Alright, let’s talk some filth

I hope that regular readers have been enjoying my 2010 wrap-up and lists and shit, but I know that some people came here for something else.  Some folks want to read about my sexual exploits, failures, and thoughts from my dirty, nasty, dripping mind.

I’ve been thinking a lot about online dating.  Well… online “dating”.  You know – trolling for booty.  It’s a lot better on the internet then the traditional way.  I’ve heard the same about actual dating, but I can’t really speak to that.  I absolutely know that getting some booty through the miracle of the internet is way the fuck better than picking someone up in public.  Fuck bars.  Fuck clubs.  Fuck coffee shops.  If I were in school or worked for a company where shit really didn’t matter, that would be cool.  I guess.  But the internet.  Man.  It’s fuckin’ great.

Alright, let’s say that you’re looking to pick up some breezy online.  Find a website/method.  There are several, and I’ll likely discuss them at a later date.  Fill out your profile, and be honest (or at least 90% honest).  This is stupid important.  You’ll get more hits if it’s filled out and you’ll get less b.s. and mismatches if you fill it out honestly.  The less honest you are, the greater the chance of losing them before “go” or awkwardly disappointing them when the encounter happens.  Then, figure out what really matters to you.  Here’s a short list.

5.  Proximity/Availability

4.  Attitude

3.  Attractiveness

2.  Hygiene

1.  Similar bedtime goals

There are more things that I look for, and that’s not really in order, but that’s just an example.  I also know that some of that is a little vague.  Assuming the chick bothered to fill out herprofile, add a picture, and not lie (90%), I already know half of those five things.  I try to figure out the rest through email.  Some ladies like to take the conversation off of the website, to which I would suggest using an instant message account created ONLY for this use.  In case you didn’t know – everyone is on the internet and many of them are nuckin’ futs.  Before I go to personal email, texting, or phone, I gotta have a few back-and-forths.  I want to be at least reasonably sure that they aren’t going to show up at random or key my shitty car if things didn’t work out.  Then I just try to talk it out until I’m comfortable.  Sometimes it just one exchange.  We clearly click and understand what we’re going to do, we meet up, we knock some boots, it’s over.  That’s my second favorite (as I don’t like to work for it), but usually those chicks aren’t looking for a regular thing.  The hardest thing to pull off – and my favorite – is a regular thing.

Hygiene is pretty much the only item that you can’t really know, which sucks because it is pretty huge.  You might think that you have a better chance of finding that out at a bar than on the internet, but my findings have been different.  At the bar, you can’t really smell anything but booze, the bar itself, and the collective stink of a bunch of sweaty people in one room.  No matter how scantily clad, you aren’t going to get a look at danger zones.  If the lady gets liquored up enough to flash the box – even if it looks all types of great – you’ve still got a judgement call to make.  You can’t really get all up on it to be sure that it’s safe.  By the way, if you can, that call gets more complicated.  More on that later.  Most hookups that I’ve had from the web have been cleaner, simpler, and just plain better than the sloppy, boozy, slurry, sticky skanks that you take home from the bar at last call.

For one, a lot of ladies post fully nude pictures online.  This is perhaps ill-advised, but that’s for another post.  Pictures will show whether she is shaved and to what degree.  Clothed pictures are best to guess if they at least try to take care of themselves.  The pictures often include some section of their home, and if they bothered to clean it up for the picture.  You can start to make assumptions.  It’s not really fair, but you can’t just get with everyone.  You have to be some kind of discerning.  Emails can fill in a lot of what pictures can’t.  Smart chicks that actually do care about hygiene will take the time to mention it, and mention that dudes need to take care of themselves.  You can’t know how she smells until you’re around her, but you still haven’t made made any real commitments until pants come off.

You can also ask completely inappropriate things through the security of the internet:

“Hey, do you shave?”

“What do you like in bed?”

“Is there anything you absolutely won’t do?”

“What’s your greatest fantasy?”

“Oral, anyone?”

“Will you take it in the butt?”

“Wait, you like to get slapped, you want me to shoot in your face, and you want me to call you ‘Stupid Bitch’?  This seems like a bit much, but alright.  When are you free?”

If you meet someone in a bar, you’re not going to ask them if they are down with oral or anal.  The subject probably isn’t going to come up until you’re already in bed, and that could make the rest of the encounter awkward and crummy.  “Hey, ah… I’m not into that…” is not a good thing to hear or have to say, especially after that thing has been initiated.  There are more innocent things that you might not have even realized could be a problem.  Some chicks don’t like to make out.  Some chicks will only do a certain position.  Online, you can figure out an entire night.  Drinks?  A quick meal?  Order in?  Or just come over and let’s bump uglies?  Yeah.  It’s way more awesome.

I’ve got a lot more to say about this, but this is running a whole lot longer than it should and is a bit scattered… more thoughts on this all later.

What do you think about online dating?  Booty calls?  Such and such?