a porn thing, more of a real life problem I have)
  • Asslicking on the guy.
  • Assfingering on the guy.
  • Ass sniffing.  Just… why?
  • Some of the music that gets played with the sex happening.  There is no good porn, to include amateur goth porn, for the “music” of scream-o.
  • Monster dicks.  No, I get it.  Big dicks, even huge dicks are perfectly fine.  I don’t get monster dicks.  If it’s bigger than Peter North/Ron Jeremy, it’s confusing and horrible.  It’s like Hentai without the fun.  Also – most of them are fake.  Obviously fake.  What the fuck is that for?
  • Giant dildos.  It does not make me hot to see a chick shove the Louisville Slugger into her twat, or worse, ass.  How is that supposed to work for me?  “Ah, shit ya!  Look at how fucking loose she is, baby!  I could never feel her pussy, and she’d never know I was in it!”
  • Fisting.  I get it in real life, but I never want it done to me, and I never want to be with a girl who is into that.
  • Anal Fisting.
  • Fingering the pee-hole (dude or chick.  Especially dude, ’cause I’m one of them.)
  • Spitting
  • Spitting in the mouth.
  • Cum swapping
  • “Snowballing” – the act of swapping the cum back to the producer of said cum.
  • Lingering on the “creampie” – creampie simply being finishing inside the vagina.  That’s fine, but once it’s done, I wanna see face or boob.  No more staying there.
  • Lingering on the anal “creampie”
  • Gaping
  • Gaping “Creampie”
  • Gaping Anal “Creampie”
  • “Winking”
  • “Winking Creampie”
  • “Winking Anal Creampie”
  • A Lingering Shot of “Winking Gaping Anal Creampie”
  • That one angle (you know the one) that they think focuses on the penetration action, because all it really focuses on is the dude’s hairy asshole
  • Punching
  • Non-playful choking
  • Slapping
  • Switching scenes before the first one has finished
  • Jersey accents (Some Jersey chicks get a pass on this one)
  • Stupid, douche-y, asshat fratboys getting good tail and bragging while doing so.
  • This movement away from “girls next door” and into “total whores”
  • “Blumpkin”
  • Gang bangs.
  • Not having many “Reverse” Gang Bangs.  There should be tons of these.
  • Food.  It’s very rarely done right, so I mostly avoid it.
  • Labeling a three-some as an Orgy
  • Beach sex.  Fine for romance, painful in practice, ridiculous in pornography.
  • Taking off the costumes during the performance.  If you ditch the costume, you ditch the fantasy.  Why have them in the first place.
  • Furries
  • Plushies (actually… this is pretty funny, so I guess it gets a pass)
  • Cosplay that doesn’t follow-through
  • Cosplay that blurs out the good stuff
  • Japanese porn, ’cause they almost always blur out the good stuff
  • Visible Tampon String
  • Really bad cosplay, at least when it seems like they were serious about it.
  • Trying to pass off late-20’s-early-30’s as “Jailbait” or “Barely Legal”
  • Labeling a completely legal and legit porn as “Jailbait”.  I’m not saying I’m looking for actual jailbait, but that word means something.  It’s not arbitrary, and the thing it means is not “Wow, she looks young”.  Call it “Almost Jailbait”.  I’m totally gunna click that.
  • Blood
  • Virgin-type blood
  • Condoms for blowjobs.  Trust me, its not fun in real life.
  • Not being able to see the action
  • Lingering on the guy’s face
  • Lingering on the guy’s body
  • Lingering on the guy
  • That super-long shot on the guy making his “Ooo”, “Eee”, and “Err” faces when it’s all close to the end.  That’s not what I want to see when I am at my end.
  • Dude’s backs.
  • Underwater blowjob.  Too confusing.
  • The “Sticky” vagina thing they seem to like in Japan
  • Obviously fake orgasms
  • Obviously not-enjoying it participants
  • Sex positions that include dick-bending.
  • “Rape” or “Snuff”, real or fake.
  • “Tentacle Porn”, unless it’s just for laughs.
  • Finger-sucking
  • “Try-to-hit-everything” porno.  So basically, the porno tries to meet the fantasies and fetishes of all major porn-viewers.  There are two major problems with this – (1) porn makers have no idea what any of us actually like and (2) one man’s turn-on is another man’s turn-off.  Both lead to a ruined porn, or at least a porn that has to be watched in very specific, couple-minute increments.
  • Evan Stone
  • Any group sex where the ratio of girls to guys is heavy on the guys
  • Bad lighting
  • Scratchy, hallow, or otherwise bad audio
  • Razor burn
  • Suspect liquids
  • Lesbians using a double-ended-dildo who obviously don’t know what they’re doing
  • Actually… lesbians using any dildo when they don’t know what they’re doing
  • Dildoing dudes
  • Three-somes where one of the chicks is doing nothing and getting nothing done to her
  • More to come… cum.