As I Write This Letter…

Another Music Game:  Aria Eraser

Your favorite bands have created some of the greatest music of all time, or at least they have in your mind.  However, even the most agreeable bands have created some of the worst music conceivable.  They may have given us “Ruby Tuesday” but even the ‘Stones crapped out bad songs like “2000 Man”.  In this game, you have the power to banish five songs of any artist into the void.  Gone they are forever, as if they were never created in the first place.  But there are rules for this kind of thing

Rules:

If you banish a song, it is gone forever.  It cannot be created by some other band, even if they were more suited for it.  It’s gone, and that’s it.  You can only banish five songs per game and you MUST banish all five songs.  All five songs must come from the same band/artist/musical group.

But wait, what about…?:

Some artists have been in several groups and had some solo works.  You (or the challenger) are the authority to name whether your subject is the band, the artist, all related works, or whatever.  Take John Lennon.  You could choose either The Beatles, The Quarrymen, the Plastic Ono Band (but why would you?), The Dirty Mac, some stupid other bullshit he was in, John Lennon (as in the artist himself only), stuff he actually wrote, stuff he actually performed, or all of John Lennon’s works (every band, written work, and solo stuffs).  If you are issuing the challenge, give specifics.  Nothing sucks more than coming to the end of a challenge and having someone ask, “Wait, did you mean her solo act, or only her songs with the Smashing Pumpkins?”  Go fuck yourself.

Is your song a cover of some other artists’?  Has your song been covered a shitload?  Well, don’t fret (ha ha!  Music joke!  Get it?).  This ain’t “Time Cop” or “LOST” rules.  Follow the timeline, and if it’s gone, it’s gone.  This COULD net you a bit of strategy.  Let’s say that you really hate the song “Eleanor Rigby” (what’s wrong with you?).  If you banish this song from The Beatles (the original band), it disappears from that album AND all 131 covering artists.  Gone forever.  If, however, you are a bit more like me and are a fan of the original “Imagine” by John Lennon but can’t fucking stand the shitastic covers (I’m lookin’ at you, Lady GaGa), you may have to go after each cover one-by-one to preserve the original recording.  If you kill John Lennon’s “Imagine”, you certainly get rid of that A Perfect Circle atrocity, but the original would have never existed either.  Personally, I don’t think it’s worth it.

While killing the original kills all that follows, killing covers only kills that cover and anything directly influenced by it.  “Inspired by” type songs are a judgement call.  You also need to be ready to justify yourself and accept kills that you didn’t account for.  I, for one, can’t stand “Yellow Submarine” or “Octopus’s Garden”.  These songs are actually kinda good and have inspired several songs and musical genres.  I dislike them mostly because they’ve been overplayed.  If I kill either, it starts a cascade of songs and musical groups disappearing.  It should be noted that this is not like that Nickelback hit that we all liked until we realized how shitty it was.  Kill that song doesn’t kill all of their other “hits” that sound exactly like the first one.

Either way, even if the song sucks, someone is going to want to fight you for it.  Be ready to throw down or seem like a dickface while you start some shit with friends and family.  Here’s my first entry with justifications, ’cause you ain’t here to question me.  By the by, I think I fixed my comments problem.

Aria Eraser:  The Beatles

5.  “Roll Over Beethoven ” – This is a cover that didn’t need covering. Chuck Berry did it just fine.  I understand that it was the rock revolution, but this song couldn’t be simpler.  This isn’t a crime on its own – “Please, Please Me” is very simple.  However, what “Please, Please Me” had was feeling.  Emotion.  Meaning.  Euphemisms for sex.  “Roll Over Beethoven” is just an attempt to be Rock for Rock’s sake.  Shit, that might be the first example of such a thing… I gotta look into this… Anyway, that shtick might work for Pop, but not Rock.  I’d put “Rock and Roll Music” up here for the same reason, but I’ve got shittier fish to… fry… gross.

4.  “Chains” – This song is a suckfest from the very first chord.  I get that it’s another cover, but I’ve never heard the original so eat me.  It’s a strange and un-endearing combination of musical styles lead by over-used tropes from the 50’s where this song came out in the 60’s.  Retro is not the same as being very late.  Also, Bb is a weird key for those old British amps.  I went so far as buying a replica speaker and some dusty old tubes to reproduce it to no avail.  It’s hallow but full at the same time, if that makes any sense.  It’s why “Anna (go to him)” doesn’t sound like the love ballad they meant it to be.  It sounds like a serial rapist is stocking his ex.  Seriously, give it a listen.

3.  “Doctor Robert” – Instrumentally, this song is pretty tight.  The main riff is pretty good, but a bit too repetitive to accept for as long as it hangs.  You could say that “Girl” does the same thing, but the vocals and well placed chorus breaks “Girl” up very nicely.  “Doctor Robert”?  Nope.  It drags and blows until it gets into a completely out of place chorus of strangeness.  It’s kinda churchy.  And it doesn’t fit.

2.  “Wild Honey Pie” – Sharing most of its title with “Honey Pie”, one might think this could be an alright song.  “Honey Pie” was a delightful, though somewhat awkward homage to great love songs from the Great War and World War II eras.  It particularly echoed US, British, and German Swing (with less jazz hands) – younger folk may want to envision the video game, “Bio Shock”.  Give it a listen – it’s actually pretty rad.

WILD Honey Pie, however, is no such fun.  It’s part of the reason that I don’t accept “The Bealtes” (a.k.a. The White Album) as their best.  Back to back hits ruined by weird shit like “Glass Onion” and terrible badness like “Birthday”.  It is fucking shit multiplied by a pile of hatefuck.  It’s like scatporn on top of vomit.  The song is intended to be a fusion of experimental mus… you know?  I don’t know what they meant it to be.  What came out was a minute of worthlessness, unintended horror, and a feeling like you’ve just lost every penny you’ve ever earned.  Also, am I the only person who gets some racist vibe?  A little shuck n’ jive?  Eat dat a watamelon?  Listen – I love The Beatles.  If either surviving members showed up to my house and wanted to jam, I’d do my damnedest to back them up and I’d even run out to get whatever refreshments or instruments they wanted.  But if anyone suggested this song, I’d ask them to leave my home.  Paul and Ringo – you’ve been warned.

1.  “One After 909” – This song doesn’t need me to explain it – it’s bad enough on its own.  It’s worse that that shitty “Revolution 9” thing.  At least that had drugs as an excuse.  This is patently offensive for how bad it is, and on the “Let It Be” Album, for fucks sake!

Thanks for checking this out.  P.S. – I Love You and would like to give some bonus points!  Someone abused their kids and neighbors’ kids for greatness in this video for a favorite Beatles song of mine.

tl;dr – Good bands make bad music, and I’d like to get rid of “Roll Over Beethoven”, “Chains”, “Doctor Robert”, “Wild Honey Pie”, and “One After 909”.